Sadie Adler Is My Wife.

I can see how horrible of a person you were and still are. I can see the games you played with not only me, but your ex and even your next victim. It’s a game to you, fucking up people only to push the blame onto them and never want to suffer the consequences of your actions. You’ve fucked up so many people and will continue to, and as shitty as it is, I’m glad I finally broke the mind game from you.

I don’t miss you anymore, I miss the person you claimed to be, the mask that hid how absolutely fucking ridiculous you really were. You were and are great at playing the victim and playing the guy of every girl’s dreams, someone they see themselves having a future with when in reality, you’re a heartless fuck who only cares about himself and even then, it’s obvious you don’t even respect yourself.

All I have is the sneaky videos I took on my phone all those days and nights I spent with you. And I know I should delete them all. I need to delete the album with every photo and video I have of you and us. But I can’t. It hurts to even think about deleting them, because I don’t want to forget.

I miss you so much, it hurts.

I know it’s for the best. I know it was never going to work out.

But I wanted it to.

What I’d do to hear you say my name again. To hear your laugh. To see your smile face to face again. To hold you in my arms and remember how it felt.

Every time I start a conversation, memories with you hit my brain like lightening and I just can’t unsee you.

Your presence put me so at peace. I miss every single thing about you. Even though you lied, you shut me out, you ignored me, you hurt me....

I still see you as a good person.

I got absolutely trashed last night and you were still on my mind. I tried convincing myself you were an asshole. I think I called you just about every horrible name I could think of. I screamed about how much of a horrible person you were, how much you should just go fuck yourself for ruining such an amazing thing.

But I didn’t mean a single word of it. I may can convince everyone else I hate you, but I can’t convince myself and that’s the worst part.

The part of me that still has hope that maybe things will change between us and things might go back to how they were. I know they never will, but I can hope.

I just want you in my life, no matter what. I miss watching horror movies with you and you never got mad at me for talking during it because you did the same. Nobody else likes horror movies like you did.

I miss drinking with you and you calling me a baby jokingly for having to mix my whiskey with soda because it was too strong. Yesterday I drank I don’t even know how many straight shots and I know you’d be proud of me for not being a baby. You wouldn’t have been proud for me throwing it up an hour later, but I can shoot my whiskey.

I miss all the texts. I miss looking forward to you waking up so I could text you good morning and you gave me reason to look forward to the evenings to ask you how your work day went, coming over to your house to lay with you and watch movies and it made work feel so much better because I knew I had something to look forward to the next day.

I shouldn’t feel this way still. I keep telling myself it’s going to take time, it’s not going to be easy to get over you, but it’s been almost 2 months and you’re still on my mind all the fucking time. I can’t see anyone but you because no one is like you.

And you don’t even care. You don’t check on me anymore, you don’t message me back, you were fine when I told you it’s best we don’t speak anymore, at least for a while.

But fuck, I miss you so much.

Even though it’s been almost 2 months, YOURE still the first person I want to talk to every single day when something happens. When I’m happy about something, sad about something, angry about something.

I still want to send good mornings and good nights, I still want to ask you how your day at work went, I still want to text you and tell you to be safe when you go to your dad’s on the weekends, I want to message you and ask you how your hand is doing since you broke it.

You were my person. You were the one that I ran to and you made it feel like all my problems melted away when I was with you, when I messaged you. Your presence brought me so much peace.

And I’m trying. I’m doing better since we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. But it’s so fucking hard.

I don’t want to cry, but I can’t look at those photos without crying. I can’t see your name on my snapchat or Facebook without my heart shattering.

It feels so weird that the thought of you brought me so much joy and now it’s such a numb feeling.

I miss you. I want to talk to you, but I know I can’t and shouldn’t.

I had to do what was best for me, as I couldn’t keep spending every single day crying and mourning over someone who isn’t dead.

I hate not talking to you. It’s been nearly two months and we’ve talked twice, the last conversation was the hardest. I haven’t felt that awkward around you since the day I got the nerve to talk to you. Words always came easy with you, even after the first talk we stopped talking, we picked up right where we had left off.

And now, I can’t even hardly form a sentence around you without shaking and feeling like throwing up.

It’s for the best, and if it’s truly meant to be, I’ll see and talk to you again soon someday.

I’m hurt, yeah. I’m upset. I’m angry.

There’s a part of me that wants to scream at him, to shove him as hard as I can and just keep shoving him away. I want to blame him for getting me so attached, for showing me love that no one has before just to rip it away from me.

I want to tell him he’s an asshole, ask him why the fuck he can’t make up his goddamn mind. I want to ask him why he choose her, why would you show a girl affection and love and be talking to someone else too?

I can’t even be mad at her, because she probably didn’t know. She probably doesn’t know. I’ve known him for a fucking year, he told me stuff he said he never opened up about. He told me spending time with me was the happiest he had been in a long time.

