Ernie Clifton

Nietzsche

I’m now directly in the middle of what appears to be a cosmic joke again. It’s like every time my cognition greatly improves and I understand exactly what I need to be doing, everyone around me sort of pushes away or shuts down in some regard. Interestingly, it appears like they become more concerned with my wellbeing like I’m going crazy. This feels like the last time I ascended for sure, I agree. I was doing very well and then I took my eye off of the ball. My sister told me it is those who shine brightest who are surrounded by the most darkness. I believe her and see what she is saying now more than ever. To achieve greatness takes dedication and persistence. Those two traits aren’t very flashy, so they must be in my wheelhouse by default. Head down, eye on the goal, I’m sorry if you’re afraid to join me but you can just catch up later. Everyone with a loving heart is welcome on my journey.

The synchronicities around me are just unbelievable lately. For example, I have long been fascinated with Indian culture. I saw the awesome fashion and religious symbolism in dusty books I found in the basement of my childhood home. The food drew me further in around 2005 when I was able to first sample some decent Indian fare. That was after living in Akron a little while, the first time I left Mansfield Ohio in my entire life.

I’ve long had a developed palate and the extreme difference from our processed American sludge really smacked me in the face. Food is always a nice introduction to culture, that is why I aspire to open a food truck and hopefully eventually a restaurant. When I do so I want to focus on vegan dishes that are an experience to eat. I want to provide my customers with nourishment that will fuel their body and mind rather than add extra pounds and cloudy thoughts.

I am only now seeing the tip of the iceberg with meditation and yoga. Last night was the deepest meditation I have achieved to date and it was incredible. I was taken to other worldly environments and greeted with visual beauty. I can now see exactly where one of my favorite artists, Alex Grey, gets his inspiration. That is yet another synchronicity. I was saved by the music of Tool in high school and became fascinated with Grey’s artwork that was utilized for the CD liner notes. When I was younger music came in a box and had some amazing visual and tactile stimulation to offer. I even miss the smells of opening new music and exploring the liner notes to see what the artist was really about. I’m sorry people younger than me are more and more going to miss that experience.

I said I became fascinated with Alex Grey’s work. I’m not just saying that to sound like a fanboy or to retroactively fit this into my life’s path. I was drawn into his ideas and what he was teaching regarding humanitarianism and the exploration of inner-self. I went as far as nutting up and riding a greyhound to Manhattan with my friend Wayne once just to see Grey’s Chapel of the Sacred Mirrors. Of course, I took in the rest of the island while there but it all paled in comparison for me.

That Manhattan trip was years ago. I was so obsessed with going that I left my wife at home and only took something like $200 dollars with me for the whole stay. I was crazy back then… actually, I wasn’t. It was only after that kind of trip that I became crazy. I was as sane as I had ever been when I went to New York. I ate Oatmeal and Falafel while I was there, I got an eggplant parmesan sub. I was pushing vegetarianism back then and didn’t even have to try. I don’t know what happened to me after that year but somehow, I got swept into the American Dream contest. I gave up on what I truly loved and believed in to chase security in the form of money. A lot of us do, but few of us admit it. I almost caved a few weeks ago when someone called me a big kid. Instead of turning back to a cycle of debt, depression, selfishness, and chasing a tomorrow that never comes, I realized just how much of a compliment that is. I am a big kid. I’m going to chase my dreams before my body falls along the highway crippled and ragged. I can start working with the adults when my back and knees finally give out. I’ll sit on my ass and write prescriptions then. For now, I want to use my body while I can to enjoy life.

In the coming months I’m going to do what I can to get back into working with people in my community. I want to somehow utilize the space in my large home to teach others and heal them. I am in the middle of my community and want to integrate myself into the lives of others and help them. My license to practice as a Nurse Practitioner is inactive as it stands. I inactivated it voluntarily while I was going through a pretty significant mental health crisis. I know some of you will think I’m only saying this conveniently, but I am glad that I did. I have had the time to sit and reflect. I have had the chance to think about what I want to give to this world with the remainder of my life and how I want to use what little authority I have.

I have been writing daily and plan to work toward getting some things published if I am able to capture my vision in ink. I will be producing media in the form of music, art, and educational materials. I will try to get some grass roots work going and physically get back into my community rather than accomplishing this all digitally. I really want to be in the middle of the operation. I don’t want to be looming over some corporation with 20 yards of cotton paper between me and the people I love. I want to push forward one step at a time to building a better world. I believe it starts with education, wellness, and empathy. Of course, I like to be succinct, so I can distill it to one word: Love.

