🥀🕯My Hiding Reality🥀 🗝

Some times you denied to other who you are even if people can see who you really are and how you are your act or how you react to them or even without talk the expression talk more that billion world.

Personality disorder of type A Paranoid, schizoid,Schizo-typic i have A and B both mix.

Key:  isolation (i always get away from everyone and i prefer to stay alone),  Self-grant: Self-sufficient and lonely(i have that feel and tipe to never need the help of none one even if i need it based it on me only because i feel alone like none one in my side to trust ), Values independence (hard to explain but i i always control my independent), Conception of others: Intruders (some times i think they going to enter on my life and try to know everything about me to talk to others behind my back is hard these day for me to trust someone after all i been thought in my life), Harass and Corral: (Also i feel some times like someone follow me to ask,questions or get inform about me that i don’t like to share more like harass or they going to corral me where is no where to escaped to bullied me or hurt my feeling or myself )

Threat: Feel limited(some times i feel limited about what i say,look or talk to never shared my private life and limited what i can do or what i can’t do and examine the situation before act.) Strategy: hold off ( i always have distance between everyone and hide i a corner where everyone can questions me,talk to me to know more inform about me or never have problem or trouble with anyone) Do not get involved (i also try not to get involved in anything so is anything run happen is not my fault or i think maybe something bad will happen and i be save to better no be involved in anything strange or normal) Effects: Low level of sadness while staying at a distance (i some times feel sadness while staying away from everyone like i want to talk to this person or be friends but why if that person don’t like me or react bad, or something happens i better stay in distance for my own safety even if is hurt been alone and not try to been friends or even try to talk)  Anxious about a close encounter (i can talk and be myself something after someone know me or been close to me like always come to me to talk and be friendly i can like that in a good way not bad one )  Cold( I see there's something going on I don't understand why you're so cold like maroon 5 say yes i am cold too i don’t have feeling or show my emotion to a point i never cry before only when i was a little kids that my mom discipline me i cry the reasons is my past and people that turn me cold)  Distant (again i prefer to be alone than with be people is part of my personality to talk and keep distant) Reserved: (I am slow to reveal emotion or opinions to anybody i am quiet,reserved my private life, anti social and keep it to myself )

They believe - Nuclear: I am alone (i always feel like that way) Relationships with other people do not compensate, they are disastrous (i always think i will some times will end in a disaster with someone) I can do things better if others do not disturb me (I feel also thinking i do thing better is people don’t bother me like better alone than a bad company) Close relationships are undesirable because they interfere with my freedom of action (i always think like i can’t dance or sing in front of this person and i can’t have my freedom space if you know what i means by that ) Conditional: If I got too close to people, I'm going to nail their graphics (like if i get to close to them they going to graphics me their problems and issues something i never want to deal with because i am afraid to give the run advice or don’t know how to answer ) Instrumental: Do not get too close (because i think some times something will happens to me) Keep the distance (like we can be friend but but with a distant to not be to close friends) Do not commit (like i don’t like to commitments something i will not do or forget or even pass or makes promises only to say i will try to be there or see if i can go without the commit to be force to do it )

Personality disorder type B Anti social, Histrionic, Limit, Narcissist

Histrionic: General pattern of excessive emotionalism and pursuit of care (I always try to get all the attention to me and some times i make drama so all the faces look at me and get what i want even if i end hurting what i love to have all the love and attention to myself and try to be the victim of like oh so sad look at that kids he so right if you get me a way to not feel alone and only happen with the closes people around me with people outside some times if i know them)

Causes: Insufficiency of stimuli received in the first year, His objects of inanimate affection will be preferred to humans, Rigid family atmosphere (i been there they discipline me with belt and saddle and never feel the hug or a kiss from my parents only disciplined and never love effects that why i never have feeling,cold or i look like a guy from the military ) Fragmented family communication ( A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflicts, misconduct, and often abuse by individual members occur continuously and regularly i know how is feel like for been the good kids they abused of you and thread you like a marionette )

Key: Expressiveness (when i know someone really good i am expressive some times) Conception Of Oneself: Lovely (I am lovely with everyone one when they come to me and i cause good impression to others) Great (i have good quality like helping others and always be there to help when is need it on anything they want or need me to do) Worthy of attention (eater i ignored someone or try to do thing for attention like i don’t know how to do it can you help even if some times i know it to see how the person will do or react ) Conception Of Others: They see them favorably as long as they gain their attention and affection, and amuse them (that me sometimes i look for attention when i know again someone and try to effect them in a positive way and makes them have a smile and laugh )

