WARNING: Cancer, medical trauma, serious illness, hospitals, discussion of disability and mortality, fundraising. Previous Post for context.
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So. Itâs cancer.
For those of you following along, I've been undergoing an extensive workup to determine the cause of my Horner's Syndrome. There were a dozen possible explanations. Instead, the scans uncovered something I never expected.
The cruelest irony is that I was hoping to celebrate my five-year anniversary as a survivor of endometrial cancer in August. I couldn't wait to use the words "cancer free." Almost made it.
Instead, it's a malignant Pancoast tumor at the top of my lung that has already worked its way into my T1 vertebra and first rib. It is rare, aggressive, and wrapped around major blood vessels. My bones are literally being eaten; because of the structural location, I am at risk of paralysis.
My first oncology appointment is Monday, and the truth is, I am terrified.
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Because of the heart attack I just had, the treatment planâlikely simultaneous chemo and radiation before surgeryâis a massive gamble. Even the biopsy carries a risk of stroke. I am trying to preemptively organize my care because I know whatever happens next is going to be bad. My decisions moving forward arenât just about standard treatment; they are about whether my body can even endure being systemically dismantled, and what kind of quality of life will be left on the other side of it.
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The strangest part is looking in the mirror. I look into the glass and I just see my normal self looking backâin my my favorite Ramones t-shirt and cute Summer bob. Maybe looking a little tired, but completely intact. Assumptions get made about people in this position, like a diagnosis instantly overwrites who you are. Four years ago, I was a C-suite executive flying family to Vail. Today, I am still entirely myself, just trapped inside a brutal trajectory and trying to make peace with the math while dealing with the fact that my doctor is 50 miles away.
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I am a Medicaid patient with no car, an estranged family, and zero dollars. The state-provided transportation service has stranded me four separate times now, including this week. Missing Monday is not an option. When the van fails, a round-trip Uber is $100 to $140. There will be at least four or five of these critical appointments in the next few weeks alone just to figure out what happens next.
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Iâm putting the Ko-fi link below. I need to raise $500 to ensure I can actually get into the room to make these choices. If the state van actually shows up, the funds will help with groceries, and assistive equipment not covered by insurance.
It is incredibly difficult to ask for help, but I desperately need it.
Support Riff's Oncology Transit Fund đ
Count on me to continue making thirsty edits as long as my little fingers allow. I love reading your fics and admiring your artwork. This is the best fandom and I love you all so much. đŤś
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Okay... so this is right up my alley.
More weird whimsy and quirk in the romance genre... and more jaded suffer-no-fools women, instead of the creepy age-gaps, please and thank you
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Rating: Explicit. 18+ (Minors DNI)Â
Summary: She's back for more.
Warnings: smut, protected and unprotected p in v, slight choking, ice play, masturbation, voyeurism, jealousy?, sleeping with two different men in one night, alex in a tuxedo, scotch, weed, barely proofread because all the blood has left my brain
Words: 3,100
A/N: This is going to be a thing for me. I know it is. I know this is going to turn into a whole fucking thing because I just can't say no to a dude who's fighting the way he feels about someone. Jesus Christ. I asked my enablers friends if I should post this today, and they said yes, even though I literally have the final chapter of Healed in my drafts for tomorrow. Get ready to get sick of me, folks. In my humble, dumbass opinion... I think this is the hottest thing I've written? Gif used thanks to my talented and beloved @perotovar.
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You donât even know what he looks like naked.
Two weeks have passed, enough time for the shock of that night to dull, for any shame you held to fade and turn into something unresolved between your neighbor and you. Thereâs also been silence after eleven. Alex doesnât play, and Alex doesnât fuck. No cello, no woman gasping his name. You hate yourself for noticing the new schedule and how you canât stop thinking about him.
Until Oliver.
You meet him at your friendâs art show, heâs handsome, funny, and instantly charms you. He at least pays attention to you and even knows your name.
Youâre feeling bold, maybe itâs the negronis, your lilac short skirt and crop top, or the fact that you havenât gotten off in over two weeks. You donât hesitate to ask Oliver if heâd like to go back to your place.
The car smells like stale lemon, and the Uber driverâs playing some sad, twangy country song you canât stand, but Oliverâs hand is warm as it rests on your leg. He tells you about his dreams of being a professional comedian. Heâs cute, but not too cute, the kind of handsome that if your friends saw him, theyâd send you a nod of approval. Good enough for a quick fuck.