I will be attempting to crowd source some donations and will be doing research to see what needs to be done to set up a not-for profit business. Any contributions will be greatly appreciated but I don’t want anyone to feel any pressure at any point. My interests are going to be focused on mental health, preventive care and general wellness, naturopathy, spiritual health, and of course I want to eventually rescue some Great Danes.

And for the record, the first time I put a plea out for donations it was a joke. I was using my dark sense of humor to get through a terrible time in my life. I’m sorry if I came off as crass and immature. That is probably because I was being crass and immature. My friends, and more-so, Liz, didn’t disserve that sort of juvenile public display of what should have been completely private. Liz was nothing other than the best friend I’ve ever had and the one who supported me in this world when all hope seemed lost. She is the main reason I am able to even type these words so yes, I apologize sincerely that people had to hear about our divorce through my Kickstarter. It’s like everyone tries to tell you, men are stupid.

I will leave you with that for now, but please be in touch with me if there are any questions, comments, or anything else interesting!

Forget about pretending your body isn't a prison, you just have to believe it is a cocktail dress and it is one.

Today I figured out what to do with all of the music I have written over the years! I think I’m going to hang onto It so I can sell it after I become famous in a completely unrelated field. It will be a plot twist in my life and as ridiculous as anything else. That is as Ernieesque as it comes. Now I’m making up words using my own name. I’m not trying to be arrogant in any way other than comically. I’m also predicting my mom surfacing somehow or some other crazy change coming about this year. I’ve finally found my pride and my manhood believe it or not. I finally know what family is and how to protect memories, for whatever they are worth.

I sit here pecking out sentences with my macbook collapsed on a tacky broken couch in my dream home. I used to tell people it was Lizzie’s dream home. It might have been in some ways, but honestly she was a simple girl with more practical tastes than me. I wanted the place because it was too big, it had too many bathrooms, and it had a maid’s quarters. I didn’t just want something impressive, I wanted a home as unique as I am. I had finally found it.

I believe I can keep my Mansfield Manor if I play the game right, but I am afraid I may lose it if something doesn’t look up. Again, I’m over the material world so please don’t take this as me being just an arrogant prick, I am just reflecting on just how ridiculous I am. I love this house, but even if I have to live in a gutter like my new friend once wished upon me, I will still achieve greatness in helping others somehow. Half of my possessions have been sold off to keep the utilities on and the rooms in this sprawling home look like camp sites. To keep it 100 I haven’t even really opened my mail in a week. Not even the red envelopes. I’m a mess. I plan to keep the house but I can't even pay the gas bill. Hmmm. The truth is God provides and I am counting on it. If it is meant to be I will keep the home no matter what. If not I will lose it.

I am winning the fight between myself and a bowl of banana flavored great grains cereal. That reminds me, I once stood up all cocky like and handed a professor an 8x10 card with my speech idea written on it: “cerial” spelled completely wrong as expected. She looked at the card, looked at me, said “it’s a stretch… and it’s spelled wrong!?” I delivered that speech stone faced to a diverse classroom of cringing undergraduate students. I got an A. I treated much of my education as a joke. I have a bad habit of poking back at absurd things with absurd tactics. I am trying to break that habit truly now that I am a man and no longer a boy.

I am now understanding the knowledge of my first marriage as it should be understood. I am so glad for this and am finally able to move past the questions I had. I want anyone reading this to know that throughout my life, if I have hurt you, I apologize. I am sure I have hurt many people in one way or another, but truthfully it was either unintentional or I was being irresponsible and stupid. I have been stupid a lot in my life. The best way I have found to know that you’re stupid is to look in the mirror and believe you’re intelligent.

My first marriage ended because I was not a good man throughout the entire course of the relationship really. Every promise I made I broke. Every line to be crossed I crossed. It was all my fault. I take full responsibility. Not only did I cross lines and lie, there were moments when I was outright cruel.

Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. That is a list of the 7 deadly sins. It is also the 7 things I was best at doing during my marriage. I’m not kidding. My marriage was not pure, it was not whole, it was simply not nice. I look at it now and I am quite honestly ashamed.

All 7 were there sins but love seemed to come and go from my heart at times. The sad thing is, I am capable of love, but I didn’t know what in the hell it was. Well, that isn’t entirely true, but at some point I forgot what it was. I was a broken person in my twenties. I will tell you what I expressed as “love” over the course of my marriage and I won’t have to show you why it didn’t work: I bought her a couple of funny gifts. I made sure we had nice clothes and nice cars and I made sure our house was big. I kept going to work every day swearing to God if I was single I would just quit my job and couch surf but never knew why. Somehow, early on, materialism got tied into Love in my head. I know it was because I grew up watching countless hours of television and being an American. I didn’t know that in my marriage. See, my divorce was as predictable as they come.

