Relax, Portland

In HELL we'll still drink Tazo after those traitors cross state lines!

Do you have an overpriced-because-it's-ironic shitty plastic camera and access to trees? YOU could be the next unpaid art director for Portugal. The Man! Hell, cut the hassle and use Instagram.

Everyone knows that jaywalking is only OK when you're the pedestrian. Except Portlanders. Are you seriously stopping for me in the middle of a four-lane road so I can cross a half block closer to my destination? I'm not sure what compels drivers to smile and wave at the audacious low-lifes who cross wherever they please and add 30,000 milliseconds to everyone else's commute. I can only guess that these guardian angels of the choose-your-own crosswalks are aiming to build positive self-fulfillment, but isn't that what raising urban chickens is for? So just relax, easygoing Portland drivers, and tell me to "Use a fucking crosswalk dumbass!" like a normal person.

"I bought a used bike at the community bike store on Alberta today!"

- Adult dodge-ball poor sport

I've never met a soul in Portland who hated Groupon. I was sure that a love for bargain hunting was the only thing I had in common with these people.

The "Tuesday" this article is referring to is pictured below: