Rebel State of Mind

My blog is meant for physical & mental inspiration and motivation, but today I need to vent. Sometimes it’s best to put your thoughts into words. 

I’ve been struggling lately, mentally and physically. Of course, it’s also that time of year when things get hectic. 

Physically, I haven’t been to the gym in 2-3 weeks and surprisingly put on quite a bit of weight. The first week missed was do to an injury and getting back in the gym hasn’t been on my mind due to holiday get-togethers and what not. In the back of my mind, the fact that I missed the gym, is always there. Always itching at me that another day has been wasted. I can’t help but look at my body in disgust and I hate that I’ve been thinking this way. I’ve been the same “size” since high school and I’m just ready to be healthy and fit. 

Money has also been a huge issue for me. I’ve been living pay check to paycheck since I moved out of my mom’s house. It’s absolutely draining. If it weren’t for my partner, I would be in a lot of trouble financially. This has been making it difficult to eat healthy, unfortunately it cost a lot for healthy food.  

I am currently trying to assess my work situation and start moving in to my desired field. I’m hoping I can make more money and finally start moving forward instead of running in place. 

Mentally, I have been struggling and this is something I don’t like to admit. We all have our ups and downs, but I am in a place I don’t want to be. I can honestly say this dark place I’m in is caused by work. I am so done with my current job. I know it is frowned upon to talk about work, especially online, so I will talk in broad. I work with only a few individuals, who are very angry, aggressive, and impatient people. I’ve put up with it for 6.5 years. It has such a negative, toxic affect on me I’ve come to my breaking point. I am in the process of breaking. I don’t want it to lead to more negative things, so I am hoping to move on from this place early next year. I know it won’t be easy, but it needs to be done. My happiness is so drained from this place, it haunts me in my sleep and when I’m not even at work. 

I also keep getting pressure from my partner to get engaged. It’s not that I don’t want to, I absolutely do, but I need to be 100% happy with myself before doing so. I don’t want to get engaged and be depressed. I need to some things before I take that enormous step in life. 

I’ve decided to list some short term goals to help me move forward:

Get cheaper car (monthly payments & gas)

Get new job

Pay debt - to people I owe

File taxes

Use tax return to payoff credit cards 

Get straight A’s this semester

Hit the gym the hardest I ever have