Renjana Chandrakanta

Magang di Hangry was indeed the best 3 months she has ever experienced. Pertama kali balik lagi ke Jakarta setelah memutuskan pulang kampung di akhir 2024 lalu, buat magang sebagai KOL Specialist di Hangry. Untuk ukuran sudah lulus kuliah, cukup nekat sih sebenernya karena gak sesuai jurusan dan titlenya "internship". Digajinya pun hanya 100rb/hari. Mana cukup untuk hidup merantau di Jakarta Barat. Sebut Biel kecintaan. Ia yang baru menemukan motivasinya lagi setelah punya pacar yang kerja di Jakarta nekat mengusahakan segalanya. "Yang penting gak LDR dulu", begitu pikirnya kala itu. Bertahan di kosan yang sebenarnya kurang layak dan lingkungan yang gersang tetap dijabanin selagi dekat dengan kantor.

Di balik kehidupan kosan dan kehidupan pribadinya yang berantakan waktu itu, kehidupan magangnya super seru dan teman-temannya super asik. Biel merasa dirinya di fase itu sangat cantik dan hidup. Meskipun.. sering nangis karena stres mengatur keuangan, pontang-panting mencari pekerjaan, kelabakan mengatur jadwal pengiriman , dan.. percintaan yang tiba-tiba BERUBAH banget setelah udah nggak LDR lagi.

Life for her that time was.. life indeed. Bener-bener hidup yang susah didefinisikan karena memulai semuanya dari 0 lagi. Memulai chapter baru hidupnya di perantauan dari 0 (dengan pacar baru, pula!), freelance sana-sini, interview setiap hari, berusaha mengatur rasa sepi dan bingungnya sendirian. She is a tough woman, for real.

It's been a very long time not stopping by here. A lot of things happened in my adult life. Skill menulisku juga kayaknya sudah terkikis. Ternyata, terakhir aku update di sini adalah Februari tahun lalu. Amazed banget karena kebetulan aku baru ada kesempatan update lagi juga di Februari ini. Bisa pas banget gitu ya momennya?

Hari ini tanggal 12 Februari 2026, aku sedang puasa ganti sebelum jumat depan sudah Ramadhan. Kerjaanku lagi senggang karena atasan-atasan sedang bepergian, hingga suasana kantor tidak lagi tegang bagiku yang anak baru. Hari ini aku merayakan satu bulan aku bekerja di kantor baruku di IPB. Ga bisa aku sebutin detailnya karena takut terdeteksi di pencarian google hihi. 12 Januari lalu adalah hari pertamaku kerja di sini. Setelah sebulan, aku lumayan bisa beradaptasi walaupun masih kebingungan dengan alur pekerjaannya. Beda banget sama kantorku yang di startup dulu! Ini tuh kerjaanku kelima setelah lulus kuliah dalam kurun waktu 1 tahun 5 bulan. MasyaAllah.. walaupun aslinya morat-marit mencari peluang untuk menyambung hidup (real), tapi begitu menyadari selama lulus kuliah sampe sekarang aku hanya ada jeda nganggur 1 bulan itu rasanya selalu bersyukur. Hari ini juga, satu tahun yang lalu, aku pertama kali masuk kerja di Banjarmasin, di tempat kerja terlamaku sejauh ini. Kalau aja waktu itu aku ga resign dan ga pindah lagi ke Jakarta, aku mungkin sekarang udah jadi senior marcomm, udah naik gaji, dan udah bisa ambil cuti hihi. Alhamdulillahnya di tanggal yang sama alias hari ini, skenario aslinya adalah aku udah kerja full time lagi di tempat yang insyaAllah lebih baik dan udah sebulan di sini. Masya Allah. Aku selalu suka tanggal 12. Selain karena alasan kecil di atas, karena tanggal 12 adalah tanggal lahirku dan di ulang tahunku ke-23 kemarin, aku jadian sama pacarku hihihi. Sekarang aku punya pacar lagiii dong, hari ini udah 9 bulan. Banyak hal yang terjadi di hidupku selama 2025 kemarin. Pulang ke Banjarmasin, kerja di Duta Mall, full menyembuhkan diri dari kejadian traumatis di tahun 2024 sampai akhirnya aku jatuh cinta dan berbunga-bunga lagi sama orang yang dulu jadi pemeran figuran di kehidupan SMPku. Namanya Fahmy. Fahmy juga yang jadi motivasiku untuk balik lagi berkarir di Jabodetabek. And here i am today..

Barusan aku liat arsip memori di Instagram, dan ternyata 6 tahun lalu aku anak SMA yang lagi ke rumah Bapak Kepala Sekolah buat minta tanda tangan proposal lomba, 4 tahun yang lalu aku masih jadi anak kuliahan, lagi kuliah online di kosan sambil bantuin temen nugas. Beberapa hari setelah itu barulah aku dideketin mantanku. 2 tahun lalu aku nemenin temenku operasi, bolak-balik Rumah Sakit Siloam. 1 tahun lalu aku bikin vlog Day 1 & 2 Probation. What a life i've been living...

