sworn fealty

The firehouse was looking particularly festive today. Christmas is nowhere in the near future, but it is the third day of Pride Month and the station is looking as colorful as the parade itself, which did put a smile on Eddie’s face as he walked in at the beginning of shift. He was immediately met by the distant arguing of Hen and Buck, something that sounded along the lines of balloons of every color of the rainbow being too much, and it seemed like Buck was pro-balloons and Hen was against.

After getting ready, Eddie was reunited with the chaos happening upstairs. A warm feeling took over his entire body when he saw his best friend, his boyfriend, trying to blow up a green colored balloon while staring directly at a very unamused Hen, both with frowns on their faces. 

“Eddie, can you please talk some sense into this man? He’s gone Pride-maniac” she gestured at Buck with exasperation in her voice.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do that,” he shrugged, trying to contain another smile. “What’s going on here?”

Buck finished blowing up the balloon as he walked towards the other two, he mindlessly pressed the neck of the balloon and handed it to Eddie for him to tie it up, he didn’t say a word but Eddie knew that was his task. He complied, of course. 

“You can’t live in shame, Hen,” he sounded out of breath, hands on his hips and his usual bratty tone for when he wants to win an argument.

“Pipe down, Buckley. I’ve been out almost as long as you’ve been alive, I have enough pride to give out to the entire state of California.”

“So why can’t we do the balloons?” Buck threw his hands in the air

“We’ve already got more flags and decorations in here than a full blown festival would have. The balloons are just gonna make it look like a kid’s birthday party.” She was definitely not backing down from this one. Eddie didn’t wanna disagree with Buck right now, but he thought Hen had a point.

“Fine. I guess we’ll just do a boring Pride month then,“ A very sulky Buck returned to the couch, his boyfriend following along and handing him the tied up green balloon before sitting next to him.

“We’ll bring the balloons to the parade, Buck. It'll be just as fun.” Hen offered.

Eddie’s eyes widened against his will, his jaw clenched and he pulled up his phone in hopes he could now be excluded from the conversation.

“Right… about that—”

“Oh, come on! It was your idea! Karen and I haven’t gone to one of those in years, you suggested we, what did you call it? Remember our queer beginnings?” She let out a small laugh with the last part.

“No, I know, I know. It’s just…” Buck looked at Eddie, who was currently pretending to be very into the ad for dog food on his phone screen, “I-I just have other plans.”

Hen was a lot of things, and dumb was clearly not one of them. She walked over to Eddie and grabbed his phone right out his hands. She stared down at him, with a look that he could only relate to the way his mom used to look at him when he’d gotten a really bad grade in school.

“Alright, spit it out. Do you have a problem with Pride parades?” Her arms were crossed now.

Eddie started to panic, he looked at Buck for help but he knew there was nothing he could do and the look on his face confirmed that. He sat up straighter and started clearing his throat to speak.

“No! No, of course not…” he looked at his best friend again, this time looking for a look of encouragement, which he got. “I just don’t think I’m… you know, ready for that.”

“I get that,” Her look softened at this, she lowered herself to meet his eyes now. “You know, it honestly took me a while to feel “prideful” at all, it was already hard enough being a black woman and just existing, so adding lesbian on top of that… it almost felt like I was putting a curse on myself.”

Eddie could relate to that in a way. As a kid, he remembered getting picked on for a number of reasons, his name alone being one of them. When he started doing ballroom dancing, kids found a gold mine to make jokes and point and laugh at him. He never told his parents because they’d never listen, but that was another reason he quit. 

“How did you get over that?” He shook his head lightly, breaking their eye contact by looking down slightly, almost embarrassed. “It’s not even that I feel shame, I just.. It’s hard to feel proud of something I spent so long denying myself of, even if I wasn’t really aware of it. Does that make any sense?”

