Letting go of the old me..

So I've been diagnosed w severe depression. I guess it's not normal to not get dressed for several days, or not shower for 3 or 4 days. To not have any energy to do basic stuff around the house. I guess that's been my Normal for so long I can't remember not feeling this way. I feel most my friends local have given up on me. I see snaps of them hanging out. I see pics on IG.. I live on a fucking couch. Feel like my ass is glued to it. Rarely leave the house. That's just my life. I hate it. I guess my friends are like the others. Just forget to ask or don't want to ask bc I always feel like shit..

I feel I've reached that point I'm numb: so beyond tired of everything . I'm afraid I'm getting close to where I was a few years ago. I don't want to go back there. That was a very dark & scary time. It's 130 am and I don't feel tired. Hoping things change quickly. Tired of living on the couch in my pjs..

Lately things have been really rough. I'm drained all the time & feel like crap most of the time. Today was really bad. So tired of feeling like crap. Today I was thinking how hopeless it all feels. What a burden I feel like to everyone. My medical expenses are just insane seeing all these specialists. I'm trying to loose weight & all I could do today is eat. 🙄 I hate being an emotional eater but always have been. I hope they change my meds & figure this out. Tired of my life being on hold. I have pretty much no social life. My social life is 98.% social media. How sad is that?! I get crazy anxiety being out & doing things. I hate this.

Things have been so crazy lately. Dr appointments weekly that's almost a 2 hour drive to get there.. seeing many different specialists to try to get answers. It's costing so much $$ and draining me physically & emotionally. I start seeing a psychiatrist this week. Hopefully it will help my depression. I feel like my depression is completely out of control. I actually got invited to a BBQ this weekend. But of coarse that day I had to get up way early for my appointment & I felt like death all day. Went home & tried to sleep but I couldn't. So I had to bail. As usual. I hate cancelling on people. I know that if I keep cancelling the invites will stop, it's so hard when your body is fighting against you. I want more than anything to be around people but my body is like nope.. I feel like Ive developed major social anxiety. I'm just not used to being around people. If it's a group of people I get unbelievably nervous. Usually get sick to my stomach. I have the life of someone who's 85..

So all day I felt in a fog,, I didn't feel awake until 10 pm., now it's 1 am and I'm not even tired.. I miss being normal..

I feel like so much crap has been going on. Feels like I can't catch my breath. Last month I promoted in a business that I really love. I really am in shock of what & how much I earned. I feel like everything is 20 times harder but I far exceeded my expectations & goals.. Things have been crazy with doctors, tests, the kids, but I exceeded my goals. Like that's amazing. I'm very proud of myself. I'm really working on improving myself & I feel that's costing me some past friendships.. that's ok.. that's their decision..

I think it's interesting what you learn about yourself & those around you when you have your own business. I'm doing something sooo different for me. I'm actually having success.. I hit a HUGE promotion last month & 2 of my friends not on my team congratulated me.. I cried my eyes out the night it happened. I did something I never dreamed possible and 2 people outside my team understood it.. I mean can't even hit like on my promotion post? I mean there were probably 5 posts from leaders & ysisters that I was tagged in about it., it kinda stings.. like um ok.. I'm actually very proud of myself for earning that promotion. I have been struggling w my health so much the last few months but I still did it!