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Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders

There are many different kinds of orgasm control. The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'. I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation. The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.

Starting Out

In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.

Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.

Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again: "This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."

Again, Why Does He Want This?

I am not going to spent much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:

"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.

Giving you control may be a turn on for him.

It spices things up in long term relationships.

Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.

It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.

It's sexy and fun to have you in control.

etc.

There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:

No pressure on you for sex

However, you get sex when and how you want it.

Cages look sexy

You set the rules

You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.

etc

The Spectrum of Orgasm Control

Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this things a spin.

All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.

Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.

Not Locked

Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.

This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.

2. Self-locked

Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof it purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.

This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.

3. Sometimes Locked

Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.

This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed duration decided upon by the keyholder.

This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.

4. Default Locked

In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.

This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.

When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will relock immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.

Locking Pragmatics

Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.

Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the locking up themselves.

Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.

Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.

I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?

Short answer - wherever you like.

But my recommendation? I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.

If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.

Expand your Knowledge

Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.

1, cage him. 100% of the time it should be locked. No exceptions. Morning and night. Work and vacation. Out with friends or a night in. If you remove it to have some fun, immediately make him put it back on.

2, fuck him. This doesn’t require unlocking him. In fact, it is best that you leave him locked so that his bottom becomes more sensitive. Peg him regularly to the point where this is what he thinks of when he thinks of sex. If you keep him caged long enough and peg him regularly then soon he’ll be begging you to fuck his ass and he’ll forget about that useless caged cock dangling helplessly as you fuck him.

3, emasculate him. this comes in so many forms. Boss him around. Enforce your rules. Make him wear lingerie or cute little costumes when you peg him. Make him wear panties to work under his clothes. Paint his toenails pink to matvh his pretty little pink cage. Mock his small little caged cock. My favorite thing i do is we pick a day of the week where he is expected to dress as a french maid, clean the house, do the laundry, and wait on me hand and foot.

If you make all three of these things, a regular occurrence, then you will have successfully entered into what I consider a perfect female lead relationship.

Whether you lock up your man for the weekend, for Locktober/NO-vember/Denial December or some other amount of time, here are 10 fun ideas & tips to make the chastity experience better for you while your man gains his pleasure through yours. Most of what is below is meant to create a horny, frustrated, caged man because they will do almost anything for your pleasure! Enjoy.

1. Part time bitch! I love my husband. I love to run my fingers through his hair. I love kissing him deeply. But I also LOVE the look of surprise and flash of fire and excitement in his eyes when I get a bit bitchy with him when he’s locked up. I’m not talking about being an unreasonable psychopath, just assertive. This would include telling him things I want to happen like a massage, oral pleasure, making meals, snuggling or getting me a drink. I don’t ask, I just tell him. His little cage becomes that much tighter when my inner bitch comes  and I love the feeling of control.

2. Sizing him up. I’ve found this works whether locked or unlocked. If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know that my husband is my 3rd lover that I have engaged in chastity with. All 3 would get hard as a steel or would twitch in their cage when I called their manhood small. Let’s be clear, I’m not a dominatrix so I’m not trying emasculate them or humiliate them.  But in times of passion or even casusal conversation, asking how my ‘little friend’ is doing down here, or telling him to stroke his little dick slower or faster, if I allow it, or commenting on how cute his little penis looks all produce very effective results. I also love that I can get him instantly hard with my playful and sexy words.

3. Edging. The longer your man is locked up, the more handsy, horny and pleasing he becomes. One way to build that excitement more quickly is through edging. Edging is when he is stimulated to the near point of ejaculating, but he’s not allowed to cum. Either he can do the edging or you can. Personally, I like to do it because I have full control of his pleasure. I love laying next to him with one leg over his. I love stroking his cute little dick and talking dirty because I am causing him such pleasure but love even more that I have the power to take it away. “Does it feel good baby?” “Do you like when I jerk it?” “Ask me to stroke your little dick.” “You know you’re not allowed to cum, right?” Usually there is a whimper or sigh here which makes my heart skip a beat and my inner thighs tingle. “Tell me when you’re close because if you cum, you’ll have to start your lockup time all over again.” This goes on until he tells me he’s close, where his hips are deliciously grinding into the air, that’s when I stop stroking. He usually lets out some frustrated noises and I tell him to go clean up and lock up. The rush of excitement I get is intense. I used to feel guilty years ago with my first chastity boyfriend, but I have learned it is such an erotic rush for the man and the control I have over his pleasure, it gets me so wet. Once he returns and he’s locked up I have him use his tongue to bring me to orgasm. Nothing beats the tongue work and energy of a sexually frustrated, locked up, horny man! 

