Relationship Realities

I have not written here in some time because I moved my blog to my website. Please go there to sign up for all new posts. There are also 27 episodes of my podcast What Healthy Couples Know That You Don’t on the podcast page. Already I have almost 33,000 downloads which means I am reaching a larger audience which has always been my goal. (All of the episodes are only 10 to 12 minutes long.)

I’ve…

Lies bury truth. Lies we tell ourselves can be especially hard to escape. This is captured by Tanya French in her remarkable new novel in “The Trespasser“. She is an author at the height of her craft, building characters a reader can care deeply about in all of their human complexity. I adored this book because it is psychologically astute about finding the truth as both difficult and important which is what I do as a therapist working with clients. I like detectives because they chase after the truth, that is most often, buried in lies just like any truly good therapist. Seeking the truth is a delicate business because we hide from it so easily. The first lies we each tell are to our parents (I remember mine, do you?), then we lie to ourselves. We all tell ourselves stories that take on a life of their own. As a therapist it’s my job to help people see the lies they tell themselves and then discover the more complex truth and how to deal with it. Truth seeking is a delicate business for both cops & therapists. I fell in love with Antoinette, the main detective character, because of how self-protective she was. So many women in real life don’t have enough self-protective energy. My initial thought in writing this review was to use it as a vehicle to inspire people about using more imagination about ways to protect themselves even while recognizing that our main character was completely overdoing it. She’s overdosed on it but I had to admire her warrior-woman self image. It reminded me of Sigorney Weaver in the 70’s and television’s Annie Oakley in the 60’s. Warrior woman inspired me while growing up in an era generally lacking that kind of respect for women. Both Elizabeth Blackwell and Eleanor Roosevelt inspired me in real life as courageous women being as heroines. Antoinette is a fighter for truth. She is even able to recognize how she has deceived herself with the stories she tells herself throughout the novel. History shows us that it much easier to perceive ourselves as victims than to recognize how we may also be perpetrators. The truth is nuanced and complicated. We all want to be heroes, we all want to be the good guy. It is looking at our own dark side that is the real stuff of heroes and heroines. By the end of the book Antoinette is peeling away the layers of the story she had been telling herself. I was doing the same thing she tells herself, getting lost so deep inside the story in my head that I couldn’t see past its walls to the outside world. It’s the outside world where someone else’s point of view is considered, that the truths they see may be real. We all love to cast blame and write our own stories as being righteous and true, we enjoy living that illusion. These are the factors that make relationships such tricky business. When we get stuck in our own story we may well lose out on an authentic relationship with another. A martyr marries an alcoholic and suffers, the alcoholic goes sober and changes their own life while the martyr continues to treat the sober alcoholic as if nothing has changed, that their own hero role continues to be holding both of their lives together. We all get stuck in stories. In therapy I challenge my clients stories as a way of getting them focused on the truths of here and now. Like Antoinette in this novel, a good therapist needs to be focused on unraveling the truths that lie under the stories we tell ourselves. The author Elizabeth Strout gives a profound analysis about truth, quoting Franz Kafka “books should take an ax to the frozen sea within us.” The Trespassers does that. In an era of false news and manipulated realities, reading about seeking the truth is more important than ever.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen Above or Read Here:

Anger Management to Grow Relationships? Episode #27

Anger is usually done badly by everyone. Rarely does anger have a quiet dignity of truth. Anger in relationships can be traumatic when witnessed by children. Anger can be ugly & deadly if soaked in alcohol or contempt. Despite all the negativity attached to anger, it is also a very important tool that says “Hey, What about Me?”

So why do so many of us use anger in destructive ways? #1. Most of us have the habit of stashing our grievances and then cashing them in, feeling very self righteous, in a gigantic dump. #2. Anger often covers up a big pile of insecurity. If I’m loud & mean you won’t see how really insecure I am. #3. We get carried away with the power of anger. “I love the certainty of anger” it feels so good. #4. It’s usually based in a very Right/Wrong frame of reference. Anger loves simplicity & doesn’t have time for complicatedness. Anger loves this is good, you are bad. #5. Never underestimate the deliciousness of Blame. Who wants to look at their part in problems when it is so much easier to Blame!?!

Blame is one of the favorite ingredients of anger. Doesn’t it feel really good to know with deep & profound certainty that the other person is to blame? Who wants the more scary business of looking at ourselves. Doing that is messy & uncomfortable, so “Who needs it?”

All of the above captures a very Black/White, 1/10, Either/Or perspective. I believe it is exactly this that contributes to the real destruction of relationships. Relationships require negotiation. Negotiations are a major foundation of relationship longevity. Negotiations can only work if you can learn to recognize the in-between of two people, the grey in between the black/white, the 4567 in between the 1/10 or the And that is missing in the Either/Or equation.

The Black/White, 1/10, Either/Or perspective offers the gigantic blessing of certainty. THIS IS HOW IT IS!! There is no messiness & the uncomfortableness of struggle gets shut down. Who wants the hard work of struggling? Certainty is always so much more attractive than uncertainty.

Remember your own adolescence? or perhaps you are enduring the adolescence of your children. I remember the 100% beliefs that I was certain about, that truly make me wince now. “Don’t trust anyone over 30” we baby boomers cried & that is laughable. Adolescents are full of fierce certainty (that you are stupid) to cover up their own painful uncertainty. Adolescents hate being confused & they love the certainty of their anger. Life is better for a Teen when they can target you to be a bullseye for all their own misery.

It is truly adolescent to stay stuck in your own point of view & not budge because of course, they are self-righteous. If you are arguing in this same way with your partner then the truth is you are still emotionally adolescent. Growing up means you can disagree & still have an understanding where someone else is coming from. Growing up means you have a bigger point of view, that you can absorb the good points someone else makes. Growing up means really listening well & considering being influenced by someone else. Growing up means you recognize you can’t always be right & it’s important to be fair. Growing up means not using anger & manipulation in order to increase your power in an already lopsided relationship.

Interrupting anger can be a difficult maneuver. Especially if you like your anger & get caught up in the power of it. Anger controls others & makes them cooperate with you even when they really don’t want to. That can be a delicious feeling that even a three year old can appreciate.

So you have to begin by interrupting your own intensity by being willing to know & understand their truth. Can you tell the other person what’s important to them & get it right? Few angry people can achieve that because it requires thinking. Anger is all about an emotional dump. You want to interrupt it with thinking. Use your Imagination to understand what is valuable about the other perspective? What is the 4,5,6 &7 about on a particular issue? When we moved to PA I had no experience of guns. Now I respect my guys who hunt & I get it matters so much it can be a family legacy.

Inject a dose of uncertainty into your anger, question your self righteousness, be curious about the other point of view & how it might have validity. I gave a technique in my earlier episode on anger How to Argue Better that couples can use. Download episode 8 to learn the 3 part technique.

A lot of parents believe they know what’s best for their adult children. While it might be hard to swallow your beliefs my rule of thumb is to express an opinion once or even not at all. It is disrespectful to dismiss the differences of your adult children & constantly poke at them with what you believe is “the correct” point of view.

Right/Wrong thinking & feeling is very dismissive of the differences & ultimately is disrespectful which contributes to enormous distance. People then may begin to tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth. It is truth & vulnerability that creates real intimacy. Disrespect feeds the distance.

The struggle in the 4,5,6 &7 means there is more room for truth in your relationship. Respect means there is room for the differences & the relationship can breathe. Respecting the middle ground means you can meet each other in the middle. When two people are in a relationship then most often there will be two ways to look at something.

LEAVE PAUSE FOR Cymbal My challenge for you today is to ask yourself to give up Blame & think instead about how to own up to your part in things. Ask yourself to interrupt the intensity of emotions and try to think through to unbury whats important to you about the argument, can you say what’s important in a more vulnerable way? Challenge yourself to consider the 4,5 & 6 in between the 1 & 10 of self righteousness.