“Of course it does. And nobody is expecting you to crop all your shirts and cover your body in glitter—”

“Th-Though it is encouraged. And welcomed. If that was something you wanted to do,” Buck chimed in, easily getting a smile out of Eddie. Hen just rolled her eyes, but she was amused as well. 

“If you need time to feel comfortable embracing this new part of yourself that you’ve discovered, that’s normal. But don’t hold yourself back if you are ready to embrace it. You’ve denied yourself of this version of your life for so long… It's about time you get to enjoy the freedom that comes with being true to yourself.” Hen’s hand reached out to him, his eyes met hers again as he welcomed her hand into his. 

“You are a saint, woman,” He gave her a soft smile and it was returned.

“I like to think of myself as more of a Lesbian Jesus, really. But I’ll take it.” She started to get up before continuing, “You don’t have to come with us, but just know we’ll have extra glitter if you do decide to go.” 

Eddie could feel something shift after the conversation, but he didn’t really know what it meant or what to do with the feeling, so instead he just said,  “I’ll think about it.”

He didn’t have to look over at his boyfriend to know he had a grin from ear to ear on his face. That alone could’ve been enough to convince Eddie to tag along. But instead, he chose to keep thinking about it.

—————

The West Hollywood Pride Parade was taking place on Sunday, June 7th. 

It was now Friday and Eddie had yet to make up his mind about attending with the Wilson’s and a very supportive Chimney, who had claimed he’d always wanted to go and because he was the one who set up Hen and Karen, he deserved to be there as a “VIP Ally”, as he called it. 

Buck hadn’t brought it up to him since the conversation with Hen that happened on Wednesday. Eddie knew he just didn’t want to pressure him, but Eddie also knew it would mean a lot to Buck if they did go together. They’d had the conversation before, but it hadn't gone excellently.

Eddie was never good at explaining his feelings, but everything regarding his sexuality felt so new to him that it was about a million times harder to try and get a thought out when it came to it. He’d told Buck he just wasn’t at the level of gay where he felt comfortable enough to parade and flaunt it around town. Terrible choice of words, which he immediately regretted. 

The truth was, Eddie wasn’t scared of what people thought. He’d learned from a young age that people who have hatred in their hearts will hate you regardless of what you look like or who you are. But what about the people who don’t? Does he belong in a community with people who are so open and comfortable with their identity? How can he feel that when he’s been shoving down that part of himself so deep inside that he doesn’t even know how to be himself now that it’s out.

Having Buck helped a lot, of course. He was so patient, he seemed so wise about the whole situation even after only discovering his own sexuality a few years ago as well. Eddie tried to push aside the passing feeling of jealousy he got after he remembered part of that journey for Buck had to do with his ex. 

“What’s happening in your head right now?” Buck’s voice caught Eddie off guard, they were laying in bed together, something he sometimes still couldn’t believe was a thing they did. He felt lucky. He felt safe. 

“What if they can tell it’s my first time there?” He turned his body slowly, facing Buck now with his hands pressed together under his pillow. “At the parade, I mean.”

“I don’t think they have a sixth sense for that, Eddie,” Buck mused. “And even if they could tell, I don’t think they care. Why would they?”

“I don’t know... I guess you’re right. I don’t even know why I’m in my head about this.” He was frowning, he was starting to realize he really didn’t know. 

Looking at his boyfriend in this moment, his face bringing the usual warmth it did to Eddie’s entire body, his pupils dilated as if looking at Eddie was the most captivating thing he could be doing right now. This feeling of comfort was unlike anything Eddie ever imagined he would be able to feel, and it was making him feel like he actually should’ve said ‘Hell Yes’ the moment there was an opportunity for him to brag about the fact that he’s in love with his best friend and that also, yeah, he’s fucking hot. These thoughts occurred in the span of five seconds before he said, “You know what? Fuck it. We’re going.”

Buck's face lit up as he leaned in to press what was possibly the most delicate but love-filled kiss that Eddie has ever experienced, the feeling taking over him from the very top of his head to the very end of his toes. He knew his boyfriend was proud of him.

