seasons change.

tw: mention of punishment and negative thoughts.

two years became months, followed by weeks and days. but as the time kept ticking and the date grew closer, sowon wasn’t quite the same kim sojung that had entered trc for the very first time. she entered the company knowing she was skeptical but hopeful to see what trc had to offer. she hoped that maybe in those two years, she would find a job that she would love — something that would keep her financially stable. but like people have told her in the past, becoming a trainee would be a struggle financially and even more so when becoming an idol where success was determined by the music charts and numbers. it was a risk that many hopefuls would take for the sake of doing something they love or for fame and fortune and sowon took it — she took it because she needed it at a time when she felt so lost about what to do in life.

the weeks leading up to october 20 were difficult weeks for her. not only did she lose some of her closest friends in trc, but she felt that her doubts and insecurities grew even more than she ever experienced. seeing her friends leave made her think about the one question that she thought of when she first joined trc.

was it really worth signing the contract?

her future was even more uncertain in the recent days as the determination and motivation she had disappeared. the days started to feel like a monotonous routine — they would attend classes, give them a monthly evaluation, practice for the evaluation during that time (and any other additional performances they had to work at), show off whatever she learned in those weeks, and then receive feedback on what she needed to work on. unlike some of her peers, sowon really didn’t have much on what she would constitute as memorable during those two years. being a part of trc/g was a project that so many of the trainees would spend most of their lives on, but sowon had wasted it — she wasted it on letting her doubts get the best of her. back then, being a part of the trc/g project wasn’t so much a privilege for her but rather a burden. they were told that not everyone would debut and that only the best would shine, but she thought that she wasn’t the best and even until now, she felt that she wasn’t ready to debut. after all, as trc recruited more trainees who were far younger and more talented than her, the more she began to wonder if she truly deserved to be their sunbae.

when it was merely days leading up to d-day, sowon had to remind herself that she couldn’t bear to keep such thoughts and emotions to herself. she took her free time to talk to her loved ones about her situation. but for every time she had to confess her dilemma, sowon felt the confusion and pain even more. the advice that she received from others was different but out of all of them, the one that affected her the most was when she discussed it with her boyfriend. she knew him for so long and throughout the conversation, she noticed some of his nuances — the way he had phrased his questions or the fact that he wouldn’t give her direct answer no matter how much she tried. it was through these nuances that sowon could tell what he was trying to do. he didn’t want to give her the answer even when both of them knew it was obvious. the problem was that he trusted her judgement so much while she lacked the confidence to trust her own judgement.

now sowon was playing the waiting game. any time during the day, she would be sent to tiger jk’s office, but as to when it would happen, that was something that she couldn’t predict. sowon had entered the building early the morning with no sleep at all. while trc’s schedule did make it rather difficult for the trainees to get adequate hours of sleep, sowon felt quite restless due to the fact that she still couldn’t determine if she would even be offered a contract renewal in the first place. the thought about her messing up during the early stages of trc/g haunts her to this day, even when she thought that she had moved on from that event.

sowon watches the hands of her watch change every so often (probably more than she should have) before someone calls for her name. she looks up to see that it is a staff member and like always, sowon remains quiet as she follows along. there wasn’t much that was shared between her and the employee, but sowon could tell immediately that this was it. she was summoned to discuss and be reminded that today would officially mark the end of her two year contract. everything would be left to tiger jk, including whether he would renew her contract.

seeing tiger jk right in front of her was in some ways surreal. most of the trainees in trc have seen him personally. whether it was through their private auditions, contract renewals, or the mgas, they have seen him acknowledge their presence. but aside from the first triple threat challenge that she participated in, sowon never really saw the man in person in a setting like this where she is not being critiqued for her talent. her mind immediately thinks back to her nova audition and how instead of accepting that she was rejected by nova, she was told by a samsung representative that tiger jk had seen her performance during the hongdae talent show and wanted her to be in his company. it was the closest she could actually get to talking to him.

his demeanor didn’t change much since the first time she saw him during the triple threat challenge, but it was always a paradox that fascinated her about trc. many of their coaches and staff members were known to be strict towards their trainees (and sowon had her fair share of harsh punishments that she has seen or dealt with) but here she was in front of her boss who seemed so laidback and casual. the next person that sowon notices is the lawyer and as she looks at him, a part of her was tempted to joke about how she had seen the lawyer more than she had seen her boss.

