fite me

some of the bullshit that’s come out of his mouth between my Medieval History and Western Civ 1 transcribed into RP sentence meme form. have a party with it, change pronouns as you need to.

"You shouldn’t walk through fire. That’s why God made it so hot.”

“Well, I’m ___, so of course I need a GIANT GUN.”

“I don’t care what fancy magic armor you wear, if a fat man with no pants hits you with a cleaver, you’re dead.”

“He’s like a walking encyclopedia of useless shit.”

“___ scared the shit out of everyone back in the day. That’s something that hasn’t changed.”

“And it was at that moment I realized there would be no peace.”

“YOU’RE THE SHIT!”

“At my age, the only thing that scares me is an IRS tax audit.”

“You can’t even get me to walk up a block to get a sandwich.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun! Do it for Jesus!” 

“This is one thing Europe is good at. Exporting violence.”

“I’m sorry, I find it a little hard to believe that a bunch of guys smoking hash can attack anything. Unless it’s like, a pie.”

“One crossbow bolt later and I learned that toothpaste makes excellent makeshift wall Spackle.”

“The question isn’t why or how it could fall, the question is how did it last that long.”

“If you haven’t seen a breast yet you need to get out of the house.”

“First thing’s first, I’m kind of an asshole.”

“And that’s why my girlfriend doesn’t take me out to nice places anymore. Which is good, because I didn’t want to go in the first place.”

“Moral of the story? When something isn’t yours, you treat it like shit.” 

“I like woodchucks. They’re the fat kids of the forest.”

“When the wind blows it’s like Satan’s hairdryer.”

“This cognac's so expensive it’d be cheaper for me to do crack.”

“It’s like you know what they’re saying but you’re having a stroke.”

“No one likes you when you sleep with their wives and husbands and children.”

“Don’t do that. You’ll get warm. Then you’ll get sleepy. Then you’ll get dead.”

“This war takes fucking FOREVER.”

“It’s like going on a road-trip with Stalin. Like, there are fun times, where you’re in Vegas and drinking together, but then you’re digging your own grave in the desert because he thinks you cheated at blackjack.”

“He’s pretty much his sugar daddy.”

“Children are like little drunk people.”

“If you’re going to go all the way to another country and then still eat McDonald’s, you’re kind of an asshole.”

“How many prostitutes can you put in a boat? Let’s find out!” 

“I say it’s a dead dog story, but I promise there’s a funny ending.”

“It’s like crack, if crack was cheese.”

“Picture a Playboy mansion gone wrong.”

“It’s like living in some bizarre fantasy porno.”

“He smells like something from the X-Files.”

“There are a lot of ways to die, but not many quite as stylish.”

“Why? Aesthetic.”

“If you’re looking for a back tattoo this is the one you want.”