—————

There actually was glitter everywhere.

It was easy for the glitter to be everywhere considering Buck spent a grand total of 1 hour that morning convincing Eddie to crop one of his shirts, successfully doing so by bribing him with the promise of a homecooked meal of his choice when they got back that night. Eddie didn't actually need that much convincing, he was mostly testing to see how much Buck could offer. And so, his outfit consisted of his finest cowboy boots, the cowboy hat Buck had gotten him for their trip to Nashville, some jean shorts which he did have to beg Buck not to crop into booty shorts but gave into cutting at least a few inches off of them, the raw edges now sitting mid-thigh. And of course, a now sleeveless crop top, probably more cropped than he had left it before he took a shower and left his boyfriend unsupervised with the scissors.

Buck's outfit was complimentary to Eddie's, the main stars of the show being his disco cowboy hat and the tank top Hen had gotten him for the occasion that read "Bisexual Menace" in the bi flag colors. His arms were glistening and it made no sense because there was nothing on them, "You just fucking look like that?" Eddie had said, really frustrated that had to, against all odds, resist the urge to ask Buck if they could just stay at home and have sex as fully clothed as possible for a few hours so he could enjoy him in that outfit. 

Instead, Eddie was fighting with all his might not to let the overstimulation take over his experience but there was glitter in places he'd forgotten even existed on his body. And the thing is, it was not even his own glitter. The Wilsons had put some of their body glitter on his face but the glitter everywhere else came from the literal Glitter Canyons on the sidewalk they were currently standing on. Karen had the very wonderful idea to watch one of the drag performances happening in the middle of the street, which truly was something Eddie didn't know he'd love so much. Drag Queens he had always admired in general but seeing them perform up close this way nearly made him emotional.

He thought about the way he felt when he danced, performing was when he'd felt not only most vulnerable but also most free, which was hard for him to feel at all when he was young. Dance was something he held very dear to his heart, he'd learned to feel every single part of his body, every muscle, every extremity, every single movement he did had meaning and emotion. There was nothing else like it. He wondered if being in drag could be anything like that, for them and for him as well.

He was entranced by the art taking place before his eyes, Buck had an arm around his waist and Eddie didn't even realize he'd stopped watching the perfomance and was instead intently staring at Eddie as he watched, it wasn't until he wanted to share with Buck that he loved the song they were performing that he realized his boyfriend's gaze had been on him instead of the performance for quite a while. When their eyes met, neither could contain a smile from forming. This happened a lot lately, them making eye contac and it instantly causing them to grin from ear to ear.

"I love this song," Eddie tried to speak normally even with the roaring music coming from four different industrial speakers around the performers. The song was Pink Pony Club.

"Of course you do," Buck leaned closer to Eddie's face, speaking louder than he had before to make sure he heard the next part. "It's about leaving your conservative town and embracing who you are in a place where you can do it."

It's true, Eddie wasn't usualy the type of person to pay crazy attention to lyrics but he knew these were something he couldn't get away from intensely relating to. Eddie thought it was sweet that Buck had probably thought about it before he had done that himself. He really did know him best."I love you so much," this time he did try to speak over the music. He's not quite sure if that's why he yelled or if maybe he felt the need to shout out loud that he loves this man.

"I know," Buck's smile was nothing short of smug, which made Eddie laugh lightly and shake his head in disbelief at his cockiness even the sweetest of moments. "I love you." Buck yelled back, only seconds before his arm pulled Eddie closer to his body and he pressed a kiss to his cheek, the gesture making Eddie a little trembly at the knees and turning his face twice as hot as it felt under the West Hollywood summer sun. 

Eddie has never felt more seen, loved and understood than he did standing in this crowd of people who had so many stories to tell. Stories about their own journeys, their queerness and their lives. He'd never known how community could feel this real even without speaking a word to those around him. Because they knew, they all understood, they all felt it too. 