Sure, the materialism was okay for a good time. I even used it as an excuse to justify some of my jerk behavior. If the wife gets a new purse I can get extra drunk on Saturday sort of behavior. See I thought love was letting each other be ourselves, and that is correct to some extent sure. Unfortunately, the way I interpreted that was that I needed to not just be myself, but I needed to be allowed to do whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted. That then became the place of normalcy in my marriage. Ernie had no restrictions.

Of course, I shouldn’t have to have restrictions, I should be man enough to just understand how a marriage works and how to treat a woman. I should just follow the guidelines written in my heart. I agree with that. Unfortunately, marriages don’t work out very often in this country. That means most kids don’t get to model themselves after good ones. I was raised by a dying elderly woman. Everything I knew about love and marriage I got from TV.

But love is more than just material things and being ourselves, right? Of course, it has to be. Love takes patience, nurturing… other buzzwords too. I loved my wife. I really did. She was my best friend. She was the person I wanted to be with all of the time. But I loved my wife better when we were broke ass teenagers than when we were driving European Sedans. That is scary. The way I felt love changed with my income. The more Americanized I became the worse my marriage became. The further from my “crazy childhood ideas” like “if I could hug you the hardest I would” or “if I could eat the biggest ice cream cone in the world I would” I strayed, the worse my marriage became. What started off as a couple of kids saving each other from less than ideal circumstances ended up a couple of strangers who didn’t know how to properly communicate. What’s terrible is that my wife did nothing wrong. In fact she got better with time. I certainly had crazy ideas and I pushed the envelope. The worst thing my wife did was let me run the show. That’s the truth. So why did she get better but I got worse?

I blew it. I treated her like garbage because I thought that was how to be myself and maintain the upper hand. I prodded her if she was in any mood other than chipper and made her feel weak minded for having emotions. I never fully opened up my heart to her the entire time because I didn’t trust her. For some reason the longer we were together the less I trusted her too. Everything was backward, and it was all my fault. By the time I was convincing her that it was just fine for me to text another woman all day long the marriage had not been a marriage for years.

I was the epitome of a terrible husband with almost no redeeming qualities. I admit that fully. I didn’t realize I was being terrible at the time though. The crazy part is that I loved her very much and wanted nothing but the best for both of us. That is the truth. So, what went so wrong? How could things stray so far from the path?

I think the answer lies in my understanding of Love, happiness, and success. I thought all of those things were money. I didn’t at first, but by the end of the relationship I definitely did. I am using absolute terms here, and there are of course no absolutes, but that is for convenience sake. The point is, at some moment my understanding of love shifted and all I knew about it was how to buy a gift.

I am writing this long, dampening, article to help other people. I know it’s awkward anytime someone gets divorced then divvies up the friends… then they read tumblr… but hear me out. I really want everyone to be happy. EVERYONE. I want to even be happy myself!

Love is simple. Just forget about yourself. Act as though you don’t exist. Always put the other person first, always. That is it. I’m not giving relationship advice, this is life advice. Treat everybody the same. Treat them all well. Put them before yourself. Always. Every time. Had I done that once a week I wouldn’t have felt like such a piece of trash when my depression finally lifted and I saw my marriage for what it was.

You will fail. You won’t do it every time. You are human. That is okay. But try to be perfect. If you do you will find that your life becomes incredible. Become selfless. Let your ego die. Stop living for earthly pleasures and live for others. Love is the strongest force in the universe. It can overcome anything.

So for anyone I have hurt I am sorry. I just didn’t know how to love or how important it really was. Now that I understand what I do I intend to spread it.

As I approach perfect balance ideas begin to break down. Language stops making sense. My partners eyes are no longer hers, but they are those of the universe. The universe viewing itself through its own eyes. This may sound a bit confusing, but if any of you have experienced this even once in your life you will know what I’m talking about. It is a moment of absolute knowing bordering on a moment of absolute ignorance. A moment of absolute clarity bordering on absolute chaos. The vacillations appear to be working in two dimensions, but they are infinite.

My goal in this life is honestly to reinvent medicine. Actually, maybe I want to reinvent the way our country operates. I will start with medicine and see where it leads me. Western medicine has hit a brick wall as far as I’m concerned. My intention moving forward is to integrate my understanding of spirituality and consciousness into a holistic healing approach if I get back to practicing as a Nurse Practitioner. I believe in a few hundred years people will look back on this time in disbelief. In my opinion we have approached healing the human in entirely the wrong way.

Sure, western medicine is amazing when it comes to emergencies or something acute. Surgery is necessary for countless patients and saves many lives, yes. Some drugs are truly miracles, of course. I’m not saying we should completely abandon what we know as practitioners. I am saying we should be ever mindful of our methods or treatment and continue to evolve toward a holistic approach when treating the patient. That is to optimize the individual based on his/her unique situation.

