Redder, still.

Mornings stretch to evenings with moments that don't seem to matter, or I don't care to remember. My days are filled with conversations that fly past my head, sentences stripped down to phrases, cut down to words until all the individual letters spell out conversations I still can't make sense of. In the silence that follows, in the lull of conversations, in the quiet of loneliness, I wonder, when will you arrive? when will the moment I've longed for be here? Where's the promise of happiness? Where's the promise of hope? I'm stuck here, wishing for you to get here, still holding on to the happiness I was promised you'd bring. I'm still holding on to hope, still holding on to the unravelling strands of the promise that you would pull me out of whatever this place is. But you're still not here and the exhaustion doesn't seem to go away. They always tell me I should keep holding on, that one day, all the sadness and helplessness I've felt my whole life would usher in years of happiness and peace. But at 25, I haven't felt a single semblance of it. I'm still here, I'm still waiting, I just don't know until when.

At sixteen, you thought you knew what love was. Love would stay up with you when the moon wouldn't help you fall asleep. Love would devote all his nights to you, all his minutes all his hours all for you. Love would wake up when you asked him to, would lull you to sleep, his tubeless whispers carrying you off to sleep. Love would be there for all your sleepless night, all your waking days. And love, love would be right there, fighting off the demons hiding all your dreams. Two years later, you didn't need love to help you fall asleep, but love was still there -- insistent. All of love's hours and minutes, heavy on your chest, forgotten, untouched. Love gave you more, even if you didn't ask, even if you didn't want any. Love woke you up when all you wanted to do was bury your body in the softness of pillows, your blanket heavy with the warmth love's lullaby used to have. And love, love stole your dreams, so all your nights were his. At twenty-five, sleep came easier, forced upon you by the exhaustion of the day. No need for lullabies. No need for love. Only sleep, undisturbed, peaceful, yours.

Aries There is nothing in this world that can shake your beliefs - except you. Taurus You set out a path, know the ins and outs, lay out the traps, but there is nothing wrong in going off-path for a bit. Gemini The world has its own plans that may not go in accordance with yours. Trust the universe. It has its reasons. Cancer You hope and you fail and you lower yourself once more. Don't. You deserve only the best. Leo Emotions seem to flow from one to the next. Breathe. The world is kind to you. You should be kind to you, too. Virgo Listen. Listen. Listen. Nothing will happen if you don't stop talking. Libra Take a break. The way you made will still be there after your body and soul are well rested. Scorpio It is easy to blame others, harder to blame yourself. Trust that decisions you've made are for the good of everyone. Sagittarius The past is in the past for a reason. Let it go. Capricorn The universe knows the best for you. Don't ignore it. Aquarius You are kind and generous and loving. It's about time you see that. Pisces You have everything in your hands to be the best. Use them to your full advantage.

Summer: sweltering heat humid weather wanting to soak in ice cold water my heart shattering at the spark of you gathering the courage to send you that text backing out each time in fear of rejection craving an iced anything halo-halo to beat the heat ice cream dripping on fingers trying to finally forget you failing over and over again praying for rain praying for a beach trip praying for you as summer rain starts pouring.

