Youre trying to be a quirky schizo so bad ouuuu you wanna be special so bad ouuu
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@redrosesandashes
Youre trying to be a quirky schizo so bad ouuuu you wanna be special so bad ouuu

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I think one reason why its so hard for me to connect with everyone else is because I was/still am suicidal and like. Literally no one I've ever met was/is suicidal. There was one person and she was awesome and she understood me pretty well. Um too bad im socially awkward and anxious for it to have come into any sort of meaningful relationship. We had our moments tho, it was nice. But uhh no one else really 'gets' it. Kind of mesmerizing really. You'd think more artists would actually be suicidal but uh kind of a no on that one. I've never really felt connected or understood by any of these people. Its like talking through a veil. Im not infallible either. I always tried to be really understanding and objective, but I feel like every year im losing that ability more and more. I have a suspicion it might be because now I dont have enough time to be alone with my thoughts. I dont write in my journal as much and I dont write here often either. I feel directionless but also like I simply dont even have the time to think of a direction. And im always telling shit to my friend but it feels easier to process certain things after I tell her some of that shit? But at the same time im always feeling regret over telling her things. Its like if I tell her about something it instantly loses its purpose you know? Which is why I kind of hate her, the others are always ready to talk about something, I barely have to ask and they start talking. But with her its a challenge, these days we're more quiet than anything. I dont know. I dont know how to go about this. I've been sick of a lot of things lately. This entire post is derailed I dont wanna think about that fucking book again. Maybe I wanna be suicidal again. Why do I miss those times? Its like it was an integral part of myself, but now km just a jagged simpleton trying to live a good life. Mm im not making myself a victim anymore so I could be sad and angry at life and people hm? I swear to god just dont tell her this okay? I could just talk to myself, it feels way better hinestly. Why do people always say hi to each other, we live in the same place we dont have to greet each other constantly. Suicidal ideation got me nowhere but maybe schizo behaviour will!
You could study nice and happy if there isnt some bitch in your ear saying how much it sucks
Kinda dont feel good about being alive.
I hate being depressed why does everything Irk me. My friend told me my art was too light than the reference and I got upset. Graaaaaahhhhhhhh fuck offfff
She’s just trying to help but it irks me and makes me feels worse and I know I should regulate my emotions better but just. I don’t know. I should do better I wish I could. I need to.
So so so tiring

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Nobody wants to deal with a depressed person.
Its like I only matter when im happy or funny, but when I ask for comfort I get nothing. It feels isolating. It feels lonely. Its no different from back then. Nothing ever changes, only the circumstances do. It feels like one big joke. And I can only keep on hoping, that maybe it could change. Maybe I should be alone for a while. Maybe I shouldn't be. I dont know. I just wish it could stop. Im.
I hate it really. I hate everyone. I hate all of them. When did they ever do anything good for me? They did. They did. I wish I could just hate. Maybe if I was like her it would be easier. Maybe if I was someone else. If I was anyone but me. Nothing ever changes. Can I change? I hope I can. I can only hope.
Today is depression day for me. Once again related to my art account and... idk I just dont know. At this point its hard to comprehend. I dont like fixating on things. I shouldn't have made an art account. Gives me false hope of making friends or mutuals or anything. Im not good enough my art isnt good enough. Its all so tiring. I just want to feel connected to something or someone for once. I dont want to browse the internet forever I dont want to feel forced into making or posting something just so I could feel a sliver of connection. Im so stupid. All of this is stupid. I cant keep on posting i cant keep on drawing nothing feels right anymore I dont want to be here. I dont ever want anything. When will it feel normal?
Maybe if I never started posting my art i wouldnt have to doubt myself constantly.
Do you think angelique wasn't in the library because ira disappeared
You know that feeling. Its like I have nothing left anymore. In me. Everything is autopilot. I dont enjoy things anymore. They just happen. I just do them. I hope. I keep on hoping. And I hope that thats enough. For myself if for no one else.

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Haha maybe if my signal will be strong enough then I can reach out to others. Maybe then ill be understood. If I keep on trying.
Every time I try to confine with my friends over me not being normal it always fucks me up. I think well maybe I have adhd my friends tell me no you dont. Maybe I have autism? Every time I read about people's struggles with autism I feel like I can relate to that. My friend tells me no I dont think you have it. We'll then what the fuck is wrong with me? Why did people treat me like this? Why am I not normal? What the actual fuck is wrong? Is it something I can fix? If I had autism at least I would know its something i cant fix. But I dont know. I dont know what is wrong with me. Why people keep leaving.
Can anybody please tell me whats wrong? Why cant I enjoy things like a normal person, why cant I have friends like a normal person. Why do I always make it worse? Im so tired. I just wanna know.
GRAAAHHH I HATE HAVING FEELINGS OVER A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
Gwylan frustrates me because he probably has a very valid reason for not 'returning the pcs affections' and STILL i just wish he would. Doomed romance amirite. ALSO FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO COMB THROUGH THE WHOLE GAME TO ROMANCE HIM AND I GET ANGST IN MY FUCKING FACE gtfooo
The most comforting and equivocal character. Kind of genius in a way, make you work your ass to romance him just for it to turn out to be not exactly what you wanted. I hate it.
Hyperfixations are so fucking stupid. My brain just tells me to fixate on a thing till im overwhelmed with emotions and stupid feelings and yet I still cant pull my gaze away.
Im going to blow up but I will do it in uni in class so I will take everyone with me

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Im the stupid one im the immature one im the emotional one im the one that got played im the fucking idiot im child im. Can anything be normal again please? Im so so tired. Why am I always the irrational one? Fuck. Fuck off
3verythings ruined now
It would be better to die than have to love through days of this.
My friend is PISSING ME OFF they fall for every single ai bullshit, they use those shitty ai chat bot things on the regular, and when, in my single moment of weakness, I tell them I considered selling ai adopts just so that I could have an easy way of making money for myself? Its a fucking tragedy. Its blasphemy its betrayal, you were the one person adamantly against it how could you do this. Fuck bitch!!!
It was a like a single passing thought i had when ive how much theyre being sold for. I only told her that because I was exhausted managing my art account, that SHE suggested I make, and getting no feedback. Manage your damn expectations.
And then she dares fucking ask for the place that was selling them. Fuck off girl. Keep pretending you have morals.