Oh iya, ada sedikit update tentang hal-hal traumatis di 2024 itu. Di awal Februari tadi, tiba-tiba temanku yang dulu menyakitiku mengirim email yang isinya permintaan maaf dan ajakan untuk berteman lagi. Pacarnya juga ngechat aku untuk nanya tentang masalah kami. Rasanya asam lambungku langsung naik karena entah kenapa momennya sangat pas karena sehari sebelumnya aku baru mengetahui fakta kalau ternyata temanku itu mengkhianatiku dengan cara membocorkan isi twitter privateku ke mantanku. Aku baru tahu hal itu 16 bulan setelah kejadian. Malam itu, aku relapse sejadi-jadinya. Sudah lama aku nggak relapse. Ternyata walaupun sudah hampir dua tahun, hal itu masih berdampak besar di aku. Aku nangis gak berhenti sampai mau muntah. Merasa bersalah dan merasa marah. Merasa sakit hati tak terbendung ke temanku itu. Merasa dibohongi beribu-ribu kali. Semua pertanyaan yang selama ini ada di benakku terjawab sudah. Sekarang aku jadi lebih mengerti POV dari pihak lain. The dots all connected and it all make sense.

Setelah membaca email yang dikirimnya, aku merasa lega sekaligus marah. Aku bingung harus bersikap apa. Aku lega karena dia merasa bersalah. Aku marah karena bagiku, permohonan maaf itu dibuat seolah-olah hanya untuk melegakan hatinya, bukan karena menyesal telah menyakitiku. Terbaca dari suratnya, ia belum sepenuhnya sadar hal apa yang membuatku memutuskan untuk tidak berteman lagi dengannya. Temanku itu menyampaikan cerita dari sudut pandangnya beserta perasaan-perasaannya, yang mana semuanya valid. Namun hal yang ia lakukan tidak dapat diterima olehku. Ada sedikit keegoisan yang aku rasakan di dalam tulisannya. Sebenernya kalau dipikir-pikir, inti dari permasalahan ini karena perasaan-perasaan yang tidak dikomunikasikan dengan baik ya. Untuk hal ini, aku belum membalas emailnya karena aku ngga tahu harus menyikapinya seperti apa. Aku takut dan gak siap masalah ini jadi lebih besar andaikata dia gak terima dengan hal-hal yang ingin aku sampaikan. Aku masih belum siap sepenuhnya untuk membicarakan hal-hal yang sangat menyakitiku. Namun, kabar baiknya, setelah mengetahui fakta dan menerima email tersebut, aku akhirnya bisa merasa "lepas" dari kejadian menyakitkan itu. Aku sudah tidak lagi merasa sebersalah itu. Aku sudah mulai tidak begitu terikat dengan masa laluku. Tapi, aku jadi bertanya-tanya lagi, kenapa baru tahu semuanya sekarang ya? Hahaha

"Time will tell, time will heal" ternyata benar ya.

Selain update mengenai hal tersebut, aku mau update juga kalau sejak Oktober 2025 kemarin, selepas dari acara pernikahannya Hana, aku merintis karir freelance-ku sebagai Wedding Content Creator. Alhamdulillah di bulan Desember kemarin full setiap weekend selalu ada job wedding. Lumayan banget untuk menopang hidupku selama semi nganggur di Jakarta akhir tahun lalu. Masa-masa desperate saat intern di Ha*gry dengan gaji 2 juta yang ga cukup untuk hidup di Jakarta Barat. Saat itu banyak banget waktu luangnya sampe bingung mau ngapain lagi dan terbatas ekonomi. Masih ikhtiar mencari pekerjaan sampai setiap minggu selalu ada interview dan bahkan sehari pernah dua kali interview. Allah bantu dengan freelance job yang lancar di setiap Sabtu/Minggu. MasyaAllah.

Aku bersyukur waktu itu bela-belain datang ke nikahannya Hana di Subang, bareng Fahmy dan Fawaz. Walaupun paginya sempat berdebat kecil dulu dengan mamaku, hehe. Aku ga nyangka niat baik untuk datang ke acara besarnya sahabatku membuka lebar pintu rezekiku dari arah yang benar-benar tidak kuduga. Kalau inget itu kadang suka merinding. Masya Allah.

Crazy how everything changes in a year.

Februari tahun lalu, banyak hal yang gua lakuin. Mulai dari skripsian, pindah ke kosan cimanggu, bolak-balik rumah sakit Siloam buat ngurusin Fanny, nginep bareng Abey dan Rani, ulang tahun Adam, perayaan hubungan yang ke 23 bulan, dan banyak hal lainnya.

Sementara di bulan yang sama di tahun ini, orang-orang yang mengisi hidup gue di Februari tahun lalu udah nggak ada lagi kecuali Fanny. Gue udah di rumah, baru keterima kerja, baru ngelewatin 3 minggu pertama kerja di pekerjaan kedua, menghabiskan bulan Februari yang isinya tiap hari cuma kerja kerja dan kerja. Satu-satunya hal yang sama antara Februari tahun ini dan tahun lalu adalah gue sama-sama ngurusin orang sakit. Tahun ini, gue ngurusin Mutia, kapten Fusia yang sempet pingsan di ruangan gue.

Apa lagi ya yang sama? Kebanyakan udah beda semua, termasuk cara gue merayakan ulang tahun Adam. Tahun ini gue cuma bisa doain dia. Gue sempet deactive instagram selama 4 hari buat menghindari hal-hal yang berpotensi bikin gue ketrigger. Perjalanan move onnya masih naik turun, tapi gue udah jauh dari kondisi gue berbulan-bulan yang lalu. Kadang gue ngerasa udah ikhlas tapi masih suka keinget. Kadang malah ngerasa ga mau ikhlas karena perasaan sedih, galau, dan semacamnya ini adalah satu-satunya hal yang masih bisa gua pegang tentang dia, karena kalau gue beneran lepas dan ikhlas, maka hidup gue udah beneran ga ada dianya lagi. Aduh gimana ya jelasinnya? Gapapa kan ya?

Relapse gue sekarang udah sebulan sekali (kayaknya dari akhir tahun lalu udah sebulan sekali juga sih). Jujur relapsenya banyak faktor sih. Karena dia udah nyerah sama hubungan kita, karena gue udah nyakitin dia (padahal dia juga nyakitin gue?), karena hal-hal yang R lakukan dan omongin ke Adam waktu R benci gue, karena kesalahan gue, karena takdir, dan banyak hal. Kadang gue oke-oke aja, kadang rasanya berat banget. Belum 100% sembuh tapi gue tetep berprogres (walaupun lambat yaaa!!! pls jangan salahin gue).

Banjarmasin, 29 Desember 2024.

So I just discovered this Conan Gray's song titled The Cut That Always Bleeds yesterday. I immediately think the song title would suit the life i'm about to write here.. it's enough to summarize how my second half of 2024 went.

Here I am now, at Fore Coffee, sipping a Pandan Latte—the one we once debated about. I recommended you to try Butterscotch when you went to Fore with your friends for the first time, but you ordered Pandan Latte instead. Little did I know that your random choice would become my favorite menu.

***

Sejujurnya, gua masih belum sepenuhnya siap buat nulis tentang ini. But here i force myself. I'll try to pour out what happened to me and i hope it won't hurt anyone who's reading it. Udah jadi semacam "tradisi" untuk gua berkabar di sini setiap selesainya satu chapter kehidupan. Tahun ini udah mau berakhir, dan gua mau menjalani 2025 tanpa terbelenggu perasaan- perasaan itu lagi.

A lot of things happened. It feels like January - August and September - December are two different life.

14 Juni mengakhiri chapter 8 untuk pulang kampung dalam rangka Idul Adha. Di Banjarmasin cuma 2 minggu, karena 27 Juni balik lagi ke Bogor. Memulai chapter 9 tepat satu hari sebelum Adam semhas. I did that for the sake of him. For the sake of love. He once brought up a conversation about how I never showed up at his important days (in this case, i was at home when he did the proposal seminar and he felt sad about it). I couldn't let him down. I wanted to attend his result seminar, though the event was very last-minute.

Well, it feels weird to write Adam's name nowadays, for he's not in my life anymore.

Little did I know that.. this chapter would be the last chapter with him in it. My boyfriend (feels strange to write this word today) for 2 and half a year, my favorite person, my bestfriend, my everyday that accompanied me throughout college, has now become a memory. It's still shocking me that my important person ternyata hanya jadi pemeran dalam chapter hidup gua semasa kuliah. I thought we're gonna be forever. I was so sure he was the one i'm gonna marry.

Turns out he's just another character in my previous chapter. The one that made a big impact on me, in a good and bad way.

Beberapa hari setelah Adam semhas itu, gua sama dia sempet break karena satu masalah besar yang bikin hubungan gua dan dia udah di ujung banget. I did a mistake that could classified as microcheating. It was the biggest problem in our relationship. Jauh sebelum itu, emang gua ngerasa hubungan kita lagi di kondisi yang sulit. Adam lagi ditekan dari berbagai arah. Gua ngerasa Adam lagi di fase jenuh, dan gua juga kurang lebih ngerasa gitu karena kita lagi ga bisa berbuat banyak dalam hubungan. Di momen-momen tersebut, ada temen gua yang confess ke gua. It honestly distracted my mind for i've never experienced things like this before.

Sampai ada waktu ketika Adam lagi nanya ke gua tentang apa yang gua rasain di chat, gua coba buat cerita tentang hal yang mengganggu pikiran gua itu, tapi gua salah pemilihan kata yang bikin Adam langsung marah besar tanpa mau denger penjelasan gua terlebih dahulu. Kita break sekitar 3 hari di awal Juli. Rasanya hancur banget.