Migraine – Moonstar88 At 12 years old, my heart beating fast hurt my head, but it also made sense.  Inside the small classroom, I could feel your eyes on me,  but when I turn, your gaze shifts away. More than ten years later, you’re getting married. I am not in love with you anymore, I don’t think I ever was, but I still look back to what might have been, but you’ve long looked away. 6 Months – Hey Monday When firsts still mattered, there you were. That summer,  a typhoon raged on. When the skies cleared up, you shone under the sunlight. I remember the smallest things: your dislike of melons, your like of spaghetti,  your mispronunciation of my friend’s name. A few years ago, you said ‘hi’ on Facebook, and you asked, ‘Who are you again?’ I’d Lie – Taylor Swift For a high school music class, our teacher made us write  new lyrics to an already existing song. I was hung up on you all year long, but when the song asks your favorite color, or your siblings, or the color of your eyes, I found no answer. Two years ago, you messaged me on Facebook. I still don’t have any idea who you are. I Can Wait Forever – Simple Plan I was always waiting, waiting for you to finish your classes, waiting for you to finish a game, waiting for you to get back home. I was in constant waiting, patient and waiting, cool and calm and needy but waiting. When I asked you to wait,  you said you couldn’t, and you didn’t, so I let you go, before you can ask me to wait for you again. Untitled I haven’t really heard the right song for you. A song hasn’t captured the feelings you gave me. Or maybe I can’t point out one, because each song I hear has a semblance of you. One – Ed Sheeran I call you: Asshole. Jerk. Douchebag. But I still remember our memories fondly. Maybe we should have remained  just friends. I could settle  with an asshole friend, but not a douchebag boyfriend.  King and Queen of Hearts – David Pomeranz As you led the dance, I could have kissed you right then and there. But I didn’t. Under the bright lights, with all eyes on us, I tell myself: He is in love with someone else. Dive – Ed Sheeran We danced and I could almost convince myself that I feel nothing for you,  but I couldn’t. Because even before that night, I already had the song we’re dancing to attached to your name. Sila – Sud When you posted a video of you singing and playing the guitar. I almost broke down in tears. I gave you that song, and you gave it to her.

Etched in these poems are your love letters for him, much likes the dozens of other letters,  tucked between book pages,  hidden in future kindling. You write these poems with him in your mind, with unfounded hope that one day he'll read these poems and finally see how perfect you are for each other. Your hope is unbounded,  your faith is never ending.  But here is the God awful truth: He will never know just how bright he shines in your life.  He will never know  all the metaphors and similes  of the way he makes you feel.  He will never know,  because you will never tell him.  You are so sure of heartbreak,  you are so scared  of rejection, that you would much rather wallow in unrequited love than face the truth.  He will never know how you feel. He will never know just how much you love him.  But don't blame him,  he doesn't know anything and could live his life without knowing everything. Blame yourself, for you've always known the truth, you just decided  to hide it from him.

one, the first time i saw you, you had sparked familiarity. a face i have seen before. a name hidden on my lips. a face i have forgotten. two, i know when to quit. when they said you were in love - happily and madly - i told myself no more. i know what is mine, and know what cannot be. three, but, out of nowhere, it all came rushing back. i had stopped myself from falling deeper. but one day, my eyes met yours, and my mind screamed, "I thought I was done with you." four, two years later, this unfinished poem finally gets an ending. my feelings for you remain a flurry of uncertainty. but one thing's for sure: two years later, my heart still races at the single sight of you.

My brain confuses me. It remembers little things, remembers light touches, but it has forgotten your voice, forgotten your laughter. My brain knows the truth, of how we'll never be, but it can easily spew out lies, how there's still a sliver of hope despite all these years. My brain protects me from pain, but it hurts me over and over again with devastating nightmares laced with the sweet image of you. My brain knows to forget you but I don't understand how a single moment can easily remind me of you, when I know I shouldn't remember. There shouldn't be traces of you left, but there you are, bright and vivid and imaginary, and my brain, my brain still taunts me not to forget.

I am barely an acquaintance a strange name in a list of many, with memories and photos stale from being exposed to the sun way too much. I try to remember what we were and I am stuck between reality and daydreams, figments of my imagination I was so desperate to come true. Five years later, your photo appears on Facebook, a stranger amidst more strangers, yet I still feel my heart break At the mere sight of your face. I am tired of non-existent memories, tired of clinging to a fake past that played real in my head, tired of still thinking the world of you, when I am close to nothing in yours. Meeting you five years ago, and us never meeting again, is a clear sign from the universe. You had your chance. Let him go.

there is a reason why you didn’t work out the first time around. and men, men don’t really change that easily. maybe, months or years ago, he looked cute, stared at you with those big, brown eyes, flashed you that incandescent smile, but, trust me, eyes and smiles can only get you far. maybe, he told you that he still loves you. bullshit. how can he still be in love with you when he parades girl after girl after girl right in front of you? how can he still be in love with you if he seemingly ignores you in the days, weeks, months, years in between then and now? how can he still be in love with you if he let you go the first time around? maybe he told you he’s changed. maybe you can even see it yourself. but has he? has all the reason why you broke it off years ago disappeared? is he a new man now? is he a man now? and maybe, maybe the reason why you took him back, despite all the warning signs, is because you still love him. maybe you made yourself believe all the truths and half-lies because of your great belief that he has changed, that he is a man. maybe, maybe you’re scared to be alone, scared to let go of the love you think is true. scared of the inevitable change time brings. or, maybe, you’re just a good person, willing to give people – even those who hurt you – a second chance, with more protection this time.

