Resources for Ace Survivors

In my last post, I mentioned the conflation of sex-favourable aces with aces who have sex (and the related pressure for aces who have sex to identify as grey-ace). Siggy also recently posted about the pressures of compulsory sexuality on and risk of sexual violence towards sex-favourable aces, which in part seems to fit with a post of Queenie’s, back in 2015, talking about the grey areas of sexuality.

Queenie’s post sparked various discussions around the blogosphere about grey consent, which in part tended to inadvertently move the goalposts on what could ‘count’ as sexual violence and what was ‘just’ grey consent. This is obviously not something that we want perpetuated within ace community discussions; I think it could also be looked at as an interpersonal version of the grey-area deflections that Coyote discusses here. That is: if aces who have sex are assumed to be sex-favourable, and if sex-favourable aces are assumed to always be ‘sexually available’, always ‘down to fuck’, then it is easy to extrapolate that aces in this triangle of experience cannot really have been assaulted; what did they expect, after all? (This is almost reminiscent of the 2013 consent-shaming debacle; the assertions that someone can never consent and that someone is always consenting lead to the same conclusion in the end: that assault isn’t meaningful or possible.)  And if these aces cannot frame their experiences as assault or question whether that framework would apply, but have nevertheless had experiences that they feel unsure about, experiences that might ‘count’ as assault for other people but obviously can’t for them, then they’ll invent in-between categories where they can carve out some small precarious place for their experiences to exist - just as Coyote describes in zans post, because of course this isn’t a situation that exists in isolation. (And of course this is accompanied and worsened by all the usual suspects.)

I’m an aro-ace therapist who’s been reading a lot of sex therapy books for my work. These books play a big role in the treatment ace and aro people get from our therapists. But if you’re ace or aro, are they inclusive of people like you? And if you’re a therapist, how do you know which books will help you work with ace or aro clients–and which ones perpetuate harmful myths? To save you time, and hopefully make it easier to identify books that are useful or useless to you, I’ll be posting in-depth reviews of each sex therapy book I read, with both their positives and negatives, and how supportive they are for aro and/or ace folks. This post will be updated below the cut as I read more books and write reviews for them.

Hi folks, this is a sensitive subject but please have a look if you’re interested in the ace perspective on coercion, sexual assault and #MeToo. It should be obvious from the title and description that there could be sensitive content here, so please take care.

We’re happy to release a peek into the 2016 data! We’ve put together two visualizations based on the 2016 Ace Community Survey. Check them out!

Demographics of the 2016 respondents

Experiences with sex in the 2016 survey

Also see these interactive visualizations:

Experiences with Sexual Violence

“¿Por qué es necesario ofrecer servicios de salud competentes en asexualidad?

Debido a que la falta de deseo sexual es parte del criterio diagnóstico de muchos trastornos físicos y mentales, y al desconocimiento general que existe sobre la asexualidad, muchxs profesionales de la salud responden a la misma diagnosticando erróneamente a personas asexuales con algún trastorno sexual, así como sugiriendo o exigiendo la realización de exámenes y tratamientos innecesarios —y en ocasiones perjudiciales.

Por esto, muchas personas asexuales evitan ir a consulta de médicos y terapeutas, especialmente cuando se trata de salud reproductiva y salud mental, pues temen que si hablan honestamente sobre su asexualidad se les ridiculice o patologice.

Es por estas razones que lxs profesionales de la salud necesitan saber qué es la asexualidad y el espectro asexual, y cómo generar espacios afirmativos que reconozcan nuestras vivencias y necesidades específicas.”

Esta página es una introducción a la asexualidad dirigida a profesionales de la salud, e incluye recomendaciones y recursos sobre el tema. Es parte del sitio Asexualidad en Breve, que busca ofrecer información clara y concisa sobre esta orientación sexual.

This page is an introduction to asexuality for healthcare professionals, and includes recommendations and resources on the subject. Is part of the website Asexualidad en Breve, which seeks to offer clear and concise information about this sexual orientation.

For some survivors, the flood of stories is only horrifying. But for others, there is some satisfaction in seeing the scope of the problem made public, getting real proof that they’re not alone, and watching experiences that might have been downplayed, denied, or ignored in the past get some degree of recognition.

“Different individuals are experiencing this very differently,” says Beth Enterkin, a trauma therapist and clinical training specialist at Rape Victim Advocates in Chicago. Some are “glad that it’s happening but they’re also feeling overwhelmed by it and experiencing a real increase in their general level of anxiety,” she says, while others are having a much more severe reaction, including experiencing PTSD and trauma symptoms.

Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis, a Los Angeles-based psychologist, associate professor at Pepperdine University, and author of Surviving Sexual Violenceis seeing something similar in her practice. “There can be a sense of empowerment, a sense of community because you realize you’re not alone and how pervasive it is, but it’s also depressing and can make people angry. And there’s a healthiness to that outrage because it is outrageous. Not only that there are predators, but that we as society support predators with our silence. And worse than the silence is the shaming, blaming and disbelief that often confirms for people their decision not to tell their story.”

Lee adds that because the majority of the media coverage is focused on the experiences of young, cis-gendered white women, some survivors aren’t feeling the same sense of support and community. Instead, she says, they’re feeling downplayed, denied and ignored once again. “There’s a huge group of people who just don’t fit into the narrative that gets attention, and for people who are traditionally at greater risk—trans women and women of color—it’s very isolating and that creates another layer of harm.”

