egress to existence

is it the aftermath of unfathomable exhaustion is it the feeling of seething with frustration or perhaps the yearning for abstention

It only took one thing to trigger my already fragile mind. I tell myself that maybe this is all the months of trying to convince myself that everything is okay when nothing is. Maybe this is all the weeks of faking a laugh and denying that I am actually hurt. Maybe this me being confused about why I always push those who care away and beg for those who don’t to stay.

Prior to this, some of my friends kept on asking about what we’re going to do for my birthday. They literally had a set of choices. Pizza, coffee, samgyupsal, whatever. I told them to just come over to my house. And they all said yes.

If I can remember correctly, I had invited at least 8 people from different friend groups to come. I rarely do this especially now with the pandemic. This meant a lot for me.

Since they don’t come from the same circles, I had to think ahead about how to entertain everyone and make sure nobody’s left out. I had even asked my mom to have certain dishes since some don’t eat most of the food we’ll serve. I was also about to ask my dad to set up chairs just for us so they wouldn’t get uncomfortable knowing that my relatives will also be there.

On my birthday, I simply couldn’t believe that nobody of my “friends” came. Well there were two. But they don’t count since they’re a staple in my life for 2, 3 years so I know they would be present. The rest of them canceled one by one that I had to fake my happiness that day. I literally pretended that I was fine. But I wasn’t.

My entire extended family was there. But those who I truly prepared for weren’t. Most of them didn’t even talk to me about them not coming anymore. I only heard about it from someone else. All this happened on the day of the party. So the extra food I had prepared, the chairs I had planned to set up, everything went to waste. It would have been more understandable and less painful if I was made aware at least a day before the occasion. But that wasn’t the case.

This left me heart broken that I don’t ever want to invite anyone ever again to come over for my birthday. I will never believe people again when they say they’re excited to celebrate with me. I will never trust anyone again with things like this.