rina !!

your dad assured him there wouldnt be much socializing at mass: everyone wanted to get out of there.

but when you pulled up, and walked to your grandfather and aunt and uncles standing outside, seeing your grandfather shake his head, you looked at your brothers in confusion. your twin raced up to him, only to come racing back with the words, “its full” falling out of his mouth.

jaws were on the concrete. “this is why they should’ve had it at the other place!” being said by the older generation. “lets go back to my house,” great rallying by your grandfather, and everyone nodded along.

“what does he mean its full?” jake whispered to you, as you two walked side by side in the back of the pack.

“the church must be full,” you shrugged. “usually they had christmas mass over at the parish center which was larger but i guess they didnt want to? maybe theyll decide to next year.” he nodded, grabbing at your hand. you swatted it away. “my catholic grandfather is right there along with my nosy aunt and my nosy uncles, and i have an even nosier grandmother. sorry babe”

jake laughed, nodding, as you all piled into the car once again.

in the car-ride, your brother paused as he was saying something, and asked if you all could swing by the cemetery to see your mom. you, who wanted to introduce her to jake, agreed quickly.

after your dad gave directions to the lone-gone brother, two left turns and a right, you all arrived promptly. getting out, you trekked across the snow begging your dad with a bad back and a bum need didnt fall as you held hands with jake all the way there.

at your mom’s gravestone, you muttered a hi. “this is jake. hes my boyfriend. weve been dating for…a while.” she would know. you didnt need to say it. “jake, this is my mom. and to her side is my uncle mark. hi uncle mark.” jake said hello, talking to your mother in a hushed tone like he did when he met your father.

by the time you finished at the cemetery, you were rushing to your grandparents house.

they were waiting, although the food hadnt started, and your grandmother had gotten word of a man with the baby in the family. naturally, she laid on the questions.

“whats your name? how old are you? what do you do? howd you meet?” every question jake answered with extreme grace, even with interruption from your aunt to beg your grandmother to stop interrogating the poor boy. jake said he was fine.

your grandmother liked that.

when dinner ended with stuffing your faces with lasagna and alcohol, and jake being approved by everyone in the family—your grandfather took some time—you made your way to your next stop, your dad’s best friends/your moms cousin.

——

your cousins welcomed you with almost tears in their eyes—although they mightve been drunk. jake didnt get the nosy reaction that he got at your grandparents’, but he got the same reaction as from your brothers’.

the night went on smoothly, if you count joking and catching up and meeting and consuming copious amounts of alcohol, then yeah it was going extremely smoothly.

so extremely smooth, in fact, that you all hadnt realized you had been there for 5 hours, the clock already 11:40. none of you really paid attention, the alcohol did plenty to keep you all awake until your heads hit your pillows later that night.

jake and you stayed cuddled up on the couch, despite retching noises from cousins and brothers alike, and continued drinking. your eyes were the only ones that kept checking the analogue clock on the wall of their living room.

11:57

11:58

11:59

12:00

christmas day

“merry christmas,” you whispered to jake, kissing him while on the couch.

“merry christmas,” he whispered on your lips.

when everyone sat down again, the order was decided. it switched up every year. sometimes oldest to youngest (which means you would go first) sometimes it would be decided by a game like darts. this year, opposite of last, it was unanimous to go youngest to oldest, meaning your gift would go last.

chanyoung got a toy hammer from jaein (a gag gift, his actual hammer had snapped)

chaeyoung, his twin, got a tws album (much to the chagrin of jaehyun) from dahye

dowon got your gift—a book on architecture he had been talking about

jaein got chanyoung’s gift, a goofy hat that jaein made a point to wear for the rest of the night.

jaehyun got a set of earrings from dowon—he had been talking about getting some more for a while.

dahye and chaeyoung exhanged presents too—the former getting a p1harmony album, leaving a sulking jaehyun.

all eyes turned to you, the oldest, when it came time for you to open the gift. you were careful with the delicately wrapped paper, already deducing who it was from. the box was fancy, much fancier than all of your gifts, to which everyone groaned, saying it was unfair.

“should’ve become an idol, then!” jaehyun joked. everyone shook their heads incessantly.

when you opened the box, smile ever-present, it faltered.

