Hi I have ADHD and have just recently got into a relationship with someone who has been very understanding about it. She asked me about the things she would "need to know or I'd like her to know" about it. For example, I'm not forgetting where I put my keys everytime they leave my hand on purpose. It's just the ADHD. Do you think you could make me like a ADHD relationship everything you need to be aware of list? Sort of like a starter pack. I'm no good at this kind of thing.
Sure! Full disclosure: Iâve never been in a relationship. Also, this is not a complete list!Â
This is a real symptom of ADHD that affects our ability to accurately sense the passage of time (âItâs only been 10 minutesâhow can it be 3 am?!â) Time blindness can also cause issues estimating how long something will take (âIt should only take me 5 minutes to get ready!â) and judging the urgency of things that our brains perceive as far away (âI know I should study for the test, but itâs not until next weekâI have plenty of time!â).
Our frontal lobes do not reign in strong emotions like they should, so we tend to have strong, impulsive reactions, especially when we are upset. RSD, or rejection sensitive dysphoria, is part of this: if we perceive even mild criticism or rejectionâor even fail to meet our own expectationsâit can feel like the end of the world.
Because we donât produce enough neurotransmitters, our brains are chronically starved for stimulation. Under-stimulation is boredom, but an extreme levelâand for people with ADHD, it can actually cause secondary depression.
This is why people with ADHD forget what they were about to say, forget what YOU just said, or forget to pick up groceries, pay bills, or turn in their homework. This is not carelessness. It is a working memory deficit caused by neurological differences.
Attention dysregulation (not deficit)
This is one of the main problems in ADHD. We struggle to control the subject and intensity of our focus. This means that we can exhaust ourselves trying to focus for one hour in classâbut may spend all day hyperfocusing on our newest project, even forgetting to eat or drink. Others may think that this means the ADHDer can focus âwhen they want to,â but hyperfocus is usually not voluntary and can be as hard to control as inattention.
Executive functions are cognitive skills housed in the frontal lobe (the brain region most affected by ADHD). These include things like emotional regulation and working memory; also organization, planning and prioritizing, and task initiation.Trouble with task initiation is often perceived as laziness or procrastination. In reality, executive dysfunction can cause an ADHDer to get âstuckâ before starting, even if they really want to do the task. Difficulty with task initiation is why I get âstuckâ in my car after parkingâand sometimes cannot seem to leave it on my own, even when the interior of the car is over 140 degrees.Â
I firmly believe everyone with ADHD should do their best to own it and learn to manage it. Most ADHDers learn various coping strategies to help them deal. But itâs also important that the people in our lives have realistic expectations and know that even when we try our best, we will still have symptoms. It is not a sign that we donât care about them or arenât trying.