My next episode will air in January 2017 & it is based my son in law’s request. He’s from New Zealand & He asked me to to talk about being more content with how things are. I have lots to say about that so do listen.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

Keeping it Real with Rhoda Episode #26

Authentic relationships are one of the most important parts of life. Today I’m going to cover a lot of hard truths about how to go about making relationships work. Keeping it real means more about harsh realities. I also want to share more about why I podcast.

I want to begin by mentioning David Simon because I adored all five seasons of his show The Wire as one of the most honest, artistic efforts that has ever been on television.In the summer I go to Chautauqua Institution where I listen to a lecture at 10:45 every am Monday through Friday & this summer I heard David Simon lecture. The theme for that week was Cities & true to his nature he gave an honest talk on how the drug war by the government has destroyed the relationship between the police & the inner city community. I went back stage for the meet & greet. I told him the truth that in almost 30 years of listening to lectures I have never gone backstage & I so admire how authentic he is.

We live in a world where being genuine & authentic is not valued. People lie all the time, one of my least favorite is how easy it is to say “Oh, we have to get together & have lunch sometime” & not really mean it. Why say it if you don’t mean it? It’s the same reason why Disneyland is difficult for me to visit & I’m perplexed by those who idolize it.

I believe deeply in giving people honest information for free. I love working with my ironworkers, bricklayers & guys who blew out their knees or backs by working too hard & they are so not happy their wives or girlfriends dragged them to therapy. I cuss & they get a sparkle of “maybe this won’t be so bad after all” & I love that moment.(I miss not cussing on the podcast to be real but I don’t want anything but a clean rating)

Many summers ago before I had children, I went to work with a Lakota Indian Shaman in New Mexico. He gave me a Lakota Indian name after some individual work: She Who Walks with Truth I found it remarkable how quickly he came to understand who I was. Truth became a bedrock of my existence when I was 10 years old.

That moment at 10 was pivotal in my life because facing hard truths was a step closer to dealing with reality. I became fascinated with the truth of unspoken pain & healing. It was a gift that I am eternally grateful for!

Truth matters. Truth lies in between people in relationships. No one has a corner on the market. Truth is hard to look at. Being authentic matters.

In the first session, when I introduce myself to new clients I say “In the interest of being authentic there is a mistake that many therapists can make; they can be too hand holding or too challenging and I make my mistakes in being too challenging.” I think my ownership of my own dark side to be authentic in a first session is unusual.

Relationships require a lot of growing up, a lot of facing your own dark side. I believe real love is about deciding to do the work of being a better person, to risk change, to be authentic. It is not possible to grow & be comfortable at the same time. If you embrace change you have to be willing to be uncomfortable.

Relationships demand growth from truth or resentful submission by at least one partner.. I believe those are the real options that play out over the decades. I still remember my astonishment at a guy from 1980 with back problems who slept on the couch for 25 years & that was not a reason he came to therapy.

Trust can only build on truth. All relationships start out with a lot of illusions. We fool ourselves in the beginnings of love, which is necessary to get started. Often the illusions fall apart years 6 to 10. There can be a crisis, an emotional affair, working too much to avoid going home, boredom or loss of fun as a couple etc.,etc. This crisis can become an opportunity to build a more truthful infrastructure that will last over the decades.

Building an infrastructure means work & learning hard things about what was missing in the relationship. It means taking responsibility for your contributions to the problems. It means not escaping the truth by blaming the other person for everything.

I would like to imagine that every divorced person I’ve ever worked with can describe their contribution to the problems. Of course I’ve no idea if thats true but I am fond of hoping for it.

I asked a Methodist minister recently what she thought was the reason people get divorced & she barked “Laziness”. She has an excellent point. It grieves me deeply that wedding vows are so syrupy. The vows of “for rich or for poor, in sickness & in health” is about as real as it gets. I want them to be reminded relationships require work, not just tip toeing through the tulips. Even the stellar couple on Madame Secretary went to therapy together to work on things.

I believe people get divorced because they lose respect for each other. It can be a slow, insidious, poisonous process over time or a rapid deterioration. People start to feel too casual about saying mean things to the other person or silently stash & harbor resentments. Both of these are lethal to relationships.

Everybody is wired differently, that’s why relationships are a lot of work. The truth is we will always have disagreements to solve. We have different values. Values collisions are part & parcel of every conflict. Accommodating those differences is a tricky dance in the messiness & uncertainty. We all avoid uncertainty & messiness because we hate being uncomfortable & not knowing where we are going.

In the previous episode I discussed how crucial the skill of negotiating is to healthy relationships. It’s the only way to respect the differences. The only way to soften the differences is to talk & talk & talk. Big topics like whether or not to have kids may require 75 conversations over two years because both people will flip their positions around in the uncertainty because it can be a confusing question.

The truth is in so many relationships people engage in parallel monologues instead of real dialogue. The truth is the ultimate test of respect is for both people to be open to someone else’s influence. That is the only way to achieve real dialogue. Learn how to understand someone you love even if you disagree.

The truth is a lot of emotional reacting & defensiveness is about deeply held insecurities. It is important to realize that our leap into the certainty of self righteousness is often connected to our inner doubts. When you are more secure within yourself you can tolerate disagreement, risk being open to another point of view, feel less defensive & explore different possibilities. Life is very humbling & we never stop growing & learning until the day we die.

The truth is there is never one path. There are so many ways to resolve differences. The truth is rigidity about only certain ways of doing things is NOT a sign of mental health. The truth is chaos is also not a sign of mental well being. A healthy relationship pulls you out of those extremes into the middle ground where their is greater mental health.

The truth is most solutions are often complicated in order to help both people win some. The truth is being Black or White, 1 or 10, Either/Or in your thinking or emotions will constantly get you into trouble. One of the secrets to life is the middle ground. The Grey or 4,5,6 &7, in between either/or is And. That is at the heart of making relationships work by recognizing complicatedness. It’s not either BlackLivesMatter or CopsLivesMatter it is And. Of course they both do.

I podcast because I want to influence greater numbers of people with my ideas. That is why I blog & built my website therapyideas.net to offer a way to learn. I believe life long learning has been a pillar in my life & it’s one small way to make the world a better place. I love this quote from Sara Jewett, a country doctor that I saw on a chalkboard in Maine: “It seems to me like stealing, for men & women to live in the world & do nothing to make it better.”

I podcast to offer more substance in a shallow world. I podcast to offer help to relationships because it is such a precious gift to have the last chapters of your life, knowing without doubt because of the hard work you’ve done that someone has your back.

I podcast to leave a legacy behind, after more than 40 years in a career I am lucky enough to be passionate about.

My challenge to you today: Evaluate how much truth is there in your relationship? Are there reasons not to trust each other that you haven’t been honest about? Talk with each other about your insecurities & consider how it feeds your defensiveness which interferes with real understanding of each other.

This is Keeping it Real with Rhoda. My next episode will be What Fuels Anger & Destroys Relationships?

THIS FIRST VIDEO IS ABOUT ANXIETY & THE SECOND IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

Video explains the answer to the question “What is anxiety?” This Video offers two techniques to try to manage your fears. The best thing about anxiety is that you can manage it instead of it managing you. Fears need to be backed up to make the world a bigger place.

Don’t let Fears, Worry & Anxiety control you & shrink your world. Anxiety interrupts possibilities and your ability to grow.

WATCH THIS SECOND VIDEO TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships are complicated. Learn tips to have success as a couple. Underneath communication problems are power struggles. Think about how to be a team. Try the more complicated business of how to understand someone even when you disagree.

