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HEY GUESS WHAT! YOU CAN NOW JOIN MY PATREON WHERE YOU CAN GET COOL TUTORIALS, MEMBERS-ONLY PAINT-AND-YAP SESSIONS AND MY UNDYING GRATEFULNESS FOR YOUR SUPPORT
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I really do want to make a go of this, so if you could please go check out the page (it has links to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitch)
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I'm a big fan of wizards-as-programmers, but I think it's so much better when you lean into programming tropes.
A spell the wizard uses to light the group's campfire has an error somewhere in its depths, and sometimes it doesn't work at all. The wizard spends a lot of his time trying to track down the exact conditions that cause the failure.
The wizard is attempting to create a new spell that marries two older spells together, but while they were both written within the context of Zephyrus the Starweaver's foundational work, they each used a slightly different version, and untangling the collisions make a short project take months of work.
The wizard has grown too comfortable reusing old spells, and in particular, his teleportation spell keeps finding its components rearranged and remixed, its parts copied into a dozen different places in the spellbook. This is overall not actually a problem per se, but the party's rogue grows a bit concerned when the wizard's "drying spell" seems to just be a special case of teleportation where you teleport five feet to the left and leave the wetness behind.
A wizard is constantly fiddling with his spells, making minor tweaks and changes, getting them easier to cast, with better effects, adding bells and whistles. The "shelter for the night" spell includes a tea kettle that brings itself to a boil at dawn, which the wizard is inordinately pleased with. He reports on efficiency improvements to the indifference of anyone listening.
A different wizard immediately forgets all details of his spells after he's written them. He could not begin to tell you how any of it works, at least not without sitting down for a few hours or days to figure out how he set things up. The point is that it works, and once it does, the wizard can safely stop thinking about it.
Wizards enjoy each other's company, but you must be circumspect about spellwork. Having another wizard look through your spellbook makes you aware of every minor flaw, and you might not be able to answer questions about why a spell was written in a certain way, if you remember at all.
Wizards all have their own preferences as far as which scripts they write in, the formatting of their spellbook, its dimensions and material quality, and of course which famous wizards they've taken the most foundational knowledge from. The enlightened view is that all approaches have their strengths and weaknesses, but this has never stopped anyone from getting into a protracted argument.
Sometimes a wizard will sit down with an ancient tome attempting to find answers to a complicated problem, and finally find someone from across time who was trying to do the same thing, only for the final note to be "nevermind, fixed it".
"This spell causes the hair to fall off cats." "It works with my tome"
"This spell causes the hair to fall off cats." "That's fixed in Xaranthius' latest publication, you just have to rewrite your entire spellbook for compatibility."
"This spell causes the hair to fall of cats." "Magister Olaus of Writhington uses it to help with his allergies. WORKING AS INTENDED."
I want to see wizards snarking at each other over different magical languages/scripts, the same way programmers do it over different languages.
Sure, "High Tower is a powerful language, but it's such a pain to write. I just use Unity* as it's simple to write and can do nearly everything I need" "cranky because you can't memorize all the conjugations and declensions, aren't you?" "LOOK MAN, I CAN MEMORIZE ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE FACE OF YOUR MOTHER IN ECSTASY. IN FACT, BEHOLD!" *a little time window appears between them, demonstrating exactly that. The first wizard (seen through the window) turns around and winks at the "camera".
"you kids today with your lizardman. How can you get anything done in a language without gendered pronouns? It's like fingerpainting. Sure you can learn on it but once you've got the basics you should switch over to a REAL language"
"the Kalic have been here already. We better get out before the rest of their army marches in." "how can you be sure?" "you see that teleport?" "no" "well, if you COULD see it, you'd see it's written in Adevic Yevi. That's the Kalic magic language." "couldn't it be someone else? We saw those Monon traders, maybe one of them..." "no. No one writes Adevic Yevi unless they're being paid to. It's a language written by committee."
Wizards going on a quest to get the spellbooks for a lost spell, only to find out that it was written in skydove cant. No one can read that shit! The creator must have been one of those weird "functional wizards". (They're obsessed with making sure their spells have no side effects)
There's a small library on the outskirts of Freeport which tries to collect versions of basic spells in every language. The Adevic Yevi version of "fireball" takes up 7 pages, mostly boilerplate setting up the interfaces with fire and explosions and ExplodingMagicalBallFactorySingletons. The Lizardman version is basically "AHAHAHA, YOU GO BOOM!"
There's a bunch of wizard apprentices working on porting an old "Summon Bread and Fishes" spell from the absolutely archaic language it was written in. Once it's in Unity, it'll be easy to modify and teach to more wizards, which'll obviously be good for disaster areas. It's just too expensive to keep paying the ancient guys who can still do magic in TRAN-FOR.
Eccentric wizards keep inventing new languages for spells. You look at them and they're neat, but it'll never catch on. And either you're right, or the next time you're applying to be a court wizard, the advisors want to know if you have at least 5 years experience in Tilted Runic and you're like "it only came out 2 years ago!" "aren't you a chronomancer?" "oh good point. Yeah I've been using it for 20-30 years."