3 Juli 2024, gua minta ketemu sama Adam. Gua nunggu di panggung cb, ditemenin Aul, tentunya sambil nangis-nangis karena Adam bener-bener marah dan ngata-ngatain gua. Dia bilang, keputusan dia buat udahan udah 98% bulat. Gua bilang, kalau mau putus, jangan lewat chat. Adam akhirnya jemput gua dan kita pergi ke Tomoro. Di sana kita duduk hadap-hadapan dan nangis berdua. Gua akhirnya punya kesempatan buat jelasin dan minta maaf secara langsung. Gua berusaha buat perjuangin 2%nya. It was felt like our last straw. Kita bahkan udah ngebahas urusan gono-gini setelah putus, kemungkinan ketemu di masa depan, closure dan lain hal. Gua kasih Adam "pohon harapan" dari pipe cleaner yang sebelumnya sempet gua bikin di kosan. Dia ga langsung ngasih gua jawaban, dia bilang, "yaudah ini nanti aja kita bahas lagi, udah sore" terus ngajak gua pulang. Di parkiran, di saat pikiran gua kalut karena mikir itu mungkin jadi hari terakhir gua ketemu Adam, dia buka jok motor dan ngeluarin setangkai mawar putih. Di momen itu, Adam ternyata mutusin buat kasih gua kesempatan dan mau coba buat lanjutin hubungan. Sejak saat itu, perasaan gua yang tadinya 100% naik berkali-kali lipat. Gua berusaha jadi pacar terbaik, ngejaga moodnya, lebih ngertiin dia, jadi lebih dewasa, lebih suportif, dan menghindari ribut-ribut kecil. Setelah itu, emang gua sama Adam ga pernah berantem lagi, tapi tiba-tiba tiga bulan setelah kejadian, di hari Jum'at pagi, he gave up on me. He gave up on us.

Hari Rabu tanggal 18 September, malemnya udah ribut kecil karena gua nanya-nanya tentang hari dia di saat dia lagi kecapean dan baru sampe rumah. Posisinya gua di Tangerang, udah kerja (baru dua minggu), dan Adam di rumah setelah ngasdos di Bogor. Adam tiba-tiba marahin gua karena kebanyakan nanya. Gua kaget karena kita udah lama nggak berantem, gua ngga terima digituin. Gua ngeyel dan ga langsung minta maaf. Gua tinggal tidur karena gua pikir, besok juga bakal balik kayak biasa lagi. Ternyata enggak. Besoknya, dia ga ngabarin gua seharian dan super duper cuek. Gua protes karena dicuekin. Gua pikir dia lagi ada masalah di kerjaan, gua protes karena ngerasa dia ngelampiasin emosinya ke gua yang gatau apa-apa. Kita ribut lagi. Malemnya, dia ngetik panjang yang mengarah ke putus pas gua udah tidur. Jam 2 malem gua kebangun, baca chat Adam dan ngga bisa tidur lagi. Gua bales dan gua tunggu sampai pagi, sampai Adam bangun, dan akhirnya kita bener-bener mengakhiri hubungan yang udah 2 tahun 6 bulan itu di hari Jum'at jam 8 pagi.

Alasannya karena dia lagi ngga sanggup menanggung orang lain selain dirinya sendiri, dan karena dia mau fokus sama dirinya sendiri kali ini. Ternyata belakangan ini, kehadiran gua di hidup dia sangat membebani. Gua terima diputusin, karena hal-hal yang dia jelaskan cukup masuk akal. Kondisinya yang ditekan dari segala sisi, dan keinginan dia untuk mengusahakan dirinya sendiri bikin gua ga sampai hati untuk masih menghalangi. Gua ga mau menghambat proses orang yang gua sayangi. Kita putus baik-baik. Gua nangis banyak-banyak.

Tapi 3 hari kemudian, tepat di tanggal jadian kita, dia cut off gua di hampir semua sosial media. Gua bingung kenapa gua tiba-tiba dicut off.. padahal.. chat dia terakhir ke gua adalah "i love you the most."

Gua ga sanggup untuk menahan sakit, gua akhirnya ngechat dia lagi. I begged him to come back to me once he's already in a good condition. But he said, "Kita udah selesai. Aku yang pergi."

Seminggu kemudian, akhirnya sampai ke telinga gue kalo Adam deket sama cewe lain, yang ternyata adik tingkat yang dia asdosin. Cewe yang dia ceritain di hari terakhir kita ketemu di Grand Metropolitan Mall Bekasi. Cewe yang namanya baru gua denger hari itu yang langsung dideskripsiin sebagai "Anak yang penampilannya Sumatera banget dan tomboy banget" dengan ekspresi Adam yang menunjukkan bahwa cewek itu bukan tipe dia banget, seolah-olah mau meyakinkan gua kalau gua ga perlu khawatir. Konteksnya waktu itu, Adam cerita kalau ada dua orang adik tingkatnya yang join badmin SMA dia, yang rela nyamperin ke Bekasi, satunya cowo yang pernah diceritsin lumayan deket sama dia, dan satu lagi cewe. Tanpa sempet gua tanya, Adam udah langsung deskripsiin cewe itu. Cewe yang ternyata jadi pacarnya selanjutnya.

2 weeks after break up, at a random coffee shop in Klender, i broke down in front of our friends. They gave me the closure that i need which he never did.

Then, i continued my life, struggling along the way.

