residentevil657

Videos like this make me cry maybe it's because of my little side that it's more intensified because I'm sure everyone unless is being a kid. Every now and then

So i'm not, really feeling anything else that other people haven't i do think my little side makes it more intense though

But maybe my whole little side is a lle and it's just me getting emotional

But then I have moments that I cry, just because I can't be a little and do the things I want to do so maybe it is real

Watching videos like this though aslo it makes me think me getting older is going to be tough on me

Especially since I'll be 36 in 3 months and officially passed my prime i know it's silly, but I don't really think I got a fair chance

Of seeing what I could really do, you know pushing myself and stuff and I know that's, technically, my fault had nothing ever changed. And why i'm like this but just humor me for now

Sometimes I even cry to God wishing he'd let me know. Keep my strength in my testosterone and let me stay young as much as I can

just so I can actually do something with my life i also know though that I really shouldn't just talk to god just when I want stuff

I should really ask for him to help me. Have a better relationship with him. Be more patient, give me current strength. You know all that stuff

Stuff to where I can be closer to him and be more like him and not so sinful

And not to mention the loneliness and depression, that's always been there. I've had that now for like almost 16 years now it's just getting worse

But that's my fault, since I don't do anything and to change it, or if I find people that could actually help me or I could have friends or whatever you want to say or even have someone romantically

I ruin that too because I get too scared because push people away. And honestly, probably because of my mom, too

Just because I don't want to deal with that and having then meet my mom and basically getting the okay

Every time I talk to my mom about this stuff, I get really bad. Panic attacks or anxiety or whatever

So I just don't like dealing with it and I just suffer silently in my room,

Even though I do think I need someone to come rescue me or at least help me feel alive again

Because there was this one thing I really liked.That I really think is true for me

You need someone to love you before you can love yourself maybe too, you need that validation before you love yourself

I really think that's true.I haven't loved myself probably four almost 16 years so I do think that would help

Have someone get me out of the house and help me live a little

But then, when I talk to people, I don't really feel the connection.Anymore with anyone

I mean, I have, yeah felt some connections with some people, but I would never go anywhere probably because of me, obviously

I mean, I guess there was that 1 person I talked to recently where I basically told them everything basically my life story my trauma my past relationships

Oh, you have to basically get through my mom to be with me. And then they sent me this really heartfelt letter or message

And then I started getting comfortable and my little side came out and I was just trying to have fun and joke around

And they were like, you just want someone you can be little with for your fetish, you don't actually want to get to know me and you shouldn't, you know, do this without their consent. That's wrong

That's basically what they said, and they're probably right

I could see where they would think that, but I was just getting comfortable, and I didn't mean any harm by it

But I could see their point of view, because they just wanted to get to know the person and not just the little side of me, you know, so I get where they're coming from

It's still hurt, though I cried for about 2 days. Like really hard

And then I got over it

But I still think about it every now and then

Even so I still don't think I get good connections anymore after losing important people in my life. With people now

It's like my heart's trying to protect myself like it doesn't want to go through that horrible pain ever again

Because i'm still not the same, even though it's been 5 years since that happened

I think I'm forever changed by it.

A long time ago I did have someone. Say they really lost something special with me.With how loyal I am even after all these years

In the way, my heart still can't move on

And they were like this shows you who's willing to stay for the good and bad

And i'm like they did for a long time, and they just couldn't take it anymore because it was hurting them

So I don't blame them for leaving especially with all the crap you gotta go through to be with me just because of how I am

They need to focus on their happiness and their life too. Sometimes you gotta look people go even if you don't want to. So you can move forward and be happy in your life too

I need to take my own advice lol

But I get what was person is saying

But it's ultimately my fault that i'm like this, and that's why I'll probably die alone because i'm just too scared to actually do anything

And then I get so sad too, because, I don't put enough time with god

It's like I treat him like a second option, which is horrible like I just talk to him when I want something

And then when I have heartfelt conversations with god i mess up and sin it's like am all talk and none of it means anything

I just keep falling over and over again

And we're supposed to spread the word and tell people about about god i haven't been doing that much either

And when I do I always feel like, i'm not saying the right thing, or i'm saying it the wrong way, and I don't want to do that

I want them to know jesus the father and the holy spirit don't l and let them have a real relationship with him

I don't want to spread misinformation, you know?

