Brand New Eyes

Pero at the end of the day, pag binigyan ako ni God ng “out” alam ko naman na si Kara pa din at si Cholo ang pipiliin ko. Dahil siguro, part of me tanggap ko na at masaya naman ako sa buhay ko tapos ako lang yung hanap ng hanap ng kulang. Or part of me, indenial lang. May kulang talaga. Kaya lang parang naubos na yung lakas ko kumawala kaya pinabayaan ko nalang.

Send help.

And there’s my daughter too, who she adores so much and being taken away from her as well. Guess who. Me again. So now I am certain that she hates me.

I’d go on to a list of details why she probably don’t like me. The list goes on. But who cares?

#motherinlawdilemmas

Limitado lang din ang kaya kong palagpasin sa mga bagay bagay. Kase tao din ako.

I looked at the mirror and saw that awful me with a slouched body, Pale skin, Tired eyes, Stretch marks all over, scars beneath; an unexpressive totality of a person. That’s me a couple of weeks after I delivered a life in this world. Can’t figure out the emotion I was feeling at that moment. It’s like a canvass drawn out with alot of lines, shapes, and colors-an abstract where the true meaning is in the eye of the beholder. It was actually alot of mixed feelings of joy, agony,fear, tiredness-physically, mentally and psychologically. I felt imprisoned in a blue room where all I hear are the pounding of construction work upstairs and this little life’s cry-which happens like all the time. I’d like to have some sleep too whenever possible. Whenever she’s asleep, I’d like to have some small naps too. But I couldn’t. I forgot that I haven’t ate something yet to fill my stomach with. I had to choose one. And I often would just close my eyes and try to sleep. But I couldn’t still. I have this alertness of a feeling where I am waiting for this little life to wake up and cry a bit again. It was crazy. I need to sleep, really. Could somebody just please, I’m begging you, help me sleep. And By that I mean, get this little life out of my radar for just one minute so my system would shut down and take some rest. I swear I’d kill for that. But I killed no one. Cause no one was there. I am in a pit and no one’s ever reaching a hand over me. Everybody was too busy with all that’s necessary in their lives and I forgot that this little life should be my necessary one. But I couldn’t bare it anymore. And I couldn’t do something about it. Oh please, could somebody give me a hand? I don’t know what’s there to do. I am lost. I am out of words. I am out of strenght and my body is about to give in. But nobody listened. Cause nobody knew. I tell no one cause I can’t be a trouble on their way. They couldn’t stop for me just cause my life has stopped already. This life I have now is not mine anymore. It belongs to this little life now. My life stopped when she came out. My life with irresponsibilities, career, social life and all that shit I used to do. It was time to do good and have it all figured out. Cause if I can’t be sane for myself, I need to be one for my kid. I chose her over that career, over that carefree life I was in. I gotta stand with it. I had to fight these things that rambles in my mind cause if I don’t then all of these heartbreaking things are meant for nothing.

You got sick of me and you gave up on me cause I’m such a needy cry baby who always wanna go home.

Madami ka nga naman kase iniisip. Kung bakit ba naman paulit ulit lang ako sayo. Na gusto kong umuwi at nalulungkot ako dito. At di pa rin ako komportable sa kabila ng lahat ng ginagawa mo para sakin at para sa baby natin.

Ang sakit lang. Na nagsawa ka na marinig kung ano yung totoo kong nararamdaman. Siguro pakiramdam mo di pa sapat lahat para sakin.

Kaya lang di naman lahat ng kulang sa buhay ko ikaw yung makakapuno. Hindi lahat ng mali sakin ikaw yung makakapag tama. Akala ko lang okay tayo at mas gusto mo nailalabas ko kung anong nararamdaman ko. Pero naalala ko tao ka din nga pala. Napapagod ka. At nagsasawa ka. May mga problema ka na malamang hindi ko alam. Kaya eto ka ngayon. Nagbibitiw ng mga salita. Na alam mong kahit masasaktan ako. Binitiwan mo pa rin.

Okay lang din yan. Mas gusto ko yung sa totoo lang tayo. Kesa naman papaniwalain mo ko na okay lang kahit hindi na.

Gusto ko lang malaman mo na masakit yung mga sinabi mo sakin. At hindi ko inaasahan na masasabi mo sakin yan.

Pagod ka. Pagod ka sa ibang bagay. Pero pwede ring saakin ka na din napagod. Sa paulit ulit kong pagrereklamo.