Unspoken resentments are only one way to disconnect and create giant holes in the infrastructure of relationships. Resentments are impossible to avoid if one partner is catered to.

There are so many ways to disconnect & not enough information on how to repair relationships. This video offers advice on how to improve connections in your relationships.

Listen for more on my podcast What Healthy Couples Know That You Don’t.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

  What is the Biggest Obstacle in Relationships ?? Episode #25

Sharing Power is the biggest problem that prevents relationship survival. It is not easy for anybody to do. Everyone comes to therapy talking about COMMUNICATION problems because it sounds more bearable & ordinary. Underneath communication problems are power struggles.

Power struggles are everywhere; at work, at home with family & in friendships. Three year olds are magnificent at grabbing for power at every opportunity. Adults fight & snipe for power in all kinds of ways. Keeping secrets is another grab for power. There are so many ways to WIN both big & small: whether it’s the shopping bags that you sneak into the house, not responding to texts or calls, the financial picture that goes unshared, the undermining of one parents authority with the kids or avoiding the topic of why there is not any active sex life.

We can be loud & noisey or sly & silent about it. We can be honest & direct or manipulative. We can be selfish or too focused on catering to others.

The movie with the ugliest power struggles in a marriage is Blue Valentine. It’s painful because it’s so raw as we witness the deterioration of a marriage. He does the ugly “male male” energy, very loud & ugly while she gets caught in maintaining the victim role. Both of them contribute to their problems.

When a relationship is developing over time there can be a lot of power struggles. There are so many issues & decisions to make that it can be hard to sort out who has the best idea. While two heads are better than one, it’s also a lot more struggle.

So many relationships solve power struggles with one partner taking the lead. It’s certainly a lot easier that way. Most couples don’t really want to do the hard work of figuring out how to share power. While Feminism interrupted the habit of that solution, it absolutely did not disappear.

The problem with one person being mostly in charge is that the partner who is silent is often resentful. Unspoken resentments pile up and create terrible cracks in the foundation of relationships. Resentments are lethal to relationships & they are impossible to avoid if one partner is catered to.

Sharing power requires every couple to stop & consider how to utilize the strengths of each partner. Can you both honestly evaluate your own & each other’s strengths & weaknesses? Consider how the US, the two of you as a couple would benefit the most…..this is complicated & requires experimenting until you get it right.

The most important ingredient for a couple to share power well would be to have discussions based in a foundation of respect. Respect means you don’t have to like or be enthusiastic about the differences you have with the other person.

The second most important ingredient would be to have 25 to 75 conversations about especially difficult issues. Why? Because many, many conversations are the ONLY way to soften the differences.

The third ingredient: negotiate in the precious middle ground: the in between the two of you. This is really hard & many people have a tough time with this because it’s impossible if you just want your way. So to negotiate well you have to give up control & having what you want on your terms.

Both of you have to change your definition of winning. Winning has to be reframed as getting some of what you want & not all of it. Winning would mean you take pleasure in both your needs being met. This would be a change of perspective that is unappetizing to some.

What makes negotiation so difficult? Values collisions. Whether it is countries negotiating or people everybody believes their values are more important & whats right. This is a very closed off frame of reference. Negotiation requires being open to the other person’s values as also being important.

Values collisions are all about self righteousness & certainty. True negotiation requires uncertainty, neither of us knows where this is going to end up.

Real negotiation requires imagination about how can we meet each other in the middle.

There are so many values to negotiate. We are all brought up differently & some values we may not even be aware of until we collide.

Real negotiation requires imagination about what could be good about the other side. This is not role modeled in society or the culture at large. We are so polarized about so many issues when there is usually merit to both points of view. One of the things I really enjoy after all these years of working with couples is how easy it is to share with them the value of the in between & how they both make sense.

Both individuals have to recognize the primary importance of that third entity “THE US”. It’s not just me, I got to win it’s the US that needs to win so how can we agree that’s what matters most??? So address when one partner has a habit of catering too much & they need to ask for what they want. Address when the other person has been the one to win most often and needs to see the lopsidedness is unfair.

Negotiation is about dealing with complicatedness. It’s complicated because you must think about 2 people at the same time, not just yourself. Winning is attractive because it’s simple & more fun. Growing up is facing painful situations is one of my mantras & while it is far more difficult to consider & think about negotiation & middle ground it is also very much worth it over the long haul. If you want relationship longevity you have to be interested in learning fairness & how to negotiate in the middle ground.

Change is hard, growing up is hard, negotiation is a hard skill to learn. It is sooo much easier to just take the easy way out & win however you may go about it.

My Challenge for you today is #1. Ask yourself is there anything that interferes with your ability to respect the other person? #2. Pick a difficult issue & be committed to more than 10 conversations #3. Find the middle ground in between the 2 of you in your imagination about a sticky issue and #4. Determine the values that are colliding

I’ve spent a lot of time considering a tag line for my podcast & I’ve finally decided on “Keeping it Real with Rhoda”. So my next episode will have that title & I will talk about some basic principles of healthy relationships, ways of thinking about them with greater authenticity. I hope you’ll join me in October.

You’re keeping it real with Rhoda. Please subscribe & leave a review on iTunes, I’d love it.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

  What is the Biggest Obstacle in Relationships ?? Episode #25

Sharing Power is the biggest problem that prevents relationship survival. It is not easy for anybody to do. Everyone comes to therapy talking about COMMUNICATION problems because it sounds more bearable & ordinary. Underneath communication problems are power struggles.

Power struggles are everywhere; at work, at home with family & in friendships. Three year olds are magnificent at grabbing for power at every opportunity. Adults fight & snipe for power in all kinds of ways. Keeping secrets is another grab for power. There are so many ways to WIN both big & small: whether it’s the shopping bags that you sneak into the house, not responding to texts or calls, the financial picture that goes unshared, the undermining of one parents authority with the kids or avoiding the topic of why there is not any active sex life.

We can be loud & noisey or sly & silent about it. We can be honest & direct or manipulative. We can be selfish or too focused on catering to others.

The movie with the ugliest power struggles in a marriage is Blue Valentine. It’s painful because it’s so raw as we witness the deterioration of a marriage. He does the ugly “male male” energy, very loud & ugly while she gets caught in maintaining the victim role. Both of them contribute to their problems.

When a relationship is developing over time there can be a lot of power struggles. There are so many issues & decisions to make that it can be hard to sort out who has the best idea. While two heads are better than one, it’s also a lot more struggle.

So many relationships solve power struggles with one partner taking the lead. It’s certainly a lot easier that way. Most couples don’t really want to do the hard work of figuring out how to share power. While Feminism interrupted the habit of that solution, it absolutely did not disappear.

The problem with one person being mostly in charge is that the partner who is silent is often resentful. Unspoken resentments pile up and create terrible cracks in the foundation of relationships. Resentments are lethal to relationships & they are impossible to avoid if one partner is catered to.

Sharing power requires every couple to stop & consider how to utilize the strengths of each partner. Can you both honestly evaluate your own & each other’s strengths & weaknesses? Consider how the US, the two of you as a couple would benefit the most…..this is complicated & requires experimenting until you get it right.

The most important ingredient for a couple to share power well would be to have discussions based in a foundation of respect. Respect means you don’t have to like or be enthusiastic about the differences you have with the other person.

The second most important ingredient would be to have 25 to 75 conversations about especially difficult issues. Why? Because many, many conversations are the ONLY way to soften the differences.

The third ingredient: negotiate in the precious middle ground: the in between the two of you. This is really hard & many people have a tough time with this because it’s impossible if you just want your way. So to negotiate well you have to give up control & having what you want on your terms.