Waktu itu, gua baru dua minggu kerja. That was my first job. I had to move to Tangerang, a city i never went to, which completely different with Bogor--the city i lived in. Rasanya kayak hidup gua lagi direset ulang ke setelan pabrik. Gua harus adaptasi ke seluruh aspek kehidupan. Lingkungan kosan, lingkungan pekerjaan, life after breakup, dan life after graduate. Sama sekali bukan hal yang mudah. Setiap hari selama tiga minggu, gua nangis dan nelpon ke rumah. Gua merasa sangat kesepian dan nggak terbiasa. Setiap ada kesempatan gua selalu pergi ke Bogor, meskipun harus melawan kenangan dan rasa trauma di seluruh tempat yang pernah gua dan Adam datangi. Bahkan nggak ada satu weekend pun yang gua nggak ke Bogor selama life after breakup kemarin. Desek-desekan di Stasiun Duri, perjalanan 2 jam setengah Tangerang - Bogor rela gua jabanin demi mendistraksi gua dari relapse. Sayangnya, "sesibuk" apapun gua, relapse tetep ga bisa dihindari. I lost myself through the process.

Di hari gua dan Adam wisuda, di hari itu juga gua terakhir kali ngeliat dia. Adam maju ke panggung waktu namanya dipanggil dan selebrasi. Setelah itu, gua ngga liat dia lagi. Malemnya, waktu gua kebangun dari tidur sore gua akibat kecapean, gua dapet banyak pesan dari temen-temen yang nanyain kabar gua dan ngirim screenshotan story Adam yang ngepublish cewenya untuk pertama kali. Literally gua baru buka mata, buka hp, kepencet notif, dan langsung liat foto itu. The moment it is official for another girl, it's over for me.

***

My breakup was a whole damn story. It tore myself apart and impacted every aspect of my life. I couldn't perform well on my probation. Along with the struggle in my job which was another story i couldn't share, this led me to anxious feeling i felt every morning before going to work. Well, i must say that having to live a life after breakup, life after graduate, and surviving your first job alone in a new city without anyone you barely know at the exact same time will have you crazy. I was so tired to put myself together every damn day, i need to go home and rest.

Saat gua sibuk mikirin alasan yang masuk akal untuk ga melanjutkan kontrak kerja gua dan mikirin gimana sebaiknya kalimatnya disusun, atasan gua ngirim surat pemberitahuan hasil probation. Yep, I was underperformed and didn't meet the qualification. Gua ga dilanjut but it was a relief. Gua lega banget dan memutuskan untuk pulang setelah probation gua selesai. But, going back home means ending the college chapter. University was already over. Going back home means putting away the life i built here. The Biel, relation i made, work opportunities, privilege of going everywhere by myself with Jabodetabek easy public transportation that i dont have in my hometown, dozens of chance to have a brighter future, and so on.

Gua punya opsi buat pulang dan istirahat, atau tetep lanjut di perantauan dengan pura-pura kuat sampai beneran kuat (fake it till we make it, they say). Gua memilih untuk pulang. It was a big decision I made for myself. A decision i haven't figure out yet whether it is right or not, but is the best for my condition.

***

Bulan November, gua pikir gua cuma tinggal fokus move on. Ternyata gua salah. Bulan itu gua tetep nangis-nangis, tapi udah bukan lagi tentang Adam. Bulan November gua cuma relapse dua kali. Kebanyakan nangisin pertemanan dan diri sendiri. Singkatnya, gua melakukan kesalahan besar. Gua melakukan kesalahan berturut-turut. Salah satunya, berpikir gua bisa menceritakan semua hal ke orang lain.

I did something that is totally wrong. I can't keep it to myself so I told my bestfriend only. Then i still can't stop thinking about it so i told Ka Okta. My bestfriend immediately says that what I did was wrong. I admitted my fault. Then it went fine, at least that's what i thought.

2 weeks went away, I was busy with my life, but i felt my bestfriends kinda avoiding me. Until I saw her tweet and instastory that later I know it was about me. I asked her what did I do wrong and did she still disappointed of me. She, at first, told that she was just tired. It didn't answer my question. I was confused what she was tired of. The next day, she sent me long texts confronting me. The trigger was my big fault which I did to other that I told her, she confronted about it, then about our personal beef. She brought up my relationship with my ex which i personally think she shouldn't have. She told me to stop making a pathetic stories about how painful my breakup was, when I have been an evil for someone too. She told me to stop acting as a victim in a story where i've been hurting, because i clearly did something awful too.

Then, she brought up my problem with my friends back in 2021 and accused me that it might be because i have some issues with myself that my problems were all about friendship, which again, i thought she shouldn't have said that. She said she lost her respect towards me, and that there's definetely something in me i have to fix, and that I need to see a professional.

I couldn't reply to her messages. I broke down, alone, without telling anyone. I don't even know what emotion i felt that moment. It's a mixed feelings. Awful, guilty, sad, mad, hurt, shock, and betrayed.

The next day, she texted me again. Apologized for saying things that she surely know would hurt me, but was all she said she needs to say. She summarized things i can do to improve myself.

I still couldn't bring myself to reply to her text, for i've cried painfully thinking i really do have problems with myself. It broke me down that i thought i have changed and becoming the better version of me when in reality i am still a terrible person for my closest ones.

