can we talk more about avpd being a (proposed) schizospec disorder? because i almost never see that theory talked about but i wish it was. likeβ¦
avpd makes me censor my thoughts because i think someone might hear what iβm thinking and see what a horrible person i am on the inside or judge me for thinking embarrassing things.
avpd makes me so afraid of someone walking in on me doing something i Shouldnβt Be Doing that my brain twists background noise into the sounds of whispers and footsteps behind me.
avpd makes me so worried about people staring at me that in my peripheral vision, anyone near me looks like theyβre already staring at me, and itβs only when i look at them directly that i realize theyβve been looking in a totally different direction the whole time.
avpd makes me so convinced of how much everyone must secretly hate me that i often start thinking everyone secretly wants to hurt me too, to the point where iβve had panic attacks from a person walking too close behind me because i feel like theyβre getting ready to attack me (when i havenβt had any kind of trauma that would create that fear), and the paranoia just serves to reinforce my need to avoid people.
avpd makes me lose my ability to speak or reduces it to nothing more than one word answers only when spoken to, turning the thoughts i wanted to express into a jumble thatβs impossible to turn into words or just throwing them away completely and making my mind go blank, so i end up just staring at people silently or even acting like i donβt see them standing there at all (not on purpose but because my brain wonβt let me engage with them).
avpd makes me look damn near emotionless around everyone but my safe person (and sometimes even around my safe person) because showing my emotions would be far too vulnerable for its liking, so it completely takes away my ability to express them.
and i could keep going! there are so many things i experience because of avpd that iβve seen really closely reflected in the experiences of schizospec people. i donβt know how common these kinds of things are in avpd overall, but theyβre a really prominent part of my experience with it, so when i found out that some research suggested it could be considered a schizospec disorder itself, that made so much sense to me! and iβd be so curious to see how many other avoidants have dealt with this stuff but havenβt talked about it because itβs never mentioned as being part of avpd.
areudirty
titsay
snowghoul