Both of you have to change your definition of winning. Winning has to be reframed as getting some of what you want & not all of it. Winning would mean you take pleasure in both your needs being met. This would be a change of perspective that is unappetizing to some.

What makes negotiation so difficult? Values collisions. Whether it is countries negotiating or people everybody believes their values are more important & whats right. This is a very closed off frame of reference. Negotiation requires being open to the other person’s values as also being important.

Values collisions are all about self righteousness & certainty. True negotiation requires uncertainty, neither of us knows where this is going to end up.

Real negotiation requires imagination about how can we meet each other in the middle.

There are so many values to negotiate. We are all brought up differently & some values we may not even be aware of until we collide.

Real negotiation requires imagination about what could be good about the other side. This is not role modeled in society or the culture at large. We are so polarized about so many issues when there is usually merit to both points of view. One of the things I really enjoy after all these years of working with couples is how easy it is to share with them the value of the in between & how they both make sense.

Both individuals have to recognize the primary importance of that third entity “THE US”. It’s not just me, I got to win it’s the US that needs to win so how can we agree that’s what matters most??? So address when one partner has a habit of catering too much & they need to ask for what they want. Address when the other person has been the one to win most often and needs to see the lopsidedness is unfair.

Negotiation is about dealing with complicatedness. It’s complicated because you must think about 2 people at the same time, not just yourself. Winning is attractive because it’s simple & more fun. Growing up is facing painful situations is one of my mantras & while it is far more difficult to consider & think about negotiation & middle ground it is also very much worth it over the long haul. If you want relationship longevity you have to be interested in learning fairness & how to negotiate in the middle ground.

Change is hard, growing up is hard, negotiation is a hard skill to learn. It is sooo much easier to just take the easy way out & win however you may go about it.

My Challenge for you today is #1. Ask yourself is there anything that interferes with your ability to respect the other person? #2. Pick a difficult issue & be committed to more than 10 conversations #3. Find the middle ground in between the 2 of you in your imagination about a sticky issue and #4. Determine the values that are colliding

I’ve spent a lot of time considering a tag line for my podcast & I’ve finally decided on “Keeping it Real with Rhoda”. So my next episode will have that title & I will talk about some basic principles of healthy relationships, ways of thinking about them with greater authenticity. I hope you’ll join me in October.

You’re keeping it real with Rhoda. Please subscribe & leave a review on iTunes, I’d love it.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

Dating Advice; What Everybody Needs to Know Episode #24

Dating is the very beginning of relationships. Dating is very hard. To keep up hope after years of trying to find the right partner can be oh, so difficult! Lots of people already in relationships have no idea how hard it can be to date. I know because I’ve listened to countless numbers of people describe their experiences.

Dating is often painful because the person who loves the least is the one who has the most power.

Dating is especially hard for those who are overly generous. People who are too easily forgiving are not paying enough attention to the warning signs that there is trouble ahead.

This is demonstrated really well in the 2014 movie Listen Up Phillip. I found myself yelling at the character Elizabeth Moss plays. She says good things like “Did you ask me here so you can talk about yourself?” “You stood in my way when I had so many opportunities.” But she only says them, she lets him get away without expressing any remorse. In the movie she gets a huge success & later admits “I couldn’t tell him anything good without him getting depressed & jealous.” She finally decides to “no longer invest in somebody who makes her feel terrible.” Congrats but honestly it took her way too long. Someone who gets jealous of your success & focuses constantly on themselves has narcissistic issues floating around which would make hanging out with them for 40 years pretty unbearable.

Why cater to lopsided relationships? Because you are lopsided yourself. So what is the opposite of being overly generous & too easily forgiving? Most people would respond Selfish. When we use that word nobody is interested in learning to be more selfish…..so that word is an obstacle to change all by itself! I like the idea that the opposite of overly generous is to become more self protective.

Self protective is a good thing. So it’s a first date & the other person has not asked you a single question about yourself. So consider saying a small truth, such as “we’ve been together for a couple of hours & you really haven’t asked me anything about me.” If they respond with concern, oh my gosh I didn’t realize it & they self correct their behavior it’s worth hanging in there. But YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO SAY A SMALL TRUTH ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE!

It takes two people to make a mistake & if you ignore the voice in your head then you are setting yourself up to be invisible. Self protective is about being real about your concerns, not swallowing disagreement. Self protective means taking the risk to say who you are & what you want. If you are invisible to yourself you will be invisible to others. It’s your job to spend more time making yourself understood instead of focusing on he other person so much. The secret to life is greater balance within.

Self protective means knowing yourself & who you are. So if you find yourself feeling like your are always in the audience & your partner is always on the stage waiting for your applause, that’s a sign it is too lopsided. If you find yourself drinking too much when you are around the other person, then there is a problem to be addressed….There are many warning signals that go ignored.

Recently, there was a a book that said women have too high expectations & another book said women settle for two little. I think both books are true, but you have to have enough self awareness to know which one of these is your problem. I had a woman once who had a list of 33 things she was looking for…..that’s never going to happen even if the stars align. Many women put up with terrible relationships or have too many expectations; both are true. Which one are you? Here’s a quote from the wonderful book City of Fire: “What he meant when he said he loved her wasn’t what she meant when she imagined being loved” Dating is a very complicated business.

Just like I’m asking you to balance being overly generous with being self protective, I’m asking you to balance too many expectations or too few. Consider looking for someone with character. People with character volunteer, try volunteering.

Consider reading Jane Austen books to think about the value of character or at least watch the movies I have listed on my Single? Dating Tips page on my website therapy ideas.net

I have listed 9 good things to watch out for like Do they say what they mean & mean what they say? thats number 1. I also have a list of 25 Bad things to watch out for…..#1on the danger list is Manipulation & Blame. How much do you allow yourself to be manipulated? Do you swallow Blame? Problems are almost always in between two people….blame is often just a simplistic power play. If the other person apologizes & also takes responsibilities for their part in the problem thats great…..you are dating a grown up. Just an empty apology & then the same bad behavior is repeated is a problem.

Problems are about patterns not occasional mistakes…..a lie can happen, it is a pattern of lies that is a big problem. An excuse that doesn’t ring true ok it can happen but a series of false excuses is a problem. One offs are forgivable, it’s the pattern of repeating without self reflection that is not something worth hanging around with for 20 years or more.

One of my messages is that the purpose of love in relationships is to teach you to be a better person. You want to be with someone who recognizes truth about bad behavior and allows you to influence them to improve. The ultimate test of respect is when you allow someone else to influence you.

It is my belief it is safer to date someone who respects you. It is safer to date someone who has self awareness. It is safer to date someone who cares enough to listen. It is safer to date someone who does not make you invisible. It is safer to date someone who is willing to learn from being with you. It is safer to date someone who doesn’t hide out in blaming you. It is safer to be with someone you don’t feel sorry for. It is safer to ask questions than to stay silent; for example one question my clients sometimes avoid (Are we sexually monogamous?)

My challenge for you today is to stop & consider whether or not you are lopsided in being too forgiving or generous? Do you need to work on being more self protective? Ask yourself how authentic is your voice when you are dating? How much do you people please others & do you balance this by knowing your own wants. If people pleasing is a problem then buy Harriet Braiker’s book The Disease to Please. Evaluate your boundaries, how good are they? If boundaries are a problem buy Ann Katherine’s book Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

Relationship survival is something people should be able to learn more about in College. It’s one of the best parts of life, yet it is a mystery to most people. What is the primary secret to success? The more reality you face together, the better off you will be over the long haul.

Reality matters in relationships. Trust builds on truth and truth is about reality. When parents of teenagers come in complaining about their relationships I often send them back home with a question for their Teens “Tell me 3 ways I could be a better parent”. If the teen is willing to be real & if the parent can hear the truth & follow through with the teen’s requests an improved reality can begin. I’m flipping the power position from the parent to the teen because their reality often goes unexamined & unexpressed.