“oh my god. jae.” he grinned. “this is fucking amazing i cant believe you remembered.” he shrugged.

“i promised!” he pulled out the necklace he was wearing, showing it was identical to the one in your hand.

it was something you had designed in middle school. jaehyun was the only one of the friend group you knew back then, and he had promised that one day, he would get the two of you matching necklaces with your design.

if it was a novel, your eyes wouldve glittered. you were smiling so wide your cheeks were starting to hurt, honestly.

“jae thats unfair,” dowon groaned, glancing between us. jaehyun shook his head.

after, as everyone cleared out, you stared out the window, staying with jaein and his family for a few days until a situation with your family cleared up. jaehyun tapped you on your shoulder as dowon said bye to everyone

“so, what do you think?” you smiled, touching the necklace around your neck.

“it’s perfect, jae, thank you. best secret santa ever.” you kissed his cheek. in the light, you dont know if the red on his cheeks were from you or from the cold. he froze in place. “jae?”

“im sorry. if you hate me. im sorry.” before you could finish a question, he bent down, kissing you.

"are you cold, love?" you nodded, sniffing. he brought his hands to your cheeks, warming them. "come on, lets go sit down. the heaters on." hanbin took your things—your snow ridden coat, hat, and scarf and placed them on the hanger next to the door—then raced to catch up with you.

the boys cheered as you stepped into the family room (probably because you brought them food), and you smiled, sitting down at the end of the table next to yujin, who gave you a quick hug. you mumbled hi to him. hanbin sat down next to you, opening up the food you had brought so you all could eat.

as the vultures settled down with their food, you gazed out the apartment window at the unrelenting snow as you warmed up by the heater hanbin had moved next to you, and his arms.

“eat,” hanbin murmured in your ear, waving to the food slowly disappearing in front of you. you just laughed, picking up some utensils. after everyone had eaten, yujin was forced to clean up, and the boys argued over a movie to watch. hanbin shot you a look before knocking on the table. “why don’t we let yn decide. theyre the guest.” they nodded, handing you the remote.

giggling, you put on the charlie brown christmas special. matthew, in a moment of glee (or nostalgia) ran to whip up some hot chocolates, enlisting gunwooks help.

everyone laughed at charlie brown as the cocoas arrived, and you thanked matthew, who curtseyed.

“oh wow matt these are amazing thank you they taste so good.” he nodded, smiling, taking a sip of his extra whip cream hot chocolate.

as the movie continued, everyone continued to laugh, enjoying each other’s company on a day you really didn’t want to go anywhere else.

it was cold outside—too cold to function with the windchill and the snow, but the boy cuddling up to you, the hot cocoa made by a friend, and friends company (and a space heater) made everything better. hanbin made everything warm.

the bitter frozen world outside didn’t seem so bad, laughing and cuddled up with your friends and boyfriend. you had forgotten about it, honestly. at least you would, until you had to leave for your own apartment in the morning.

"we still have the after party, though." the two boys next to you froze, staring at you in disbelief. "oh come on!! you cant go to a high school football game and not... NO yujin dont tell hanbin, he'll hate me forever." you put your hand over his phone, glaring at him. woonhak laughed, shaking his head as the opposing team jogged on to the field. the crowd in red around the three of you booed, as you giggled, booing with them. your principal shook her head, smiling.

the first half of the game was a blur— the team started to lose. half time approached with a disappointment hanging through the air. a few members of the band (like seungmo and maki) approached the group. seungmo high-fiving mackiah. jihoo bounded up the stairs too, passing a bucket of popcorn to yujin. he smiled, and handed it to you.

the same classmate who you tapped on the shoulder, asking you something about the ap bio test you had taken that day. you groaned, telling her you probably failed, and said jokingly you'd never get into any schools. another friend turned around, shaking her head.

