A Dialogue Between Two Strangers
written by someone who's losing all hope and wants to distract herself a bit.
"Hey, wait! Please wait!"
"Wha- ...Don't come near me! Fuck off!"
"Alright! Alright. I... Can I just stand here with you for a second?"
"No. Leave me alone. I need to do this."
"You don't. I mean... There has to be another way right?"
"No. I have absolutely nothing going for me."
"Maybe you do. Please just... Uh, think for a second."
"I spent my entire life thinking. I'm done."
"No, no, no! Wait! What's your favourite cat?"
"...What?"
"Your favourite cat breed? Unless you're more of a dog person?"
"What kind of dumb fucking question is this?"
"A question I'd really like your answer to?"
"..."
"..."
"I like sphynx cats."
"Oh... Really?"
"The fuck is that face for?"
"I dunno, I just... I thought you'd say something like... A ragdoll or maybe siamese."
"What's wrong with a sphynx?"
"Uh, nothing! Nothing, they're just... weird? Special?"
"So are you, for asking me all this random shit while I'm trying to end it here."
"I thought maybe the cat question could distract you from this."
"As much as I love cats, they can't hold me back."
"What about dogs? What breed do you like?"
"Oh for fucks sake."
"I personally really like great danes."
"..."
"..."
"Siberian Huskys are cool, I guess."
"Oh? Oh, that's a good choice!"
"... Geez man, you're sweating quite a lot."
"Yeah, cuz I'm trying to talk you out of this. I've never done this before."
"Right, that explains your questions about animals."
"They're a good reason to stay alive though?"
"... Yes, they are."
"So? Do you have a pet?"
"No. Not anymore."
"Oh... I'm.. I'm so sorry-"
"Yeah, just... Leave? Please."
"What was their name?"
"If you ask one more fucking question about my dead pet, I WILL jump... Immediately."
"Okay, okay, I'll stop."
"..."
"..."
"So?"
"Huh?"
"Will you go now?"
"No."
"Jesus Christ! You're making this difficult, you... you fucking motherfucker!"
"Yeah, that's the whole point."
"I will jump."
"Then I'll jump after you."
"...You'll ruin your fancy jacket though. It looks expensive."
"Yeah but I'd rather have my jacket ruined than your life lost."
"I'm a fucking stranger to you. Just go and.. act like you never saw me. Go."
"I won't."
"You're fucking annoying. Go!"
"No. You can't make me."
"..."
"Well, actually... You could, but that would include climbing off the railing and stepping up to me. Maybe beat the shit outta me or something. You'd get a bit of that anxious energy out and you'd scare me off. Win-win."
"Fucking hell, I should've just jumped yesterday."
"Well you're here now. If you want me gone, you have to leave the railing. If you jump, then I'll follow. Either way, I'm not letting you do this."
"... I miss when you just asked dumb questions."
"So I should continue?"
"NO!"
"So what now? You just gonna wait until I leave?"
"...Yeah."
"What if you leave first? Y'know, cuz you're too annoyed with me. Just imagine."
"Then I'll just kill myself elsewhere."
"With your luck I'd say there will be a way more stubborn person than me waiting for you there. The world can be kind."
"Sure, sure. That's also why I'm standing here, right? Cuz the world can be soo fucking kind."
"It can. You just... have to trust it."
"Trust didn't help me, it got me here in the first place. Now fuck off."
"If you want... You can talk to me. Right here. Just say whatever pushes your heart down. I won't answer if you don't want it."
"What I want is for you to get the fuck away from me."
"You know that I won't do that."
"Man, please just.. I can't deal with this right now... I don't... I just..."
"Don't be scared, you can talk freely. No judgement."
"Pfft, no judgement my ass! Remember that face you made when I answered your fucking cat question?"
"Yeah but that's a light, fun topic. Judgement is okay with something like that but not when you're standing here with your life at risk. Whatever dragged you here... That is your story and that is something I have no right to judge over, simple as that. Okay?"
"..."
"I won't push you to talk about it but just know that you can. I will just... sit here and listen."