Reality can make a big difference. Reality can only be in between 2 people. Thats because no one person has a corner on the market. When 2 people are arguing in couples I take the middle path in between both of them because that is the most probable path for truth.

Last years terrific movie The Big Short was all about the price ordinary people paid because the banking industry & the government were not paying any attention to the reality of mortgage lending practices. The handful of investors who looked at the reality made a huge profit when the mortgage bubbled burst in 2008.

Reality is the infrastructure of our lives. Genuine moments of truth is the infrastructure that reality can create, a powerful legacy in a relationship. It’s like the 446 bridges in Pittsburgh where we have 3 more than the city of Venice & the most in the world. While infrastructure isn’t sexy it is crucial.

If you have a trustworthy partner then the two of you can work at facing reality together: a miscarriage, 3 miscarriages, death of a parent, death of a child, cancer & aging. All the hard things life has to throw at all of us.

It also means listening to each other’s feedback even when you don’t want to. If your knees hurt maybe we need to get serious about losing weight. I think you owe me an apology. Are you sure your Boss was being disrespectful to you….etc. Listening to another point of view without being defensive can be a precious gift…… because it is a gift that can help you grow……you can only grow when you are uncomfortable.

Think about that…..excellent partners can help us grow by honestly facing painful situations.

It’s all too easy to feel sorry for ourselves, to get defensive to only want positive feedback & support. We all like to play the victim, give me sympathy or shut up is what we really desire. However to grow up & change means to learn the truth of who we are and think about how to work to improve ourselves.

Lets look at 3 scenarios: A young relationship where your partner is talking about marriage & deep down you know you are not ready yet….saying nothing to avoid being uncomfortable is cowardly. Your partner deserves the reality of the truth if you really love them.

A middle aged relationship might be a couple where one realizes they don’t have fun anymore….if you keep pretending this doesn’t matter, & dodge talking about it you will end up resentful. It’s way better to address the reality & problem solve it together.

An older couple might have dwindled into times or less a year which is considered nonsexual according to Barry McCarthy. Avoid sex at your peril, it’s sad to give up on one of the lovely free benefits of life. Who signs up to be celibate without any discussion???

All of these are situations where some one or both in the relationship decide to avoid & deflect. Reality matters! Avoiding contributes to emotional distance. Intimacy & connection require the reality of talking about hard things. Let me say that again: Intimacy & connection require the reality of talking about hard things.

Often, every step of avoiding is a step of emotional distance. The more courage you have to talk about reality the more you will make real contact, connection & step toward each other. “We are spending beyond our means we need to both look at our parts in it & problem solve what to do” is a better approach than silently fuming & then dumping “OMG did you see the credit card bill, what are you doing”

Reality is part of learning how to be a better person in the world. Thats the true gift of love a reality check that helps you grow, I believe that is the purpose of relationships.

So many couples come in talking about communication problems. I think the reality that underlies communication problems are power struggles. Sharing power is complicated. Everybody wants power….everybody wants to be understood…..everybody wants to be seen, nobody wants to be invisible. I’m reading The Girls by Emily Cline & it is very painful to read of 14 yr. old Evie’s experiences. She is invisible, lost, unknown & powerless (her parents divorce is happening to her).

The reality of needing to see each other accurately, to make ourselves understood & to do the work of understanding and to share power in the complicated way it deserves in a relationship are goals worth striving for…..You are faster on the computer why don’t you plan our traveling, I’m better at aesthetics so let me pick the paint color…..play to the reality of your strengths & you will be several steps closer to relationship survival.

My challenge for you today: Draw a circle & divide up the circle into pie shapes about who has the power over what in your relationship…..Money, Kids, Fun, Vacations & who ever wants sex the least has the most power. Consider what’s missing in your relationship and when was the last time you talked about it…..or ask your partner what is missing for them & call it a reality check. Make a reality check a yearly habit.

Really glad you visited my podcast today. I hope you will take time to leave a review on iTunes & subscribe.

Quotes can be a source of help in relationships. Quotes can inspire people to think and feel in fresh ways about important problems.

Relationships are a dance in the messiness of life. We can all use more guideposts along the way.

This page is intended to be a breath of fresh air into old stuck ways of thinking and feeling. For example, never go to bed angry is terrible relationship advice. Arguing long into the night only makes things ugly. Wake up fresh & revisit the topic, I guarantee a greater possibility of success in problem solving.

Everyone arrives in my office describing themselves as having communication problems. There is a safety in starting there, which I completely understand, we all have to begin somewhere. However communication problems are really power struggles.

Everybody has power struggles. When someone over reacts it’s a power play to stop the dialogue. They want to monologue and win. These are the kinds of things I hope you will begin to think about to achieve greater success.

My quotes are reproduced here from pictures I have taken and added words to for instagram and twitter. You can find me and follow me on both @rhodaoncouples. I’m all about YOU learning about relationship survival here.

Thanks for taking time to visit & you might want to listen to my podcast What Healthy Couples Know That You Don’t

“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” –Bob Marley

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Jung

“It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them.” –Anthony Storr

“Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling. “-Joyce Brothers

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” – William James

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” — Epicurus

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” — Henry Winkler

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” — James Baldwin

“When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships. “- Andy Warhol

“The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.” – Robert Anthony

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” — Oprah Winfrey

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” — Carl Jung.

“Be honest, brutally honest. That is what’s going to maintain relationships.” –Lauryn Hill

“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.”– Leo F. Buscaglia

“Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.”-Hugh Mackay

“So many people prefer to live in drama because it’s comfortable. It’s like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship – it’s actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.” –Ellen DeGeneres.

“In a relationship you have to open yourself up.” –Neil LaBute

“A relationship requires a lot of work and commitment.” –Greta Scacchi

“Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home… it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it.” –Chuck Palahniuk

“People change and forget to tell each other.” –Lillian Hellman

“Remember that no relationship is a total waste of time. You can always learn something about yourself.” –H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.” –Joseph Campbell

“I learnt to stop fantasizing about the perfect job or the perfect relationship because that can actually be an excuse for not living.” –Alain de Botton

“People – not just in their teenage years – hold on to this fantasy of love when they’re not ready to have a real relationship.” –Keri Russell

“I tend to believe, when you’re in a relationship, if you don’t fight, it’s not a real relationship. You have to have arguments and tensions, otherwise I don’t believe it.”- Richard LaGravenese

“What will support any relationship is clear, complete and conscious conversations when upsets or breakdowns occur.” –Iyanla Vanzant

“What defines a relationship is the work that’s involved to maintain it, and it’s constantly changing.”- Neil Patrick Harris

“The greatest mistake we humans make in our relationships; We listen half, understand quarter, think zero, and react double.” -– Unknown

“No relationship is ever a waste of your time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want.”-Unknown

“”I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother.” -– Martha Gellhorn

“You will never be good enough for the wrong person.”- Stephan Labossiere

“A relationship with no arguments is a relationship with a lot of secrets.”- Unknown

What You’ve Been Missing

  So periodically I write a post to say I’ve moved my blog to my website: therapyideas.net  People keep subscribing to this the old site & I feel responsible to let you all know I’m not publishing new stuff here…. So you’re missing out on my most recent blog post: Passivity, Anxiety’s Evil Twin where I expose the problem of passivity. If you read it on the website you will learn why it’s…

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

Think about all the couples you know, HOW many actually are a team. Lots of couples settle for being a business, the focus of their arrangement is to raise the kids, then get divorced or fall into apathy. Not many evolve into being a team which requires work, sacrifice & respect for the differences.