"i read your essay, yn. that things a unique fucking experience and its written well." woonhak and yujin started asking what your essay was, to which you shook your head, waving your hand to the field as both teams jogged on.

out of the corner of your eye, you spotted him. you couldn't tell who he was, but it sure as hell was moses. whoever the mystery student was approached halfway between the seniors and juniors and the freshman and sophmores. and, like every home opener, parted the red sea.

you giggled, holding your best friends hands for stability as you crouched down. they laughed at you as well, copying you before springing up with the rest of the crowd. yujin had a hold of your half-eaten popcorn bucket (you hadnt even gotten a bite yet).

the game restarted, as the team began to pick up the pace, your student section becoming more and more energetic. they eventually came out on top, much to your shock, and woonhak held out his hand. you pulled out your wallet, slapping down a 5.

as you left, you complained about some more school, college, and work (for the idols), saying hi to the administrators who laughed at the seniors continuously talking about school and college.

you walked downtown, grabbing some subs quickly before walking to the afterparty as a giant group, trying to keep hanjin and kyungmin's nerves calm, as jihoon laughed at them. you asked the guys if any of last years seniors (the 05s, as you all called them) wanted to join you all. yujin shook his head with a force.

"gunwook would tattle," he laughed at his own word choice, and then paused, "so would jongseob, i think."

"well yeah, but jiho and kamden dont care." mackiah replied, seungmo nodding along, finishing his sandwich. your group teetered along, reaching the park where the party was—spotting friends, classmates, and acquaintances (and opps) alike.

"hey! you made it!" one of your friends and classmates from last year giggled, you glanced at her weirdly, laughing.

"how many gummies did you take girl, fucking christ." another friend laughed, shoving a beer in your direction. you took it with a small curtsy.

woonhak tapped your shoulder. "drink, but drink moderately, ok? be responsible. yujin and ill be here." you nodded, taking a swig. "well talk with the guys!" you shooed them away.

"theyre protective of you." a third friend piped up, swinging his arm around your shoulder. you sighed.

"like my brothers ive never had." he laughed, taking a drink out of his on beer after clinking it with your own. your small group of (nerdy) friends looked over to your group of friends you had got dragged in.

"you want some?" the first friend, georgia, asked. you took three, glancing back to make sure woonhak and yujin didnt see.

"have you taken before?" you shook your head, mumbling something about always being with protective idiots. your friends laughed. robin, who still had his arm around you, spotted more incoming classmates, waving them over.

maria, the second friend, waved to the new influx, and you greeted them with a raise of your beer.

"hey yn. see youre without your guard dogs." you laughed, shaking your head, and motioning to where your friends stood, glancing back at you. "oh god damn." you nodded at zane's incredulity.

"i- oh. oh dear." you blinked, and georgia laughed.

"well yeah, hun, thats why you don't take three 25s on your first time." your friends heads snapped to you, and zane confiscated your beer.

"ok maybe we should get you to your guard dogs." maria was talking to robin, you could discern that much, but you giggled anyhow. robin pulled you in the direction of your two childhood friends.

"hey robin— what..." yujin trailed off, and you laughed so hard you thought you might throw up.

"um, theyre a little high." woonhak swore at him, and you laughed some more. "theyre a laughy high, apparently."

"maybe we should get taerae or hanbin. who else can drive?" woonhak asked this, pulling you up straight. your head spun.

"matthew got his drivers license 3 months ago. ill call him." yujin walked away, calling the older member on the phone in a hushed voice. "no! don't tell hanbin," however, was louder, and you let out a laugh.

the wait felt like two years (probably because you were high off your ass) until matthew came. he didnt say anything, just handed yujin a blanket to place over you, and motioned for everyone to be quiet. you fell asleep in the car like that.

when you woke up, matthew had carried you into the zerobaseone dorm, and now hanbin, jiwoong, matthew, and gyuvin were standing over you and yujin with their arms crossed. gunwook watched, munching on chips.

"whose idea was it to go to the party?" hanbin was the first to speak, his voice octaves lower than youve ever heard it.

"mine. im sorry hanbin. i- i dont have an excuse." your head hung, but that only made you queasy. you hadn't realized that you had drunken so much while high. matthew recognized this, because his face dropped, and held his arm over the other guys. he grabbed you, pulling you slowly to the bathroom, kicking out ricky and leaning you over the toilet bowl. hao walked in, questioning hanbin. they talked in hushed voices about the night.

once you were back on the couch, matthew sat beside you, rubbing your back. hanbin was on the phone with jaehyun and sungho, and gunwook was on the phone with kamden. jiwoongs facial expression had softened, too. gyuvin sat on the other side of yujin, and ricky and hao discussed the situation.

