E.

you saw me as someone worth saving.

i didn’t want what happened to change the way you saw me.

we’re gonna get through this. we kind of have to.

sometimes our mistakes follow us.

in fact, i did not start out a bad person.

glory’s fine. revenge is more fun.

as usual, i make the wrong decision.

i was scared. i’m just tired of being scared. 

all that rage is bad for your complexion. 

you are so sweet and naive and dumb.

curious. how many more rock bottoms are you going to have to hit before you start taking care of yourself?

i used to think a lot of shit matters.

talking makes things real. and real things end.

i wanted to be a part of your world. but i didn’t know your world was like this. 

i’m so sick of people telling me who i am.

the guilt of it all. what are we supposed to do with that? 

i don’t want to be afraid anymore.

it’s like i always used to need someone else to make me feel whole. 

you didn’t let me down.

you’re this fiery, passionate person.

we’re working to stop the monsters and to stop people from turning into monsters.

it’s important to have an exit plan that’s more than just an exit.

maybe it’s not so bad when you’re the one holding the knife.

at least i know who i am.

i’m nobody’s guiding light.

i don't belong to anybody.

i was alone. surrounded by people, but still alone.

rise and shine, we’re in hell. 

this is the worst it’s been. that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

you’re going dark on me again.

if you’re bullshitting me, i don’t care.

i never wanted to be the bad guy.

why did anyone ever do shit for me when all i ever did was let them down?

look at you, always standing in my fucking way.

your memory is like… lethally selective.

what if we end up making each other freaking miserable?

what if i hurt you? i’ve hurt people before. very badly.

for what it’s worth, i’m proud of you.

you’re the future, kid. never forget that. 

i guess i just want it to make some kind of sense.

however this plays out, i’m seeing it through with you.

you’ve done a lot, no question. but there is always more.

you believed in me when i didn’t.

this may shock you, but not everyone here likes you.

this place makes you face your demons or something, and turns out, your demons are really fucking ugly.

maybe in the end it’ll be me and you trying together. 

maybe it makes me selfish. i don’t think it makes me wrong.

there’s a whole world out there for you. go. fight for it. be brave.

i'm talking the greater good. doesn't always have to be what's best for everybody.

it doesn’t matter how shitty they are. it still fucks you up when they’re gone.

sometimes, someone comes into your life at just the right moment, you know?

stop being mad at me for wanting a different future.

you’re not like the others. but you know that, don’t you?

this isn’t pressure. it’s winning. 

i want a life where we can just… be. 

the worst has already fucking happened. i don’t think i’ve got it in me to be that scared about something that could be good.

we can’t save anyone until we save ourselves.

if you’re with me, i need you to say it.

what gives you the right to choose who lives and who dies?

i don’t know how this is going to end or what happens to me, but for whatever it’s worth, i am with you. 

why am i always doing bad things in your dreams?

you don’t trust anybody else to take care of things.

enough people have died. 

tell me you didn’t kill anyone. if you say it, i’ll believe you.

thank you for believing in me. 

i don’t wanna die.

i was just following your lead the whole time. we all were.

i’m not a hero. i’m just helping a friend.

i don’t think this is goodbye. 

you need someone to help get you there, and you have to get there.

i’m sorry you met me, but i’m glad i got to know you. i’ll never forget you.

can’t i just blame everything on my mother and be done with it?

the whole world’s haunted.

i did monstrous things. 

you’re happy. which you’re allowed to be, in case you didn’t know.

just because someone saved your life doesn’t mean you have to live the rest of it for them.

it is not up to you to carry everyone else.

put your trust in other people. in me.

sometimes, helping hurts like hell.

i just wish sometimes i had a map to figure you out.

it’s a crazy world out here, full of people who sometimes disappoint us, but it’s damn beautiful.

i’m sorry. small words for something so big.

what do you live for? living takes effort now, it takes everything. those still alive have their reasons.

the world is nothing without hope.