Another 2 weeks went away, i was still trying to manage myself after that day. I was still processing her words and my feelings. I planned to reply the text when i was ready. But then, i accidentally saw our friends' instastory, sarcastically imply to the same thing I did that only my bestfriend knew. I dont know who she (our mutual friend) was implying to. It might be me, it might be someone else. I immediately shocked and thought it was about me. Maybe my bestfriend have told her, since the three of us is in a same friend group.

I remain silent. The next day, i woke up to find a screenshot of my ex talking to my other friend (which knows nothing about this), accusing me that i was cheating. That is something new i never heard coming out from his mouth before. Even our breakup wasn't because of him cheating or me cheating. I was madly shocked and madly mad. I thought of my bestfriend immediately. She's the one who knows everything. She's one of two person I told about my fault (which again, has nothing to do with my ex). She might have talked to my ex too.

I feel betrayed. I know i was wrong. I appreciate her as my bestfriend to confront me when i was wrong. I can accept what she felt towards me, but it just dont sits right with me that after 2 weeks she still madly annoyed of me and chosed to talk about me to our friends and my ex. But again, i remain silent.

The next day, i woke up feeling heartbroken. I finally replied to her text with all emotions. I asked her, did she talked to my ex and she admitted. She did talked to my ex, but not about my big fault. She asked my ex about his point of view towards our breakup. She said she didn't wan't to see only bad things about my ex and didn't want to see only the good things about me just because she is my bestfriend. She needs to see objectively. She then talked about our personal beef in 2021-2022 that I myself never knew. She just went out of her boundaries.

I thanked her for caring about me. I apologized for what I did, I explained what I felt, we made things clear (at least for that day, i thought it was clear). I said to her that she was my important person but i had to lose her in this year. She apparently feel disappointed. I feel sad too. But i thought, it's time to choose myself. I could just ignore my feelings so that i won't lose my bestfriend. But i'd rather lose her than to lose myself again.

Well, its still a debatable topic in my brain, tho, whether i did the right thing to cut her off my life or not. There's a quote that said we have to remember people's kindness over their mistakes. I will always remember all the kind things she did to me all this time. And I have been a very people pleasure that i tend to do everything to make people stay. I dont wanna lose her. We've been friends for 12 years. She took a big part in my life especially during my college year. But, i dont want to force things anymore. She said she lost respect and that she has changed her mind about me. I guess I have to be brave enough to accept that she will be another character i have to lose in 2024, after my ex.

Days goes by, i woke up everyday feeling the same heartbroken even after she apologized. I can't accept the fact that she talked to my ex trying to see things about my breakup objectively just because she's been annoyed of me. Little did she know that her action just made the "things" I had with my ex that's already went bad, became even worse. Even until this day, i still consider my ex as a valuable part of my life and she made him hated me even more. I can't accept the fact that someone i used to love and loved me, now hated me even more and felt he did the right thing by cutting me off his life because even my bestfriends get annoyed of me.

I don't think i can forgive her in the near future. I don't know.

***

That friendship breakup made me sure about my decision to go home. I really need to take a rest. I booked a flight to Banjarmasin on 15th of December. This part of story should be titled "Leaving home to go home". I spent 10 days before my flight meeting as many people as I could and making as many memories as possible before I could hardly see them again.

***

Then, in Banjarmasin, i lost the work opportunity that i almost gotten. The opportunity in my hometown that I once had that made me even sure to go home. I almost had that dream job. It sadden me enough that it apparently wasn't for me. A week after, my mom lost her wallet along with the money inside. It forced our family to be extra frugal, we can barely go anywhere. The atmosphere in the house became uncomfortable as mom turned temperamental.

I barely do anything except helping my parents. I rarely go out as I dont have enough money to spend and friends to meet. Still looking for another way to rebuild my future as I rebuild myself in a house where i have to be a big sister to my siblings.

I can't believe when i write "Suddenly i'm 22 and life is about to begin" as my birthday post's caption this year, my life really just began. God completely reset my life after receiving my graduation certificate.

Those were all the painful things that happened to me recently. I knew i never be ready to write this but I forced myself so that I can leave it in 2024. I dont wanna hold this feelings anymore.

As we grow, we outgrow.

Just 2 more days living in a year where my ex and my bestfriend exists. I love them but I have to unwillingly leave them behind in 2024. Leaving him was my last act of love, and leaving her was my attempt to love myself. I saw a quote on TikTok which became my favorite, "i leave you in the care of Allah."

So, I leave my loved ones in the care of Allah.

***

ANYWAYYYY QUIT TALKING ABOUT THE BAD DAYS. Let me point out good things of this year that i am so grateful of:

Made it out alive! Survived all those hardships i wrote above.

Survived my thesis defense. It turns out to be my best day ever (July 26th). Feel so much love from my surroundings.

Made new friends that turned into family in Cimanggu

My 3 days short vacation with Rani and Abey that felt extremely joyful in February.

Got my first job in a prestigious place even before graduation.

