messily written

“ some nights i can’t breathe my heart feels as if it’s been through a shredder and my eyes couldn’t stop running and my nose was still winning and yet the feeling of my hands still shake and my body still floats from such a pure beautiful form of infatuation and an appreciation of the arts and the universe in general my lungs they sink within the sea and my eyes lay half open half waiting for you at all times I don’t know how to exnapin except I have to say it does hurt for now my heart is hurt by the lack of you within my life my being is in pain because of the lack of love in my life and some nights it feels like I could be dying without you. It hurts so bad. Where are you? Are you within my heart stings? Are you following my wave length? Are you going to come to your fucking senses?? Why would you do this why would do this??? I fucking ducking I care so much I wish I didn’t I don’t want to it isn’t fair I can’t breathe. I can’t ducking breathe.”

I’ve forgotten how to live I think, I don’t know how to eat or sleep. my head hurts all the time and I can only draw your eyes and it makes me sad. july is almost over. emma is back and I love her, but I love her so much it scares me. cause I don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me as much as I love them. im just fucked up and I know that but I don’t know that enough, I wouldn’t want to start a fight about love. the lack of love is what hurts, not the love itself. it’s hard to explain. I just love her and I’m so happy i’ve been in her company for almost two years. the only red light that’s stopping me is the one saying I’m not good enough, the one saying I’m too fucked up. I’ve been working out, I denied the dob, I’m doing what is healthy for me. I haven’t cut myself in a very long time. I haven’t done hard drugs in a very long time and I don’t plan to. I am trying to grow, I just don’t remember how to eat or sleep. Hopefully that changes cause I am tired and I don’t want to wake up starved. 

I avoid the shade cause I haven't felt your heat in so long I stare at my feet until my toes turn pink I've been waiting so long I think the sun is down now my skin aches and the moon shines where is time? Is he passing by? Is he here to stay? Sometimes I pick flowers and watch them die It reminds me that beauty doesn't have to be alive That beauty doesn't have to try to stay Does it stay? Sometimes It's okay I know it's not your fault I never pick those yellow flowers from across the street Cause they remind me of you And I want them to live even if they're where I can't touch them they're still beautiful I pass them by without saying goodbye Just like you did that time The sun is up again which means it's time for me to burn my skin doesn't hurt anymore it doesn't feel good but it doesn't burn, I don't think that's the sun Please I don't think that's the sun How can I see without my eyes? How can I breathe without my lungs? How can I love without my heart? How can you live without my love? I die sometimes Sometimes I miss you so much I can't eat sometimes I miss you so much I can't cry, I can't sleep Sometimes

At least the stars shine for the earth, and the sun shows she cares for the flowers to grow and the clouds try not to rain so hard. At least time will pass and I'll see it go by and I won't stop it but I'll be with it. One day I'll be with him. Although it does hurt, these roots stabbing into me, wiping the blood off of their trunks and onto other trees. And all I have are holes where you took things from me, and you're filled with love but you made me fucking bleed and all I have are your dead leaves. Are you still my tree? The earth talks to the stars and trees need to be allowed time to grow but you hurt me and the earth can see the land and the sea but you only see your own green. The sky isn't green. The sky was blue but now without time for the sun to rise it is grey. But at least, at least the earth can talk to the stars.

Have you ever wanted to ruin your own life so he couldn't just by not being here? I feel like I should be running but I don't know where I'm going. A subconscious is trying to destroy me cause it is afraid of losing someone it doesn't have. It is a reckless illness that is selfishly saying I need to do more. I have done so much. I guess I've always been addicted but you were the antidote but I wasn't yours. Let me be mine. Yet I'll destroy myself if I might never see your eyes again. I might never see your eyes again. Do you know how much that scares? You were the only thing I've ever been certain about. And I miss you more every day. I can't do this alone. I want to talk to you about everything I've ever felt and I want to hear every word you've never said. I want to know how ugly you've felt and show you how beautiful I think you are.

Naturally I yelled your name so you could hear me, you spoke mine mistakenly into the phone but it made me smile cause you didn't even know I was listening.

Is this a bad decision? I'm not going to know until I've already made it. How am I supposed to know anything? How is anyone ever going to know anyone? I'm not lost just confused and kind. I give chances upon chances but I can recognize the end. I don't know where I stand, nor where you are. I know that I want to be around you and I just, I don't trust anyone anymore, my mental state is dangerously calm. Telling me I could do coke again and be okay. Telling me that it's fine that it's not as bad as H. I know thats wrong and that's the addict in me but I want it. I want that superhero feeling. That nothing matters and I am on top of the world. You either get it or you don't. What were you doing? Are you waiting for me as well? I don't think you were, you don't know how timeless I am. Painfully timeless. Impatient yet I've waited my whole life and one look from you and it's all worth it. Where are your eyes? Who are you looking at? Did you find yourself yet? Do you know what you want yet? I don't. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I fucking miss you. And I didn't know I would ever be able to do that. You need to get a ticket to Mac Demarco and go with me. Or just come hang with me and your best friend. There's no one else for me. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same, but you hardly know who I am. If we just had a chance, and we've had five or so, nothing is ruined. I am Still Waiting. And i can't stop drawing you and I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for the world to be ready for us. Our world to be created. You and I to be together and explode upon the sky. We have created a universe, we will be the Big Bang. I need you to come on down, some time.

Someday! Where the one you watched the sun come up in his eyes, drowns in the hands of another girl. Hurt I watched him say her skin was soft but we both know that he was not mine.  

You make existing feel easy. You make everything seem natural. I'm sorry I shook so much cause now you're the only thing that seems still, the only thing that can keep me steady. I said I'd wait til May, I owe myself until May. It's just five days. I survived so much before this but these five days.

What was he doing? Was he waiting for me? was he waiting for himself? When are you coming back? I love it when you surprise me with the sight of you. How can you not text me back when I don't even have a phone. I'll wait until I'm waiting for something else.