Dear God,

Dear God,

Is it Imposter Syndrome or am I genuinely not equipped for this? I feel undeserving of my salary, my husband, my family. I can't bear to look at construction workers because I feel like I am doing them injustice even when I have done nothing wrong. I am uncomfortable "receiving". I don't know how. I am the most awkward receiver. I've been distracting myself from these emotions and thoughts through mobile games, but now the effect has worn out. Now it's time to face the music.

Jan. 07, 2024 ~ Thursday

Dear God,

We had board game night yesterday. It turned out better than I expected.

Subconsciously, anxiety was already getting to me this whole time. My bad expectations came from that anxiety. I don't know if it's because our board game bonding with my cousins is a good thing and my anxiety gives me a hard time believing that good things will last. It's saying "This is to good to be true. Something wrong is bound to happen here."

Wow. Talk about wanting to learn to relax better this year.

My husband helps ground me in reality by offering me perspective. He uses words like "benefit of the doubt". That's also what I need sometimes.

True enough, things turned out great, and we had a lot of fun. It felt good to be surrounded by people who just want to enjoy a good card game/board game with you.

At the back of my mind, my anxiety is saying "But what if something goes wrong?"

Dear God,

2023 opened my eyes to how social media paved the way for dopamine addiction and higher tendencies of self-centeredness. The urge to do things "for the Gram" is high. Fear of missing out becomes second nature. Planning things for the "perfect picture". Which breeds comparison. Which breeds discontent, envy, jealousy, covetousness.

This year I wonder, would life be more peaceful if I don't know what everyone else is up to? Would I be more left out because I'm not as updated as everyone?

Jan. 04, 2024 ~ Thursday

Dear God,

It's all starting to make sense now. There are two particular posts that have really made me feel understood on a whole new level.

The first post is about correcting the parenting trend that teaches children "It's ok for you to be angry but it's not ok for you to hit."

I like how the post illustrated that many times, kids already know this especially if you've been teaching it to them already. The problem is kids still don't know what to do with their angry feelings.

It showed a reimagined version also where the parents, instead of copying that trend, sat with their child's anger and made their child feel understood.

I realized that's what I needed with all this anger surfacing in my life. In order to process if, anger demands to be heard, to be understood, and to be validated.

The second post is about the scientific phenomenon behind anger (especially when a person is now learning to set boundaries). The post says

"It's healthy if you experience anger after shifting out of dorsal vagal shutdown. Dorsal vagal shutdown can feel like being alone in a dark room, cold and collapsed. You may feel like there's something wrong with you if after you finally shift through all the hopelessness, shame, and exhaustion, you then experience anger, rage, or are wound up.

What's been frozen comes alive. Know that you are making your way home towards the state of regulation. When you understand this process and no longer label it as wrong, your nervous system can complete and integrate the past. You won't add the second layer of suffering that comes from self-judgment that amplifies dysregulation."

This is something the people from my culture won't even begin to undertsand, but I hope to spread awareness about it. Many are suffering because they are deceived.

What do you think is the most common addiction in the world today?

What do you think is the most dangerous thing in the world?

Jan. 02, 2024 ~ Tuesday

Dear God,

It's been a long time since I visited this platform. My last post was 2018. Lately I've been craving to write again. The million thoughts in my head are seeking release. They are seeking a safe space to be held.

Today, people are slowly going back to work after all the crazy social events during the holidays. By now, both my husband and I are just exhausted. Oh yeah, did I mention to my 2018 self that I already have a husband? She would probably be shocked or delighted or both.

Going back, we've been spending a lot of time sleeping. Personally, I get really drained after social events. I'm loving this time of solitude and not being surrounded by people and all their expectations.

Why do people pressure themselves so much around the holidays? Do you really need to attend every single family event? Do you really need to burn yourself out cooking for every body? I'm the one getting tired just by watching all of them. 2023 really made me realize how much mental and emotional energy gets wasted by browsing social media every minute. This year, I'm learning to really be more present and not be afraid of slow unplugged living.

Not all people are happy with that. I know so many relatives who get angry when they can't get a hold of you through your number or social media platform. Might be even better to have a deactivated social account and let them reach you via your number instead (for emergencies).

I hate it when people force me into conversation with them. I am not answering the phone because I don't want to talk to you. Because I don't like your attitude. I know if it's something important and I need to respond. Otherwise, let me respond by my own choice and learn to regulate your own emotions.

This post might sound surprising to my 2018 self. Now that I'm learning to set boundaries, a lot of anger is surfacing. I'm learning to process this one day at a time. And if this surprising rant about social events is startling to my 2018 self, I'm just getting started.

Nov. 05, 2018 // Monday

Dear God,

How did I reach this point in my life?

      The words “God loves me” are something I now find hard to believe. I “know the right answers by head knowledge” yet here I am confused. I know that there was a time in my life when I knew You not just because I memorized things about You but because I was really living in an intimate relationship with You. Wasn’t that just a few months ago? A few weeks ago? What happened to me, Lord? This is definitely something that gradually happened. I did not just wake up one day and suddenly thought, “Am I unforgivable now?”. The enemy is a cunning trickster, a master of deception who knows how to work in the most subtle but deadly ways.

      I know that running away won’t solve my problems and yet here I am longing to run away to a different country where I can start over.

      I know that I have to face the responsibilities I’ve committed to and yet here I am burdened by all of them, seeking relief from all the pressure.

      I know that I should love my brothers and sisters in Christ yet here I am giving them the silent treatment, refusing to respond to their messages.

      But most of all, I’ve become insecure when it comes to my standing with You. Help me believe again, Lord. Lead me back to You.

      Earlier today, a sister in Christ counseled me and gave me this verse. I believe in Your Love for me, Lord. Help my unbelief.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”