It begins with small pieces: a smile, a wave, a hello, the inability to stifle laughter, the ease of conversation, the daily bright sunshine. The space between you lessens. There is not just you, not just them, but the both of you. All of your pieces laid out. He takes yours. She takes a handful. You do the same. You're hooked. And the small things become just a bit bigger, not a lot, not so much, at least that's what you tell yourself. He just wants more time with me. She just isn't comfortable with my friends. You offer. You give. You sacrifice pieces of yourself. That's what love is, right? And then the not-so-small, not-so-big pieces   become bigger. Yet you still give. And when there is nothing left to give, they take. Tears you to pieces. Swallows you whole. Destroys the walls you built around yourself. You look down and all your pieces are gone. There is only one left. She takes the last step. He removes the distance. You are knocked off your feet. You have no more pieces. There is no more you. Only him. Only her.

Look at all these words I've written for you. Look at all these letters I poured my heart and soul into. Look at all the truths. Look at all the lies. Look at all the space between us. Tell me, what do you see? Do you see me? Do you see my truths, my lies, my words spilt on paper? Tell me, do you see me? Do you see yourself? Do you see us?

When he said that I shouldn't wear shorts outside because he wasn't there to protect me, I swooned, believing that he was my knight in shining armor. When he apologized after not being there every time I needed him, putting one or the other first, I forgave him, knowing he was really sorry. When he whispered you are mine over and over again, so much so that the words burnt shackles. around my neck, I dismissed it, and called him sweet. When he texted and called and demanded where I was who I was with what I was doing I ignored my mind and laughed and smiled and answered all his damn questions. When I finally said no, when I finally said enough, he pleaded and begged to let him see me so I said yes, only for him to grab hold of arm so hard that I pulled myself away and ran. When they asked why, wondered what happened, said we looked perfect, I told the truth until I couldn't take the judgment in their eyes, that I had to lie, because being unhappy was never a good answer.

In an alternate universe, I would have been stronger the moment I knew that there's a possibility of us. I would have pounced on it and I know we'd be together. In an alternate universe, your hand will not hesitate. You would reach out and I would grab it, and I know, I could never let go. In an alternate universe, words would not be necessary. I won't have to ask, I won't have to beg, you would stay, just for me. In an alternate universe, it would be you and me, no questions asked. We would exist together. We would be happy. We would be in love. But no matter how much I wish for an alternate universe, we merely exist in the now, where I'm weak and you're gone, and you reach out your hand because you have to. In this universe, I can't help but miss you, even if it were just me, even if we're barely friends, even if I can't do anything about it. In this universe, I want to be with you, but I can't and I shouldn't. In this universe, I don't want to, but I have to let you go.

i see you, and all i want to do is run. it isn’t easy to say ‘hi’, when all i’ve ever wanted to do is lay out all my feelings. how much i miss seeing you every single day. how much i miss talking about random, unnecessary things. how much i crave for your light touch and playful nudges. i see you and i want to pour out all the lines and lyrics i have collected since meeting you, and wanting you, and knowing how easy it is to fall in love with you. instead, i see you, i say hi, and i run away.

inside the bright room, i can hear the never ending noise. most days, there is a sense of calm in the medley of voices and laughter. and then there is today, when the clamor leaves me voiceless. at 24, i’m still the 11-year old girl, who tried to fit in, but never did, and still don’t. i still don’t know where i fit in conversations. i still don’t know if my voice is as powerful as i thought it was. at 24, i’m still a little girl, afraid, anxious, incapable of speaking.

Mercury is in retrograde, bringing a heart beating too quickly, and anxiety boiling within me. Mercury is in retrograde. Words come out too quickly, or not fast enough. Mercury is in retrograde. I want to pull you close, but you keep on pushing me away. Mercury is retrograde. Stop spinning back. Help us move forward.