Started to hang out with my old friends again and spent a lot of time with her (I talked about Laviona)

Went to a short vacation to Bandung with my JMP circle. I miss those days.

Went to Tasikmalaya to attend Ica's wedding with my old friends group. Take me back please.

Spent more time with my friends than i have last year

Accompanied my ex during his thesis defense day. I was a smart, pretty, and proud girlfriend that day.

Graduated from college and had my family attended.

Became friends again with my college crush that i once talked about in my old posts! Never thought i could befriend with him again. I was okay with the fact that we once knew each other and he wasn't in my life anymore. It happened a week before graduation. He apologized to me and asked about how my life went in 3 years of no-contact with him. We talked in a phone for so long, exchanging stories like we used to. We even took a picture together at graduation day. We hang out together with our friends. I finally experience things i wanted to happen back then. I now know what it felt like to be given a ride by him and going out for dinner with him. He's one of the reason i can feel happy during my life after breakup. He somewhat helped me to move on. We are now a good friend. No special things after.

Became close to Alifia, a person i never thought of being close with, who was at first Adam's friend. She considered me as her close friend and she even took me to the airport. I appreciate her so much.

Karaoke day and Margo day with Aul and Elwina

Shopping with Shahrani and Jacob day with her and Aul

Went to Bukit Batu with Ijul and Widya

Showed up at every of my group friend's thesis defense day. We survived college together! Shout out to Ocha, Qaani, Rai, Layla, Adin, and Ima.

Having Salsa and Didil by my side

My conversation with Salsa Hanim

And so on!

By counting things i'm grateful of in my previous chapter when i'm already in my hometown, reminds me of a quote i found in TikToK:

You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.

Chapter ini merupakan periode Bogor journey tersingkat dalam hidupku. Hanya 51 hari sejak kembali dari mudik Idul Fitri dan berakhir tiga hari sebelum Idul Adha. Sebagai anak rantau, tentu aku merasa betapa dipulangkan setiap lebaran merupakan sebuah privilege yang nggak semua orang bisa. Sebagai mahasiswi semester akhir, tentu saja lebih nyaman di perantauan meski semi pengangguran. Masih ingin menikmati masa-masa terakhir jadi anak kuliahan, masih ingin fokus mengurus skripsi dan diri sendiri.

Di chapter ini, kumulai dengan seminar hasil pada 26 April sebagai orang ketiga di angkatan yang melaksanakannya. Kemudian nganggur selama hampir dua bulan hingga rutin menghadiri seminar-seminar teman sebagai persyaratan sidang. Pertengahan chapter, ulang tahunku dirayakan oleh diriku sendiri dan teman-temanku. Aku menginjak usia dua puluh dua. Wow, usia yang dewasa, ya?

Meski berjalan begitu singkat, chapter ini lumayan menguras energi karena terlibat drama pertemanan di kos yang membuatku kabur-kaburan selama beberapa hari dan bertengkar hebat sejumlah tiga kali dengan pacarku. Pertengkaran yang begitu besar yang dipicu berbagai macam perasaan terpendam serta kondisi yang menekan yang membuat hubunganku dengan Adam hampir kandas di bulan Mei lalu. Namun, bersyukur kami masih dapat mengusahakanya dan sampai kini masih bersama.

Tentu saja ada hal yang beda setelah pertengkaran tersebut. Harus beradaptasi dengan kondisi baru dari hubungan mengikuti alur hidup yang fluktuatif. We called it as.. adulting. My relationship has been really hard lately but i'm super relieved that we still manage to make it work.

Di penghujung bulan Mei hingga chapter ini berakhir, aku menemukan warna baru yang terasa familiar. Aku mulai dekat dengan anak-anak Poltrada Bali yang sedang PKL dan mengontrak di kosanku. Berteman dengan mereka mengingatkanku dengan pertemanan yang kujalin di JPTB 2019. Rasanya seperti sedang berada di event nasional dan akan berpisah dengan teman-teman luar daerah yang baru dekat di akhir-akhir acara. Apalagi semenjak pacaran, aku sudah tidak punya teman dekat lawan jenis yang berinteraksi setiap hari. Somehow i felt like i was being a pick-me main character, but it is what it is. Being close to them was truly something. They added new colour to my college life. It feels familiar yet still new.

Banjarmasin, 16 Juni 2024.

Life's been good.

This morning i saw a tiktok video where a girl told the public that her therapist said if your first 2 years of college is worse, then the next 2 years will be amazing or vice versa. I agree.

Here i am, sitting in my sister's room writing about how amazing my last 2 years of college starting from 2022. Spesifically in the chapter 7.

In this chapter, i came back to Bogor in July 2023 for a skill competency test after finishing my first internship. It was a rough week but I passed. I started to join my friend group from freshman year that I've been avoiding in 2021, we studied together, we even `idid sleepover.

Starting from August, I did my second internship for another 6 months in Jakarta. I met Mba Sheryl and Natasya that moment.

In the end of 2023, I met Salma, my JPTB group friend from Klaten. I got to have quality time with Halida, my highschool chairmate, and Ina, my highschool bestfriend the other day. I hung out with Daffa and Qaani too, my Magfood buddies. What feels more magical is i got the chance to meet Sandra, my long-lost childhood friend for the first time after dozen years.

