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me coming back to tumblr now that twitter is fucked

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Sadgirl for life
cutthatcity:
Abandoned Childrenās Hospital, WeiĆensee, Berlin, August 2015
Edinburgh, Scotland š
More on xpeindremoi on instagram.

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No one and I mean no one fucking understand what it is to be a step mom. Let me start off dear friend I am not a mom. I never been one, I could have been one but I never been a mom to anyone biologically. Iām a step mom. Iām a stranger. Iām a nobody to these kids. I struggle already with anxiety and depression that I have been working on for 20 years. I was 8 when it all began, but thatās not the point the point is, is that I was struggling to better myself.
Then I met my kids dad. His and I were childhood sweethearts we went off in our own direction and he became a father of four and Me a college student drop out struggling to find her purpose in life. Me and my BF moved incredibly fast moving in together and then a year later, his kids are in the states custody. So it a matter of 48 hrs, the wreck I am became a mom. Now I never got a chance to give birth, I never changed a diaper, clipped nails, wiped someone elseās ass other than my own. Up until those 48hrs⦠I had to step up. (Mind you me and my man were already going through a rough patch)
It was a good start, then everyoneās true colors came out. Even mine, I never realized how impatient I am. I never realized how annoyed I get, I irritated I get, how much my heart rate fluctuates. Like damn Iām surprised I havenāt suffered a heart attack or stroke by now. (Sorry if that offends people) but I hyperventilate and have panic attacks probably 2-3 times a day.
I was treated as a nobody so I enter the relationship with his kids, as a nobody. Iām told, theyāre great loving kids , their so sweet and nice.
Bitch, where?
I get talked back, eyes rolled, yelling at me, fighting, messes, sassy ass attitudes more than I get an I love you. Shit, I NEVER.. heard I love you.
Why am I the bad guy? Why does my man think I make this about me? What do I have to do with ANY of the shit going on with the way they treat me? Like wtf did I do to deserve this but if anger?
Like Iām mad I get disrespected in MY HOUSE? my house? Would yāall allow anyone to disrespect you in your house every single fucking day. From morning to night? All you get is disrespect. Letās hope and pray they wake up in a good mood because that sets my mood. Iām sooooo big on following peoples energy of your ugly and mean, I will make sure you wonāt come for me because I will be uglier and meaner. If you give me attitude I will reply back with attitude. If you RESPECT me, then I will REPECT you back.
Like what am I doing wrong? Please MOMs out there, adoptive moms out there, foster moms, Forster kids ANYONE who understands mixed homes pleeeeeease tell me what am I doing wrong?
I cook for them, I clean their rooms, I do their laundry, I take them to school, I help them with homework, I buy their clothes, I settle all the fights and crying and whining. I get to deal with the attitudes and disrespect and have to tolerate it. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? I donāt say I love you because they never showed me affection Iām assuming they donāt want it from me . They donāt hug me (I also donāt force anything because I want to respect their space) they donāt say I love you. Like what am I doing wrong other than just trying to help THEM out?
I do feel like I need to work on my patience and not allow anything to get to me. Can anyone out there pleeeeease tell me or give me something to work with ?
āur so chillā thanks i am completely disconnected from reality right now
My heart
Iām so fuxk in sad. The one I tried to give my all too. Being hidden, his little secret. Itās finally over. He never grew a pair to just bring me out to the light. Iām so sad that it came to this point where I had to block his tactics. Always giving up on me. Well here I am, taking a deep breathe and pressing āblockā. Iām more than just a secret for 10 years. Were you ashamed of me? Was I not pretty enough, good enough, skinny enough? Exotic enough? Iām just your regular little Mexican girl. Iām sure I was good enough.
But I canāt allow myself to think that way. After these 10 years of realization. He finally gave up and sent me that good bye text. I tried to come back with a comeback and remind him Iām still here and to quit acting like that. As I do like all the time. But this time around.. he didnāt respond to me like he usually does. So I double texted him and nothing. (If you know me you know I HATE double texting) I waited again and nothing so I replied with the realization text. Telling him that āI get itā followed by āIāll miss youā (because I didnāt think he was serious) wishing him the best also. I get a āšš»ā biggest slap to my face. So I blocked him.
Goodbye. I secretly loved you.
Why were you so toxic to me? I just wanted to love you, I just wanted a chance.

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