resilience.

I leave you in His care.

Its ok if you are.. I guess i should move on too if you really arent coming back. I just kept thinking youd make your way back- i really believed in us but it cant be one way. I cant do it alone. Thank you for everything and im so genuinely sorry for anything i did that caused pain or hurt in any way at all over the years and any turmoil or sadness you felt because of talking to me. I know I wasnt the best and reflecting back i realize how our circumstances and situation and choices caused both of us harm in different ways. For my part, im sorry. I learned a lot from you, thank you :) I wish u all the best in the whole world and that one day you find God and Islam and that Allah gives you peace and healing and lots of love and joy and clarity and wisdom and guidance. I will not wait any longer. I leave you in the care of God. If you chose to believe one day you know how to reach me. Take good care inc.

I miss him still.i want him here or I want him gone. Non existent in my heart and mind.

People live such big and extraordinary lives. My mind spirals in the 4 walls of this home. How do I propel myself forward?

I lost him... and. The purpose? The exuberance? The spark i had for life has gone as well. I know its fickle, naive, and futile to have attached so much of myself to this man. It wasnt an intentional decision- but alas, I suppose by not being intentional if was. My entire being grieves him. My body is slumped over without him. Its dramatic i know. I suppose it reveals a gaping large hole in me- me flaws are numerous but this illness in me was there far before he got here. I know i shouldn't have gotten as close as I did.. and yet part of it felt divine. Im sure it was alhamdulillah. How he showed up after an honest simple prayer. And so lord, I raise my hands again. Im tired lord. Im tired. Please.