ren

When he walked into his boss’ office that morning, he had every intention of just handing in his resignation letter, but Imada convinced him to sit down and talk. And, an hour later, they were still talking, and Imada was now offering him an even bigger salary in an even bigger role. He had just been promoted a few years ago, and he wasn’t expecting such a big promotion any time soon. Sure, his numbers were good – great, even – but his company was infamous for taking long times to promote people to higher positions.

It would be dumb of him to say no. The position would be perfect for him. The salary would be amazing. So why was he considering saying no?

Right. Yuki.

“I... need some time to think about it,” he said. “But I appreciate the offer immensely . ”

As Choso sat at the Komorebi Café that night after work, he pondered his life. He had a good job with a stable income. A nice apartment. A big savings account. But what was he saving for?

He could’ve married Hitomi. Used his savings on a wedding and to buy a house. But he didn’t, because he didn’t want to marry Hitomi. He couldn’t picture himself marrying Saki, his girlfriend from college, either.

The only woman he could picture himself marrying was on the other side of the country. So, really, what was keeping him in Tokyo? Sure, he had a nice job, but he could find another in Sapporo—he was offered one in Sapporo. The counteroffer from his boss was good, and he would be stupid to pass on it, but maybe he would be stupid by staying in Tokyo when all he could see for his future was him dying alone on Skype with Yuki, who would’ve probably moved on to someone else.

Speaking of Skype, it was a Friday night, and neither had plans, so they agreed to video call that night. They talked—as in, Yuki rambled, and Choso listened—about all the latest drama; with her job, with her coworkers, with her family.

“Like, I’ll get married when I want to get married, you know? Yes, I’m thirty, but that doesn’t mean anything!” Yuki said, exasperated at her parents meddling in her life.

“Yeah, my parents are the same,” Choso nodded. “It’s grating, to say the least.”

“Right!” Yuki threw her arms in the air and puffed.

When she looked back at the camera, she went quiet for a few beats, the silence stretching between them as Choso frowned slightly at the sudden change of pace, and she bit her bottom lip.

 “I… I got a job offer for a Senior Project Manager for Retail Innovation for a big retail chain company. Big step up in responsibility and influence. Plus a good salary increase,” she said, though there was very little excitement in her voice.

“Oh my God, Yuki, congratulations—“

“It’s in Tokyo.”

Choso’s eyebrows arched immediately, his heartbeat raising slightly. He would’ve been more excited, but not with the way she announced it. Not when she wasn’t excited about it at all.

“It… It seems like an amazing opportunity, Yuki. But you seem… hesitant?”

She sighed, pulling her legs up on the chair and against her chest. “I am. It’s a lot of change if I accept it. Not just the job and the company. I’ve built a life here in Sapporo. I don’t know… Sapporo is a part of who I am. Tokyo is a part of who I was.”

“I get it. Moving would not be easy when your life is tethered to Sapporo. Coming back to Tokyo would bring up a lot of memories and cause a lot of change. You’ve spent your entire adult life in Sapporo, it’s normal for you to be hesitant about leaving all of that behind,” Choso said. “But you’ve always been great at adapting. This would be no different. Of course, I think I’m a little biased in the matter.”

“I know,” Yuki gave him a small smile before sighing again. “I’m worried that I’ve built this image of Tokyo in my head that is just not the reality. And I’m worried about starting over. It’s been so long since I’ve been there, what if it’s not the same?”

“It definitely won’t be the same. You grew up, and so did the Tokyo you knew. The Tokyo of your adult life won’t be the same as your childhood’s. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It could be the start of something new, something fresh,” Choso explained. “Plus, not all has changed. I’m still here.”

Yuki smiled again, and she looked down, her smile fading as she fiddled with the hem of her shirt until she finally looked back up at her screen. “Will… Will things be weird between us? If I move to Tokyo?”

That made Choso pause. The bond we have right now is something I wouldn’t trade for any ‘what-if’, she said last year. The bond they had—a friendship. Choso was well aware at that point that his feelings for Yuki went beyond that, and it felt like he was having deja vu as he pushed them away in order not to ruin their friendship once again.

