riri

I'm starting my student-teaching experience soon, and boy am I pumped! Except, I am unsure what my teaching philosophy is, and I'm afraid someone is going to ask me, and I'm going to draw a blank. I have one because I had to write one 3 years ago in my Classroom Management course, but what did I really understand or know about teaching when my school has not given me any high school teaching exposure or placements until now? My philosophy is not bad, just unfocused, and does not completely embody the person I am now.

Therefore, I'm going to take some time now and see what still resonates and what changed, as I see where I can build upon this semester

Concepts I still resonate with:

My identity as a Sikh: "Sikh" literally means "learner." It is inherent in my identity that I am abundantly curious, and utilizing that strength as a form of advocacy and empowerment for others. As an educator, I am simultaneously a learner.

Constant interaction and discussion: I will have a few solo work days implemented, but I never want to sit behind my desk and teach. My professors have done a lovely job demonstrating the impact and necessity of guided discussions, encouraging us to talk about our interpretations, opinions, and personal experiences without it feeling embarrassing. I want to offer a safe and comfortable environment for thoughtful, respectful, and honest discussions about the text, which means that I share my reactions, anecdotes, and ideas in a way that opens the conversation up. I love Socratic-style seating where everyone can see each other.

Writing as a form of empowerment: I want to show my students that writing is not only a skill, but a form of empowerment. To be able to convey ideas and opinions in writing (and speaking) is a necessity today! So many people know how to utilize their words to influence others, and I hope to instill confidence and tools to help them tap into it. I think I need to work on this myself because I rarely write

Concepts I do not resonate with:

Studying classics as one of the only ways to understand history: I feel like I wrote this in a snobby, "classics are the best way to learn literature," mindset. Like, yes, classics are classics for a reason, but after my last two years of college, I've learned that it is possible to read contemporary novels and learn about the effects of history and its implications today. I wrote this: "I will focus on their personal development as a literature teacher as we study the classics in order to understand the present implications of life today. In order to understand how society is now, we have to understand where it came from," which reading now sounds so cringe. FOR EXAMPLE: Novels like "How the García Girls Lost Their Accents" by Julia Alvarez, "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro, and "Exit West," by Mohsin Hamid are perfect examples of immigrant narrative literature that embody both the past and present!!

New concepts!

Tech-free classroom. Controversial! I believe that students receive enough screentime and do not need to use technology in the classroom. I am honestly okay with reading novels in class and not assigning any reading homework. I am pro-discussions, handwriting, having a journal, holding physical books/paper copies that students can mark up, all of it! I don't really care that this makes me seem archaic and unaccepting of the fact that technology is a reality in our lives. I understand that this is a reality, which is why I want to ensure that my students can function without its grasp and can think! Writing papers? I don't quite know what I want to do with that. I do want my student's to write many 2-3 papers, but I do want more projects that allow them to be creative and demonstrate they understand the material (newsletters, playlists, podcasts, video essays, art project, comics, etc).

I am PRO media literacy! One thing I want to implement in my future ELA classes is teaching students how to present themselves online, identify fake news, read the news critically, and analyze AI-generated media. #antiai

Consistency and structure. I want to be so structured that my students know exactly what to expect without me needing to say it. Students crave structure!! At the moment, I don't mind if that makes me boring because if they have structure, if they know what to expect on a given day, there is more room for them to use their brains to think about the novels, the questions I'm asking, etc. It minimizes the distraction, confusion, and chaos that the world is already in!

Tumblr is not on the chopping block.

Anyway, as I read my previous posts, I miss how dramatic and free I was. I think I slightly judged my writing and how I presented myself online, but now I'm in the stratosphere of poor self-judgement and self-esteem. You always believe you're the worst version of yourself in the present moment; however, as I look back now, I genuinely believe I was at my highest point. WELL. See, that's dramatic, but I know I was much happier then.

My mom told me and my brother that we have to come up with some New Year's resolutions by the end of the week. I haven't started thinking about it, which is totally fine.

"It's only Wednesday," she says with no idea with what she wants her resolutions to be.

I'm not one that believes in New Year's resolutions. I used to, but then sometime, somewhere, someone on the internet told me that they're unsustainable. MAKES TOTAL SENSE! I agree! We write down a bunch of fluff that we think we can tackle by the end of the year, and by the 3rd week, we give up. That and my favorite argument that I always used was the whole, "why do you need one day to define your whole year" thing. Like, someone can make goals at any day of the year, why does it have to be January 1st - "if you really wanted to reach your goal, you'd start right now." And yeah, I get all of the sentiment. I understand. We're all little weak-minded individuals that need instant change and gratitude and can't handle the necessary means that it takes to set goals, fulfill them, and continue trudging through a generally sucky world.

