Sunday Kind of Love

And then I go through these things. I am forced to drive past every day.  And every day I look and am pained. I listen to the songs over and over to desensitize.  And now I am just over-raw with their effect. I offer to cheer him up today and he originally says no, only to say yes later; cause you cancelled even though I asked first.

I can only blame myself at this point. Cause no matter how postive I am acting on the outside. No matter how many steps I am taking to make every other part of my life better.

One,  This is possibly the thing I want most in life right now.  I want you to have the moment.  The moment when you wake up in the morning and see her laying next to you and think about everything you lost/replaced/traded for it.  I want you to have her wake up and look in your eyes just as the thought you weren't worth losing her crosses her mind. I want her to see that.  I want you to feel the damage.

Having this want makes me feel like the worst person on the planet.  It is unusually cruel.  It makes me think maybe I didn't really love you, because you don't wish these things on people you love.  It makes me feel like I deserved the crap you put me through.  Twice.  It is a terrible want.  And it's even worse cause the fact that it's terrible doesn't make me want it any less.

Two.  Today my best friend, her baby, and I were driving back to the apartment where we live.  Our current favorite jams were blasting through the speakers and we were singing off key at the top of our lungs,  And in that 7 minute drive, it was the first time, since I got back that for more than one minute I forgot how sad I am.  I forgot how much I missed you.  I forgot that I no longer have you to look forward to in my life.  I forgot  Time with two of the most important people on the planet to me, some solid pop music, and driving made my heart a bit lighter for 7 minutes tonight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kprs0D80kx8

“In that moment, Blue was a little in love with all of them. Their magic. Their quest. Their awfulness and strangeness. Her raven boys.” 

And I almost do. The reflex is so inantely there. And then I have to experience the complete loss all over again.

You don't have the right to my updates anymore. Just like at some point you decided to stop giving me yours. And on the day of my biggest update, the world/fate/anything decided to have a cruel sense of humor. And I had to tell you. And it felt so normal.  And it felt like every other time.

And then it wasn't. The loss hit me hardest right then.

I don't get to know. And yet somehow you still get to.

It hurts. That's it.

I used to be an insomniac. Never medically diagnosed. But, the basic requirements were there. The status quo tended to be bed by 5am. Wake up at 6:30.

It got worse after the first break. I had a year filled with little to no sleep. And yet filled with far too much of it at the same time.

Then came the move. Still a night owl. But, sleep came easier.

Then came the second break. And the ever present cycle began again.

Then you came. You met me as the girl who never slept. And yet had all the energy in the world. Years of training. And then you happened. It was small at first. Barely, noticeable. But, slowly, I slept. Like a person should. Soundly, Safely.

And now I sleep. Not always consistently early. But, never as late.