"you alright?" yujin asked, whispering. you nodded. taerae set a glass of honey water in front of you. you thanked him. he just smiled.

"you want something to eat, yn?" hanbin was off the phone with jaehyun now. his speech had returned to normal. you nodded vigorously. he laughed.

"are...are you mad?" yujin looked at his hands. and you looked between him and the adult members.

"youre children. we understand that. sure it's irresponsible, but we all did something stupid as children," matthew said, continuing to rub circles on your back. "hell, i was at a public high school in canada." hanbin rolled his eyes, but walked to the kitchen to make you something to eat.

"im really..."

"yn, seriously. we understand." jiwoong laughed, the sound bouncing around until it hit a spot in your brain that said everything was alright. your phone buzzed on the coffee table with texts from your friends, and hao shook his head, mumbling something about no screens.

“did they win, at least?” gunwook mumbled. yujin nodded from next to you, telling everyone the score. “see, reason to celebrate!” hanbin glared at him from the kitchen. “sorry.”

“do you want to stay until you feel better? i can call your parents to let them know your here.” jiwoong shook his phone in the air once.

“i can have yujin use my phone, they’d get suspicious.” he nodded, motioning for yujin to do so. your best friend giggled at some of your texts from friends, reading them aloud to you as you told him how to respond.

hanbin set down a bowl of kimchi stew in front of you, slapping away yujin’s hand when he reached for the spoon. you let him have bites as you ate anyway.

later, as you all sat on the couch and hao shot down gyubin’s suggesting of a movie, you were thankful for everyone, even the friends who had abandoned you (like woonhak, mackiah, seungmo, jihoon, hanjin, and kyungmin).

"i dont understand why there are so many idioms! im losing my goddamn mind." parker laughed, mumbling that you chose the language. you couldnt (or didnt want to) voice your doubts as you thought you could.

as they focused their attention on their homework again, you waved over zhang hao, who hanbin had asked to help cut fruits for you and your friends. he set down a plate in front of you, then sat down.

"what does 开夜车 mean zhang hao please im gonna kill myself." he laughed as hanbin looked up, extremely concerned.

"you know 熬夜, right?" you nodded "so its kind of like that but youre doing work. it literally means burn the midnight oil" you thanked him as he patted your head, pulling the plate of fruit away from your friends and toward you, gunwook making a sound of discontent.

you sighed, packing up your bag at a text from your oldest brother. he was home from his masters program in germany, apparently, and was now waiting outside the dorm. you loved your older brothers, you really did, but they were so much smarter than you ever will be. the oldest graduated magna cum laude from mit, now achieving an accelerated masters for mechanical engineering, and the younger was attending harvard for premed, both completely full ride.

your friends, finally re-noticing you, looked up. "where are you going?" gunwook asked, shushing yujin.

"brothers here," you mumbled, not wanting to wreck your self-esteem any more than you had. sarah pouted, but nodded, whipping out her phone. gunwook opened his mouth, but then quickly closed it. "bye hao, thanks for the help. bye, hanbin and jiwoong!" the three oldest members waved back, hanbin hugging you as you walked by. when you got in your fathers' car that your brother was driving, you spilled your guts.

# 2 dont fall behind

at some point, your motivation fell through. all you wanted to do was lie down and stare at the ceiling all day. sadly though, education laws (and school rules) prevailed.

as you trudged up the stairs from last lunch to pre-calculus, you cursed the architects of the three-floor building and whoever required you to go to school.

two of your friends—laura and ryan—had junior priv, which meant they left early. sarah and coral (who had missed the study session) were in ap chem, and gunwook left for a shoot. without your friends to motivate you to work harder, you felt there was nothing left for you to do.

you had fallen asleep in mandarin earlier that day, so why were you still exhausted?

quick answer: you had stayed up late finishing your apush bonus points.

actual answer: you had no motivation to do anything.

you were falling behind on homework: what used to be doing homework as soon as you got home turned into doing it right before class. a teacher had approached your freshman-year english teacher about it, the one teacher who you could talk easily to. yujin was standing right there; they mustve not have realized you two knew each other.

ricky and zhang hao had invited you over for a cdrama binge session. (ricky said "itll help you" in his texts.) but yujin quickly pulled you aside.