As the car turns on your street, Oliverâs hand now rests at the top of your thigh, and you actually feel yourself begin to ache in anticipation. Youâre giggly by the time you reach your bungalow, and Oliverâs palm stays on the exposed skin of your lower back as you dig through your purse for your keys.
Your hand stops when you hear the echo of footsteps behind you. Soft and rhythmic. You look up and over, just in time to see a shadow.
Alex. In a black tuxedo, holding his cello case, all debonair and gorgeous. You havenât seen him since that night, and now heâs here, haloed by the streetlamp. He looks at you, and the only thing that gives him away is the split-second clench of his jaw before he begins to move again.
You turn back to your keys, unlock your door, and pull Oliver inside.
A joint is split between the two of you, kissing in between, sharing smoke and tongues as you try not to think of your tuxedoed neighbor just on the other side of the wall. Oliverâs grunts and groans as your hand runs up his leg tell you he really wants you, so you lead him to your bedroom.
You let him undress you, let him take in your body and call you beautiful. It feels⌠nice. Fine, really. The heat of his glare is a little warming, but it pales in comparison to the way Alex looked at you from the first time you knocked on his door.
You lie back on your bed, open your legs, and Oliver runs his fingers through your folds, definitely slimmer and clumsier than Alexâs thick, efficient hands. Heâs hopeless at finding your clit, but you ooh and ahh him, hoping his cock will be a good enough lay to help you get off.
Oliver eagerly and clumsily undresses. You reach into your drawer and fetch a condom. Oliver rolls it on, and when he guides his dick in, itâs definitely slimmer than you wanted. He grins, like heâs been blessed by your pussy, and gently asks you, âIs this okay?â
You moan a yes for him, and he begins to move. Slow and savoring, not quick, passionate, desperate like the way Alex fucked you. Honestly, itâs so milquetoast and forgettable, your mind wanders off. No matter how much you want to be present, want to be here in your bedroom under cute Oliver, your thoughts are on Alex. Heâs probably still in that tux, maybe heâs undone his bow tie, popped open the first few buttons of his crisp, white shirt.
Itâs then that you hear the soft, muffled whine of cello through the thin drywall. The notes rise and fall on the other side of the wall. You close your eyes and open your thighs wider, as if you can let the notes slip in, past Oliver and fuck you. You moan, way louder than usual. Oliver believes your moan, and fucks you faster, desperate to be the one whoâs making those noises escape you. But itâs not him. Of course itâs not. Itâs Alexâs, keeping a tempo that makes each note drag you closer and closer to the edge of bliss.
Your moans duet with the music, and though your body lies in your bed, your mind and heart might as well have drifted past the thin drywall and into Alexâs home. Itâs not the way Oliver moves in and out of you, or the sound of his slight whimpers and groans, but the faint music played by your handsome neighbor that nears your orgasm. Youâre close, your eyes clenching shut, only picturing the ethereal glimpse of Alex you saw earlier. The memory of how full he made you, the rasp of his grunts, the warmth of his cum as it splashed across your skin. Alex, Alex, Alex.
Oliver feels you getting close, tries to seal his mouth over yours, but you tilt your head and move. Moaning loudly into the air as you orgasm.
The cello stops as soon as you let out the first, long moan.
Oliver finishes inside you, with a long gasp, then rolls away. You get up, clean yourself, and tell him thereâs a trash can by your dresser, almost feeling bad about how clinical you make it, but you just want your guest gone now. Youâre already resigning yourself to the fact that nobodyâs going to beat your hot neighbor.
When you return, now covered in the silk of your robe, heâs at the edge of your bed, still naked. Before your new neighbor, you probably wouldâve invited him to stay the night, let him hold you all night, then wake up and get breakfast. Maybe youâd see how it all plays out and date him for a while. But thatâs just not going to work now.
You smile, touch his arm, and say, âThis was really fun.â His grin is full of pride, and he looks at you like heâs almost in awe of you. âSo, Iâve got such an early morning tomorrow,â you say.
You see a hint of disappointment before he smiles at you. âI totally get it. Youâre busy. Iâm busy.â
He gets dressed quickly, like a good one-night stand.
Maybe youâll text him; maybe you wonât. Either way, when you walk him toward the door, you kiss him on the cheek and thank him for coming. The door clicks shut, and thereâs a moment of quiet.
Until your siren song starts to play again.
The cello.
It summons you.
You open your door, cross the small strip of grass, barefoot and only in your robe, hair still mussed and sex still on your skin. Thereâs barely enough time for you to ask yourself what the fuck youâre doing here before you knock on the dark wood with 2B in gold letters. Itâs like he was expecting you, it takes Alex no time to answer the door.
