THE THIN WOMAN

On the one hand you have discussions about women's empowerment and you recognize the sexism that public figures like Hillary Clinton face on a regular and pervasive basis, and on the other, on top of the fact that women aren't able to age peacefully in our culture and are pressured to have accomplished certain things in their life and be wrinkle-free and fit lest they're assumed to not have taken 'enough' care of their bodies, you want to talk until you're blue in the face about how white women age like shit. So which is it? Cause I'm fucking tired of people championing certain attitudes at the expense of women, regardless of who it is, to make a point.

When you start thinking that maybe you want this person to ruin your life forever.

Since hardly anyone pays attention to my tumblr anymore maybe I can get off my chest that for the past two weeks all I've literally been thinking about is being choked, rough anal, and eating my nonexistent man's ass.

When you think about how unlikely it was for you to meet the person you formed a connection with, a connection that you've never quite felt with anyone else before and probably won't again, because of space and geological time and circumstances of birth and they still choose to throw it all away.

I'm getting sick of discussions about reproductive rights and slut-shaming and rape culture and wage gaps and just feminist issues as a whole. Not because I don't think that these are important issues that need examining (no, not "examining", rather, pulverized into people's skulls), but because I am tired and completely exasperated with trying to get the men and women around me to recognize sexism and misogyny and trying to get them to combat their newly discovered ignorance. I'm tired. Tired of having my efforts proven futile, tired of being mad at things, tired of harmful schools of feminism that are currently trendy, tired of being a woman. I love being a woman, but I really don't. So I'm done talking about it. Actually, I've been done for a little while now; ever since when met with something sexist or misogynistic I found myself shaking my head out of utter exhaustion and staying quiet instead of trying to teach someone. I figure my energy is better spent focusing on myself as a person and navigating through life in the best ways that I can for me and other women without calling attention to something that is much bigger than anything I'm able to deal with. Women's voices are being met with so much resentment. People want us to shut up already. They're throwing harder punches, loudly calling out their issues with what women know to be misogynistic and asserting otherwise. Letting you know in very subtle ways that it's still not safe, and might never be, for us. It's terrifying. And I don't have the strength to keep fighting.

I need to stop thinking. There's too much noise in my head. I keep breaking my own heart into tinier pieces over and over thinking about the same shit over and over and creating worser angles over and over. If I could just stop thinking I'd be alright.

One thing I've never been very good at is taking a step back from things for my own sake. It's like I'll resolve to do so and then 4 days later I'm back diving headfirst into it, and the outcome reminds me yet again why I need to step back. Over and over and over. When I feel strongly about something I can't stop. And I'll keep relearning that this is what causes disappointment, anxiety, and overanalyzing. But I won't stop.