Realize the World

So this is the post of a 30 something year old woman who has made a dent in her career thus far... and feels she has made it far enough in life that she can write in run on sentences if she’d like to, goddamnit. 

This is the post of a woman who has lived a lot of her life for other’s (because it never fails to get me a paycheck) and who at this point is seeing the big picture, finally... I’ve been promoting and marketing and outreaching and busting my ass, essentially, for all of you all this time. You’re getting a percentage of my pay. You’re getting to say yes or no or “Come up with more ideas,” you haven’t even tried at the drop of a hat, and getting to reap the benefits of all of my hard work with little thank you and lots of “gimme gimme gimme”, “we need,” we need,” we need” uttered at the very next breath. PLUS I’ve heard enough of the “I’m going on vacation, but I’ll need you to think about working your breaks around mine, even though you work WAY harder than me and know way more about what’s going on than I do” to last to retirement.

But... I DON’T WANT THAT. WHY would I want to work for you another day, month, year, if all I am to you is a machine you disregard and see as an output, input, measure. BOY you will miss me when I am gone.

After Carla committed suicide, I wanted to hide my identity as a therapist even more. Grieving and choosing to make a living as a support for others highly drains you of your energy. I even lost a friend during this time period on top of everything else, because, though she wanted to help me grieve, she also only has a selfish perspective and naturally, I sought time to myself more than I sought to share it with others. (There’s nothing wrong with that, I know.) But part of processing my grief was stepping outside of it and experiencing the world post grief-depression (Jan-Feb-March-April; I remember it like titles to a book.) Being engaged a year after that time and being in many weddings and funerals those couple years following (really, that long?! I only realized it now.) led to me being introduced to many people by my mother-in-law, and other important people, who would often refer to me as, “my name, The Therapist!” Which often led to too much intrigue for someone who is just trying to BE on their off days. I’m okay now. And decided not to grieve this anniversary of her death coming up, which feels right to me. It may still happen, and I’m okay with that. 

I guess why this post is revolutionary to me is that I’m ready to put myself out there again with new friends. And... a girl called me today to chat. A girl who is not feeling so good about herself right now. And called me as a friend from a group we’re both apart of. Not as “The Therapist.” It was really nice to have a two-way conversation. It felt brave. To be open to her and not afraid of befriending someone with serious mental health issues after Carla. Especially because she is someone who is not hiding her feelings, she is open about them because she wants to get better. Carla, on the other hand, never said a word. Hence, my massive devastation. 

Talking to you is like talking to my mom.

All you do is ask about whether I’m going to have kids or get married soon. 

And you ask me about my job. 

And.... that’s where the conversation stops.

      What is the last thing I wrote about?       What do I find funny?       What are my hobbies?       Who are my friends?       Why don’t I bring them around you?

              You are judgemental of everyone, like you walk on water (you don’t). Like you’re the only one I can be friends with (cause I’m one of the few you have.) 

      I’M TIRED OF BEING YOUR LIFE SUPPORT

                    YOUR SOUNDING BOARD

      YOU WANT A ONE-DIMENSIONAL FRIEND?

Oh, you have a man now!

“I will officially stop seeing you for you!” - married friend

“What are YOU GUYS doing?!” - married friend “How are YOU GUYS doing?” - married friend

“How is your partner’s job?!” - married friend

“You never ask about ME anymore!!” - married friend ( Me: You couldn’t even name what I do outside of “work” and “Tony”, don’t give me that balony.)

“I told you about the party! You said you’re coming!” - married friend (Me: No, you told my man. He said he’s going. He doesn’t speak for me.)

“It’s so great you guys are together! I love this!” - married friend

Me: WE’RE JUST ONE PERSON NOW, TO YOU! 

Me: Now you can have shitty communication & assume everything about us based off of what one person is doing!

Me: MAKES YOUR SHITTY VERSION OF A FRIEND THAT MUCH MORE ATTAINABLE, WHICH IS WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED.

I am no longer ME, I am HIM, in your mind.

A new friend 

                   In your life

                                     Wouldn’t it be nice

                       To add

Sophistication

                       to your daily life.

Not sweating small stuff.

Relaxation, relaxed minds.

Discussion about hobbies.

Enjoying a moment in time without whining.

DINNER DATES - with nothing to say.

                           - We are fine.

                           - Talks about other things in life

                           - News & Strife

                           - Politics without arguing

                           - Interest without emotion

                           - Discussion without personalizing

                           - Observing without judging

It would be nice to add 

   A lot more maturity,

I have found him, the love of my life.

                             and now I have ERASED the time I used to spend WRITING & BITCHING w/ Friends about BROKEN HEARTS & poetry & the uselessness of ON-LINE DATING.

I have found comfort & fatness & had all my needs met.

I have started the path of recognizing ANNOYING FRIENDS who don’t get your man or don’t get you for you, always trying to make you them, get you to DANCE AT 4AM when you want to be sleeping with your man because... they need a WING-MAN. But can’t they find their own, Man? You’re tired. You’ve grown out of this, Man. 

So… my boyfriend today tried to act self-righteous about having bought me Starbucks without a “Thank you” after he simpered and moaned about coming to the gynecologist’s office with me. 1. I asked him days ahead of time to take me and be supportive in case she decides to take my IUD out. 2. He makes me wake him up the morning of. I do. 3. We get to the parking lot (it’s pouring rain) and he says, “ok. I’ll wait for you out here. I have to go to Starbucks.” I give him that look. “You said you were coming here with me. I told you what happened last time I got it in. Come in with me and be supportive. I told you I was scared.” Him: “Well I really wanted to get Starbucks, though.” 😒 Then wake up 20 min earlier like an adult and go get it before the appt. 4. We get into the office and we’re sitting, waiting. He’s making a crabby face, which the nurses at the counter detect and look at me like, “Why him?” I go to grab his hand (inside his pocket, balled up in a fist) and he limp-hands me. I give him that look. He balls it up in a lighter fist this time and leaves his thumb available for grooming. 😒 5. I go through the appt, I come out, we get in the car. His contribution, “Do you want Panera or Starbucks?” 😒No, “how was it? How did it go?” 6. He decided to go to Starbucks. He orders a drink and a sandwich. I ordered a drink and a sandwich. We get to the drive-up window… the worker gives us two drinks and only one sandwich. My thoughtful boyfriend says thanks and starts to drive away. I say, “what about the other sandwich?” Boyfriend says, “You can have mine. I don’t think the guy heard me.” 😒 7. I open the door of the car. Boyfriend is yelling at me. I go inside to ask about the other sandwich and indicated that we might not have been charged for it. They say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s on us.” 8. I walk out in the rain again to his car parked furthest away from the entrance. Boyfriend already finished his sandwich. He’s fine. 9. 😡 10. Boyfriend says I didn’t even thank him for the Starbucks.

I say, “you know what I would really like? I would really like you to thank me every time I don’t get pregnant and have to deal with devices fucking up the inside of my body." Boyfriend whines and “goes to bed.”