think about what you want. what you truly want.

the bad things we do must be done. we carry that burden so the others don’t have to.

i’m gonna screw with your life just like the way you did with mine.

this place, it’s safe. it’s good for everybody.

we take what we got, and we make it work.

they changed the game, so we change how we play.

it     was     raining     now,      creating     a     wall     that     felt     protective     and     promising     between     the     pair     and     the     acres     of     woodland     and     lake     front     that     cornered     the     washington     property,      slipping     off     and     over     the     side     of     the     awning     in     rhythmic     tandem.           but     josh's     eyes     were     on     emily -- particularly     that     shoulder     she     had     pointedly     allowed     out     of     the     confines     of     her     jacket     on     a     day     that     very     much     so     warranted     its     calm     collective     in     usual     circumstances -- for     he'd     since     given     up     the     niceties     of     every     day     conversation.           staring     is     no     longer     rude,      it     is     simply     a     right.           just     as     the     coffee     that     seeps     around     the     curves     of     her     knuckles     is     her     right     to     spill.           he     wonders     when     the     hell     she     stopped     drinking     it     without     10     pumps     of     caramel.           or     maybe     that     was     hannah.

“     I     know     you're     joking,     ”           a     hum,      a     whisper     above     the     pitter     patter,      leaning     forward     in     his     seat     and     bowling     his     wrists     into     his     own     lap,           “     but     I     think     mom's     trying     to     get     rid     of     me     anyway.     ”

it's     a     childish     accusation,      bred     of     instability     and     concern     and     a     mountain     of     guilt     that     he     was     still     standing     at     the     base     of,      scratching     the     back     of     his     head     with     blood     stained     nails     and     debating     if     he     should     climb     or     dig     himself     so     deep     into     a     hole     he     can't     even     see     the     snow     tips     anymore     anyway.           he     looks     her     in     the     eyes,      drowns     in     the     pools     of     unimpressed     nature     and     territories     her     judgement     with     the     guise     of     a     sheep     to     the     slaughter,      returns     his     gaze     to     her     shoulder.           “     next     month.      we'll     go     to     shitty     shops     and     i'll     say     you     look     fat     in     everything     and     you'll     tell     me     I'm     the     dumbest     motherfucker     on     the     planet.      it'll     be     fun.     ”

there's     effort,      a     give     and     take,      heaving     through     his     ribs     and     coming     out     as     something     akin     to     josh     before     all     the     stuff     of     horror     movies     became     a     soul     crushing     reality.      only     he's     still     staring     at     that     damn     shoulder---

Her shoulder doesn't ache when it rains, just when it snows.

“My parents don't know what to do with me either,” Emily scoffs. Someone kinder would remind Josh his parents have already lost two children, and would do whatever it takes to make sure they don't lose a third. It's a shame Emily learnt kindness backwards; that is, she learnt how to be unkind first. “This is probably more than they bargained for.” Nobody and nothing—not her parents, not the world—know what to do with her now.

Next month, Josh says, and Emily laughs. At the optimism of it, the uncertain certainty, at Josh. “If you call me fat, I'm doing much worse than calling you a dumb motherfucker.” To demonstrate, she kicks him under the table, boot-tip to shin. “I would not trust you with any of the bags by the way, so no, shopping is off the table. A movie would be better. I am in desperate need of entertainment.”

truthfully,      he     hadn't     realized     he     had     even     spoken     until     emily     was     barking     her     orders     and     reality     was     slamming     back     into     him     with     the     force     of     a     semi     truck     with     an     anxious     driver,           but     upon     lifting     his     head     and     sitting     up     on     the     old,      squeaking     park     bench,      he     could     feel     the     familiarity     of     their     dynamic     seeping     through     the     cracks     of     a     haphazard     brick     wall     he     didn't     remember     building.      guilt.      he     felt     it     next,      barreling     through     an     intersection     and     all     eight     wheels     skidding     against     the     ice.