And I also want to do good works and praise him and want to talk to about god and how great he is and everything

I mean jesus died for us for all our sins and it's thinks to him that we can go to heaven and be with the father

Because it's only through him that we get to be with the father

If that's not love where someone actually dies for you has all the sin of the world and dies for everyone

Just so you can go to heaven and be with the father and him and everyone else. Then I don't know what love is because that's true love right there

And then he even gave us the holy spirit, so he could guide us and be more like him. And have the holy spirit and the bible teach us You know

Like god gave us things to use. So we can still be with him, even though he went, he went back to heaven

He wanted to give us a good foundation. I saw that we could still learn and be more like him and have gim guide us and teach the world about him too

I have always scared that i'm saying the wrong things because

I want it.Tell people about the real god and the real jesus the good the bad and the ugly not just god loves you you know

Because yes, he does, but you also need to know about the bad and ugly too not just the good parts that's why I i always feel like i'm messing up when I talk about him

Because God, has done so much for us. We really don't deserve him. And he made us because he loves us.

To help tell people about them and just how amazing he is

I mean, did you see all the animals? He made and how beautiful the Earth is. And just the universe in general

If you really think about it, it's crazy how much he's done for us

God's amazing and yet he still died for us like, I said, if that isn't love, then I don't know what is like, I want to talk about all this. Not because I feel like I have to but because I want to

And that I shouldn't be ashamed of it, either and I shouldn't be afraid and that I should have hope

I need help with that too

You know, sometimes I wish God give me a hug. That's all I really want

Deep down sometimes I wish I could.Just go to heaven now

So all this pain and loneliness go away. And I would just feel love but then I would always get scared

That god would say, I never knew you because I never did the things out of love for him. And only did it because of fear or because i had to

So god please help me do things a lot of love for you.Not just because out of obligation, or because I have to

I mean, I know we, you know, have to be obedient and everything too. And do good works too, because that shows that

We know of you and believe in you

And it strengthens our connection with you and our walk with you but I also want to do it out of love, because I love you

And not just out of fear, I want to tell people about you.And love it i don't want to do it just because I have to or because i'm scared i want to do it because I love you

I also really need help on reading the bible.More

And just spending more time with you and bring to you. Just everything I guess

And help me not just keep praying about what I want. Help me pray for things like yeah, courage and strength and patience to have a better relationship with you you know, help me pray for things you want me to pray for or what I can do for you

Not just worldly desires not what I want.

It's just the loneliness gets so bad god the pain hurts so much

I just want someone physically here, you know, sometimes, but I know I just need to come to you when I get like this. So help me remember that

The loneliness really sucks though so does this pain but I know in our low times like this at these moments help us. Come back to you and be closer to you. And be stronger with you more than ever before

I just wish I could stop screwing stuff up god i'm so sick of being alone it's not even funny it hurt so much

But I know I'm the problem, so hopefully you could help me fix that to be better.

So that maybe you'll bless me with someone

And I won't be too scared to actually try it with them

I still wish I didn't screw up on the other two one being little too much

And the other not really giving them a chance because i'm too scared and I just don't want to deal with my mom and I just don't want to fight.I guess for the relationship

And the one I wanted to where I would actually try and talk to my mom and everything and actually have the relationship, be a real thing

I screwed up by it being a little too much and being too emotional and clingy and not being the more adult version of me too, sometimes

And then the other one, even though I got all these other chances with her, maybe over time

I still just got too scared and I couldn't pull the trigger maybe eventually I would've with tough love

Because I do think I was slowly coming around to actually doing it someday, maybe, but maybe i'm just lying to myself sometimes I do think I would of eventually, would of said yes to meeting her but again, maybe i'm just lying to myself

Maybe they just weren't for me

But the damage it did to me.Yeah

I know the only relationship I should focus on is you god

Sometimes I really wish you would bless me with someone and maybe you have and I just screwed it up because I have the problem and I need to realize that

And I need to do better and all that

Maybe they just were lessons, and they really weren't for me

I do hope you bless me god with someone that will actually stay

Even though i'm horrible even though i'm so difficult, I really do hope you blessed me with someone that would stay

I guess I need you to help heal my heart though. And move on from the previous relationships

I really do miss them though i hope you keep blessing their lives. And let them be happy

I'm so lonely god

It hurts so much please help take this pain away.