Couples have to evolve over time. Evolving as a team means that the two of you together solve the puzzle of your strengths & weaknesses & how they can work together. For example, when one of my kids would create a reason for not going to school I would tell them, “I’m the stoic one who says if there is no vomit, no blood, or bones sticking out then go to school OR go see your Dad because he’s better at careful & he’s better at assessing physical complaints.” This also laid the groundwork for them to make distinctions about strengths & weaknesses in relationships because it’s never too early to learn to think about differences in a relationship without being critical.

A soccer team puts players in positions that play to their strengths so the team can win. When there is respect about both people you can learn how to play to help both of you be successful. You are willing to take risks because you have each others backs. I turned down grad school because I got a great opportunity to work with women in prison & jail. It was wonderful to know that my husband supported whatever decision I made.

Too many people want a clone so they can erase the differences which I discussed at length in episode #17.

Stop & ask yourself if you’ve ever undermined your partner in front of the kids or to friends or to your parents? I think this is an all too common occurrence. A pattern of complaining easily to others is evidence that you are not a team.

Instead of being so easily annoyed by the differences, first you have to learn: to be aware of strengths of the differences not just the weaknesses & second & most importantly accept the downside as part of the package as a whole. . Acceptance is the opposite polarity of anger. It’s so easy to stay angry & resentful. Of course acceptance is easier said than done, but it helps if you take time to inventory your own strengths & consider the downsides of each. Everything carries both sides, the good & the bad. When my husbands obliviousness drove me crazy I stopped to consider that obliviousness can be like wearing a raincoat in a storm which would be lovely.

So imagine this relationship: You may be a tornado of energy, the other person is a tranquil lake. You are the active doer & they are better at being. How do you let those differences work together instead of erasing them is key to relationship survival. Down to your toes you need to accept the work of putting together 2 opposite things without trying to erase one of them.

When you are a team you have each other’s back. My husband really does not know what the work of podcasting entails. I also do not “test” him by waiting to see if he asks me about my podcast statistics. I tell him about my stats because his listening to the stats is enough & he does not have to ask me. He also sends me links to articles about podcasting that he thinks might be of interest. I don’t focus on what he doesn’t do.

Silent tests are easily failed because there is no communication to help the other person understand. It is your job to make yourself understood not wait to see if the other person can guess right because that would prove their love.

Expectations of what partners should be doing, can so easily destroy any efforts at team building.

We all start out with a lot of LOVE Fantasies & illusions about each other. Being a team means dealing with the reality of who we each are, not who we wish they were.

All pairs, even the most compatible are made up of two individuals who are wired differently. It took me years to understand my mother in law was very much driven by shoulds, while they were not very important to me. If I had recognized that was our big values collision I think I would not have stayed so distant. With my daughter I recognized much more quickly that my being so practical could drive her up the wall and I worked at being more accepting of what was Important to her that was simply not practical.

Being a team requires acceptance & respect of values differences in your relationship.

You take turns supporting what both decide is important. Learning may be crucial to one person & they are supported to go to graduate school & sacrifices are made. The other person may want a second kid while the other partner loves the easier management of one child; one will have to sacrifice what they want. One person always wants to vacation with their blood family & with only two weeks off a year that person has to play fair and figure out travel with both families etc, etc, etc, etc….

Being a team means you make sacrifices for each other. One person is not in charge.

Love does not mean swimming in a sea of constant agreement. Being a team means being able to disagree respectfully with each other. If one person is silent because they are afraid of the other person’s sensitivity, stop & consider that the sensitivity can be a way to manipulate in order to achieve constant agreement. When you agree with me then I feel loved is B.S.

Being a team ultimately means BOTH people’s needs are addressed. Constant demands & catering to one person is a problem.

Being a team means BOTH people matter.

Accurately seeing your partner without blame is part of being a team. Money worries may be a real stress trigger for one person who may over react, the other partner has great confidence things will work out. So its important to understand that the stress may have contributed to a bad interaction instead of getting defensive & making things worse.

Another example of accurately seeing your partner might mean recognizing that communication & intimacy is foreplay in the hours prior to sex & understanding that makes sex work better for your partner, even though you feel closer after having sex first. So you decide I will make more of an effort to meet your needs because I get that you are not wired like me.

Being a team means accurately & actively pay attention to how you are wired differently.

& last but not least; Being a team means being more interested in REPAIR than in being right or winning.

You are willing to figure out how to negotiate in a relationship, in how to meet each other half way. Power is not as important as turning towards each other. Are you willing to make amends, to take responsibility when you want too much and to extend an olive branch to the other person.

My challenge to you today is to ask yourself: Are you clear about how your strengths & weaknesses work together. Consider writing a few things down, asking your partner to do the same & have a discussion. Think about how you wish your partner would get you or see you more accurately, ask them to do the same & discuss. When was the last time you made a sacrifice for your partner & vice/versa? What silent expectations do you carry that may have ripened into resentments? Do you have each other’s back? Have you evolved over time into a team or are you stagnant? Do you consider repair a top priority?

My next episode will be on one of the best gifts that relationships offer; It takes two people to create reality together.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player above or read here:

What makes relationships so much work?? Small things like you impulsively cross the street & he is careful & waits for the crosswalk permission. Or BIG things like you are pro-choice & he is against abortion. Navigating the differences and maintaining respect is the problem. It’s the same problems countries have: the protestants & catholics in 1980’s Belfast, Ireland or the Shia & Sunni differences in present day Iraq.

Relationships are a dance between two people in the messiness of life. We all adore the beginnings of relationships when there is the certainty of both people being in love. Certainty erases our fears, we can leap into the unknown a whole lot easier with a giant YES! Yes, we feel the same. Yes we both agree this journey of love is worth it. Yes we are drunk with just how easy it all is. We idealize each other & are not yet annoyed by the differences on a regular basis

When You Are Annoyed with Your Partner:

What can help with the annoyances when they do arrive? You have to learn to respect you are inherently different people when that first stage of love & idealization wears off. Ultimately the goal is to learn to accept the differences,to let the differences sit quietly next to each other.

Apparently that’s what James Carville the democratic consultant for Clinton’s 1992 election campaign & Mary Matalin who ran George W. Bush’s 1992 campaign are able to do because they are still married to each other.

Lets take another common example: He felt lonely & had an emotional affair, She still finds it hard to move on after 3 months of genuine remorse on his part. He can’t drag her into forgiveness & She can’t leap into forgiveness, and remain authentic. So the messiness of recognizing the truth that you are both in different places and allowing that pain to be bearable is the hard work.

So many couples hold hands & leap into pretending it’s all ok & over when clearly that is false. Couples avoid talking about hard truths at their peril because then it is a house of cards waiting to collapse. You have an opportunity to use crisis to build a more solid infrastructure. Premature forgiveness amounts to pretending it will all go away.

Acceptance of the Differences:

Accepting the truth of how you are different also leads to having a more interesting life. It’s why having two kids is so much fun, because of how different they are.

Acceptance of the differences means you can negotiate with each other, be more honest & this will lead to respect. The 3 building blocks of the healthy triangle for couples I mentioned in the last episode about O.J & Drama. The more time you spend in the healthy triangle the more likely you are to be the best person you can be, which in my mind is the whole point of marriage & partnership.

Consistently swallowing the differences so you can go along, to get along is a very different direction, this is what feeds the collapse of relationships. I’m amazed how many husbands tell me they are afraid of their wives, so they don’t tell the truth. They prize avoiding conflict because of people pleasing & wanting to be liked. You can’t grow up unless you are willing to be uncomfortable.

Relationships are messy, like riding bumper cars at an amusement park. We all bump into each other & sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s hurtful & sometimes it’s a jolt that shakes our world. Unhappy marriages, relationship difficulties are all about respectful, honest communication in marriage about the differences.