I moved to Bogor after finishing the internship. I moved in to a new house with a girl from my major that I've never befriend with. It happened randomly and we clicked well.

In the end of February, I took Rani to Jakarta. There, we met Abey for the first time. Yes, its the Rani and Abey I talked about in my blog post when I was a child. The Amanda Atma Pamabel and the Amalia Maharani Izzati. We didn't plan to spend 3 days together but we did. It was purely the happiest moment after a long time. I got to introduce my boyfriend to my long distance bestfriend too.

At the beginning of March, me and my college group friend went to Bandung for vacation. It happened spontaneously with short time of preparation. Lots of fun and good picts.

Ramadhan comes, me and my kostmate named Putri (the girl from my major) decided to sell food in front of the house. I provide pudding i made myself and donut. I started small business too with Qaani and Adin (selling donuts) to earn money.

I begin to do sports like yoga, running, and badminton. Me and my boyfriend started to be invited for badminton together with my JMP friends. Now, Adam and I have been together for 2 years, we celebrate our 2nd anniversary right in 23rd of March with Nasi Kandar, chocolate drink, and deep talk at Bhumi. That night was my last night in Bogor chapter 7 before heading to Banjarmasin the next day.

Last, I finally got my dream phone and feel the love my parents gave me. My siblings welcomed me cheerfully.

By coming back home, I have officially closed the 7th chapter of my college life. Next month, i will go back for my thesis seminar (i'm on my final semester and doing skripsi) and the graduation preparation. I guess next chapter will be my last chapter of uni.

rasanya seperti ingin bilang, "selamat datang" dan "kuat-kuat ya", seperti tergambar segala dilema yang akan dihadapinya, seperti memprediksi dunianya akan berisi tangis dan tawa walau tak tahu lebih banyak yang mana. rasanya seperti ingin memperdengarkan lagu "You're On Your Own, Kid" kepadanya dan seluruh dunia, agar semua orang tahu bahwa dua gadis ini tengah berjuang dan tolong jangan macam-macam padanya.

tentu saja dengan topik utama: apa saja pengalaman pertama yang telah dicoba, bagaimana kehidupan di perantauan telah membentuk mereka, serta perbandingan dengan kota asal yang bagai tanah dan langit jauhnya.

Hari ini hari pertamaku melakukan adegan dewasa berikut ini:

Mulai menyusun draft proposal kolokium

Membuat akun glints

Scroll linkedin

Niat ingin skripsian sambil apply kerja

Main game

Interaksi via telepon dengan teman

Mengizinkan pacar membonceng teman perempuannya

Bercengkrama dengan keluarga

i have now grown into a young adult who's afraid to voice my anger and ended up holding a grudge.

i am still a complicated story-teller. i tell every detail of the story, even the most unimportant one. i have to make sure everyone understands the situation and my point of view, so they will not judge me.

i am ambitious, but also lazy. i am strong, but also a crybaby. i am a yellow personality.

i know the reasons behind my character. i know the trauma that shaped me. i know the trauma-giver for each of mine. i know why i respond to something the way i did. i know who built the bad side of me.

Hari ini 20 Juli 2023, alias hari kedua belas sejak aku kembali lagi (untuk ketujuh kalinya selama kuliah) ke kota ini menjalani serangkaian uji kompetensi sebagai mahasiswa tingkat akhir. Ujian yang menakutkan dan melelahkan tapi juga jadi kenangan.

Sejak datang ke Bogor tanggal 8 lalu, hari-hariku langsung diisi oleh teman. Sudah lima kali aku tidur menginap bersama teman. Hampir setiap hari aku unggah story foto bersama teman. Aneh, tiba-tiba saja hidupku dikelilingi teman.

Keberanianku magang di Jakarta selama 6 bulan bersama seorang teman dari sirkelku yang sebelumnya tidak dekat secara personal dan sempat jauh karena suatu masalah membawaku kembali lagi bersosialisasi dengan teman-teman sirkel yang lain. Berinteraksi lagi, ikut berkumpul bersama, belajar, bahkan menginap dengan mereka lagi adalah hal yang aku pikir nggak akan aku lalui di sisa waktu kuliah ini. Saking senangnya, hanya berinteraksi dengan seorang dari mereka yang sudah lama nggak pernah bicara bisa membuat moodku jadi ceria.

Rasanya senang bisa melawan canggung dan gengsi. Bisa "diterima" kembali, punya tempat untuk didatangi setelah keluar ruang ujian, dan bisa kembali punya kelompok teman yang mengajak foto selesai ujian, alias nggak langsung pulang setelah foto angkatan.

Senang dan bersyukur adalah dua kata yang paling cocok menggambarkan perasaanku. Sudah nggak menggebu-gebu seperti dulu, nggak "sesayang itu" yang disertai harapan agar lengket terus denganku. Sekarang sudah bisa berdamai dengan karakter burukku dan masa lalu. Sudah mulai mengerti karakter masing-masing teman yang tidak bisa dipaksakan. Sudah belajar dari kesalahan.