"... It's 3 AM on a Saturday, why the fuck are you even here?"
"Well, I... also have issues I'm dealing with. Going on a walk at night is my way of coping."
"Must be nice. Being a man, a tall one at that... No one would ever dare to attack you."
"..."
"I had to pull my damn hood over my head and walk like I got something between my legs just to get here in the buttfuck of nowhere."
"I'm sorry."
"There's just not one fucking place I feel safe in. Always looking out for possible dangers... It's tiring."
"..."
"Y'know... I think the universe punished me with being a woman... Don't get me wrong, I really like being one but it's hard. Life as a woman is fucking hard."
"I can only imagine. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize."
"Sor-.... Right."
"I just... I don't think I have the strength for all this, y'know. I'm not made for this. This world, its rules, its consequences... It's not something I want to keep witnessing."
"Even with all its beauty? All the breathtaking places you could visit?"
"With what money? I'm broke. I'm broke because I'm too mentally unstable for a damn job. I rely on others and even with the little money I do have, it's barely enough to survive. I don't even deserve that money, other people worked for it. It's not mine. I have nothing."
"Can... Can I ask a possibly sensitive question?"
"If it's about my pet, than no. Otherwise, just go on."
"Do you have friends? Or any... Acquaintances?"
"..."
"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that."
"I don't have friends, no. I have acquaintances, but they're nothing to me, just as I am nothing to them. Neither of us would cry if we never saw eachother again."
"What about family?"
"I... I do have family."
"Oh, you do?"
"Yes."
"And... Are they of any importance?"
"I love them. And... I guess they love me as well."
"That's beautiful!"
"Right..."
"You don't sound too happy about that."
"It's just... They're good people. They're doing good financially, they want me to be well and they support me when they can, but.. God, it sounds so fucking clichΓ©, but they're better off without me."
"Why would you say that? You said they love you."
"Sure, but I also bring them a lot of stress. A lot of worry. I drag them down with all my mess and I want them to be free from that. They'll cry when I'm dead, of course, but they can heal and then they live with one less burden."
"And how do you know that?"
"Know what?"
"That they can heal. Grief is complex and for some people it never leaves."
"I know that. I lost people as well. I still hurt."
"Alright, so you know better. Don't you think it's a bit unfair of you to assume their love for you is so small that they can get over you? That they can live life to the fullest now that you're gone?"
"Geez... Now you get a bit rude."
"I mean... If you love them and they love you... They'll probably grieve for a very long time. It's very likely that your suicide would hurt them more than the worry you currently give them while you're still here."
"... Give me another stupid animal question."
"Would that help you right now?"
"Yes."
"Alright... Uhh, if you could choose a companion for life... Pigeon or crow?"
"No other option?"
"Nope."
"Pigeon."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I dunno... They need to be loved more. Crows already have a cool reputation, they have enough popularity. We abandoned pigeons and now they have to adapt to a cruel world all on their own. So... I'd befriend a pigeon."
"You see yourself in them?"
"Huh?"
"Just sounds like it. Y'know, cuz you sympathise with them."
"Hm. Yeah, maybe... What about you? Pigeon or crow?"
"Couldn't choose. They're both pretty cute."
"Lame answer."
"I would call that honesty."
"..."
"..."
"I, uh... I had a dog. Lost her a few months ago."
"Oh.."
"She looked just like the space dog. Y'know, Laika?"
"Oh I know that one. That's very sweet. I'm sorry you lost her.."
"Yeah, she.... Man, fuck.."
"It's okay, you can cry."
"You sound like a damn therapist, stop that."
"Just saying, don't try to suppress it. You're in the no judgement zone, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah..."
"What was her name?"
"Laika."
"No, I meant your dog."
"Yeah, Laika."
"..."
"..."
"That is... extremely creative."
"Oh fuck off."
"Right, right. No judgement."
"Laika is a very beautiful name and an homage to the innocent life that was taken. My decision wasn't creative but it had meaning."
"Hm.."
"..."
"..."