taking a seat, sowon absorbs every action and word that transpires within the room. tiger jk had addressed the situation in a way that seemed foreign to her, mostly because during the time she had been in trc, people would perceive him as an intimidating individual — someone who the trainees rarely saw but when they did, he had such a strong presence that would attract everyone’s attention. but his lackadaisical mannerisms makes her even feel more conflicted. it was a habit of hers to mirror the other person based on their behavior, but in her mind, she was deciding between wanting to be serious and professional or easygoing and respectful.

“you’ve grown a lot in your time here so far; i think anybody can notice that.”

the words reverberate throughout the room and in her mind for sowon knew that she did grow over the course of two years, just like many others. however, while trainees were quickly growing and getting offers that they wished for, sowon felt that her growth was different. even after 730 days and a little bit over 20 monthly evaluations later, sowon could tell that her growth wasn’t so much on her talents (for she felt that no matter how many hours she would invest to training or worked harder than the rest of her peers she could never match them) but rather on herself as a person. some people would tell her that she did change — that she improved so much or that she really had so much potential on stage, but sowon couldn’t see it for months. her mind only had one goal in mind and that was to find something that would make her shine — something that none of the trainees could take away from her no matter what.

when the samsung new year show was announced and happened, sowon realized how the reason she couldn’t see it was because of her confidence. the number of times she would tell herself that she needed to work harder or that she wasn’t good enough caused her to think back about the sole reason that stemmed such thoughts and perceptions.

the fear of failure.

and being in a company that would only scout the best meant also being surrounded by people who were clearly in a higher caliber from her. add that even two years later, sowon was still reminded of the comment she heard from the nova representative back then as they told her that she had a ‘sweet voice’, but wasn’t suited for what nova wanted at that time. it would have been a complete lie if she didn’t even observe nova every so often and imagined how her life would have been if she was chosen by nova instead of the company she was in right now.

but in between all of the ‘what-if’s that lingers in her mind constantly, she shifts back to the present immediately when she catches his last statement to her before giving her the small stack of papers.

“everyone at trc thinks we have a good thing going. if you stick with us, i think we can make it a great thing.”

when tiger jk stops speaking, sowon’s mind is flooded even more with questions and doubts. she thinks about the trainees who have come and gone and their stories of this particular day, the day that they were offered a contract renewal. time and time again, she would hear about how nervous or anxious they felt leading to the day but once they heard the good news, they would sign the contract with so much hope and trust. but as sowon’s eyes slowly turn towards the paperwork, a thought comes to her mind.

why was she even more anxious and disappointed than before she stepped into the room?

perhaps she had expected it to be different — to line up with the imaginary scenario she replayed over and over again for the past few months. with her right hand, she takes the pen that is offered to her and she stares at it longingly as she remembers vividly the moment she was offered the same stack of papers and the emotions she had felt that day — curiosity, uneasiness, and surprise.

now, things were different. the pros and cons of her situation changed, she grew two years older, and met several people and saw them grow — some even debuted and became idols. she thinks of the days when she would try to introduce the new trainees with her infamous origami flowers as a welcoming gift and her unique way for people to remember her. not many people have asked her as to why she would take the time to create such a gift, but to sowon, it was more than just a gift — it was her way of showing how she genuinely cared about them and just like flowers, she wanted to see them grow and accomplish their own goals, whatever it was. it was why she took such pride with being trc’s visionary leader — she wanted to advocate and become someone that would help guide people to following their dreams. whether it was being their confidant or someone who would help them become a better performer, she wanted to pave the way and teach others that with hard work, resilience, and motivation, one can accomplish such goals.

however, this time around it wasn’t about other people that she had to guide or give advice to. it was her and for once, she had to decide what would make her happy and encourage her to become a better person. the pen touches the paper as she thinks about re-signing before she stops. a small yet incomplete line was drawn above the first signature line and as sowon lifts the pen, she looks at tiger jk.