4. Ruining things. One very small step further from edging is a ruined orgasm. This happens when you push ever so slightly past the point of edging where the ejaculation process initiates just after stimulation stops. It is not full on “cumming” because the stroking, rubbing, stimulation ends before or immediately at the point of no return starts.  The result is the release of some cum but no reduction in arousal. I do this sometimes when I’m feeling very naughty. I may even take some of his cum and use it as a lubricant for a few moments of self masturbation before I climb onto his face. If you’ve never had your man go down on you with his cum on your pussy, I highly recommend it. You’ll be cumming from his tongue action in record time with amazing intensity!

5. Cage cumming. At times, just to drive him wild, I will take my Hitachi wand and run it on his aching balls and all over his cage. If I do this long enough, he’ll cum but I won't  always let him. If he does cum, it is basically a ruined orgasm because just before his little willy begins to spurt, I take away the vibration. Sometimes I make a game of it. I’ll tell him if he can last 5 minutes then he can get something he wants, except he can’t ask to be released. He usually doesn’t last, especially if he’s been locked up for any length of time. Remember the cum lube for masterbating? Another option if you let him cum is to rub his seed on your tits and let him suck on them - all very fun and very, very sexy!

6. Make love to your husband. Sometimes I will let him out of his cage and let him have sex until I cum. He may not cum and he locks up after I have had my orgasm. But when I tell my husband I want to make love with him, I literally want to fuck him in the ass with my strapon. Again, I’m not a dominatrix. I’m not fucking him, yelling, “take that dick bitch!” while beating his ass with a whip. We are moving lovingly and romantically. It’s me laying on his back, skin on skin grinding into him or it’s him laying on his back and we are passionately kissing while I play with his cage. There’s moaning with lots of dirty talk by me and sometimes we both cum together. I love sending him a picture of me wearing the strapon and telling him what a romantic evening I have planned.

7. When he fucks me. One of my favorite things to do, aside from getting oral pleasure is to get fucked with his strapon. I love the look of his small cage just below the dildo. I love feeling his little caged dick smacking against my ass while he’s fucking me. I love how this bigger dick feels inside me and the places it reaches. You can be sure that I’m telling my husband exactly how good this larger dildo feels and I compare his size to the dildo which drives him crazy! This excitement causes him to pound me even harder! Yes, we sometimes both grt to cum, but I cum every single time. 

8. Grab him by the balls. I like to caress his balls, especially when they are caged. They feel so full and firm! I love to squeeze them with some force at the request of my husband which I’ve really grown to love. The feeling of his 2 balls in my hand, the warmth and several nice, firm squeezes makes him moan. This also gets me turned on as well.

9. Vacations. There is daily teasing that goes on at home whenever my husband is locked up. Me brushing my ass against his cage, flashing him my tits or ass, or fondling his cage or balls. I like to keep him locked for a minimum of 2 weeks at a time or longer to get the full effect of the frustrated, horny man. I also don’t tell him how long he will be locked because it is MY decision, not his. Sometimes a vacation lands in the middle of his lock time.  First, my husband’s cage is metal and if you are going anywhere with a metal dector, like an airport, you should have a backup plastic or resin cage. Prior to leaving, I will have him switch cages to the plastic model then we’ll fly to our destination. I’ve had him caged at the beach and scuba diving, at a several weddings, 2 different countries and 4 theme parks (cages and roller coasters are amazing!). Yes, there have been times I’ve let him out on vacation and we’ve been a ‘normal couple’ which is a fun surprise for him.  But more often than not, his little boy is locked up and his mouth and hands are quite busy during most of our vacations

