
if i look back, i am lost
almost home

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Janaina Medeiros
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Keni

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@residentevil657

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Kind of Ura-nage...
Matthew 19:26 NLT 26 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”
Massive Utsuri-Goshi!

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It's punk to be a good person 🦸🏻
July 3rd 2025
Videos like this make me cry maybe it's because of my little side that it's more intensified because I'm sure everyone unless is being a kid. Every now and then
So i'm not, really feeling anything else that other people haven't i do think my little side makes it more intense though
But maybe my whole little side is a lle and it's just me getting emotional
But then I have moments that I cry, just because I can't be a little and do the things I want to do so maybe it is real
Watching videos like this though aslo it makes me think me getting older is going to be tough on me
Especially since I'll be 36 in 3 months and officially passed my prime i know it's silly, but I don't really think I got a fair chance
Of seeing what I could really do, you know pushing myself and stuff and I know that's, technically, my fault had nothing ever changed. And why i'm like this but just humor me for now
Sometimes I even cry to God wishing he'd let me know. Keep my strength in my testosterone and let me stay young as much as I can
just so I can actually do something with my life i also know though that I really shouldn't just talk to god just when I want stuff
I should really ask for him to help me. Have a better relationship with him. Be more patient, give me current strength. You know all that stuff
Stuff to where I can be closer to him and be more like him and not so sinful
And not to mention the loneliness and depression, that's always been there. I've had that now for like almost 16 years now it's just getting worse
But that's my fault, since I don't do anything and to change it, or if I find people that could actually help me or I could have friends or whatever you want to say or even have someone romantically
I ruin that too because I get too scared because push people away. And honestly, probably because of my mom, too
Just because I don't want to deal with that and having then meet my mom and basically getting the okay
Every time I talk to my mom about this stuff, I get really bad. Panic attacks or anxiety or whatever
So I just don't like dealing with it and I just suffer silently in my room,
Even though I do think I need someone to come rescue me or at least help me feel alive again
Because there was this one thing I really liked.That I really think is true for me
You need someone to love you before you can love yourself maybe too, you need that validation before you love yourself
I really think that's true.I haven't loved myself probably four almost 16 years so I do think that would help
Have someone get me out of the house and help me live a little
But then, when I talk to people, I don't really feel the connection.Anymore with anyone
I mean, I have, yeah felt some connections with some people, but I would never go anywhere probably because of me, obviously
I mean, I guess there was that 1 person I talked to recently where I basically told them everything basically my life story my trauma my past relationships
Oh, you have to basically get through my mom to be with me. And then they sent me this really heartfelt letter or message
And then I started getting comfortable and my little side came out and I was just trying to have fun and joke around
And they were like, you just want someone you can be little with for your fetish, you don't actually want to get to know me and you shouldn't, you know, do this without their consent. That's wrong
That's basically what they said, and they're probably right
I could see where they would think that, but I was just getting comfortable, and I didn't mean any harm by it
But I could see their point of view, because they just wanted to get to know the person and not just the little side of me, you know, so I get where they're coming from
It's still hurt, though I cried for about 2 days. Like really hard
And then I got over it
But I still think about it every now and then
Even so I still don't think I get good connections anymore after losing important people in my life. With people now
It's like my heart's trying to protect myself like it doesn't want to go through that horrible pain ever again
Because i'm still not the same, even though it's been 5 years since that happened
I think I'm forever changed by it.
A long time ago I did have someone. Say they really lost something special with me.With how loyal I am even after all these years
In the way, my heart still can't move on
And they were like this shows you who's willing to stay for the good and bad
And i'm like they did for a long time, and they just couldn't take it anymore because it was hurting them
So I don't blame them for leaving especially with all the crap you gotta go through to be with me just because of how I am
They need to focus on their happiness and their life too. Sometimes you gotta look people go even if you don't want to. So you can move forward and be happy in your life too
I need to take my own advice lol
But I get what was person is saying
But it's ultimately my fault that i'm like this, and that's why I'll probably die alone because i'm just too scared to actually do anything
And then I get so sad too, because, I don't put enough time with god
It's like I treat him like a second option, which is horrible like I just talk to him when I want something
And then when I have heartfelt conversations with god i mess up and sin it's like am all talk and none of it means anything
I just keep falling over and over again
And we're supposed to spread the word and tell people about about god i haven't been doing that much either
And when I do I always feel like, i'm not saying the right thing, or i'm saying it the wrong way, and I don't want to do that
I want them to know jesus the father and the holy spirit don't l and let them have a real relationship with him
I don't want to spread misinformation, you know?
And I also want to do good works and praise him and want to talk to about god and how great he is and everything
I mean jesus died for us for all our sins and it's thinks to him that we can go to heaven and be with the father
Because it's only through him that we get to be with the father