“I tell survivors the need for self compassion is essential,” say Bryant-Davis. “And some people will be very hard on themselves and say, ‘I thought I was over it,’ but there’s an additional layer of pain in not just being reminded of it but also in seeing the lack of response that other people received.”

The myth of sexual violence is that it is largely perpetrated by strangers who strike and then vanish. But as the recent coverage shows, Bryant-Davis says, “most of the time this isn’t the case, and most of the time the offenders were known to [the victims] and the people around them, and these bystanders did or said nothing, and that brings back to the surface the disappointment and anger of not having been protected or given the care that they deserved.”

My reaction to “#metoo” was, “You mean, not everyone works on a community survey that forces them to internalize how common this is?”

This is really complicated, like most issues of orientation.

First, I’ll say nobody can decide but you if you’re ace. If you’re asking my opinion about “am I ace or not?” then I’m not qualified to make that determination.

On the one hand, you completely recognize that your terrible experiences have put you off sex and relationships. This is a pretty classic trauma response and I’m sure you know that counseling and time may help when you’re still dealing with the after-effects of your abuse.

But I will also say that counseling should not be accessed with “be able to feel romantic and/or sexual feelings” as an end goal, unless you specifically WANT those feelings once again. It’s a common misconception that all people must feel those things to be considered happy and healthy. It’s very likely that if your marriages were so abusive that they’ve shifted how you can experience attraction, you’re dealing with some deep wounds, but it’s okay if getting some healing for them doesn’t result in returning you to how you were.

If you “know you were allo” and then bad experiences changed you through trauma, I don’t want to be the one to say “it’s okay, just be asexual and aromantic and it’ll be fine,” because avoiding natural inclinations due to triggers and pain is not the same as just not experiencing attraction. I don’t want to suggest identifying as ace as a solution to escaping dealing with trauma.

However, on the other hand, some people react the way they do to certain experiences because they have asexual and/or aromantic tendencies in the first place, and also sexuality is fluid so it can change. It is always possible that you were allo before and partly through these experiences you’ve realized that’s not who you are anymore. Though it really sounds to me based on the language you used ( “grosses me out hardcore,” “if I think about anything beyond that I get skeeved out”) that your repulsion has specific trauma-based roots that you may heal from and feel differently about later in your life.

That said, the word “asexual” describes what we’re feeling, not why. If you aren’t feeling sexual attraction anymore for whatever reason, that is one of the words you may want to use to describe yourself, at least for now. It is not off limits to trauma survivors, and like all complex identities its complications don’t invalidate it necessarily. Trauma can change a person and usually working through it leaves you in a different place than you were at the start. But if you think about it and come to the conclusion that you are a currently sex-and-romance-repulsed non-asexual person who is working through some stuff, that is also an okay thing to conclude. You don’t have to be asexual or aromantic to not want sex or romance. Those are things non-asexual people sometimes feel too.

If you find that you want to pursue romantic and/or sexual interests and you can’t because of what you’ve been through, I recommend accessing therapy, counseling, support groups, what have you–but it’s also okay if you’re just ready to swear off these kinds of relationships for a while and let yourself find a new equilibrium. If that equilibrium does not include sex/relationships and you aren’t unhappy about that, that’s okay. If you return to a baseline similar to how you were before the abusive marriages and change what you call yourself, that’s okay too. Let yourself figure out who you are now and don’t pressure yourself to come to a specific conclusion.

Hi Anon,

It is not strange at all. It’s very common for people to be triggered by someone who looks like their attackers in some way. Your body remembers the trauma it went through and is trying to protect itself from future attacks by instinctively reacting to what you have learned can be indicators of danger. Unfortunately our instincts are not always so nuanced as to be able to understand the difference between someone who looks like an attacker versus someone who actually is.

First of all, if you feel you can’t be friends with someone because they look like your attacker, that is perfectly okay. It doesn’t matter if they’re the best person in the world; if you aren’t comfortable with them, even if it has nothing to do with who they are, you don’t have to be around them. Being triggered is a perfectly valid reason to not want to be around someone or something.

That said, it’s also okay to want to push past that and reduce your trigger response. This site has some tips (starting at “Step 2″) on anticipating and dealing with triggers as they come. I would especially focus on grounding techniques to help you stay in the present and make you less likely to continue associating things with the past. 

Self-talk can also be a help in this instance. When you see someone who looks like your attacker, instead of avoiding thinking about being triggered and attempting to push it back, let yourself feel what you need to feel. Talk to yourself like you would a friend going through the same thing. Remind yourself of the ways in which you are safe and in control. Ask yourself- and it sounds like you’ve already been doing this- what exactly it is about the person that reminds you of your attacker, and then logically explain to yourself why that is or isn’t an indication of how safe you are around them. This isn’t something that will work 100% right away; these messages take time and repetition to sink in, but they can eventually get through to your baser instincts. 

It sounds like you are making a big effort to be open-minded and recognize each person for the individual that they are. You can’t help your initial feelings and it doesn’t mean you’re being inconsiderate to others. The healing process is different for everyone; be patient with yourself if it takes time. Take things at the pace that works best for you. I hope this helps- our inbox is always open if you need us.