10. Inner bum. The art of a prostate massage can be quite pleasurable. Inside of a man’s anus, about a half of a finger length in and opposite the spine is the prostate. If massaged, it can give an intense feeling of pleasure. This is the area where the fluid of semen is produced. By massaging the prostate, you can also make him expel this fluid which appears like cum minus the sperm which are.produced in the testicles. It is amazing that you can make him “cum” several times until he has ejected all of the seminal fluids that were built up and boy is it sexy to watch. I prefer using my finger so I can feel what I am doing but they also make prostate massagers that you can insert that do the same job.

1) more frequent orgasms - every weekday morning after the gym and a shower, I have my husband give me an orgasm using his mouth, hand or vibrator. This has really kept me motivated going to the gym and that’s just my morning workday routine!

2) a faux dick - my husband has a strap on to wear when I’m in the mood to get fucked but I’m not ready to unlock him. The desperate effort he puts into those hips when he fucks me while caged is intense & the orgasms are unreal! One tip for the strap on, put the dildo in hot water first to get it to around 98.7 degrees for a more natural feel.

3) sex - when I unlock him and we make love he knows that he cannot cum before I do. Our love making is passionate and raw. After I orgasm, he will ask me if he can cum when he’s close. If he’s been really good, I’ll let him. Other times I’ll say ‘no’ and tell him to go lock back up. It’s so sexy to have him melting in my hands and lusting with desire for me after I deny him an orgasm.

4) handjobs - I love to unlock him and blindfold him so he’s not looking at me. I’ll grab the oil and rub his dick. I start slow with gentle strokes then move to faster, firmer strokes. I love listening to his breathing and watching his body moving with pleasure. I also love how hard his cock feels as I’m stroking him. When he tells me he is getting close, I remove my hands and let that feeling of about to cum go away. Then I’ll start again to bring him to the edge 2 or 3 more times. Many times I will stop before he cums and snuggle up to him, laying on his chest, listening to his breathing become less heavy and watching his erection go away. Then I’ll tell him to go lock up. The sexual power of doing this without an ejaculation keeps his hands all over me for days and days. I love that sexual control over him.

5) Rules - a popular question I have been asked on my Tumblr deleted account is if guys are allowed to ask be unlocked or to ask to cum? Some wives will say, ‘no’ they can’t ask and will extend the time to be locked. Others will say ‘yes’ because they want to hear him beg and they may or not release him. The rules should be clear. My husband has only asked to be released 2 times. Both went like this. Him: can you unlock me? It’s been so long. Me: [sad face] No. Sorry. [smirk] But now you’ll be locked up for 2 more weeks for asking.” I think I made myself clear - I decide. Another rule for my hubby is that he has to go to the gym at least 4 days a week for me to consider unlocking him, otherwise I will add more time. He’s lost just over 10 pounds and his starter 6-pack abs really contrast with his steel cage! Make sure he knows your rules and expectations either by your words or actions.

6) don’t let it get stale (teasing & denial) - if you have your man caged, you already love being in control. Do you know the most effective way to fuck with a man after locking him up? A constant effort to make his dick hard in the cage. That means teasing and it melts their f-ing minds! Wear revealing things. Brush your ass against his cage when you walk by. Tell him things you would do to him if he wasn’t locked. Grab his cage and tease him that his dick can’t get hard. The more you tease, the more rewards you get in the form of attention!

“He acts like he wants to be let out to have sex but when I do, he is frustrated or annoyed after. Why? “

Answer: very simple. Does he want to have sex? Absolutely. He’s been locked in the cage for x amount of time. However he does NOT want you to let him out. if he agreed to be locked in a chastity cage and he gave you the keys, he wants you to be mean to him. He wants you to keep him locked up no matter how much he asks you to unlock him (I suggest making a rule that he is not allowed to ask to be unlocked. If he does, there should be a punishment). It’s part of the game. You’re supposed to say no often. it ruins the fun for him when you unlock him too often or too soon. It also ruins the fun for him when he has to tell you or ask you to be more strict or to keep him locked. It defeats the purpose.

