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I can't even put words in order anymore. Lol it's so bad. Like my mind crumpled up with so many bs promises. To just sit still without feeling anxious and regretting the past. Then build a new future like there is some kind of future when all i had is dumb i mean doom.

Fuck. I don't even know this phone is just as broken as me right now, all my downloaded songs had gone where? Where had it all gone? The years

The rainy season with fucking teary eyes promises that they will be here with me no matter what. Oh come on people always change, I scoff and then memories of teary eyes that sounds so good to be true it is too good to be true.

My stomach is killing me. Please just end me right now. I can't. Also my teeth. Probably if I lived in 6th centuries this dental pain will be the end of me. And I am good with that cause there's nothing better to do anymore, nothing will makes me better. My heart already full of bs from other people.

Where have you been? Where have everyone been? Is it really been 10 years. It's just so hard to fathom And gosh this language i wish i could write beautifully like all those novel I had read so much still i haven't mastered it that i can write with smart rhythemic sound which would absolutely sell, instead i just sound so dumb. Cause this not my language. Now even in Indonesia i will sound not as poetic as I used to be as I ditch those rhytmic indonesian literature long time ago. Funny, you think you already learn language just because it's easy languahe without complicated tenses like this one. Well maybe for colloquial purposes but I can assure you, the literature world is whole lot different. Just like in english, I haven't reach that rhyme shit, it's not easy but to just be able to understand things or read literature I can, producing it is different shit.

That's what happened when your head filled with words but you can't get it out from yourself. It's stuck, and poisoning your mind. It's like what is wrong with me, such bafooney and baloney. Lol

You know when you're old you feel prettier because now you have deeper insight about life (i hope) but your body scientifically less pretty ofc as time is a real bitch. But some people sadly they don't even feel prettier cause their never got the wisdom at all and wishing to be just young and love young people only and it's getting creepy. It's creepy because it's ugly or because they actually just stuck in their mental state of when they were just 20? Well we don't know for sure but that what expected upon us, as we older we get wiser but that's not the truth. The game of shit called love is the same just the body getting older and sicker.

Do you really need insight and wisdom if it makes you miserable? I mean being carefree and doesn't give a f attitude makes people less sad, and just young. Gosh idk how to put it.

When i was 15 i already feel like 50 so now that I am 30 (almost) i really felt like i am 80 years old and I didn't like it a bit. World sucks, and the people in it. Maybe some people less suck but just because they conceal their lies. When i found out about how they really are, it's all just ugly all the same. I am crying about the same old bullshit and i feel so ugly and sick.

There's always beautiful thing… Like my lost downloaded song just because my phone decidedto to wiped out everything?

Yes maybe the beautiful things already long gone. You know you can always make yourself feel beautiful

Yes back then I put lots of powder and dress myself nicely but that doesn't cut it anymore. I mean I don't even feel like to put up some powder lol. It's just brainwashing thing in this world, when you are white you should feel ashamed and wanted to be brown but if you are brown you should also be ashamed and wanted to be fair. Nothing makes you better. Unless you just stop listening to all bullshit

Even it's tempting, even when everyone doing that. That normality feels like and you're being the odd one out.

I am sick and still missing the time and people who had been long gone. I mean i missed their lies, not the fucking real ugly manipulative people they really are. Idk. Am I ugly too just because I can't stop ranting about the past because my future already sealed and it's shit.

What happened when you can't do anything. That's when people went insane, cause they feel scared and stuck in dead end.

Yep. That's it. It's all looping. Too much good times, people have become ungrateful and unhappy demanding never ending shot of quick "happiness" too much gloom days people have become bitch and went insane, longing for something that isn't real the idea of "happiness". And once they thought they found it but then they realized it's all just lies.

Nothing real. Yet I treasure it in my heart, just because I can't make better memories. Yet. Yet I hope.