"Stop smiling like that, you look constipated."
"I just.. find you to be a pleasant person. I didn't expect to meet someone here at this hour. Am just glad it's someone like you."
"... Don't get all mushy-tushy with me, I'll still kill myself."
"Still being so straightforward, ouch."
"Just saying, don't get too attached."
"Well.. May I ask you something?"
"Oh, cuz you already didn't do that before? Alright, you have my permission just this once."
"It's extremely shameless of me to ask, I absolutely know that, but... Is there an option for you not to kill yourself today?"
"I- What?"
"Just not today. If you really have to, which I absolutely don't hope for, then let it be next week. Or in a month. Or next year. Just, uh... Don't let this be your last night."
"Why?"
"Because... I think we would get along. We don't have to call us friends but... I'd really like to get to know you better. I know it's extremely selfish of me and I should probably mind my own damn business but... I just wanna give you the option."
"..."
"It's your life. I just want to let you know that there's a person that wants to know you better because he thinks you're a good person and if you don't mind a bit of company... Then don't kill yourself tonight."
"You... are such a weird fuckin' dude."
"So it's a no?"
"It's not exactly a no, which is the scary part to me... I.. I feel conflicted."
"If you're conflicted... Then don't do it tonight. Give yourself another chance."
"I just... never had someone come up to me like this, telling me directly that they want to know me, at least not this sincere... Without wanting to get into my pants or something."
"Well it's a good thing that it is happening now, right? Wanna try? We can just... y'know.. meet up here sometimes and talk. Or sit in silence if it helps."
"... Fucking hell, you must be lonely as well if you voluntarily want to spend time with someone like me."
"And what if I was?"
"..."
"And even if I weren't... I'd still like to see you again. You seem cool."
"..."
"Like who else names their dog Laika who looks just like the space dog Laika? That can only come from a very cool and creative pers-"
"Oooh fuck off."
"Hahaha."
"... Pff. Don't get your hopes up though. I'll still be gone by the end."
"Hm... I think it's worth it."
"Fucking weirdo."
"Hey, I'm not the one clinging onto a railing in the middle of, and I quote, buttfuck nowhere, shaking like a damn chihuahua."
"Ha! Now you feel comfortable enough to joke like that, huh?"
"Yeah, you make it easy. I'm comfortable."
"Hm..."
"Now you're the one who looks constipated."
"Ugh, eat my ass."
"Pfft..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... Hey, something just occurred to me."
"Hm?"
"I don't know your name and you don't know mine."
"Oh... I'm Ellen."
"I'm Kenny."
"..."
"What, you think it's a funny name?"
"No, it's just... Didn't expect your name to be that. It's cool though."
"What did you expect then?"
"Dunno? Something like... Fletcher? Or.. Brock? Just something that screams I'm a scary and intimidating guy."
"Scary and intimidating..."
"Well, while you don't look like the hulk himself, you're tall as fuck and you have a resting bitch face, despite your optimistic attitude. And the long hair of yours...? Man, in this lighting? You look like Samara's cousin. Y'know, the girl that-"
"Crawls out of the TV, right... Well, I'm glad I could prove to you that I'm not as intimidating as I seem."
"Hm.. Do I look like an Ellen to you?"
"Actually? Yeah, you do."
"Ya kidding? Ellen to me sounds like a Goody-Two-Shoes. Like someone who's all innocent and clean and nice and sweet. Which is... unfortunately not me. Not to mention that the name Ellen is mostly associated with that famous cannibal lesbian, y'know. While I do kiss some girls here and there, I am not a cannibal. The only thing I share with that blonde woman is that we both can be cruel bitches."
"Ellen to me is someone who surprisingly talks a lot, who loves animals and who likes to dye her hair all crazy. I think that is perfectly you."
"My hair isn't crazy, your hair is just a lame carpet. "
"A carpet? Dude, you have green, brown and pink hair. YOU are the carpet between the two of us."
"Man, the cold water filling my lungs sure sounds good right now, maybe I should-"
"Don't you fucking dare, carpet."
