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Stephanie: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them? Sam: *watching Alex screaming in agony, Wendy trying to set a sleeping Nick on fire, and Kim choking on air* I don't know either.

Peter: Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you.

Nick: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier. Violently practices. Alex: Violently studies. Kim: Violently sleeps. Wendy: Violently shoots pictures. Carly: Violently boxes. Sam: Violently murders people. Kim: Violently worries about the previous statement.

Terry: How's the sexiest person here~? Carter: I don't know, how are they~? Terry: *flustered* I- Alex: *from across the room* I'm doing great, thanks!

*Sam is cooking* Peter: Any chance that’s for me? Sam: It’s for Isaac. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need them on my side. Alex: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Carter: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one! Rory: Tubular AF! Erin: Mood to the max! Hunt: *annoyed* Groovy, I hate it. Peter: *just as annoyed* If she breathes, she’s a square.

Ian: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses. Peter: This knife is actually a magic wand. Carter: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel. Hunt: *cocks gun* Magic missile. Olivia: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Sam: Peter and I are having a baby. Alex: That's gre- Sam: *slamming adoption papers on the table* It's you, sign here.

Peter: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. Ian: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. Carter: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? Hunt: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Peter: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat* Carter: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents Peter: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you Erin: Actually I did the math, Carter would have $225, not $0.15. Carter: Girl, I’m right here.... Ashley: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda 🙂 Peter: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please? Ashley: Sorry I only have a dollar Peter: 😦 Erin: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Carter would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent Ashley: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice Erin: You can buy anything you want with $22,500 Ian: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice Erin: Apply juice to what Hunt: Directly to the forehead Carter: Great chat everyone

Carter: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? Peter: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. Carter: Three of us saw it, Peter. How do you explain that? Peter: *points at Ian* Sleep deprivation. *points at Erin* Paranoia. *points at Olivia* Delusional personality disorder.

Dennis: I trust Isaac. Peter: You think he knows what he's doing? Dennis: I wouldn't go that far.

Peter: How did none of you hear what I just said? Carter: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours. Hunt: I got distracted about halfway through. Ian: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.