“since we’re here, can i be honest about something?” sowon asks permission as if she’s asking for his approval but she doesn’t even wait for a confirmation before she continues to speak. “is it really true that anybody can see that i’ve grown within the past two years?” sowon throws the first question at him among the countless others that she wants to say at that exact moment. “because why is it that i can’t even see this growth that you are talking about? if growth is defined by my talent, why does it feel like no matter how much i try, i still won’t be good enough?” rather than sounding accusatory, sowon’s voice instead sounded soft and confused, almost as if she had been lost all this time.

“you are giving me this hopeful promise that if i sign my name—” sowon stops abruptly as she shakes her head to correct herself. “no, if i dedicated two more years of my life to this company, that we can do something great. but i already dedicated two years of my life trusting you and the company with that and what did i get in return? a chance to be in a debut project and to be a part of some dance performance that most people can’t even remember me for.” she lets out a scoff at her latter sentence as she places the pen away from the papers. her words so far could cause her even more trouble, but after all of the punishments that she had dealt with, she was certain that nothing was far worse than her sabotaging her self-esteem and confidence with her inner thoughts.

“i know,” sowon’s voice is more assertive this time around as she is clarifies, “you offered me a lifetime opportunity that so many people would love to have. the coach already told me back then that all she saw me back then was disappointment and i wouldn’t be surprised if you did either. but it’s been a year since that incident. i spent time on myself and working on improving to become a performer that you could be proud of, but what did i get? nothing. i knew i didn’t get anything and i didn’t complain because i had so much trust in you and this company. just like some of my peers, i quietly worked hard in hopes that one day, i would get some sign that you really want me in this company because i still don’t know why you were so interested in signing me back then during the hongdae talent show.” for every time she would hear how the trainees were scouted, a part of her thought that maybe, just maybe, she was a special case. however as time went by, she began to wonder if it was just her being optimistic and thinking she was special.

“did you sign me only to be one of those people who could be a part of trc/g?” she questions without giving much thought, even if the one she asked was something she had thought of recently. since the hongdae talent show until trc/g, sowon hadn’t experienced what trainees from other companies had. instead, sowon had to keep training quietly and while she had accepted it back then, now she couldn’t let her efforts be hidden once again.

“i was told by one of the coaches that i was a good singer and dancer, but was i really that good especially among trainees who had more experience and motivation to pursue that dream? did it have to take being kicked out of a debut project to even hear such a positive comment? do we have to suffer to even hear these kinds of comments? this is how trc runs, right? tough love to all of the trainees and when they suffered enough, they will hear a compliment from their coaches in hopes of bringing up their spirits?” an awkward yet forced chuckle comes out of her lips as she leaned back. “if my purpose in this company is only to fill up one of those coveted spots for a future debut project of yours, then why should i re-sign and watch two more years of my life fly by when you and your team already formed the best girl group?”

a part of her wants to hear from tiger jk his response, but with another glance at the contract, sowon was instantly reminded right then and there that everything was strictly business — she was just one of those trainees that trc could easily replace with someone who was far more talented, younger, and more determined than her. whatever she did in trc during those two years would be nonexistent to the trainees remaining in the company and the truth had hurt her more than she hoped for.

“yet amidst all of this,” sowon resumes speaking after a brief moment of silence. placing her hands on top of the papers, she gives him a smile. “i should also thank you for teaching me to be a stronger person…one who can now stand in front of you and say these words with confidence.” standing up from her seat, she continues on to speak, “i know i probably won’t get the answers to my questions from you because time is of the essence and you have so many other things to attend to, but if you truly care about me, a fellow ex-trainee, i might as well be honest and transparent and tell you the reasons behind my decision.” turning the folder to face towards tiger jk and the lawyer, she releases her hand away from it.

“you and i both know what this means and usually i would wish you and the company good luck, but i don’t think you need it when you’re so successful at what you do.” sowon stated out loud before taking a few steps back. for some people, being signed to a company and becoming an idol was an end goal — it was the ultimate dream that people wanted to accomplish. but for sowon, she thought about how her journey wasn’t exactly an end goal but rather a stopover. her ultimate goal was far more bigger and different than the one she felt trc would offer to her.

bowing her head for the last time, sowon ends her speech with a smile on her face, “instead, i will say thanks for giving me this opportunity and helping me arrive to this decision.” she exits out of the room slowly and when the doors close behind her, sowon exhales a breath. her title as one of trc’s public trainees was stripped away from her but in some ways, it felt quite liberating for her. it was as if she could continue living her life by pursuing the one dream that she wanted so badly and that was to create her own company and music.