Eddie was starting to run out of ideas. It had been exactly 6 days and 9 hours since he had accidentally opened the Pandora's box that were his feelings for his best friend, feelings he didn’t know existed or maybe feelings he has just never wanted to admit were there. How long had he been feeling this way? Was Buck the first man he ever felt this way about? Was he too old to even try to unpack all of this? Well, the answer to those last two questions was “NO” and he knew that. 

When Eddie was around 10 years old, he remembers watching the movie My Own Private Idaho, which he was most likely too young to be watching and he had this lingering feeling that the two male leads were supposed to kiss at some point but never did and it saddened him in ways he never really wanted to think about, perhaps back then he carried a heavy weight of learned shame for even wanting to watch something like that, let alone think about why he could yearn for such a thing.

Eddie also has a vivid memory of then struggling to hang out with his best friend at the time, Omar, since he kept wondering what it would be like to kiss him. Not that the thought never crossed his mind before then, but he was now a little too aware of it and it worried him. He didn’t want it to be obvious to his friend, so they started hanging out less and less and Eddie thought about it less and less. Was he just repressing real feelings then? Is he being stupid for thinking it could be anything other than that?

He also remembers feeling strange about everyone else’s perspective of his relationship with Shannon in the coming years. They always got along and he loved having her around, he felt comfortable around her and she always pushed him to be better. He used to think she was such a beautiful girl even when they were only 14, he’d almost felt jealous of the attention she got for being so pretty. But that was a feeling he certainly was not gonna delve into.

Since they met so young, he had always believed they were meant to be, at least that’s what everybody else told him. The sex was alright, but he never got what the big deal was about it, he found it quite boring and usually just a way to pass the time or avoid having hard conversations, wrongly so. He’d been thinking about that a lot in the past 6 days, 9 hours and now 25 minutes.

He was running out of ideas and out of time. He didn’t know how else to avoid Buck at this point, he’d been hitting the gym every chance he got and declining Buck’s offers to go with him, as well as taking probably suspiciously long to get back to his texts about having dinner at his house. That one was killing Eddie the most. He missed Buck’s cooking and he missed hanging out with the little booger too, but he didn’t know how to even talk to his friend without wanting to blurt these things out. 

Blurting things out is unlikely Eddie, of course, but Buck is the person he feels most comfortable with, the only one he would want to talk to about these conflicting thoughts he’s having. But he can’t do that when the thoughts are about him.

“Hey Eddie, do you think there’s still improvements to be made to my turkey recipe?” Buck was coming over to him, looking down at his little notebook, definitely not realizing Eddie was trying to hide from him in the medic truck. 

‘Maybe if I ignore his question he’ll forget he saw me?’ Eddie thought. But he wasn’t that lucky.

“I don’t know, I feel like it’s not perfect yet and it needs to be perfect.” Buck scratched the back of his head, still looking at his written down recipe. “Maybe I should let Maddie host this year, maybe I’m not ready for it.”

Eddie couldn’t help but smile at that, his approval-seeking best friend was nothing short of endearing in moments like these. 

“Buck, come on, you’ve been planning this Thanksgiving dinner for months now. Besides, maybe you shouldn’t make Maddie do the hosting with less than a week of notice.”

“I guess you’re right… I don’t even understand how she’s been able to pull this off before.”

He’s now standing at the doors of the medic truck, making Eddie a little nervous that he might come in. He has to think fast.

“Yeah, totally. Hey I gotta really focus on these things to sort th—”

“Oh yeah, you got it. I’m just gonna be sitting here anyway so you won’t hear a peep. Get back to your duties, don’t mind me.” 

So that didn’t work. Great. 

His mind was still spinning, he was now recounting the events that even led to him having this mind-fucking epiphany. 

He’d been having breakfast with Buck after a shift, their conversation was currently about what he was gonna get Theo for Christmas and if he’d even try to keep the magic of Santa alive or if it was pointless with a kid as nosy and stubborn as this one, who’d probably figure it out anyway.

