Youre trying to be a quirky schizo so bad ouuuu you wanna be special so bad ouuu

I think one reason why its so hard for me to connect with everyone else is because I was/still am suicidal and like. Literally no one I've ever met was/is suicidal. There was one person and she was awesome and she understood me pretty well. Um too bad im socially awkward and anxious for it to have come into any sort of meaningful relationship. We had our moments tho, it was nice. But uhh no one else really 'gets' it. Kind of mesmerizing really. You'd think more artists would actually be suicidal but uh kind of a no on that one. I've never really felt connected or understood by any of these people. Its like talking through a veil. Im not infallible either. I always tried to be really understanding and objective, but I feel like every year im losing that ability more and more. I have a suspicion it might be because now I dont have enough time to be alone with my thoughts. I dont write in my journal as much and I dont write here often either. I feel directionless but also like I simply dont even have the time to think of a direction. And im always telling shit to my friend but it feels easier to process certain things after I tell her some of that shit? But at the same time im always feeling regret over telling her things. Its like if I tell her about something it instantly loses its purpose you know? Which is why I kind of hate her, the others are always ready to talk about something, I barely have to ask and they start talking. But with her its a challenge, these days we're more quiet than anything. I dont know. I dont know how to go about this. I've been sick of a lot of things lately. This entire post is derailed I dont wanna think about that fucking book again. Maybe I wanna be suicidal again. Why do I miss those times? Its like it was an integral part of myself, but now km just a jagged simpleton trying to live a good life. Mm im not making myself a victim anymore so I could be sad and angry at life and people hm? I swear to god just dont tell her this okay? I could just talk to myself, it feels way better hinestly. Why do people always say hi to each other, we live in the same place we dont have to greet each other constantly. Suicidal ideation got me nowhere but maybe schizo behaviour will!

You could study nice and happy if there isnt some bitch in your ear saying how much it sucks

Kinda dont feel good about being alive.

Today is depression day for me. Once again related to my art account and... idk I just dont know. At this point its hard to comprehend. I dont like fixating on things. I shouldn't have made an art account. Gives me false hope of making friends or mutuals or anything. Im not good enough my art isnt good enough. Its all so tiring. I just want to feel connected to something or someone for once. I dont want to browse the internet forever I dont want to feel forced into making or posting something just so I could feel a sliver of connection. Im so stupid. All of this is stupid. I cant keep on posting i cant keep on drawing nothing feels right anymore I dont want to be here. I dont ever want anything. When will it feel normal?

Maybe if I never started posting my art i wouldnt have to doubt myself constantly.

Do you think angelique wasn't in the library because ira disappeared

You know that feeling. Its like I have nothing left anymore. In me. Everything is autopilot. I dont enjoy things anymore. They just happen. I just do them. I hope. I keep on hoping. And I hope that thats enough. For myself if for no one else.

Haha maybe if my signal will be strong enough then I can reach out to others. Maybe then ill be understood. If I keep on trying.

Hyperfixations are so fucking stupid. My brain just tells me to fixate on a thing till im overwhelmed with emotions and stupid feelings and yet I still cant pull my gaze away.

Im going to blow up but I will do it in uni in class so I will take everyone with me