“Our friendship has survived a lot, Yuki. Distance, silence, everything in between. I don’t think you moving back would change that. It might actually give us a chance to catch up properly, in person,” he said, though his feelings spoke differently. “There’s a coffee place I think you would like. I’d love to show it to you.”

Yuki nodded slightly, a small smile on her lips. “I’ll think about the offer. They gave me a week to reply. That’s enough time to think and overthink about all the pros and cons.”

Choso chuckles, running a hand through his still slightly damp hair from his earlier shower.

“It’s funny. I got a job offer in Sapporo, too, this week,” he told her.

“Really? But you didn’t really consider moving to Sapporo, did you? I mean, Tokyo is a lot better for your field, and there’s nothing really in Sapporo for you,” Yuki said.

There is you, Choso thought.

“I guess I’m not doing a great job at selling my city. Let me try again,” she cleared her throat. “Come to Sapporo, Choso, we can go to the Maruyama Park and go skiing in Mount Moiwa or go star-gazing at the Mout Okura Observatory.”

Choso chuckled, feeling his body temperature heat up at the thought of doing all those things with Yuki. “You drive a hard bargain.”

“What did you tell them, anyway?” Yuki asked, eating a piece of matcha Pocky.

“Well, the offer was tempting, but my boss matched it and actually offered to give me a promotion to Software Architect. I told her I would think about it, but…”

But if you’re coming here, there’s no reason for me to go there, was what he wanted to say.

“But I’ll probably accept the promotion,” was what he said instead.

“Yeah, good for you, you should do that,” Yuki nodded. “Isn’t it funny how these milestones always happen for us at the same time? The promotions, the job offers?”

Choso gulped. He had observed that before. He couldn’t phantom the meaning of it, but it was undeniable. Their lives were tethered to each other in a synchronized way neither could understand.

“It’s very curious,” he said.

“Anyway, tell me about your new tattoo,” Yuki changed the subject, and Choso smiled.

She still couldn’t stay on subject for long. Not that much had changed.

“It’s two koi fish, kind of like yin and tang, on my shoulder,” he explained.

He had gotten other tattoos throughout the years, finding some solace in permanently inking his body. He enjoyed the aesthetics of it, and he also enjoyed the little meanings he would conjure up for each tattoo.

Except for the black stripe on his face. That had no meaning other than him trying to prove to himself that he was still a person outside his job and major.

There was a snake and a ship’s wheel in his left arm and cherry blossoms on his right one. The ship’s wheel was supposed to mean a sense of direction and control over his destiny. The cherry blossoms were a reminder of the transient beauty of life. He had just gotten the koi fish—a symbol of perseverance and the courage to overcome obstacles—and he wanted to complete his sleeves in the next few years with similar tattoos to the ones he had already, as well as other tattoos on his body he had planned.

The meanings were mostly silly and extremely personal, and he didn’t think he needed meaning to get a tattoo, but he liked associating them with something or a moment in his life.

“Show me,” Yuki smiled.

Choso gave her a half-smile, unzipping his sweatshirt and shrugging it off his left shoulder, turning so Yuki could see it on camera.

“It looks amazing! And it’s on your left shoulder, too! Now we both got shoulder tattoos,” she said, making him smile more broadly.

“Do you want to get more tattoos someday?” Choso put his sweatshirt back on and adjusted himself.

“Mm, I don’t know. I like having just this one, for now,” she tapped her finger against her left shoulder blade and the coordinates that rested inked there.

“You don’t regret getting it, then? We were pretty young. I wouldn’t blame you,” Choso asked, biting his bottom lip.

Yuki smiled, tilting her head slightly. “No, I don’t regret it. Actually, it’s my favorite thing in my body. Every time I look at it in the mirror, I remember all the good times we had together. I guess I just never had that bond with someone else, not worth it enough to get it tattooed on my body.”

Choso’s cheeks flushed with the knowledge that, despite Yuki having been in two relationships since they started talking again, and who knows how many others in the time they were not talking, none of those people shared the connection with her that she had with Choso.

It made his heart beat faster, it made his palms sweat, it made his stomach flutter like that one night when they were ten, and she told him they would get married in the future. Protagonists get butterflies in their stomachs when thinking about their loved ones, was what made him realize he was in love with Yuki for the first time—twenty years ago.

And just like then, she still saw him as a friend. Just like then, he was too afraid of losing her friendship to make any actual moves to be with her.

So they went to sleep, each lying in bed with their laptops, talking until their eyelids closed, and spent the entire night on the video call, just sleeping with each other.

*

2016 | Thirty-one years old

Choso waited for Yuki at the train station with bated breath. He even considered printing one of those signs drivers use for their clients to locate them as a joke, but his printer ran out of ink that morning, and the Ms. Yuki Tsukumo turned into a gray and white mess.

When the train arrived and people started filtering out of it, Choso’s heartbeat could be heard from the other side of the station.

And there she was. Still the tall blonde girl he knew, but the person emerging from the train and seeing him wasn’t a girl—she was a woman. She was wearing a cropped black top with light-wash baggy denim pants and a black unzipped oversized sweatshirt hanging from her forearms as she dragged three large suitcases.

“Hey, Choso!” Yuki smiled and waved at him from across the platform.

Choso’s heart stopped for a second at the sight of Yuki, over a decade since they last saw each other in person, but he quickly went to her and grabbed two of the suitcases off her hands.

He was more than surprised, though, when she jumped into a hug, lacing her arms around his neck. Surprised and overwhelmed at the feeling of her so close to him, yet not about to miss out on the opportunity, Choso let go of the bags to hug Yuki back, wrapping his arms around her waist.

She was really there. Yuki had accepted the job in Tokyo and moved. She was really in Tokyo, and for good. He was hugging her, feeling her hug him. He could smell her perfume. Hear her breathing.

The hug must’ve lasted for a few seconds only, but it felt like an eternity to Choso, and he wished it had never ended. It felt as if time stood still for that moment, to let him relish in every little detail that he had forgotten about Yuki’s presence.

“That trip was so long, oh my God! I forgot how long it was,” Yuki huffed. “How are you? Sorry to wake you up so early on a Saturday.”

“I—“ Choso’s voice came out a lot more high-pitched than normal, so he cleared his throat. “I’m fine. And it’s no problem. I’m happy to help you, and I’m happy to see you as well.”

Yuki smiled, and that smile turned into a smirk. “All those years, and you’re still shorter than I am, huh? What did your doctor say again? That you would match my height when you turned nineteen or twenty?”

She playfully leaned her elbow on his shoulder to showcase their height difference. It wasn’t huge, but Yuki was still taller than him. And it was true—at some point during their teenage years, Choso was so insecure about being shorter than Yuki, even if he was tall by any standards, that he made his doctor promise he would match or surpass Yuki’s height at some point.

Safe to say that didn’t happen.

“All those years, and you’re still not letting that go,” he said.

“Well, how could I! I’ve been waiting for over a decade to make that joke,” Yuki chuckled, removing her elbow from his shoulder and grabbing her suitcase. “Let’s go, then. We have a full day ahead of us. The boxes should be arriving in an hour and a half.”

“Actually, there’s a place I want to show you first, the café I told you about,” Choso said and glanced at his watch. “Should be empty enough by now that we won’t be a hassle with the suitcases. It’s on the way to your apartment.”

“Lead the way, then,” Yuki gave him a big grin, and he smiled back.

They made their way to a cab and to the Komorebi Café, lugging the suitcases along the way. Yuki was too preoccupied with trying to roll her bag into the coffee shop to first notice it, but once she did and the door behind her closed, her eyes went round at the corners in awe.

“Wow. Komorebi, right? It does have that feeling,” Yuki said, regarding the meaning of the word for the sunlight filtering through leaves. “It’s beautiful, Choso. Do you come here often?”

He nodded. “Practically every day.”

Yuki smirked. “You bring all girls here, huh?”

“Well,” Choso chuckled. “You’re the first person I brought here, actually.”

The café always felt like a part of Yuki that had somehow been with Choso all those years since he found it. And then, taking her there, it felt like he was sharing a part of his world that had been silently waiting for her return.