And all of that, just to do a 180.

As much as I’ve been saying it the last week, I’ve be lying if I said I didn’t care and that it didn’t bother me.

It does, and even though I’m not necessarily sad, I can’t help but cry when I thought of the good times. All the nights I spent with him, all the times I held him while we slept, holding his hand and trying to remember everything incase I lost it.

And I did. I did lose it. And even though I swore I burned every feature, every sound, every second into my mind, almost 2 months has went by and it all feels like a messy blurry dream. I feel like the end of January-the first week in March never happened. That happiness I felt disappeared and has been replaced with a stinging ache every time I think of him or hear his name.

And he’s not someone I can forget. I wish I could in a way, I wish I could erase all interactions with him in the last year out of my brain and just never remember him.

But I don’t want to. As much as it hurts, I can help but look at the good times I had with him, trying to remember how amazing it felt to find home in a person. How much he felt like my person. How even though we grew apart once, we fell back together and it had to be meant to be, right? Part of me hopes we’ll find each other again.

I don’t know if I can do this again though. All my fate in him, how much of an amazing and good person I see him as, even through all this hurt and heartbreak.... I still care about him and love him.

It hurts because I just get even more angry every time I cry. I can’t even sleep without seeing him in my dreams and getting mad. I try to fight the tears, but it makes me cry harder. And it pisses me off because he’s already moved on and he’s probably not even thinking of me.

It hurts that I spent so much time with him for him to just go and throw it all away. He said he really cared and appreciated me and didn’t deserve me and that he didn’t want to hurt me like the last time this happened.

And he doesn’t know that he’s hurt me far more than T did. T gave me an answer and left me alone. He didn’t stick around. He left and didn’t come back. Cute dude.... he doesn’t do that. I feel like I’m on a back burner and only brought out when no one else is there now.

And now he has her.

I don’t know what she had that I didn’t, or what she could give him that I couldn’t, and I wish I knew. I just want an answer so I can fuck off and leave and start over.

I know I probably won’t get an answer tomorrow or ever, if we ever talk again after tomorrow.

But I truly hope he knows how much I fucking love him. How that even though I hate the thought of it, if he came back I’d still probably talk to him, fall again, and just.... I can’t hate him. Even though I want to.

I hope he knows and I hope she does too. I hope she can give him what I can’t and make him happy since apparently I couldn’t.

I miss him so fucking much and I know this won’t go away anytime soon. I’ve been sleeping a lot, but can’t actually sleep. I haven’t really ate in the past week, only enough when my headaches get really bad. I’ve started taking some of my brother’s anxiety meds because I’m not on any and it’s the only thing that’s been preventing me from going into panic attacks. My heart aches, physically aches and it almost hurts to breathe sometimes.

I don’t even know how to get my feelings and emotions out, so this sounds super random and jumbled and I apologize, I’m still processing everything and....

How can you give someone that kind of fucking energy? That you care about them and appreciate them and actually give them hope and then just leave?

This hurts worst than I ever thought it would. I thought I knew hurt when something similar happened last year. I hurt for months, but this...this is a numbing pain. The kind of pain that’s so fucking painful that it almost doesn’t hurt.

It makes me physically sick. It makes me want to fucking throw up. Thinking that maybe for once in this fucked up world, that the universe did it’s thing and I got to meet you and it was perfect and I couldn’t be happier.

It makes me sick to think about all those nights you fucking wrapped your arms around me and laid your head on my chest and made me feel safe. You made me feel worthy of love and the feeling of you being beside me.

You were the first person to ever show me that kind of love and I got so fucking attached to you because of it. You gave me fucking signs it was mutual, that I meant just as much to you as you did me. I fucking care about you so much, even now because all I want to do is fucking hate you. I want to scream and yell until my voice gives out at you.

All I want is an answer as to why. Why did you fucking shut me off and out so suddenly? Literally a day before, you had me spent the night and cuddled into my chest and you were so close that I’ll never forget your cologne or how soft your hair was when I ran my fingers through it. I’ll never forget the small soft snores you made when you were heavily asleep. I’ll never forget you waking up just to pull me closer and go back to sleep. I’ll never forget the tickle fights and laughing with you. I’ll never forget the playful name calling and you pulling me close.

I can never fucking forget that at home feeling I had with you. I can never forgot how content I was in that moment with you and wishing it would never end.

I will NEVER forget the hope I felt every single fucking night I got to sleep with you, thinking for once in my goddamn fuckery of a life, I finally found someone I could be with, could be myself with, someone who didn’t even have to try and I was grinning from ear to ear.

It fucking sucks so fucking much because I want to feel that feeling again and I can’t. That last night I wish I would have hugged you tighter. I wish I would have kissed your forehead again. I wish I would have ran my hand through your shaggy brown hair again. I wish I would have inhaled one more time so I could have it all burned into my brain. Because I tried to constantly remember every single detail of you, and now it’s almost feels like every single fucking night was a dream.