If that's not love where someone actually dies for you has all the sin of the world and dies for everyone
Just so you can go to heaven and be with the father and him and everyone else. Then I don't know what love is because that's true love right there
And then he even gave us the holy spirit, so he could guide us and be more like him. And have the holy spirit and the bible teach us You know
Like god gave us things to use. So we can still be with him, even though he went, he went back to heaven
He wanted to give us a good foundation. I saw that we could still learn and be more like him and have gim guide us and teach the world about him too
I have always scared that i'm saying the wrong things because
I want it.Tell people about the real god and the real jesus the good the bad and the ugly not just god loves you you know
Because yes, he does, but you also need to know about the bad and ugly too not just the good parts that's why I i always feel like i'm messing up when I talk about him
Because God, has done so much for us. We really don't deserve him. And he made us because he loves us.
To help tell people about them and just how amazing he is
I mean, did you see all the animals? He made and how beautiful the Earth is. And just the universe in general
If you really think about it, it's crazy how much he's done for us
God's amazing and yet he still died for us like, I said, if that isn't love, then I don't know what is like, I want to talk about all this. Not because I feel like I have to but because I want to
And that I shouldn't be ashamed of it, either and I shouldn't be afraid and that I should have hope
I need help with that too
You know, sometimes I wish God give me a hug. That's all I really want
Deep down sometimes I wish I could.Just go to heaven now
So all this pain and loneliness go away. And I would just feel love but then I would always get scared
That god would say, I never knew you because I never did the things out of love for him. And only did it because of fear or because i had to
So god please help me do things a lot of love for you.Not just because out of obligation, or because I have to
I mean, I know we, you know, have to be obedient and everything too. And do good works too, because that shows that
We know of you and believe in you
And it strengthens our connection with you and our walk with you but I also want to do it out of love, because I love you
And not just out of fear, I want to tell people about you.And love it i don't want to do it just because I have to or because i'm scared i want to do it because I love you
I also really need help on reading the bible.More
And just spending more time with you and bring to you. Just everything I guess
And help me not just keep praying about what I want. Help me pray for things like yeah, courage and strength and patience to have a better relationship with you you know, help me pray for things you want me to pray for or what I can do for you
Not just worldly desires not what I want.
It's just the loneliness gets so bad god the pain hurts so much
I just want someone physically here, you know, sometimes, but I know I just need to come to you when I get like this. So help me remember that
The loneliness really sucks though so does this pain but I know in our low times like this at these moments help us. Come back to you and be closer to you. And be stronger with you more than ever before
I just wish I could stop screwing stuff up god i'm so sick of being alone it's not even funny it hurt so much
But I know I'm the problem, so hopefully you could help me fix that to be better.
So that maybe you'll bless me with someone
And I won't be too scared to actually try it with them
I still wish I didn't screw up on the other two one being little too much
And the other not really giving them a chance because i'm too scared and I just don't want to deal with my mom and I just don't want to fight.I guess for the relationship
And the one I wanted to where I would actually try and talk to my mom and everything and actually have the relationship, be a real thing
I screwed up by it being a little too much and being too emotional and clingy and not being the more adult version of me too, sometimes
And then the other one, even though I got all these other chances with her, maybe over time
I still just got too scared and I couldn't pull the trigger maybe eventually I would've with tough love
Because I do think I was slowly coming around to actually doing it someday, maybe, but maybe i'm just lying to myself sometimes I do think I would of eventually, would of said yes to meeting her but again, maybe i'm just lying to myself
Maybe they just weren't for me
But the damage it did to me.Yeah
I know the only relationship I should focus on is you god
Sometimes I really wish you would bless me with someone and maybe you have and I just screwed it up because I have the problem and I need to realize that
And I need to do better and all that
Maybe they just were lessons, and they really weren't for me
I do hope you bless me god with someone that will actually stay
Even though i'm horrible even though i'm so difficult, I really do hope you blessed me with someone that would stay
I guess I need you to help heal my heart though. And move on from the previous relationships
I really do miss them though i hope you keep blessing their lives. And let them be happy
I'm so lonely god
It hurts so much please help take this pain away.
Am so lonely i think i'm done it's hurting too much now aman
You look so cute in diapers, little one. Maybe mommy should just keep you in them forever, hm? 🥰
Love the way subby boys cling like a baby cub 🩷

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I’ve been thinking about taking my little on dates nonstop lately.
Imagine how cute it would be to take them to the zoo while they’re diapered and get them to tell mommy the name of all of the animals we see. Gently patting their diaper, as they excitedly try to guess what animal it is. My sweet, little thing wouldn’t even notice that they’ve wet their diaper because they’re too tiny to think about that ☺️.
Discreetly checking how wet their diaper is throughout the date and making them all blushy around everyone.. When their diapers full enough I’ll have no choice but to take them to the bathroom and put them in a fresh diaper and give them all the kisses in the world for being such a good baby!!
Ok tell me what shes saying. Best caption wins!
can some romantic shit happen to me please
Gouache judo fighters
Judo art
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