“What if he finds the gifts somewhere in the house and starts asking questions? Do I just lie to him?” Buck took a sip of his mocha, visibly amused by the idea of this happening.

“I definitely had to lie to Chris about it a couple of times. But I think it’s nice, if you can keep them believing in that kind of magic for a while, I think it’s good.” 

“Yeah, I guess we’ll find the right way to break it to him when the time comes. If he doesn’t figure out how to Google it first.” This made both of them laugh, but Eddie’s mind lingered on the use of “we” in the sentence. 

It’s no secret that he and Buck were always a team, and fostering Theo was something Eddie immediately knew he would be a part of. He knows it takes a village and he also knows he has permanent residency in that village. But suddenly thinking about a future in which they were actually parenting this kid together, making collaborative decisions on how to tell him Santa’s not real, or what grounding will be adequate for when he inevitably breaks something he was told not to touch about five hundred times. Eddie’s mind wandered into these hypotheticals and something tugged at his heart. Panic attack? No. He wasn’t panicking. He was excited. The idea of raising a kid with his best friend excited him.

“Do you think he’ll get behind the idea of the Tooth Fairy? Should we just give him money?” Eddie was leaning into it now, a smile still plastered across his face as he said this.

Buck smiled back and slightly frowned, the way he does when a thought passes his brain really fast. “He might find the Tooth Fairy kind of creepy. I know I did. Isn’t there a Mexican version of that?” 

Another tug at the heart. “Yeah! Yeah, a mouse, actually. El ratón de los dientes.” He took a breath before continuing, “You wanna go with that?”

“Yeah, it sounds kind of tamer than a fairy, right? Besides, it’ll be nice to start getting him to learn more about, you know, your culture… and stuff.”

He says it so casually, he doesn’t even look at Eddie but he swears his tone was almost inviting. Maybe he just hoped it was. Why?

Why?

Oh. Maybe he does know why.

And that’s how we ended up here. 

Six days and ten hours later. About twenty million mini panic attacks later, after realizing all the signs he had missed. He didn’t know if this was even reciprocated, he’d been too busy freaking out over realizing how much of his life has been fueled by repression, and now that he thinks about it, maybe his aunts had been trying to pray away the gay all those times they begged him to join the altar boys and with the way they took their rosaries out of the water when they found out Shannon was pregnant. That was kinda fucked up, actually. 

He managed to escape after avoiding any and all eye contact with Buck for about 40 minutes, and giving as short of answers as he could, guilt making his chest feel heavy. He decided to go home as quickly as possible again, he didn’t even let Chim get a word in when he passed him in the locker room like a tornado trying to pick up his things before Buck could catch up to him again and God forbid ask for another breakfast together. What could that lead to? An impromptu love confession? He just couldn’t risk it, he doesn’t trust himself around Buck right now.

But at home all he has are even more of his own thoughts. Chris is at school and he’s hanging out at a friend’s house afterwards, that’s entirely too many hours of this. So he resorts to seeking company, or help. 

The Wilsons will know what to do.

“We can’t tell you what to do,”

What the hell? What am I doing here then?

“You’re not even telling us anything, you can’t just say you think ‘you’re wrong about everything in your life’ and expect us to know what that means.” Karen was especially not having any of Eddie’s bullshit today. 

“Okay,” He sighed and let his eyes roll to the back of his head before asking something he felt sounded out of a heartfelt coming of age movie, “How did you know you were gay?”

Hen’s eyes could’ve popped out of her skull, and Karen held onto her shoulder as if to ground herself. Eddie didn’t want to say out loud what led to this revelation, but he had to give them something to go off of.

“Hypothetically,” he started, already making Hen give him the side-eye he was becoming really familiar with very quickly, “if I discovered I’m having very intense, newfound feelings about building a future with, hypothetically, a man… would that make me gay?”