“     shit--      sorry.     ”           he     mumbles,      kicks     himself     in     the     shin     with     an     opposing     boot,      tries     desperately     to     grasp     at     the     cliff     above     him     that     holds     all     the     answers     to     what     they     were     talking     about     previously.           “     uh,      god           (     …     )           which     state     has     the     most     streets     ?     ”

“That was pathetic, Hartley.” She sighs with fake disappointment, putting on an act suddenly, and for what? For him? The idea of it rankles. She doesn't owe him anything. “D minus. Next time come up with something better, or else you fail and you're never seeing me again.” And suddenly it's a game, one she imagines he won't care for winning, but for a second, she entertains the notion that this might be something he would fight for.

She frowns to herself. It's getting disgusting, how the anxiety writhes under her skin, tangling itself up in her gut, across her ribcage, over her heart. She used to be so sure of herself when all her friends were alive. Now there's just one left—one Chris-shaped mound of dirt between her and being truly alone.

God, this day continues to suck.

The barb almost makes her feel something. A dormant kind of rage she's suppressed for too long flickering to life briefly. High School Emily would've hissed. Today she leans over and eyes the perfume bottle, lips twisted into something that could be considered friendly on someone else's face. “Yeah, I don't wear cheap shit like that.” She leans back, waves her hand carelessly. “Not surprised you don't recognise Clive Christian,” she says, to the tune of: you plebeian.

dialogue prompts from deadly animals by marie tierney.

you smell of winter.

talking to you always makes me feel better.

it helps that i really like looking at you.

people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

don't flood us crying. i'm shit at swimming.

i'm always nice.

i hate when ____ looks at you like that.

who can we tell, if we can't tell ____?

does it make me a bad person to be glad ____ is gone?

i understand loyalty, but i understand self-preservation more.

you aren't a fan of children?

the exception to the rule is not the rule.

i'm just happy to look at you.

sometimes the apple falls miles from the tree.

_____ won't notice i'm gone.

i don't want to make you uncomfortable.

the male gaze carries weight. it can be felt everywhere it bounces and lingers.

i'm alright. have to be, don't i?

why are you being nice? people aren't nice, usually.

'nice' is not a word i would use to describe ____.

you don't seem surprised.

cruel shit happens everywhere.

good pups become bad dogs, if you're cruel to them.

this is too big for us.

don't send me back to bed without a cuddle.

doing good is very different from doing right.

it would be so easy to like you, but i don't want to.

you can't unsee what you see.

how do you know so much about ____?

you're older than you look on tv.

you're not alone. remember that.

i think i'll always miss it, in my way.

it's always shit that hits the fan, never chocolate.

how did you get those scars, if you don't mind me asking?

good manners are my weakness.

i come here to think.

does it still hurt?

how'd you get that bruise?

secrets are bad for children. they know how to keep them.

when we understand too much, we start making excuses.

human evil has nothing to do with satan and sinning.

i know you love me, in your way.

i have to be careful. i'm prone to jumping to conclusions.

it's hard to see the worst in someone who always shows you their best.

comfortably numb. like my favorite song.

i did so many things wrong, thinking i was doing right.

you want to blame me. you can, if you want.

you take whatever lessons you can learn from horror, and you move forward. there is no choice.

past trauma is like a predator: it waits until you're your most vulnerable, or your most happy, and then it pounces.

this isn’t who you are.

it’s hard to recognize hope, even when it’s right in front of us.

sounds like a terrible idea. i’m in. 

you, like, awakened something in me.

that girl’s like hanging out with a funeral.

places are easy to leave. it’s the people that are hard to leave behind.

i won’t prove them right. i won’t be the monster they think i am.

it feels like you’re kind of out of sync in your life.

it’s mushy, i don’t like it.

does anyone think about me as much as i think about them?

i know i feel too much. but isn’t that good, too? because i would do anything for the people that i love.

told you i’d survive.

love is a lot of things. safe isn’t one of them.