I can’t get you out of my fucking mind. No matter what, you’re always there and the worst part is I can’t be mad at you. I can’t hate you even though the thought of you right now makes me sob and my whole body shake and I can’t begin to describe how my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my goddamn throat.

I just want you. I fucking want you, only you. I can’t see anyone else and I can’t even THINK of anyone else because they aren’t you.

I truly fucking love you, you fuck. I still do and I shouldn’t because you’re already fucking gone. You left without a fucking reason and I’m shattered. You gave up so suddenly, so easily somehow and already on to someone else.

And I can’t even hate her.

I just want things back to how they were. Why can’t we go back to January and February? You told me it was the happiest you had been in a really long time. You told me you liked spending time with me. You had me at your house almost every fucking day for a fucking month.

How can you do that? Honest to God, how the FUCK do you KNOW someone thinks the goddamn world of you and just fucking leave, especially when things were okay? Things were the best they had been.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have given you a second chance. I wish I would have never talked to you again after you left the first time.

But you showed me love and appreciation and I truly and utterly thought you saw how much I fucking cared about you.

And I hate it, but the main part of me wouldn’t take it back. Because although I’m fucking broken as shit right now over the thought of losing you, I would relive every second moment of happiness from January to that first weekend in March just to feel at home with you again. Because despite this pain that feels like it’s not going to fucking go away, I can’t stop loving you.

I love you so much, you fuck.

I don’t want you to leave. You already have and theres a part of me that hopes you’ll come back, but... I know you won’t. And I can’t do this.

How has it almost been a month already?

It’s all starting to just feel like some weird dream I was in. I’ve started convincing myself none of what happened actually happened. It’s like my brain is trying to block it out but I can’t help but cry every time I think about holding him.

Holding him in my arms as tight as I could while running my hand through his hair, down his cheek and neck, studying his features and trying to burn them into my memory.

It was like my brain knew before I did. Knew something was going to happen.

I miss him so fucking much it hurts y’all. My chest has never physically ached like it has every day for the past month whenever I think of him.

I see him everything. I can’t even sleep because he’s always there in my dreams too.

I saw him about a week ago. I didn’t get to talk to him really about what I wanted, as he was in a hurry, he brushed it off saying he’s just been busy, and I didn’t want to annoy him.

Next Sunday I’m off work though. He should be as well. And I’m going to shoot for them.

I wouldn’t try so hard if I didn’t care, you know? The people that do know the situation is at a 50/50, half telling me to let him go and that he’s not worth the trouble but the other half telling me maybe he really is just that stubborn and due to being hurt so much and so deeply, it’s going to take me drilling it into his head that I care.

But I shouldn’t have to force it right? But then again, the last 2 months I haven’t had to force it. I never did.

I keep rereading our messages and just want to know what happened.

I fucking miss him. I can’t help it. I know I even said I couldn’t cry about it but.... I just see him in my bed and when I sleep and it’s almost like I can feel him there with me. Haunting me and he’s fucking alive.

Like it’s literally a 50/50. He either likes me back or doesn’t, and we can go from there. I guess I’m just tired of the flirting and questioning if it actually means something or not to him like it does me.

I just want an answer, and it’s not asking a lot to ask him for one. It’s a simple yes or no. And I don’t have to dive into detail about my feelings. I literally just have to say “I like you, I’ve liked you for a while and I need to know where we stand with each other because sometimes it feels like more than friends, and then we’re strangers and I just need one or the other. We could try and if things don’t work, go back to how we were.”

I’ll start there, and if I can get him to talk, then I can go more into the whole “instead of just leaving when you feel confused, we need to talk about things. if you’re jealous, scared, worried, concerned, upset, angry, ANYTHING, we need to talk it out. This being together for a couple months and then disappearing isn’t going to work and I won’t put myself through that. I did it for 5 months, and now I’ve done it for almost a month and that was too long. Not again. I will not break my own heart by letting someone else break it. I just want an answer.

All I need is an answer. (Let’s hope I feel this confident come Sunday. I have one more day to get all my thoughts processed out. I’d honestly do it tomorrow if I knew he’d be home, but I’m like 99% sure he’ll be at his dad’s like he normally is. But just one more day.🤞🏻)

He let me rant, get everything that’s been on my mind out, told me his input and gave me some advice that actually hit me and made me realize what I need to do and when.

I haven’t felt this okay about everything in weeks and now (and hopefully it stays this way for a few more days) I feel the most calm about what I want to say and do regarding cute dude without second guessing myself.

I’m not looking for anyone to tell me anything. I just need to talk about it. I’m sorry he’s all I talk about. He’s all I think about. I miss him so goddamn much and it’s only been 3 weeks. How did I do this for 5 months? I can’t stop thinking about it. He won’t leave my head. I just want him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. He’s all I want right now.