I can’t even say I’m sad.
I’m hurt, yeah. I’m upset. I’m angry.
There’s a part of me that wants to scream at him, to shove him as hard as I can and just keep shoving him away. I want to blame him for getting me so attached, for showing me love that no one has before just to rip it away from me.
I want to tell him he’s an asshole, ask him why the fuck he can’t make up his goddamn mind. I want to ask him why he choose her, why would you show a girl affection and love and be talking to someone else too?
I can’t even be mad at her, because she probably didn’t know. She probably doesn’t know. I’ve known him for a fucking year, he told me stuff he said he never opened up about. He told me spending time with me was the happiest he had been in a long time.
And all of that, just to do a 180.
As much as I’ve been saying it the last week, I’ve be lying if I said I didn’t care and that it didn’t bother me.
It does, and even though I’m not necessarily sad, I can’t help but cry when I thought of the good times. All the nights I spent with him, all the times I held him while we slept, holding his hand and trying to remember everything incase I lost it.
And I did. I did lose it. And even though I swore I burned every feature, every sound, every second into my mind, almost 2 months has went by and it all feels like a messy blurry dream. I feel like the end of January-the first week in March never happened. That happiness I felt disappeared and has been replaced with a stinging ache every time I think of him or hear his name.
And he’s not someone I can forget. I wish I could in a way, I wish I could erase all interactions with him in the last year out of my brain and just never remember him.
But I don’t want to. As much as it hurts, I can help but look at the good times I had with him, trying to remember how amazing it felt to find home in a person. How much he felt like my person. How even though we grew apart once, we fell back together and it had to be meant to be, right? Part of me hopes we’ll find each other again.
I don’t know if I can do this again though. All my fate in him, how much of an amazing and good person I see him as, even through all this hurt and heartbreak.... I still care about him and love him.
It hurts because I just get even more angry every time I cry. I can’t even sleep without seeing him in my dreams and getting mad. I try to fight the tears, but it makes me cry harder. And it pisses me off because he’s already moved on and he’s probably not even thinking of me.
It hurts that I spent so much time with him for him to just go and throw it all away. He said he really cared and appreciated me and didn’t deserve me and that he didn’t want to hurt me like the last time this happened.
And he doesn’t know that he’s hurt me far more than T did. T gave me an answer and left me alone. He didn’t stick around. He left and didn’t come back. Cute dude.... he doesn’t do that. I feel like I’m on a back burner and only brought out when no one else is there now.
I don’t know what she had that I didn’t, or what she could give him that I couldn’t, and I wish I knew. I just want an answer so I can fuck off and leave and start over.
I know I probably won’t get an answer tomorrow or ever, if we ever talk again after tomorrow.
But I truly hope he knows how much I fucking love him. How that even though I hate the thought of it, if he came back I’d still probably talk to him, fall again, and just.... I can’t hate him. Even though I want to.
I hope he knows and I hope she does too. I hope she can give him what I can’t and make him happy since apparently I couldn’t.
I miss him so fucking much and I know this won’t go away anytime soon. I’ve been sleeping a lot, but can’t actually sleep. I haven’t really ate in the past week, only enough when my headaches get really bad. I’ve started taking some of my brother’s anxiety meds because I’m not on any and it’s the only thing that’s been preventing me from going into panic attacks. My heart aches, physically aches and it almost hurts to breathe sometimes.
I don’t even know how to get my feelings and emotions out, so this sounds super random and jumbled and I apologize, I’m still processing everything and....