The 2015 French movie 45 Years is only one example of the messiness. They appear happy & are celebrating, then a secret blows up their world. It’s a subtle, careful movie that reveals great depth. It’s also very sad how little they really shared with each other about really important things.Relationships require work & messiness; instead of secrets that create divides as big as the Grand Canyon.

Think of a dance where you don’t always know the steps but if you practice accepting the differences with respect & honesty you will negotiate a real future based on substance.

You have a choice to face things & grow or stagnate. The more practice you give truth the more likely your relationship will survive all the differences.

My Challenge:

So my challenge to you today is to think about the differences that bug you. Make an honest list: they are fill in the blank & You are fill in the blank. Go back & forth between the two of you taking into account the differences. How might you be more respectful? Think more seriously about how to negotiate with more respect.

My next episode will be about How to go about being more of a team. Hey, do me a favor & take time to write a review or send a link to your friends or post it on Facebook. I would really appreciate you spreading the word.

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player Above or Read Here:

Does it bother anyone else that Nicole & Ron, the real victims were erased 20 years ago?? In the excellent television version People v. OJ: American Crime Story on FX we get more than we did 20 years ago, a glimpse of Nicole’s dead body in blood & Ron Goldman’s upset Father. Drama in all relationships suffocates truth & reality. (Just think back to high school…)

Nicole is effectively erased by everyone but Marcia Clark. She is invisible just as Marcia Clark becomes buried by the drama of OJ’s lawyers successfully making OJ the victim. She is invisible as a credible lawyer as the media focus on her perm demonstrates. (By the way, 20 years ago lots of working mothers had perms because it made life easier.)

Twenty years ago, I thought the brilliance of the dream team attorneys was all about flipping OJ from being the persecutor who did wrong into being the blameless victim and then asking the jury to rescue him which they did.

THE Drama Triangle:

So let me explain the game called The Karpman Drama Triangle as I learned it in the 1970’s from Transactional Analysis. Remember I’m OK You’re OK by Eric Berne that was T.A. Picture a triangle and label each corner with Victim Rescuer & Persecutor.

Manipulation is the core of the drama triangle. This game creates confusion and upset, not solutions or a path to truth. Many ordinary couples play this game & we can play it, even within ourselves. The object of the game is to flip roles around to get what you want & erase the other person. Here is just one example: So one partner accuses the other of having an affair, “How dare you accuse me!” turns the accuser into the persecutor & there is no honest dialogue about what is really going on.

Playing Victim, Rescuer has become a powerful cultural pastime in manipulation. It is at the core of all the repetitious plots of soap operas. As a celebrity culture we adore drama & we love avoiding & deflecting. Who wants to be uncomfortable & face hard truths?? We prefer to lie to ourselves than face up to painful situations.

We watch Robert Kardashian listen to the 911 tapes & pretend it doesn’t matter because of his misplaced loyalty as a Rescuer. His denial of the blood evidence is the foreshadowing of what the jury will do.

Denial is the most powerful force in the universe. My evidence for this is The 2008 Bank & Wall street housing crash as depicted in the delightful movie The Big Short, this all about how pervasive denial is. So the Banks who were the perpetrators of vast amounts of fraudulent mortgages became the victims instead of american taxpayers and the government rescued them financially & no one went to jail. The game is played everywhere including election campaigns.

Manipulation:

Manipulation & drama is all about power & winning. O.J. was used to winning. His lawyers were used to winning. The desire for power & winning fills the empty holes inside of insecure egos. Several times O.J. is described as charming. Jane Austen knew in the early 1800’s that charm often hides dangerous men, this was a theme in Mansfield Park.

Manipulation is all about blame and never taking any responsibility. Manipulation is usually extremely self-absorbed. Often in couples both people are jumping around in all 3 roles, especially if the game is played over the years. An example of this would be where one person stays with someone they have not really forgiven. Bitterness can be one way to punish & manipulate someone else who has hurt you.

So I have another triangle to offer as a way to dig yourself out of the drama. Drama is ultimately a boring way to spend your energy in this life. So once again, picture a triangle and label each corner 1. Honesty (fearlessly face hard truths in order to grow), 2. Maintain Respect for both yourself & others and 3. Negotiate, make agreements that work for both of you.

Find a partner who spends most of their time in this second triangle & you will last decades.

Find a partner who runs around the drama triangle & you will swell with pride in the rescuer role, feel very pitiful in the victim role & vent your frustration in the persecutor role. You will go round & round & round………………..just like the drama you thought you left behind when you graduated from high school.

When I teach the Drama Triangle to other therapists in workshops at the University of Pittsburgh I show a movie clip from Shattered Glass. Made in 2003 it is the true story of Stephen Glass who fabricated 27 of 41 articles at The New Republic. There are 5 other movies listed on my website therapy ideas.net that demonstrate the Victim, Rescuer & Persecutor roles.

My Challenge:

My challenge for you today is to ask yourself do you blame or are you able to make I statements? Blame is manipulative. Do you feel sorry for your partner or do you feel you know better than they do what’s best for them? That would lack respect. How honest are you able to be about what’s missing from your relationship? How often do you try to problem solve & meet the other person in the middle or…do you just want your way?

Please let others know about my podcast & help me get the word out! I really appreciate you listening today & I hope you will return!

  Share the Love & Spread the Word

PLEASE Tweet or SHARE on Facebook (sooooo helpful) Subscribe on iTunes: HERE

or Sticher: (HERE for androids)   & please leave a review. THANKS!!!!!

After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

Listen on the player Above or Read Here: Episode #18 Relationships Require Vulnerability

We all create facades because we want people to like us. That’s one of the things that makes dating so difficult. Underneath the facade is a lot more substance. It’s exactly the underneath part that we need to know more about to head towards building a relationship worth a lifetime of commitment.

So what do I mean by substance? Being able to say I’m sorry. Taking responsibility when you mistreat someone else instead of making excuses. When you’ve owned your dark side, you don’t play past it & pretend it’s not there. You are able to sacrifice for someone else & to appreciate when someone else makes a sacrifice for you. Substance is about growing more character.

Character begins with more truth telling. I feel awkward….are words that you learn to say to someone you love. Vulnerability begins by sharing the beginnings of being awkward & uncomfortable. The chief ingredient of growth is uncertainty, the facade is all about coming across with certainty. If you want to grow your intimacy with someone else you must be awkward, uncertain & uncomfortable.

Our culture is all about facades: showing off wealth, being skinny enough, dressed well enough or how happy our pictures are on Facebook. So risking vulnerability with someone else is daunting. Vulnerability is not valued in the culture at large. So it is ordinary for there to be a breakup without any honest explanation beyond we’re different, we grew apart. Usually the one who breaks up is quick to tell everyone else all the gory details with lots of blame for the other person without taking any honest assessment of themselves.

So try being more honest about your problems, fears or doubts with the person you love the most. Let them know who you really are underneath the facade of people pleasing.

Vulnerability is about taking risks. Sharing & not knowing whether or not you will be judged as unworthy.

The 2001 treasure of a movie Monsoon Wedding captures exactly this theme of truth & vulnerability. It is a movie that captures your heart with what real love is all about. Watch how the heroine struggles with her need to tell the awful truth to the groom. I hope you will take time to rent it on amazon or netflix because keeping secrets destroys trust.

There are all kinds of movies with the opposite theme. So many spouses on film keep secrets from their partners, though it rarely bodes well for the future. To name just one there is the 2001 French movie, Time Out, about a husband who does not tell his wife or friends that he has lost his job.

Keeping secrets about jobs, money, “friendships” that are deep connections or emotional affairs begins with suspiciousness about things not adding up & progresses into destruction of trust.