indifference is the best revenge.

sometimes i come here to cry.

maybe next time you just need to kiss someone who wants to kiss you back.

what if all your dreams come true and it’s still not enough?

god, i love the smell of air conditioning.

i wish i was like you. i wish i could just be a stone cold bitch and not care.

i matter. i should matter to you.

i didn’t make you anything that wasn’t in there already.

don’t you see? this is life or death.

you make my life worse. you make me worse. you’re the thing that i do when i want to hate myself.

all you do is lie to me.

this is why you broke up with me. i’m a crazy person.

once someone leaves, that’s it. that’s who they are.

not many people wanna be my friend right now. i’m not very popular.

i don’t know who i am without you. you changed my life, my life became about you.

i’m strong. i’ve had to get really strong.

kinda nice to know there’s a little bit of crazy going on around here that doesn’t involve us.

that’s what us lesbians do. we just stare at each other and nothing ever happens and we think about it forever.

i do not trust happiness. 

you know, i’ve been pretty independent my whole life.

you’re not the one i need to hear ‘sorry’ from.

it’s okay to fall apart a little.

your feelings can be a lot sometimes.

you are giving me panic attacks. what are you still doing here?

i could use a break from keeping you alive.

we are some shitty best friends.

you turn the page, and you don’t look back. you do better today than you did yesterday.

do you think we’ll ever be able to trust each other again?

i was the original leaver. i just came back.

he makes you feel bad about yourself, why would you spend any time with him?

the only person who doesn’t know how beautiful you are is you.

you know how i can come across as a weird asshole sometimes?

you’ve become more questions than answers for me.

you are the calmest thing i know.

why don’t you want happiness?

i’m your only friend.

you know, it just feels like we should be fucking.

also, you look really hot, by the way. 

you just seem so unapologetically you. like, in every way. where does that come from?

when i’m with you, i don’t feel sick to my stomach.

how do you do that? say out loud what i’m thinking? 

don’t ruin your life by being passive aggressive.

it’s like you’re lost.

you can’t rewrite the past.

i’m not happy here. and i don’t think you are, either.

now that i’ve met you, now that i know what it feels like to be in love with you, i cannot see spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

what do you do except follow me around?

you’re just drunk and you’re trying to hurt my feelings.

i always felt like nothing.

who needs food when you have love, right?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be in pain all day?

you’re clinging to me to make yourself feel better.

because of you, i finally know what it’s like to really want something, but it can’t just be you.

if we don’t break up now, i will continue to make you my whole world.

you better make us breaking up worth it. if you’re not gonna fight for us, at least fight for you.

if it weren’t for you, i’d still be locked in a life that wasn’t mine.

maybe we’ll be ready for each other in 10 years. 

next time you see me, it won’t be as friends.

you were hurting, and you lashed out, because that’s what you do.

i was so angry at you for leaving. i don’t want to feel like that anymore.

you want your revenge? or you want your people to live?

look at you. fighting is all you know.

i promise, i won’t slow you down. i’ll just keep you company.

you haven’t been happy about anything in a long time.

doing the right thing can kiss my ass.

nothing like a little pain to remind you you’re alive.

i didn’t bail on you. i came back.

i do hard things so you don’t have to. i know i’m a monster.

you turned me into the worst possible version of myself. 

the next time i see you, i’ll kill you. and that’s a promise.

i know you think you don’t deserve this, but you’re wrong.

i want you to get everything that you want.

i think i love you too. i tried to fight it. because, hello.

i thought about dying. like a lot. like, “okay, at least there’s that option.”

you overstep until people suffocate.

you are only ever going to hurt me.

you know who i am. i’m you. remember?

danger is supposed to come with warning signs.

i don’t like you nervous. it’s unsettling.

look, it’s you. it’s always gonna be you. and i know you love me too.

i know you better than anyone. you want all this, not me.

so that’s what we do now, we just run away when things get scary.