Much of chronic illness is preventable. I need to establish that up front. I have written that before and people come back at me with genetic coding errors and auto-immune conditions. Or course anomalies will occur in a percentage of the population. Otherwise, the sort of chronic illness I was typically treating as a family practice provider in this country was often preventable. The rates of hyperlipidemia, diabetes, renal failure, and heart failure were shocking to me. I was seeing pediatric patients with Type 2 diabetes, one even came in eating candy during the examination. His mother explained to him, while I was charting, that white chocolate wasn’t real chocolate so it didn’t have sugar. “You can eat as much of that as you want.”

Ignorance persists despite the fact most of us have a smart phone readily available to type into google any question. The technology is there yet we aren’t utilizing it.

Humans need to be converting back to a whole plant-based diet ASAP if we want to prolong or prevent mass extinction. The sooner the better; seriously, just stop eating animals. We should also stop shoving so many pills down our throats as we do at alarming rates.

I got a western education, I won’t go into the education system here. However, one thing school taught me well was how to prescribe pills. If you have a disease you go straight to the medicine cabinet in this country. That isn’t always necessary, in fact, I find it to be alarming. Think about it for a moment though, a fixture in every American home is a medicine cabinet. We are just expected to have pills in our homes. The reality is, if we clean up our act we may not even develop the ailments that have us reaching for those pills.

If you are reading this, I want to be your healer.

I could give you a regimen of insulin and metformin orI could teach you how to eat properly.

I can refer you to a cardiothoracic surgeon for your unstable angina, but if we hadn’t eaten so many animal products that surgeon wouldn’t have a job.

Our species invented the painstaking procedures involved in cardiovascular bypass surgery so we can experience cheese on everything.

It is of course fun to pretend that nothing matters. I have been an advocate of that for years. Truly, maybe it doesn’t matter. If this isn’t your cup of tea do what you want with your life. That being said, if this is your cup of tea, please listen to me.

Human innovation goes on to cause a great deal of human suffering.

Fast Food

Big Pharma

Smoking and Vaping

Distilleries and Breweries

We can all do a little better in taking care of ourselves. I am the first to admit, I treat my body like it’s a pile of trash sometimes. Remarkably it suffers through all of the disgusting choices I make and keeps right on going. But for how long? You can only fly so close to the sun Icarus.

If we treated our body with the same respect we expect our healthcare providers to, we wouldn’t have America as we know it: Fat, ignorant, loud, intense, and decreasing our life expectancy for pleasure, power, or money.

You can pretend that I’m wrong, and that it’s your right to consume resources and step on other people’s heads, but at the end of the day we all have the same wants and needs. We want love, connection, reassurance, and joy. With that I mean true joy, the sort of happiness that lasts… not lust. How many times have you eaten taco bell and felt astonishing as it went down but cursed the drive thru when it when it came out?

I’m not here to kill everyone’s fun or to rob people of pleasure. It is a right to have a choice to do whatever you want to your body. I am just offering my insight for our collective future. I think I am in the first generation of people who can confidently look their grandchildren in the eye and tell them no, I am not proud to be an American. I have ground to stand on with that statement. I wouldn’t have had as much ground 50 years ago.

I feel as though I am penalized at times for humanizing processes. For example, having the gall to speak to the head of a corporation like he is just some other dude. Oh the humanity! In fact, he is just another person. Doctors, lawyers, bankers, hobos, baristas, and bag boys. We are all just people.

As a species we have developed unnecessary rules of formality. We have fabricated into our social code a series of complicated checks and balances. More and more pages are added to these books of rules and regulations. All manmade. Many unnecessary. I, of course, am sheltered and only can speak as a citizen of the USA. As I see it today, a group of people have developed a social code that I am expected to live by that I do not have the capacity to memorize. Even if I did, I don’t have the desire to thumb through the most mind-numbing of books.

Whether it be a certain fork to eat a salad with or a $75.00 fine for parking in front of a fire hydrant I am just wondering why? Why have we developed such elaborate schemes. Nature teaches us simplicity.

What is health food? A compacted Organic Brown Rice Syrup, Organic Rolled Oats, Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Cane Syrup, Organic Peanut Butter, Rice Flour, Peanuts, Organic Soy Flour, Peanut Flour, Organic Oat Fiber, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Dried Cane Syrup, Unsweetened Chocolate‡, Natural Flavors, Sea Salt, Cocoa Butter‡, Barley Malt Extract, Soy…

Or an apple.

It’s time to slow our role and get back to the basics. A whole food plant-based diet is the healthiest diet for the largest percentage of individuals. This also allows improvement in the environment. This alleviates the suffering of millions of animals.