OOC NOTE: First of all, congratulations to two years as a trainee! I know it’s been a long and crazy journey, and I’m so glad you’ve stuck through it. When you are ready, feel free to post this prompt with Sojung’s response to it.

Should Sojung choose to RENEW her contract with TRC, she will sign on to the same agreement as before for another two years. As a reward for making it this far, she will receive ONE WEEK unpaid vacation time to use any time between now the end of January, so long as it doesn’t clash with any special trainee activities.

Should she choose to REJECT her contract with TRC, she will leave the company, effective immediately upon rejection. She will be able to keep all of her debut points, but will not be able to take any trainee workshops or earn any more debut points/workshop points until she becomes a trainee again. She will not have any special advantage over newer characters when she auditions for other companies in the future, and should she become a trainee at a new company she will be considered a junior trainee all over again, even though she will still have her debut points and would be eligible for debut right away. She WILL have the right to audition for TRC again, but the fact that she gave up a contract renewal WILL be taken into account in final casting decisions.

taking the microphone, she begins to re-listen to one out of the countless osts she had listened to in the past. while she could have spent this month singing a song associated with love or falling in love, she went with the opposite direction — one about how hard it is to forget someone. her voice is soft as she shows all of the emotions she had kept within herself through the song.

it’s hard for me to forget you how can memory be easily forgotten it’s hard for me to hate you how do i hate you when you turn around, there’s someone who always thinks of you in the same way

as she switched between korean and english, sowon could feel the sadness amplified even more as she sung some of the lines in english. a part of her wished that she could be like some of the other people and forget that she had lost some friends along the way, but how could she when they were the same people she would see every day? they were the two that had seen her during her lowest moments and now without any of them to accompany her, she felt as if she was going on this journey to become an idol by herself.

don’t go don’t leave me now i’m not ready to let you go too hard for me too hard for me too hard for me it’s hard for me to forget you

as she began singing the higher notes, sowon could vividly remember the struggle that she had last month. with more and more trainees joining trc, it reminded her of the reality that she wanted to ignore at times — as more young and talented trainees joined, it added more pressure on people like her who needed to work just as hard to be as good as them. she thinks back about the conversations that she has had with some of the trainees and sadness fills the room as she sings about how she doesn’t want to let go — she didn’t want to forget them.

how can memory be easily forgotten it’s hard for me to hate you how can i hate you

this could possibly be her last evaluation before her contract ends. almost two years had passed since she signed and she had joined trc with curiosity over why she was signed. whether she would receive a renewal offer afterwards was a mystery and one that scared sowon in some ways. to her, it was ultimately their way of showing whether they had seen sowon’s efforts pay off.

the theme for this month’s evaluation is one that would have caught her interest months ago due to the number of osts she had listened to in the past. there were some that she considers her favorites, but most of the songs she thought of singing had a message that she felt was hard to convey in front of the coaches. so she took the extra challenge by singing a song with a somewhat different message. but for each time she concentrated on the lyrics, a part of her felt sad as she thought about how trc had been nowadays. while there were people who were going about their daily life, sowon could feel the difference — she could feel the lack of presence with some of her peers as they disappeared and left trc. seeing somi and yuta both leave the company hurts her the most because she knew that no matter what she could tell them or do, they left for their own reasons — reasons that sowon might not ever get a chance to hear.

luckily, she is one of the few people left in the just dance booth, which causes her to feel a sense of pride and happiness knowing that she could at least try out one of the games. with the controller in her hands, she goes through the list of characters in injustice 2 before she concludes that she wanted to try out wonder woman. seeing who she was up against with, sowon had rather low expectations on herself. there was a high chance that the player next to her was really good at fighting games and sowon didn’t want to take the match too seriously. when the match began, sowon did what she would normally do in any fighting game — smash a series of buttons and hope that whatever moves wonder woman made, it would work. the first round ended rather quickly with sowon losing, followed by her recovery when she won the second match. the third round took twice as long as the previous rounds that by the time she realized that she had won, her eyes widen in surprised.