hi

I miss you.

Much more than I think you could imagine.

At most times, I do my best to put it all on mute.

But sometimes- I can't.

At this moment, I think of you.

I think of the sound of your laugh first.

And then I think of your smile.

I think of the way you would look at me before you would kiss me.

And then I think of the way you would say, "Love you."

I think of the way we would lay together.

And then I think of the way you would rub my back.

I think of you.

I think of me.

And I think of us.

And I feel sad.

I try to think of other things.

And at most times, these days anyway, I succeed.

Most times.

But in those not-so-most times, I struggle.

I ask myself when I won't.

And at the same time I wonder.

I ask myself why you did nothing.

I ask myself why you watched me go.

I ask myself why you didn't say anything after I left.

I ask myself why you did what you did.

I ask myself why?

And then I ask myself why am I asking why?

And then I wonder.

Do you ask why?

Do you ask why I did everything?

Do you ask why I left?

Do you ask yourself what you could have said?

Do you ask yourself what you could have done?

Do you ask yourself why?

..

I love you still.

And I don't know how else.

Moments like these, I want the hurt to leave.

But it stays as an unwelcomed guest.

Haunting and hurting and reminiscent with nostalgia.

I write these words.

And I make my attempt to exhale.

Because, in truth, I am in pain.

And you might like to hear that- I don't know.

But I am.

So, tell me.

How do I let go?

How do I let go of missing you?

How do I let go of loving you?

How?

Because that's all I know of you now.

So instead, I'll tell you.

I miss you.

I love you.

Why?

I ask myself.

This isn't the first time I've found myself in this place.

Is it something I do?

Is it something I attract?

What is it?

I don't enjoy it.

And now. Here. With you.

I feel it.

I don't want it. I want to throw it away and run.

I don't want this.

..

Why did you do all that you did?

Why did you say all you said?

I could only be myself. I have only tried to be myself.

Was that it?

I wish you would tell me.

I won't judge you. I won't hate you.

I may feel sad inside, but I'll be okay.

I'll tell you I'm okay. You don't have to know I'm sad.

I won't blame you or shame you for your feelings.

That's my problem to work out.

It's hard.

But I have to do my best.

This is life.

And sometimes.

Life sucks.