My doctor partially said on my first checkup it might be something cancerous on the lymphnode in the left side if my neck and must scheduled an FNA biopsy accompanied by ultrasound, so she referred me to a specialist. The reality didn't hit me at first. I started searching about it and I was scared about it. I'm healthy though. Questioning myself, why would she suggest a biopsy, unless there was a good reason?
Immediately, my mind was confused and down into thoughts of death. Should I tell my Mom? My FiancΓ©? My close friends? surely, I didn't want them my love ones to go through that.
At first I didn't tell my mom what was happening, to stop her from worrying, and as I waited for my ultrasound, my anxiety faded,as I focused on my everyday work and studies. But the day came of the fine needle aspiration biopsy-ultrasound I felt scared, I was alone, I didnβt want anyone to accompany me. When I arrived at the clinic I was asked to fill in the waiver and it was also stated If ever they found out I have cancer their asking me if I would allow them to include it in the Country statistics. The Doctor reassured me it looked fine, even though she wasn't supposed to say anything yet.
I was extremely nervous. I had no idea what to expect. I hoped it would be as painless and inconspicuous as possible. As it turned out, it wasn't painless, but it was manageable. She took several samples on 2 lymph nodes. This time there were no reassurances. Afterwards, my neck swelled a bit. My neck hurt to touch, but I was able to do some work the same day and over the following weeks the node shrank a little bit and the pain diminished, but I still have the enlarge nodes. My visit to the specialist was less reassuring. she also ordered another serological tests the next days that she thought its was worth doing, so all in my mind was, I must be facing a real risk.
I tried to be philosophical. Who knew what the verdict would be? What if this was the end? Did I have serious regrets given this jolt of reality? I evaluated my life and decided I am truly happy and grateful with how I've spent my time. I love the people around me. I embraced some challenges at work and in school. I managed. I tried to enjoy the exhilaration of life and imagine everything being fine. But as the day of the results grew nearer. I was just so quiet.
Itβs about to get real. I wanted to create a happy memory before things changed.. I called my mom (still doesnt know about my health status..) and my fiance, my prayer partners and few friends (who knew everything..) that was my simple happy moments knowing their with me in my journey. I felt no fear by then, but I was stressed and I trying not to think about any worst scenarios will come.
So the time came, as I went alone to see my Doctor to hear the results, my hands were very cold, I was so quiet. I was not so ready to hear the results.. I started recording incase it was an awful news that I couldnβt manage to say to my love ones after but I all of a sudden just stopped my recording.
My mind was in turmoil. Questioning myself again, What was I supposed to do? I could only face what was before me. I dont want a bad news. then I started to feel fast heartbeat and full of fear, but determined to face facts. My doctor came and smiled and explained there was NO lymphoma / Hodgkin cancer. just reactive cells trying to protect my body from the wear and tear of life. Then I was happy and told my doctor I have to record again what she says and again she explained that there is No cancer found in the biopsy test and she handed me the original copy of Diagnosis results to see it was all true what she was saying. I thought I would feel instant relief. But when I left, I found it hard to comprehend what I heard. I tried to formulate my confused thoughts into a coherent state of mind. because I had spent the last few weeks rollercoaster bracing myself for the worst. Now here I was, expecting to feel full of the carefree wonder of life. But instead I felt ramped up for a fight I thankfully no longer had to face. Slowly, the relief and joy of my reality started to wash over me. I Thank God for everything. I cried and smiled. I laughed. And I just called my mom to let her know everything that she doesnβt know what Ive been through in the past weeks. Now Iβm feeling happy again even though I am still undergoing some tests which my doctors wanted to find out why I still have these unusual enlarged lymph nodes on my neck. but knowing Iβm Cancer free is just the best feeling ever.