There's wizards who will spend incredible amounts of time doing silly things with spells in strange ways. There's this guy (Vorth) who made his own language where there's only one basic spell: fireball. Everything else is basic magic glue tying multiple fireballs together. So like, he's got a breakfast spell. Stand back (good advice for all his spells), and you'll see a fish get knocked out of the local pond, flung through the air by successive explosions, and eventually it lands on his plate, nicely cooked and deboned, if slightly charred (the glass of milk is harder to explain). His magical door locks involve a quicksilver sphere and molten lead changing shape when heated... It's tricky but it seems to work. He's working on a teleport spell, but so far it's mainly just killed test subjects (primarily sheep from a nearby farm).
* so the funny thing here is that this isn't a reference to the unity game engine. The main country in my One Hundred and One Magical Pistols setting is called "the union" and their language is called "unity".
Wanders are like "they're available everywhere and once you learn how to do it it's so powerful!"
Staffguys always talk about how you can do ANYTHING with a staff. Wanders claim it's a pain to carry around an overpowered device that can do ANYTHING when you just need to cast fireball or a simple one man teleport.
Meanwhile the bare wizards are showing off how they don't need any magical tools and can just do hand motions.
Wanders and staffguys retort that when a spell goes wrong, THEY need to go to store for a new magical tool. YOU need new hands.
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Let's start with Delenn. She's halfway between one thing and another. She's strong, powerful, unifying. She may look superficially weak and squishy, but she can dominate a room (/cheeseboard). Delenn is Cambozola, a delicious hybrid of gorgonzola and camembert. I see the Minbari as more of a camembert and the humans as more of a gorgonzola, but you know, I'm open to dissenting opinions on that.
For Londo I needed a cheese that would look stunning in purple. He's all about tradition, so it needed to be a cheese with a solid history, under a DOP. My suggestion is Époisses, a cheese that dates back to the early 16th century. It's a rich, soft, stinky cheese with a rind that is washed in brandy. This just feels so profoundly like Londo in cheese form that I'm not actually sure I can justify the choice sufficiently. I'm just going to have to trust that you see my vision.
One of the many things that I utterly love about G'Kar is the way we see his character evolve. When we first meet him, he seems a bit silly and a bit petty; not the kind of person to take seriously. But under pressure, it turns out, he rises to the occasion and proves to be unbreakable. G'Kar, therefore, is a squeaky cheese that can handle a lot of heat. G'Kar is halloumi.
To me the core of Sheridan's character is that he doesn't really fit in the position he's been placed in. He's a hotshot military commander who has had diplomacy forced upon him. He's not a cheese that's a natural fit alongside all the other cheeses. But when he's in his element, Sheridan is unbeatable. Sheridan is mozzarella.
For Sinclair, I wanted something smooth and subtle. There's a pyramid-shaped goat's cheese called Pouligny Saint Pierre that's has flavours of nuts, hay and herbs, which has exactly the combination of strength and subtlety that I associate with Sinclair. Also, it only comes in 250g servings, so - just like Sinclair - you never get quite enough of it.
Marcus is the most English Englishman to ever be several generations removed from England, so he could only be a cheddar. Specifically, Wookey Hole cheddar, which is matured underground in the Wookey Hole caves in the Mendip Hills near Glastonbury. Also buried under Glastonbury - allegedly - is King Arthur. Marcus would love to be associated with this specific cheese and you can't tell me otherwise.
I would love to provide a Russian cheese for Ivanova but Russia is just not really a notable cheesemaking country. So instead I suggest a Lancashire bomb, a strong, creamy ball-shaped cheese that's wrapped in black wax so it literally looks like a bomb. Put a Lancashire bomb on your cheeseboard and no one is going to be looking at anything else. It also has a tanginess that feels very much like the cheese expression of Ivanova's dry humour.
One of the trickier people on this list was Garibaldi. He's fast-talking, divisive, a man of the people. He beats up criminals and he loves cartoons. None of this says cheese to you? Well, my suggestion is Wensleydale, a distinctive crumbly Yorkshire cheese that was saved from near-extinction after it was featured in Wallace and Gromit. (This is the weakest of my suggestions, but sometimes I fear we have to accept that a sci-fi character is not a cheese. Alternative ideas welcomed.)
When I first started watching Babylon 5, I called Franklin Dr Handsome, and despite all that he goes through - the wars, the stim addiction - it still feels like being a handsome, charming and generally good guy is at the core of his character. He's been through a lot but he's come through it, if not unchanged, then none the worse for it. I suggest smoked applewood, a cheese that's sweet, smoky, and always popular.
And finally, Lennier spent most of his life before Babylon 5 in a monastery, so we need a monastic cheese. My choice here is TĂŞte de Moine - which translates literally as "monk's head" - a Swiss cheese that dates back eight centuries. It's not supposed to be cut but pared with a girolle, or cheese curler. I don't know that there's anything more Minbari than a cheese that comes with a ritual for how you're supposed to eat it.