“It sure doesn’t make you not gay,” Karen said offhandedly, which made Hen give her a nudge, “I’m just saying! That’s like step five in the first ten steps of gay realization!”

“Don’t… listen to her. I mean, she’s right but you only gotta focus on you right now. Did a specific hypothetical man trigger these feelings?” Oh, don’t even get me started. 

“Maybe.”

There was the side-eye again. 

“Does maybe actually mean yes? And does yes mean the human embodiment of an energy drink on steroids?” That was a new one.

“Maybe,” he looked away. “Yes. Maybe, yes.”

He expected a big reaction from admitting that, but instead the wives shared a look and let out a simultaneous sigh that seemed to be one of relief, almost.

So he realized; they always knew. And sure, they might just be very wise lesbians, but there’s a big chance no matter who he went to about his current dilemma, they would not be much more surprised at the confession he’d just made. Hen could see the panic starting to set in, washing over Eddie’s face.

“Look,” she placed both of her hands on Eddie's shoulders, he thought she might’ve been about to shake him like a ragdoll but her grip was steady and her gaze was nothing but warm. “I don’t have all the answers. I’m not your gay Yoda, but I can tell you that if it’d been him who walked through our door this morning and told us this same thing, we’d probably tell him to stop wasting our damn time on something he, we actually,  definitely already knew—”

Something like a woodpecker started throwing a party inside of Eddie's chest when she said that. 

“—I can’t be sure of this, but I do feel pretty confident in the fact that you two love each other, be that what it may be. And you’re killing him right now.”

“What? What are you talking about?” 

“Eddie, you’ve been avoiding him for a week, he’s worried you’re falling into some kind of depression. It’s killing him.”

God, his Buck. He should’ve known, this is why instead of actually avoiding him, he was just making him worry and push even more to know what’s going on. Buck would never just accept Eddie drifting away, nor would he find it ordinary for Eddie to stop wanting to spend time with him on a random week in November. Something had to be wrong. And of course he was right. This is the only person besides Bobby who’s been able to see through him, and in ways nobody else could even begin to comprehend.

Eddie knew he needed to stop running.

He barely made it through the door before he heard the voice coming from the living room.

“Look who finally decides to show up,” Buck sat in the middle of their couch, one leg crossed over the other and his arms stretched out, nearly the length of the whole couch. Had that always been so attractive to Eddie?

“I was at Hen’s,” he was walking slowly, but his heart was pounding like he was running a marathon.

“Oh, I know. I have your location, Eddie.” Only he did. “What is going on with you?”

“It's complicated, Buck…” he trailed off, he didn't even know where to begin or if there were even words in the English language to explain what he was feeling.

Buck's face went dark, he got himself up from the sofa and stood right in front of Eddie, inches away but not meeting his eyes.

“Did I do something?” Eddie could’ve melted into nothing right then and there, “Can you just… talk to me?”

Their eyes made contact for the first time in what felt like an eternity for Eddie, but in his defense he stopped trying to look him in the eye after the third day of this whole mess. His body nearly gave out when he saw the sadness emitting from Buck’s eyes.

“I-I just wanna know if I did something but, Eddie, you gotta tell me what it is so I can fix it. You can’t avoid me forever, you’re making it imp–”

Eddie couldn't tell if the world had physically gone quiet the moment his lips had met Buck’s, but it certainly felt that way. He’d grabbed him by his face and just kissed him. Nothing in his entire life had ever felt so right, any worry or fear he’d felt before that moment, now felt so insignificant. 

He was so entranced in how perfectly at ease he felt kissing him, that it took him a while to realize he was kissing him back. Buck’s hand on Eddie’s waist while his other hand gripped at his bicep, maybe instinctively, which made Eddie smile before he pulled away. Buck was about to open his mouth to speak again but—

“God, Evan… do you ever shut the hell up?” The blue eyes staring back at him no longer held sadness, instead a goofy smile was all he was met with. 

“Maybe try that again, I think you’ve found the solution.”