Mirror on The Wall

01.16.18 

The Last time I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a lost boy who had just been broken up with. 

She, broke up with me. Why? It is a long story….

I had liked Lucy for over two years. I always dreamed of dating her. I was obsessed with her beautiful curly hair among all her other beautiful features.. All my friends knew how much I liked her. She was, and still is, one of a kind. About a year ago, I asked her out, but she didn’t want to lose me as her friend, which is understandable! I didn’t want to lose her either. It was tough to accept that she didn’t like me like that, and I thought things would get awkward. Thankfully though, it never did. She was there for me like she had always been, but I wanted more than a friendship. After a few months, I got myself into a relationship. She was the girl I used to talk about Lucy, and well one night, we got really close and BAM! We started dating. I liked her. She was in the same school as me and we got along, you know? There was one problem though. She wanted me to cut Lucy out of my life completely. As you can imagine, I really didn’t want to, but she was my girlfriend so I decided to respect her doubt. And I know, this wasn’t fair to Lucy either. I knew she was scared of losing our friendship and I was about to ruin it. I did. Well actually I didn’t, Kayt did. One day, she went on my page and blocked her. Lucy figured this out and asked me if there was a problem and while I screamed on the inside wanting to tell her the truth, I instead told her: “You will understand someday”.

+    The only reason I said no when you asked me out was not to ruin what we had and now you are ruining it by your own doings?

Our struggle wasn’t over yet. Kayt still couldn’t trust me, but I tried my best to work things out. We had been dating for 8 months, but things weren’t going really well. We had good times, but we would still fight over whether or not I liked Lucy. The fact that she couldn’t trust me pissed me off. Then she got really pissed and she broke up with me… She didn’t want to do anything with me anymore and that broke my heart. I hadn’t realized how attached I was to her, and how much I needed her in my life until that moment.

01.16.18

01.23.19 

The last time I saw myself in the mirror, I saw a pair of happy eyes.

 A few months after my breakup with Kayt, I started texting Lucy again. The first thing she asked was if I was still with Kayt or not, because she didn’t want to ruin my relationship with Kayt, and it wouldn’t be fair to her if we would start talking again.

-    We broke up and you were never in the between, you were the beginning and the end

+    What do you mean?

-    She knew how much I liked you

Even though I was heartbroken over Kayt, talking to Lucy felt like home. I was so happy that I got her back as a friend, just friends. I still couldn’t think about relationships though, and she didn’t cross any lines either. It was after 9 months that I felt like I couldn’t hide my feelings for Lucy anymore. I liked her even more than before. I had told her things I never tell anyone else. She’s an angel. So I asked her out again and guess what? This time she said yes! She said she realized she had feelings for me once we lost connection and this time, she didn’t want to let me go.

04.25.19

The last time I saw myself in the mirror, it wasn’t me anymore. 

She didn’t break us up, I did. Why?... I love my dad, I can’t stress this enough, but he won’t let me live my own life. Things always have to be the way that he wants it. That is one of the reasons I never talked about Lucy with him. But things were getting uglier between us. He was doubting me more and more every day. The pressure he puts on me frustrates me beyond belief. Inevitably, this affected my relationship with Lucy too. Lucy didn’t say anything at first, but after a while, she started asking me what was wrong. I didn’t want her to know how my relationship with my family is messed up. But I couldn’t do this to her, I felt like she deserved so much more.

-    I know I have been cold lately. Sorry that I can’t explain it either. I hope you understand and give me a little bit of space.

+    I understand. Please don’t ever hesitate to talk to me if you needed someone to talk to. At the end of the day, we are still friends. Remember?

I could tell she was uncomfortable and I just didn’t want to keep hurting her more than I already had.

Two days after, I broke with her over text. You might think that I am an ass and I cannot agree more, but I knew if I looked in her eyes, my heart wouldn’t let me end it.

-    I know this is going to be tough. You’ve probably heard this before, but you deserve so much Lucy. You deserve someone to spend more time for you. I don’t have the time to be in a relationship anymore. I’m sorry (broken-heart emoji)

+    Can I ask you something?

-    Uhum

+    Did you even love me?

-    Yes, and if you don’t  believe me, you can ask anyone, but I can’t do this anymore

-    …

I thought WOW, was it that easy for her? But she texted later that night…

+    I know things aren’t good with you right now. I know how sometimes all you want is to be by yourself, but don’t give up on me, okay? I won’t let you drown. You got this. I’m pretty sure good days will come for you soon.

-    You don’t get it. I’m not in a good place at all.

+    I know. I just want you to know that I believe in you and you can get through whatever this is

-    …

I was numb. I couldn’t wrap my head around what I had just done, but it’s over and done with. I was so empty. I didn’t know what was wrong. I don’t really know what I expected, but… I made my decision. I felt worse and worse every day. I felt so bad that I couldn’t even figure out what was the cause… I didn’t want her to believe in me, because I didn’t believe in me. The fact that she wasn’t there anymore, but still she was on my mind every fucking minute made me so mad. I needed to get myself out of my misery.

I texted Kayt…

She was interested and now that she knew I broke up with Lucy she was more confident about our relationship. Knowing that the person who has dumped me before and wants me back felt really good. but something happened that I never expected.

+    Hi, hope everything is fine. Umm, I’m kind of tired of keeping everything to myself so I just want to say that I still love you, so much. It has been only two months, but it feels like years. The feelings I have for you are worth fighting for. We, are worth fighting for. Please don’t give up on us. I just feel so different about you that pride doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Let’s fix it together.

-    I respect you, but I have changed a lot in these past two months. I’m actually really satisfied and happy with who I have become and where I’m at in life.

+    What does this mean?

-    It means we can’t get back together. You have to move on.

+    What? If you are so happy and satisfied with who you have become why won't you let me get to know you then?

-    Because I know you and I know the new me is not someone you would want.

+    Something is wrong. Tell me what’s wrong, please.

-    You don’t need to know.

+    What do you mean? I need to know. Why won’t you help me understand this situation a little better?

-    This is not your fault at all. I just don’t have any problems anymore and my life is really good. I’m really happy with everything and if you really think that you love me, and you want me to be happy, then please let me go.

+    …

I ripped her heart right out of her chest. I felt it. She will never know that I was crying the whole-time texting her. The more miserable I felt, the more I wanted to strengthen my relationship with Kayt. So I shot my last bullet to Lucy five days ago. I posted a picture with Kayt, asking her to prom with the biggest gesture possible, to make sure that Lucy would never want me back.