"youre falling behind?" he asked, pointedly. you sighed, nodded, opening your mouth to reply as gunwook walked by, asking what you were doing.

"nothin! ricky and hao invited me over." the words rushed out, and they were so not convincing, but gunwook shrugged and moved to sit down beside ricky and gyuvin. you hushed yujin and walked over and sat down beside hao. gunwook stared at you.

"come here." he motioned, shoving ricky off the couch. you hesitated as you made eye contact ricky, but eventually, there were only so many thumps against the couch you could take. "see? more comfortable over here" you hit him, and he let out a yelp.

"do you have much homework, yn?" taerae asked, setting down a bowl of popcorn.

"only a couple of classes," you replied, shoving a kernel in your mouth.

matthew laughed, "the usual suspects, im guessing?" you nodded. gunwook threw a (toned) arm around you as the two chinese members debated the drama.

"how much have you done? its sunday." gunwook asked, lightly, rubbing circles on your arm with his thumb.

"i can do it all tonight and tomorrow." you sighed, the sentence reminding you of where you are in school. gunwook hummed.

"make sure you get sleep, though. you need sleep, its not healthy if you dont." fuck. you were in deep shit in two ways. you were falling deeper into your rut, and you were falling deeper in love with your childhood best friend.

# 3 dont be too hard on yourself

...was easier said than done. your mind cursed you every time you got a bad grade. you wondered what was the point: you werent good enough to get into the likes of yale, or any of your colleges for that matter.

you had long since fallen off the ladder. it had injured you your 8th-grade year, and every attempt to climb back to where you were or any pushing from a 3rd party proved futile, as you only slipped and fell back down again.

the sat was fast approaching, and every practice test you did was never where you wanted them to be. every stupid math problem you got wrong brought a punch to your head. you had called gunwook, only realizing when he didnt pick up that he was in a shoot. panicked, you hung up before the voicemail. when he called you back (10 times with his members also calling you), you opted to ignore it. it was getting late, anyhow, and you had to go in early for apush in the morning.

apush lab made you want to kill yourself. sarah sat next to you, but everything always seemed to favor her. the quizzes, the teacher. it was unfair, really. american history was supposed to be your thing. so why were you struggling? after lab, sarah asked you what was wrong. "gunwook had called us in a panic because you didn't pick up." you shook your head, lying through your teeth.

"i had a question, but then passed the fuck out like 5 minutes later." sarah laughed and nodded, saying she was glad you got proper sleep, mumbling something about the aforementioned friend. when you asked, she waved you off, the man himself standing outside your classroom. he swung an arm around you as sarah walked in the opposite direction to her next class. he asked you the same thing. you lied to him too, but he looked less convinced. he didnt press you further, though, as you two began to walk down the stairs to your creative writing workshop—a senior elective you had begged your guidance counselor to take. gunwook took it to fill spots in his schedule.

the teacher loved him. as did everyone. you wondered if you could ever experience that. your oldest friend was everything you weren't and it was a point of contention inside your mind. you cursed yourself that you were nothing like him. gunwook nudged you in the middle of class when you were given an opportunity to work, asking what was wrong.

"i know thats not why you called me and then didn't pick up. you're also in your head right now." he pointed out, softly. you hummed, scribbling down something in your notebook.

"i just... i had a question but it was stupid. i figured it out." he looked at you pointedly, a look that told you to tell him the truth. "seriously! im ok!" he nodded, grabbing your hand for a squeeze.