If it is particularly hard for you to be vulnerable with someone you love there are at least 2 possibilities why it might be hard. The first are those who have suffered from real trauma. It’s important for a soldier to not be vulnerable in battle, and they can find it hard to reverse that process when they return to their family. Someone who is sexually abused by a relative may easily reach the survival conclusion to build walls.

Trauma requires help & the hard work of therapy. Therapy is a place to begin to practice vulnerability.

The second reason it might be hard to be vulnerable is for those who have solved their anxiety problems by being a perfectionist. Perfectionists will not be vulnerable because it would undermine all their hard work to do everything right. Perfectionists have a tough time sharing or being exposed in any way besides together. Vulnerability requires being out of control, not knowing what will happen. If you are perfectionistic watch the 2 videos on the bottom of my perfectionism page on therapy ideas.net.

My suggestion is that you practice greater vulnerability with the people you love the most. When my kids were small I wanted to build trust & would apologize when I made a mistake. Honesty about your own mistakes builds trust with kids, instead of hiding behind the thin veneer of “I’m the adult, I know best.” While that may often be true, it is certainly not always true.

The take away today is to think about the people you trust the most & feel closest to; they are the people you can be the most real with. A teacher told me about the lovely honest valentine she got from a student “You are my second favorite teacher”…..truth is the path to vulnerability. Share your dark side, be real about it and you will begin to grow.

My challenge to you today is to ask yourself when was the last time you shared something you were ashamed of? Do you have any secrets from the one you love most? Is that something you can begin by imagining sharing? Be honest with yourself, that while you may believe you can predict what will happen but you are really stepping into uncertainty. Ask yourself how often do you present your partner with a “christmas letter viewpoint of the day” instead of sharing the part that was hard?

Anxiety is about letting fear drive the train. Fear thrives on passivity. I was inspired to write this because I have so many clients who wait for things to come to them instead of going after what they want.

“Uncle Bob knows somebody who can get me a job” and they will passively let time pass because it’s a whole lot easier than dealing with strangers to job hunt. Passivity loves apathy if you don’t care then waiting just doesn’t matter. It’s easier to be apathetic then to face your fears.

Anxious people often squelch their own wants because it’s easier than fighting for something that matters.

Anxious people that have a passion are the lucky ones because they care so much they don’t suffocate their wants. Passion carries the lucky ones through the tough beginnings of anything new. Beginnings are always the hardest part because it’s awkward & easy to feel stupid because we don’t know enough.

So fighting your fears by caring enough to go after something is one way to combat anxiety. Perhaps start with something that you used to enjoy in childhood. Start small. Push through your social anxiety & find a meet up group that shares an interest you have, they have a group for everything.

Since medieval times they have been saying “Fortune Favors the Bold” which I believe to be true. So being willing to fail miserably, to make mistakes as everyone does at the beginning of something new and reducing your expectations of results is all very helpful to stepping into the unknown.

Passivity is easier. Indulging your own fears as reality is easier than finding out what will happen. Deciding it’s not worth it is easier. You have to change some inside personal myths. You have to find courage. You have to take action. You have to decide something is worth it.

It’s why I love the 1996 movie Heavy. A movie about an obese, anxious man who had been in a codependent relationship with his mother. His world has become strangled by his fear. It clearly demonstrates how it is possible to make your world bigger, no matter how scary a proposition that may be. The crisis of his mother’s death becomes an important opportunity to grow.

You can not grow without being uncomfortable is a constant refrain on my website, in my blog & podcast. It is so important to accept this as a reality. It’s why helicopter moms do their children a disservice when they erase the experience of discomfort.

Reality is about being uncomfortable. Try disagreeing with a friend or telling a truth to a partner. The more time you put into avoiding & deflecting the harder it will be.

So fight your inclination towards passivity if you have anxiety. Speak up to that boss after you are off probation, bump back someone you care about, try to let someone else know something that matters to you.

Decide that Trying matters more than Passivity & the “safety” of apathy.

Best Books for Self Help

Self-Help books that are treasures. Consider this list of best books as curated over time. Self-help books to improve relationships, loneliness, recovery, anxiety, eating,managing emotions,depression etc.

Workbook Help With Loneliness

Leaving Loneliness: A Workbook: Building Relationships with Yourself and Others by David Narang Ph.D.

  Help With Anxiety:

Embracing Uncertaintyby Susan Jeffers

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook 6th Editionby Edmund Bourne PhD

  Help With Depression:

The Depression Workbook: A Guide for Living with Depression and Manic Depressionby Mary Ellen Copeland

I Don’t Want to Talk About it: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depressionby Terrence Real

  Help to Manage Emotions

Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life by Scott E. Spradlin

  Help With Eating

Feeding the hungry heart by Geneen Roth

  Mindless Eating:Why We Eat More than We Thinkby Brian Wansink Ph.D

  Best Books for Relationship Help

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

  The New Rules of Marriageby Terrence Real

  Intimacy and Desire:Awaken the Passion in Your Relationshipby David Schnarch

  We Love Each Other, but… Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Lastby Dr. Ellen F. Wachtel

  Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Editionby Harville Hendrix Helps husbands and wives understand what strengths and weaknesses they bring to their marriage from childhood. Includes a great vision exercise to help couples learn to think down the road.

  Two Books by Lonnie Barbach to improve your sex life:

For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality

  For Each Other

  Help with Affairs/Infidelity

NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass

  After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition by Janis A. Spring

  Help With Anger

Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life by Thomas J. Harbin, Ph. D.

  The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationshipsby Harriet Lerner This book is the one most often positively mentioned by women who begin it in my waiting room and then go out to purchase it. Really very useful!

  Help With Boundaries

Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Dayby Anne Katherine A small easy-to-read book. If you are feeling intruded upon by people who love you and aren’t sure how to push back, this is the book for you.

  Offers REAL Help with Parenting

Parenting From the Inside Outby Daniel Siegal MD & Mary Hartzell Terrific book by a neuro-psychiatrist and a day care director.

  Healing From Trauma

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–from Domestic Abuse to Political Terrorby Judith Herman M.D. This was a groundbreaking book in 1992 & it is crucial to understanding trauma. Trauma leaves a number of survival conclusions that were self protective in the past & may interfere with trust & connection in the present.

  Books on Recovery from Drinking

Any Bookby Dr. Abraham Twerski He is my favorite author on Addictions!

  Drinking: A Love Storyby Caroline Knapp Terrific writing on the damage of alcohol.

  A Drinking Life: A Memoirby Pete Hammill A truthful personal history.

  Sober for Good: New Solutions for Drinking Problems — Advice from Those Who Have Succeededby Anne Fletcher Based on interviews with 222 people.

  First Year Sobriety: When All That Changes Is Everythingby Guy Kettlehack A survival guide.

  Best Books for Self-Esteem

Why Can’t I Ever Be Good Enough? Escaping the Limits of Your Childhood Roles by Joan Rubin-Deutsch I just bought it used for 1 penny & shipping

  The Power of One: A Novelby Bryce Courtenay A tale of South Africa, boxing, being bullied and the triumph of the human spirit.

  A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Womanby Joan Anderson This is the perfect book for those who are trapped in being Too Little. The subtitle says it all: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman.

  Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniquesby Melanie Fennel Ph.D.

  Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Outby Phil McGraw

  Book to Help with Narcissistic Parents

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parentsby Nina Brown

  Best Books on Solitude & Loneliness

Are You Somebody?: The Accidental Memoir of a Dublin Womanby Nuala O’Faolain

  Falling Slowlyby Anita Brookner Anita Brookner “brilliantly evokes the origins, nature and consequences of human isolation and regret over chances not taken.

  Solitude: A Return to the Selfby Anthony Storr

  The Stations of Solitudeby Alice Koller

  Lonely: A Memoirby Emily White