Pasensya ka na.

................…………

Pardon my mouth if I can't stop blabbering nonsense when I'm hyperactive.

Excuse my poor choice of words when I'm mad at you. I tend to be tactless and act like a vulnerable bitch, and I know it's not healthy.

Forgive me if a lot of times I misunderstand your intentions. I know mostly that those are stupidity and yet I turn them into something bigger than it is.

Resent me not, please. I'm not perfect and I have a lot of shortcomings. But please understand, I Love You so much that I want to talk to you about my stupid and funny day. That I easily get hurt of something you've done unintentionally. And that I am too selfish and too jealous I don't want you near anyone but me.

Fooilish reasons, I know. But its really what I feel.

He's not vocal but in so much ways he makes me happy, calm and feel protected.

In so many ways I tried to see his flaws and his shortcomings. It wasn't cool. But I did. Maybe I was trying to compete with his maturity and good heart. That he's this and that and I am me. Maybe it pisses me that he always know better than me. Not cool again, I admit. Or maybe all of those are to prove that he deserves me more than I deserve him.

As I was composing this, I can't help but feel a little pinch in my heart on how many times I doubted him as a person. How many times I expected for him to hurt me and fail me, but at the end I am left realizing that it was me that tortures myself, who poisons my heart and clouds my mind.

He was this man whom I adore cause he knows how to control me, he knows how to make me laugh on a very annoying and serious conversation. Who knows how to melt my heart and sets the butterflies in my stomach.

I know that it's going to be a rough road. Me being here and him being far away. Financially, though he always tells me not to worry about it. Emotionally, he was getting better at showing his feelings, though I don't really expect it from him anymore. I've learned to accept that he isn't a perfect man that would change just to please me. I should understand that it's not always gonna be about me, cause I'm preganant. I should start to see him as an imperfect and vulnerable guy who also needs to be understood and cared for. He needs me too as much as I need him. And he's alone sacrificing too for our future.

Give me something to hold on to. Cause I might give up, and that scares me. I don't wanna be weak for my little angel. But what if Thy heart wants to set free?

All my confusions are still there. And still there's more adding up to them.

Guess what, I fucking don't know how to answer that cause frankly, I got evious with your life. You have the money, you have the freedom and you can still have your family backing you up, me and our baby.

What more could you ask for?

While me, I lay at bed all times waiting for our baby to pop out and get my life back or not even entirely. Just get out again, be free, spending my own money, not being watched over by your family. Eating and drinking and smoking adn do everything I can, just to feel alive.

Don't get me wrong, I love you and the baby. You're everything I'd hoped for. Just never thought I'll be this unworthy being. Feeling like I lose it all. My poise, my freedom, you.

Well you can't really have what you wanted in life. I'm just fucking happy for you that you can still choose from life. I just thought you didn't wanna get married too soon cause we're not ready financially. Then you'd ask me that. Made me ask myself the real reason you didn't wanna get married asap.

Now I'm confused. Do you really wanna marry me? Or you just didn't had the guts to tell my parents that you're not the kinda guy who marry someone because he knocked someone up. You're the kinda guy who marry a lady because you wanted to, just like you told me.

Now I'm getting more confused.

Fuck.

I wrote this to let you know that I'm happy you could still do what pleases you unlike me under this circumstance. But I meant taht on a positive basis.

Okay?

Still confused. Cause its all a domino effect of reasoning.

The statements I had were vague.

Lord, gabayan mo kami ni Ryan. Wala pa kaming plano sa sarili namin, kase hindi pa siya handa. Ako rin naman.  Pero nakakawalang pag-asa maisip na lalayo at mabubuhay ng tulad ng dati. At ako, maiiwang naghihintay at umaasa. Masakit pong isipin na hindi pa siya handa pakasalan ako. Natatakot akong maging isang ina na walang kapares sa pagiging isang magulang. Hindi ako kailanman magiging sapat para sa anak namin. 

Gusto kong mahalin niya ko at pakasalan niya ko nang sigurado na siya sakin. Walang pag aatubili, walang pagdududa. pero paano kung hindi na siya maging handa? 

Lord, pagtibayain niyo po kaming dalawa. magkalayo man po kami, sana pagbukludin mo kami ng iyong pagmamahal. Ipaalala mo po samin kung pano kami naging at magiging masaya sa isa’t isa lalo na at bubuo na kami ng pamilya.