But, here I am! About to write down some resolutions. I really think that I can do it this year. Looking back, I did do a few things on my vIsiOn BoaRd considering I looked at that thing once. It was very pretty.

ANyway. On with it

1. Reestablish healthy levels of dopamine

My only issue is my phone consumption and automatically, my social media consumption. THROUGH the roof. Embarrassingly too high. Makes me sick, frustrated, and unruly. I hate going on my phone, but I literally cannot help it. It really do be an addiction, so I'm gonna do whatever it takes to actually not be obsessed with my phone. Starting rn!! Timers to Snapchat and Youtube were set. I deleted Instagram off my phone because that's honestly an easier one to delete. Twitter and Instagram are still on my laptop, and I'm gonna keep that because I'm easily less likely to go on my laptop to scroll on the media. I also don't watch Youtube on my laptop that much?

2. Become my own best friend

Haha! I hate myself! Nothing new, but I’ve been slowly becoming my own friend again. Not yelling at myself all the time - allowing myself to make mistakes - not expecting perfection - not invalidating my own feelings - trying to build my own confidence again - being sure of my words and self even if I’m unsure, being sure of my uncertainty..... A lot. Yanno maybe take myself out on dates and make time for me. I just want to trust myself again, and be my own friend. I deserve that level of respect and love to myself especially if I provide that for my friends. 

3. Invest in my hobbies, skills, and interests

With my newly established dopamine, I will also make more times for things that matter in my life such as: painting, drawing, guitar, bass, podcasting, writing on here perhaps, etc.. This goes hand in hand with my first resolution, so hopefully this comes naturally. I am a little nervous because I have neglected these things before as I’ve gone on this journey multiple times. I am going to have to figure out how I’m going to allot time to these things. These things require effort, and being on my phone did not. I’m naturally a tired person, but maybe that was my phone. I dunno! We will SEE!

4. Create meaningful relationships

I haven’t been the type to maintain friendships. I’ve gotten better. I have three solid lifetime friendships, which is more than most people can say and I’m so endlessly grateful for them. I have 4-6 solid good friends, which is also awesome, and a bunch of acquaintances that easily could be great friends had I put a little more effort. I’m not looking for more friends because I am very content with the people that I have, but I do want to make every interaction I have with someone meaningful and positive. This requires a little more effort in reaching out, keeping and making plans, and establishing a solid friendship even if it doesn’t last forever. I say this mostly because I’ve closed myself off to people - mostly unintentional, and I want to understand others more. 

5. Mind, body, soul

Journal/Read, exercise/eat healthy, pray

Seems self explanatory, I’m pretty decent at like 1.5 of them. Praying is gonna be tough, but I do want to appreciate it more. But that want must turn into action, so I will pray. Maybe just listen at first, which I have done, but seriously like. It’s another outlet. I love my religion and what it stands for, so I should make time. 

6. Understand my career better

 Side quest, but a very important side quest. I wanna know what I might get into. How to do it. What can I do to understand it, so I wanna take a lot of time to really dig in and invest in my future. 

In a way that he's on an island, and I'm on a boat, passing him by.

And he watches me too, as he cups his hands into circles and mimics binoculars

Looking, noticing, but not in the same way

It's not something that's sustainable, and he is no unrenewable source

ANYWAY...

I find myself realizing that the issues in my life have nothing to do with the things in my life, but actually just me.

I'm also not the issue either. The issue is my mindset. I think I'm getting better at it though. I'm recognizing my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I don't think I'm moving backwards per se. I think I am genuinely moving forward with my life.

I can write. I am a good writer. I enjoy writing!

I say this as I write simple sentences.

The point is... I loved writing on here. Reading back on a few of my old posts, I realize how much value I have even if no one really reads these posts. The question is, do I write so that others can read, or do I write in hopes of others finding it?

I hate how something huge needs to happen in order to realize all the wrong things I've been doing.

I've quite literally strayed so far from myself that I either...

1. just don't recognize myself anymore 2. continue to just disappoint those around me 3. ruin relationships and connections w/ people 4. don't really even know what I value or care about anymore

I do a lot of things

The grasp that Mother Nature has on me is justifiably annoying yet understandable. We're living on Mother Nature's Earth, and so she decides our wellbeing.

I'm honestly just annoyed because I'm happier now that the weather is warmer. I feel like I can not say "nicer" or "more beautiful" because I do not want to insult Mother Nature and her other seasons. Fall is beautiful. Winter is beautiful (for the most part).

I'm annoyed because I want to enjoy life 24/7, 365, but the weather does not allow that to happen! I can only enjoy it for 6.5 months, which... is actually a longish time. It just does not seem long.

The good times go by quicker.

Anyway, I feel more productive and alive, but I do not want to rely on 6.5 months of the year to feel this way.

Doom-scrolling is not a healthy coping mechanism, or remotely relaxing.