# 4 do your best

you were nervous. ok nervous was an understatement. you rocked from heel to toe as you awaited the announcement that the doors were open. your friends chattered nervously around you. for them, this was the first time they were taking the sat. this was your second. you had gotten a 1340 on your first try—nowhere near where you wanted it to be. your brothers had gotten 1600 and 1590, respectively.

you were on call with all your friends the night before, gunwook coaching you guys through certain questions. he had texted you, (only you, but you didnt know that) wishing you luck. ricky and zhang hao had wished you luck as well.

everything seemed like bricks in your bag. it was only a couple of things—a computer, for the digital sat, a pencil, a calculator, a water bottle, and a banana. but it felt like you had hundreds of textbooks in your bag for no reason at all.

the doors swung open, and you rushed up to your assigned room. the setup was a blur, and the reading section seemed to be so too. during the break, your friends voiced similar opinions. then, during math, you began to struggle. somewhere along the way, though, gunwook popped into your head. you dont know if it was   because you wanted to make him proud, or you didnt want to disappoint your oldest friend and crush, but it worked. you powered through module 1 and 2, module 2 being the toughest one by far.

when the results came back two weeks later, you waited with baited breath as your friends skipped class with you to check all of your scores. gunwook held your hand as you refreshed the page.

"i dont want to look." you said, hiding your face in his chest.

"ill look for you." he mumbled into your hair, scrolling down. you felt him smile into the crown of your head, "i knew you could do it, sweetheart." you looked, and a big glaring 1590 stared back at you.

"wook!! holy shit a 1590!!" you wrapped your arms around him, squeezing him tight.

# 5 talk about it

you sat with your friends and the members as you awaited gunwook's family's arrival. gunwook smiled from his seat on the gymnasium floor, holding up his phone. almost on instinct, you all checked your own.

wook🩵: this'll be you guys next year. ill be up there watching you all.

sarah burst in to tears. laura full on sobbed, and ryan and carols eyes were brimming with tears. as you read the text again and again, you got a separate text.

wook🩵: i'm proud of you y'know? i saw you struggling a bit at the end there but you made it through. i love you, yn. im glad to call you my friend.

i love you i love you i-

"hey yn sweetheart!" gunwooks mom sat next to you. his brother waved, and his father gave you a curt nod.

"hi. you guys must be excited." his mom laughed, nodding, then shoving your shoulder.

"im more excited about something else." you opened your mouth to ask her what, but the ceremony started

giving gunwook his graduation flowers made him blush. he shook his head. "do you not like them, wook? i thought theyre your favorites." he shook his head again, dropping the flowers into his mom's hands, grabbing your face.

"you are clueless, yknow that? i gave you so many hints. everyone knows." when you asked him what he meant, "yn, you didnt think id notice you putting yourself down? you know i cant fucking stand that. sorry mom. it kills me that the love if my life doesnt realize how fucking amazing they are, and it kills me that they dont realize that im in love with them." at this point, you dont know what you were doing. because gunwook was confessing to you that he both likes you and that he knows about your self-deprication. so now, surrounded by friends and seniors, gunwooks family and members, you kissed him.

it wasnt like anything you had imagined. your first kiss, you mean. peering seniors were waved off by shouts from matthew and gunwooks brother—both burly enough that even the biggest varsity football players would shrink away.

gunwook smiled on your lips as your friends cheered amongst themselves. you heard a loud "闭嘴!" from zhang hao to what you presume was ricky chatting with the senior mandarin class. when you broke off, gasping for air, gunwook tore off his graduation gown, pushing it onto his poor unsuspecting leader. he grabbed your arm, and the two of you sprinted as fast as you could.

out the gymnasium doors, out back by the cafeteria, through the back-woods path. he stopped when he was sure no one would follow him.

"so whats going on? with the whole." he gestured to your head. you knew what he meant, so you nodded. you told him everything, how you compared yourself to everyone, especially your friends and brothers, you were falling behind, your motivation was close to 0, and you never really believed that you could do it. he was quiet for a while. you knew he was trying to find the right words.

you wanted to cry, or throw up, probably both. it felt like the trees and the birds and your boyfriend? were judging you. but gunwook just apologized, for not noticing sooner, for not knowing how to help. you shook your head, tears threatening to fall, but he shook his too.

"no, no, im your best friend, yn, i need to be here for you. im serious, you have people to rely on, you dont have to shoulder this all by yourself." the tears threatening to fall were not a threat anymore, and the dam broke. gunwook grabbed the back of your head, pulling you into a hug.

—

mandarin guide:

开夜车: kai ye che, lit. burn the midnight oil

熬夜: ao ye, stay up late