I often say, only unlock him if you actually want to. This is ultimately true But this isn’t exactly the truth. You should keep him locked even when you want to unlock him sometime. Explore different ways of having intimacy and sex.

I have news for you young ladies visiting this tumblr site… You’ve been lied to… Femdom (Gynarchy and Matriarchy) is not what all the hateful jaded women and self-loathing sissies out there in cyberspace try to make it out to be… I’ve been around awhile…

Female Domination, (FLR / Femdom) is about a culture of Strong and Wise Women taking the lead and asserting their innate power in personal relationships and in society in general.

It is about women taking charge (and control) of their men - in and out of the bedroom - to get what they want - to subliminally train their men (naturally) to submit to their female guidance in all things. It is about teaching, leading and training a man to be a better person, a better devotional venerating lover… It is about focusing his mind and psyche on giving rather than receiving, making his woman happy, contented and fulfilled… Femdom (FLR) is also about transitioning and transforming him into a stronger healthier man… There is absolutely no contradiction in a hyper-masculine Virile Alpha Male – Completely and Willfully Submitting to a DOMINANT SUPERIOR WOMAN…

Femdom (FLR) is NOT about humiliating and/or belittling men, treating them as worthless, humiliating them or acting as if they are inferior creatures made to lick the dirt off of womens’ feet… This is just online idiocy and BS the way I see it… I Love and Adore My Venerating. Doting, Healthy, Virile MAN… And So do all the other astute progressive women I associate with socially…

Femdom and “FLR” is about a Woman asserting her power over a man because it’s totally natural that she wants to be in control… She believes she was born to be in charge, and she believes she has earned the right to be in charge… She believes her guidance (in and out of the bedroom) is superior, because she knows intuitively that her inner strength and her inner wisdom is superior to that of a man’s… Sexually, it is about the natural transfer of intoxicating hypnotic sexual power… from the strong virile male - to the superior female - and the transformation of personal identity… The Lady Fucks... The Man gets fucked!  He’s grateful just to be a part of it… Even if this means the woman wanting him to fuck her rough, hard and deep… The woman ultimately decides how things go… After All, Males are sometimes arrested for sexual misconduct, Ladies Are Not… What does that tell you?

Simply stated, I believe in natural female authority - as the core of my family, and share that belief with every other woman in my personal sphere - not because I want a world of weak pathetic men, but because I want a world of strong studly venerating men, who are ultimately guided by the wisdom and strength of even stronger Wiser Women, day-in-and-day-out, in this generation and in all succeeding generations.

A Femdom ”Controlled“  Relationship Does Not Mean … That You Shouldn’t or Can’t - Be Kind, Loving, Generous & Nurturing !!!

Of all the things I can do when I tease a man, the one thing that gives Me the most pleasure is ruining his orgasm. My favorite thing to say is, “Aww, did I ruin that?” I don’t know why, but I get such a thrill when I see his cum dribble out of the end of his cock with no pressure behind it at all.

I admit, it takes practice to get good at ruining orgasms and it is probably the single most often asked question I get. Women who really want to tease and deny their partner want to know exactly how to ruin his orgasms. Here is a quick and dirty outline of how You can learn to ruin Your guy’s orgasms. Remember, every man is different and You will have to learn the signs he gives when he has reached the point of no return. That is, the point at which he is going to ejaculate no matter what You do. You can only learn these signs be watching him closely. Watch his facial expressions, his body movements, which muscles tense and watch his breathing.

You need to get him aroused, obviously, and then You want to bring him as close to an orgasm as You can without allowing him to actually cum while You are touching him. I emphasize that because in order to ruin his orgasm properly, You must stop all physical stimulation at the last possible second.