Day 1 of trying to love myself:

I am nervous (I learned how to say that in Spanish: Estoy nervioso) because I am highly encouraged - forced - to start loving myself. I guess I have tried to embark on this journey before. Still, they were all short-lived because I had other things to do - school, social life (or lack thereof), dealing with extracurriculars, another myriad of excuses that I thought of to avoid this.

I knew from the beginning that this is going to be complicated because a part of me enjoys the chaos, and that is because I feel like people like disturbed or vulnerable people. I do not know why; I suppose I appreciate the attention and feeling like people want to fix me or something. There definitely is some psychological thing related to that. I guess I felt like that people did not want to be around confident people because there is nothing to fix about them. Are we drawn to people we want to repair or confident people? I think to some, I exude false confidence, which is fine, but it is easier to be harsher on people that have themselves figured out because I think people either love or dislike confident people. Just as happiness is a choice, unhappiness is a choice as well, and I feel that I am just so used to hating myself and finding flaws that I have accepted it as my norm. That is bad! It is all a habit anyway. Just have to make a new one, I suppose.

My thoughts are very much over the place as I reflect. I am aware of my own sadness and lack of self-love and maybe why I do it. I never know the right way to begin. I am very much the sort of person that needs directions and steps to do something. I know I can research and look up hundreds of sources online, but that is overwhelming.

What if I love myself wrong?

Which part of me should I start at?

What do I need to fix first?

I gather that my lack of starting relates to my lack of self-confidence and assurance that I can do it. I am very open to change - physical change that is; mental and emotional change scares me. I am so terrified to change. :(

Weirdly enough, though, I think I am in tune with my emotions. I am not afraid to let them occur naturally, i.e., allowing myself to cry in every movie I watch because it is emotional. That's a plus, maybe.

I have to go to class now.

Kurt Vonnegut scares me. Slaughterhouse Five not only ruined my perception of him, but also the perception of myself because of how abstract his writing seemed to me. Not gathering the relevance of prior historical knowledge set me up to utter confusion and disappointment reading this book in eighth grade. Also the fact that I did not think I was mature enough to be able to read his book in the first place.

I was young. I never enjoyed history or abstract writing- whatever that may be - until high school. I am sure that if I read the book again, I would be thoroughly intrigued.

That being said, I embarked on another Vonnegut novel, Sirens of Titan. Last year I started reading the book during Quarantine, and I do not know why I stopped reading it - I do not think I could focus on reading it amidst a pandemic.

Fast forward to college, and I am trying to finish reading all the books I did not get to finish in highschool/ been putting off because I have been lazy. . . . Going into the school year, I already had my forbearance against rereading Sirens of Titan, but I pushed through. . . .

I loved this book! Sadly I did not write down any quotes that stuck out to me, but this book gave me great Rosencrantz and Guildenstern vibes only because of the subtle discussions of existentialism and the universe.

Malachi travels from Earth to Mars to Mercury to Earth to Titan, a moon in Saturn’s orbit.

Understanding the multiple layers that Vonnegut must have had when creating this entire adventure - sci fi - commentary novel about our purpose in life, I cannot help but wonder if I like Malachi Constant or not. I think his purpose in the story is to reflect us. There was one point near the falling action of the novel where I pondered: [paraphrased] Malachi Constant could not think of one good thing he has done.

I am sure that we can all think of one good thing that we have done, but in the sense who are we to judge what kind of person we think we are. Actually, it might be two-fold: our opinions of ourselves matters, but also how we treat others and their opinions of us matters, as well. That was a mouthful. All I am saying is that the good that we think we do could be done more.

Malachi was “I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.”

This line was repeated by Malachi when he returned to Earth, and it is endearing. This quote reminds me of Bob Ross because the connotation of “accidents” can be good or bad. Happy Little Accidents vs Bad accidents. Whatever one it was, it makes me feel almost safe in a way. The universe is so fast and unyielding that perhaps we are all accidents that happened to live and love each other on the same timeline, which leads me to the next line that I found online:

“It took us that long to realize that a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” All the times love was mentioned in the novel, it was a task and not very glamorous, but I had not realized that there were so many more subtleties that love comes through as. The novel shows us love prevails all if we so choose to notice who is around us through it all.

The novel moved through space and time taking my attention with it because of how structured it was. Malachi’s downfall as a modern day anti-hero reflects us as we both try to accept fate and find our own sense of free-will within it. How much is written in the stars, and how much is up to us?

Vonnegut has created the universe that we wonder and ponder today as a place of mysticism and a place of which is an all-knowing that both watches how we exist. Everything that happens in his book, has happened, already happened, and will happen, which is how we live our lives now.

I could talk about the novel more than I could write about it.

Kurt Vonnegut does not scare me anymore.