You were right. Heâs still in his tux⌠and the top buttons are undone. That cocky grin is there again, but thereâs a hint of ferality and maybe⌠possessiveness as his deep brown eyes assess your barely clothed body.
âPlay for me?â you ask.
He nods and lets you in.
You float to the couch on the waves of lust and need, skin burning hot as you feel him watch you. The couch dips, the buttery leather forming around your heated skin when you settle atop it. Alex picks up his drink from the table, a scotch on the rocks, big clear ice cubes tinking against the glass when he takes a drink.
He sits in his chair across the room from you, pulling the cello into his hold. He almost looks out of place, bare feet planting against the oak floor, tuxedo pants riding high. Heâs the confusing mix of cocksure and casual as he plays the first note.
Itâs lush, full of longing, and you bite your lip because heâs not looking at the cello. Heâs looking at you.
You canât even pretend youâre here for the music, and Alex knows that. You untie your robe, silk parting to reveal your collarbone, your breasts, and the way your thighs are already pressed together. He watches intently, playing his instrument flawlessly. So you keep going, letting your robe fall to the couch, spreading your legs to let him get a good look at you.
The cello keeps time with you, your fingers dragging over your soft mound, through your folds, brushing against your clit. You move with the music, let it overtake you as your hips grind against your palm and you dip your finger lower. Every whimper you breathe is for him to play against, and for his greedy, predatory gaze.
God, youâre so fucking wet, leftover from your orgasm from just fifteen minutes ago and the searing heat of your neighborâs attention. You slide two fingers into your cunt, flutter them inside, and drag them along the gushy walls in time to the tremolo of his bow. The music pulls you, spreads your legs wide, cants your hips in the air as the cello player soundtracks your desire.
He plays fast now, the loose curl on his forehead springs up and down as his eyes stay planted between your legs. Every note is perfect, but you can see the way youâre affecting him⌠the unsteady breaths heâs breathing, the tremorous rise and fall of his chest. Youâre so fucking close, one hand petting yourself, middle finger circling your clit, the other hand, two fingers deep in your pussy. You start to chase and chase, your orgasm floating with the notes just above your reach. Youâre a trembling, wet, and loud mess, stretched out on your new neighborâs couch.
Itâs obscene how bad you want this, how bad you want to put on this show for him. Youâre panting, lungs singing âclose, close, closeâ when Alex stops the song suddenly, and you freeze, holding yourself right on the brink.
âDonât stop,â he growls.
You listen, but go slower now, and rebuild your bliss. He stands, cello set aside, and takes his scotch with him. His bare feet move across the room to you, lowball glass hanging from one hand. He comes to the couch, looms over you, and you have to tilt your head back to look all the way up at him, all domineering in the low, golden light. He watches, sipping, as casual as ever in his only slightly off-kilter tuxedo.
You whimper, and he catches your jaw, tilts your face towards him. He presses the glass to your lips, and you taste the smoke and warmth when he pours it into your mouth. You swallow every drop, even if it burns, because the afterglow is so smooth.
He takes one last gulp, taking an ice cube into his mouth. He spits it into his palm, then traces it over your burning skin, a delicious shock of cold against it. The trail of wet and cold runs down your chest, circling each nipple until droplets fall down your breasts. A cold path is left down your ribcage, down your belly, past your mound until he runs the melting edge between your spread lips and right over your clit.
You gasp and laugh and moan all at once, breath catching when you see the wild devotion in his eyes. The ice falls to the floor, and Alex parts your knees wider, fitting his thumb against your clit. Youâre nothing but heavy breaths, ache, and want. You feel like youâre going to melt just like the discarded chunk of ice when he brings his face low, flicking his tongue over your nipple, teeth scraping against it. You try to speak, try to tell him youâre close, but youâre so fucking powerless, especially when his long, thick finger joins yours. You almost sob, a perplexing gratitude for the pressure of his hand guiding your own further. He presses the tip of your chin with his other hand and makes you look at him, as if he wants your eyes wide open for this, wants you to remember just how fucking humiliatingly desperate you are for him.
âGo on and take it,â he gruffs in that frustratingly still velvety smooth voice.
You do, bucking into his hand, soaking his palm as the pressure builds and sends sparks up your spine. Your whole body seizes up in one long, almost-endless orgasm. He doesnât even let you recover before he pulls your fingers out and raises your hand to his lips, tasting you, licking the sweet, sticky webs of your soaked desire off your fingers.