I recommend that You stroke his cock gently, and with a good amount of lubrication. Although You can do this without lubrication, I find men last longer when they are well lubricated. Give him four or five strokes, fast or slow doesn’t matter. Alternate between fast and slow if You like. The key is in the pause between these sets of strokes. You must pause long enough to allow him to relax just a little before You give him his next set of strokes. The longer You want to tease him, the longer Your pause should be.

Watch him very closely! When You see the signs of an impending orgasm, Stop touching him! Wait at least ten seconds before You touch his cock again. Any less, and You may trigger a full orgasm the instant You start up again. Many men try to hold back their orgasm, especially if You tell them not to cum without Your permission, or if they feel they might cum while You are not touching them. This a good thing. Once You reach that all important point of no return, they can trigger their own ruined ejaculation by trying not to cum.

I have seen men hold out as long as eight seconds before they finally experience a ruined orgasm. That is, eight seconds after You stop touching them. That is why I say You should wait at least ten seconds before You start stroking them again. What You will see is their ejaculate begin to flow out of the tip of their cock smoothly. It will NOT explode as they are used to. The fun part is that no matter how hard they try, they will be unable to pump their cum out with any pressure. They can try. They can flex the muscles that usually make their cum squirt, spurt, or shoot out, but it will not work.

This is why You need to keep their hands bound so that they cannot touch themselves. For if they do, they will be able to have a full orgasm and all Your work will be for naught. The best part about learning to ruin Your guy’s orgasms is that every time you fail, You get to try again.

Next time you start a chastity session, ask him how long you should keep him locked for and what sex position he wants to fuck you in when you get to the end of that time period. there is only 2 rules: first, if he chooses a duration that is shorter than the time you’ve already chosen in your head then you will double whatever he chose (example : if he chose 1 week then it would then be 2 weeks); second, you will not tell him if his duration will be doubled until the time has elapsed (example: 1 week goes by and that is when you tell him it will be 2 weeks)

sounds fair doesn’t it? Too bad for him it doesn’t matter what duration he chose because you will be doubling it no matter what!

The Beautiful Intimacy of Cum Feeding after he leaves

Cum feeding is a creampie cleanup, but a little different. Instead of your cuckold crawling between your legs to clean up, he’s waiting on his back for you to feed the cum to him. You are in complete control. You are the one that determines when he gets to eat. It can feel more intimate and erotic, like the two of you are participating in this wondrous game together. 

It’s most sensual when he’s on his back. He’s vulnerable underneath you. He trusts you completely. He knows exactly what’s in your pussy and he can’t wait for it to fill his mouth.

Doesn’t that thought alone turn you on a little? You have someone else’s cum in your pussy and your husband wants to swallow it. You want you to feed it to him. It’s a beautiful way to recapture the intimacy of a husband and wife relationship after you’ve been with someone else.

If you’ve just been fucked particularly hard, your husband’s tongue can feel wonderfully soothing. He can’t get too vigorous about it, but to feel him lapping at your labia is thrilling.

You’ll hear him moan as you begin to feed him. As your lover’s cum seeps out of your body and into your cuckold’s mouth, he’ll be overwhelmed with lust. This is his favorite part of the night. Isn’t that beautiful? Reconnecting with you by eating another man’s cum from your pussy is your cuckold’s favorite thing. That’s just incredible.

What this lovely girl is doing is a great way to deepen that bond. Take his hands in yours as you feed him cum. Hold them as you gently ride his face and let your lover’s cum drip into his mouth. Enjoy the look of bliss on his face. He’s in his happy place. He’s eating cum from your pussy.

It’s important to remember that he genuinely loves this. He loves that you fucked someone else. He loves that someone else came inside you. He loves eating that man’s cum from you. It’s his favorite thing in the world, and by feeding it to him you’re enhancing that pleasure.

The more active you are in the cum feeding, the more effective it will be. Instead of just sitting on his face and browsing on your phone, use it as a chance to connect with him. Look down at your husband. Encourage him with sensual dirty talk about eating your lover’s cum. Put your hands in his hair. Guide him to the right spot.