“I feel so special,” Yuki said with a mocking tone. “Come on. Don’t lie. How long ago did you find this place?”

“About eight years ago. It was cold, and I needed a place to warm up and… just found it.”

“And in those eight years, you never brought anyone else here?” Yuki questioned and Choso shrugged. “What is wrong with you? You’re supposed to share a place you like so they won’t close! Especially in Tokyo.”

“They’re not going to close, they’re always full. Plus, I wanted to keep this one to myself,” Choso said.

“And to me, now, too,” Yuki said with a small smile.

Choso bit his bottom lip and nodded. “So, uh, the lattes are really good.”

They sat at a table next to a window that overlooked the street and the café, sharing pastries as they talked. Yuki told Choso all about her eight-hour trip adventure and how she wished she had chosen a car ride, but she knew that a car would be a waste of space and money in Tokyo.

As they finished their breakfast—with Yuki raving about how good the coffee and the pastries were and how this would be their spot from now on—they went to her new apartment to unpack the boxes that were just arriving, along with her suitcases.

The apartment was in Sangenjaya, not too far from Choso’s place in Shibuya. It was a one-bedroom with a spacious living area and a small open-concept kitchen. Large windows shed natural light on the still-bare space, but Choso already knew that, by the end of the day, Yuki would have the space looking and feeling like her. Like home.

And he was right. While he was more preoccupied with assembling her furniture, Yuki was decorating the spaces with various trinkets. The walls had art pieces she collected throughout the years, and her shelves were full of books.

It was late evening when they were done unpacking, and her apartment was starting to look like a home. Boxes were emptied, furniture was set. Choso and Yuki sat side by side on the floor, each finishing a beer as a reward for their hard work today.

“I can’t believe we actually did it. Thank you for helping me, Choso. I couldn’t have done it without you, that’s for sure,” Yuki said with an exhausted but happy sigh.

“Happy to help. It’s good to have you back in Tokyo, Yuki,” he said, looking at her.

She was really there. Not just a face on his screen or a picture next to her messages. Seeing her there, so close to him, reignited feelings that he had tried—and failed—for so long to compartmentalize.

“It’s been a long day. I’m not sure I’m ready to face tomorrow and start this new chapter. Feels strange. Like walking on eggshells. Don’t know when the next one will break,” Yuki sighed, taking another swing of her beer.

Walking on eggshells. He could definitely empathize with the feeling. Seems like that’s all he did around her. “You’ll do great, Yuki. You always do. And I’ll always be here if you, you know, need anything.”

She looked his way, their eyes connecting and a pregnant pause hanging in the air as they were both void of what to say or do next. The air was thick and charged with the possibilities of something more. Does he tell her now? How he had felt all those years? Put an end to this charade?

No, he couldn’t. They’ve finally found their way back to each other, even if it’s not exactly how he wanted it to happen. The weight of their past, the unresolved ‘what-ifs,’ and the fear of ruining their friendship when Yuki had just moved back to Tokyo all hung heavy on his shoulders as he cleared his throat and got up from the floor, offering her a hand to help her up.

“Rest up. You have a big day tomorrow. And remember, I’m just a call away,” Choso told her, going to the front door while Yuki followed him.

“Thank you, Choso. It means a lot, really,” she gave him a close-lipped smile.

They both stood at the door, but neither made a move to open it. The moment hangs thick in the air, all the unspoken feelings ringing and buzzing in Choso’s mind as neither of them makes a move to bridge the gap any further. It’s a dance they’ve perfected over the years—being close enough to be in each other’s lives yet careful not to cross the unspoken boundaries put in place by their decision to remain friends.

The bond we have right now is something I wouldn’t trade for any ‘what-if’, she said before, tracing the line in the sand.

The thought woke him up from his trance, and he tore his gaze from Yuki’s to turn around and face the door, turning the knob.

“Goodnight, Choso. And thank you for everything,” Yuki said as he stepped outside. In her grand stature, she looked and sounded incredibly small at that moment.

Was that how it would always be? Just friends, always a step or a move away from what he truly wanted? It’s better than losing her, but on that warm September night, it felt like a cold comfort.