Rhinestone Respect

Before my faith.exe program suddenly crashed, I was doing everything I could think of to keep it running. I knew the church had to be true, and I knew it wasn’t working for me, so I knew there had to be something I needed to change so I could make it work, because it had to work.

When I was 19 my faith finally shut off. Without my permission seemingly all at once I didn’t believe any more. And I couldn’t believe again if I wanted to. Some part of my brain working on the problem without me finally saw the magic trick and it didn’t matter what I wanted to believe anymore, because I couldn’t undo what I knew. And what I knew was that actually it didn’t make any sense and it couldn’t be made to make sense.

A few years later, the church changed mission ages from 19 and 21 to 18 and 19.

And I was like, oh no. Because I am absolutely positive if that had been the case when I was that age, while I was in a furor trying to make the the church work for me, I would’ve absolutely signed up for a mission. In an attempt to get closer to god, to the truth, to inner peace, I would’ve tacked all my hopes in this mission to bring me absolute faith. There’s no way I wouldn’t have jumped at the opportunity.

I don’t know what would’ve happened in that timeline. Maybe I would’ve gotten my endowment and immediately been like “actually, I can’t.” Maybe I would’ve made it to the MTC, but given up before the mission proper. Or maybe I would’ve gone on the mission, married a Mormon man, had Mormon babies, and perpetuated the cycle. I don’t know.

But I do know, whether it only would’ve extended my loyalty to the church by a few months or by years or by my whole life, I would’ve stayed longer. They would’ve retained me by forcing a commitment out of me when I was just barely out of high school.

Now imagine if all that social pressure was also funded by taxpayers and proudly displayed on mainstream tv and film.

I keep seeing people try to dismiss my sympathy and advocacy for veterans by saying “Actually, most recruits aren’t lower class they’re middle class! And actually the greatest predictor of who is recruited is whether their family is also in the military!” As some kind of “gotcha”. And I’m just like.

I mean.

Yeah.

The military is a cult.

Most cults get most of their members by retaining the children of existing members and raising them in the cult. The greatest predictor of whether you will be in a cult is if your parents are.

Stuff about vulnerable populations and poverty only apply to converts. You don’t have to wait for people to be desperate and impressionable if you can get them when they’re kids.

I hadn’t figured out my way out of my cult when I was 18. If I had been expected or encouraged to sign a contract of commitment, I would have. And if breaking that contract was a federal crime? All the more reason not to question it, to protect myself from the repercussions of the answers.

“They’re not victims, they’re just military brats copying their parents” is not the gotcha you think it is.

I can, in fact, still feel sympathy for them, and outrage on their behalf.