You reach for him, finding the outline of his cock, thick and hard through the expensive black pants. You slide your palm along the impressive length, squeezing him, savoring the way he grunts into the air.
Heâs already ragged and wrecked sounding when he tells you, âTake it out, if you want it.â
Your clumsy hands are at his belt, fumbling and trembling so hard you nearly snap the black, pearl button off. He stands, towering over you, yanking his pants open, and pulls his cock out. Jesus Christ, heâs gorgeous, all golden brown and huge, a fat vein latticed down the shaft, leaking crown so fat your pussy clenches at the promise of being stretched again by it. His hand wraps around his base, stroking it once, you fight your eyes from rolling into the back of your head at the sight of the drop of precum that he squeezes out.
âFuck me,â you beg. âFuck me.â Youâre a broken record of need and desperation, wanting to be played by this beautiful, broad man and his big cock.
He hmphs, cockily getting off at the way you plead for his dick. Youâre shoved back against the couch, and Alex splits your legs open, lining himself up with a hand on each of your knees. He presses his cock against your soaked, dripping core, running the thick head of it against your swollen clit. Youâre so restless, yearning for the stretch and ache of him that youâre keening, almost crying out prayers of his name as he teases your cunt with his cock. And then, when his cock finally bestows heaven into your needy hole as he enters you in one thrust, filling your glossy pussy, you scream. He holds you there, splitting you open as heâs buried in you to the hilt. Youâre locked at cliff, just breathing hard, as if savoring the impossibility of feeling this way again. You hook your ankles behind his waist, and he begins to move, slow at first, then faster, fucking you with the same furious, controlled tempo as he played the cello.
You donât know if youâve ever felt more alive, vibrating like a string as he plays you, every nerve screaming loud. His pace is brutal, his balls slapping against your ass as he curls you even more into him, his weight pressing against you. A curl falls onto his sweaty brow, and it springs just like before, up and down, up and down, keeping tempo with the way Alex slams himself in and out of you. He grabs your head with both hands, his fingers tight at the nape of your neck. His eyes are locked to yours, pinning you down, narrowing your world down to just him. Thereâs something in the way heâs cradling your head, rough and careful at the same time, that makes you burn even hotter for him. Thereâs an almost exposed tenderness in his eyes as he holds you and grips you, giving you no choice but to meet his black-coffee gaze.
You can barely breathe. But why would you ever need to? Not when you want this man to inhale you, consume you, and destroy you.
âYou let that boy fuck you earlier?â he growls.
âY-yes,â you shudder.
He slips his cock out and freezes, heavy breaths puffing against your face.
âYou like it?â he asks, eyebrow arching slightly.
âN-no.â
Itâs borderline uncomfortable the way your pussy is aching for him as he teases you with the heft of his tip against your eager hole.
He hmphs, trusty cocky grin showing up again. âHe get to cum inside you?â
âN-no. C-condom.â
âCan I cum inside you?â
You nod, eagerly. âI have an implant.â
Thatâs what Alex wants to hear. He slams into you so hard it almost hurts, but fuck, the pain is exquisite, itâs exactly what you needed. Tears are leaking from your eyes as Alex owns your pussy. He reaches around, splays his hand across your throat. The grip isnât tight, but just enough to make you utterly surrender to him.
You orgasm again, not because he tells you to, but because you canât not. Every part of you twists and detonates, your pussy clenching and spasming around him. The sight and feel of you shattering makes Alex join your euphoria. He thrusts once, twice, then lurches and his cock erupts inside you. You swear you can feel every pulse and drop of him paint your walls. He stills, tremors wracking his arms as he balances above you, then nuzzles his face into your neck, sucking greedy mouthfuls of your skin.
Time stops. You unwrap your still-shaking legs from around Alex, as he settles over you, his weight pressing you deeper into the soft cushions. You donât know how long you stay like that, both gasping, stunned by the hedonistic display shared between the two of you. He presses a kiss to your jaw, and you try to ignore the way it makes your heart race. He stands, tucks his cock away, and excuses himself, blinking a look of awe away before he turns.
Youâre already back in your robe when he comes back out, holding a dark gray towel. He offers it to you, eyes moving down to your exposed, sticky thighs, but you wave it off and tell him youâll just shower at home.
Thereâs a slight tilt of his head, as if nobody ever tells him no, or maybe itâs just an awkward bobbling of a nod. Either way, you tighten your robe and head for the door. âSee you around, Alex.â
âWait.â
You turn, and almost get mad at how frustratingly gorgeous he is standing in the middle of his living room with his sex tousled hair and furrowed eyebrows.
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