Also the Shack Movie tough me something i haven done in my life yet and since them i start working on it

Black Girls Means God

Young Boy Means Jesus Chris

Young Girl means Holy Spirit

The Women With The White Dress Means Wisdom

Old Man Means Forgiveness

The Water Means Sins Forgiven And Washed also means Trust Him And Not Sink Into Sin

Tears Means To Grow Back And Bury The Past Behind

Everything is for a reasons and this is the reasons i have these thing on me not that i want it in my life i need to fix it but past and people in the past also makes you turn into what your personality is today but little by little i will fix it and become more social and friendly and less cold or none expression but yes that my personality that why i say one time i feel i have double life or double personality one of the reasons why maybe because i am both A and B i will work hard on that one and this is the end of the extra i hope you maybe identify has me or feel you have one of these for sure or maybe both end of my story and after this one for sure i will click public and everything will change forever after this last type i am doing right now i have so many feeling,emotion and even doubt but one thing i am sure is to be secured and confident of what i am doing i hope one day i be the person i wanna be or find who i wanna be by dear me,myself and I...  based on a true and real story of my life being shared right now.

2017 25  today and right now i am writing the last chapter of my life after this one every part and inch every secrets will be reveals and exposed to public some will be identity and other don’t i don’t come to find drama,love or hate or even been famous or popular for my story and reputation i write this today because 13 Reasons Why on Netflix is the reasons i decide to do this Hannah Baker inspired me to do my real story because this is who i am this is my story this is my life and true story writing beginning till end not fake or false or inventing all what i wrote happens like they say everything is for a reasons and why i decide to do it because i identify with Hannah Baker the whole time since i start watching it i felt she was me because i been on all that situation and been rape and bullied so i know how she felt even when she hide thing  all that she do and been though been there two and i know how is felt like except taking my life away even if i think about it one time without my stronger faith in Jesus trust me that i never been here right now writing this to you or even be alive...

because in resume to all this chapters i know how is feel been judge...by others or everyone

But sometimes I wish there was a button to get us out of the ugly parts of life and take us to good ones....

because some times i can have the perfect smile but crying inside with the heavy pains carried on me.

Why Me? i felt sometimes why all this always happen to me why i always try to do it right and i end doing it run , a mistake or appositive maybe because that part of life and we need to walk in the storm to have the calm.

How am i supposed to live with that? by fixing my errors and try my best to be i want to be and don’t let my past drown me and sink on me break the hurt and let it go by never remember it again even if it hard some times to forget it and also ask for forgiveness even if it is hard and that person is not by your side or in person if you have the change to see them.

Why didn’t you say this to me when you have me by your side? some times the people you trust the most or been your real or closest friend one day by another everything call fall down and break into nothing leaving you alone  with more questions and answer whiteout a reasons why they change so fast and leave you behind or disappear and never see them again just a simple last text or goodbye saying they never want to see you again or be with you or be friends.

My Faith i been christian since 8 till now i always been to church them catholic church and again to the church i was born not catholic others one even if i was christian i was not the perfect one on God eyes i do a lot of thing by something that happen to me more and more until now that i decide to stop it i leave and delete a lot of thing also in my life and changing,praying a lot also i never forget the time i was afraid and scared to say i was christian to my friend when he ask me i was so stupid thinking i need to say no so i fit in in this cool group of friends then he say why not i am christian and i go to church i denied my faith and my believe in God to fit in on a group of cool kids after that shocking answer my heart break my soul cry inside like this is not me what i became i monster leaving my faith to fit with the cool kids when i was to supposed to say yes i pray at home for forgiveness to God and after that day i never denied my faith again these people in the church are like my second family not in blood but in spirit and heaven i always respect them and never mess with them because they are my family and i family is a family the name say it all someone you respect,trust and never touch or can’t be lovers or married because is your family if you know what i means two and This is the final chapters of my life but not the end because the rest others 25 part of my life i continue to write but to myself and my heart the others half on the future will be mine to keep because is will be clean with hope and bright future behind to built but i share this half because Hannah Baker and I have one thing is common same life and same story with different thing that i never felt before on others series and that the reasons i write it and decide to public so others learn and be the example that not everything that shine is perfect behind every person,each home,place or city or behind these walls there always a dark,sad,deep or waverer happen a secrets story to keep and hide and never tell a least you be like me and share to inspired or to let it go or even to show others what you really are inside and out even if is hurt because there always a you one of the reasons why right like 13 reasons why thank to that series a share my life because trust me without that series i will never will do what i am doing something that open my life thank for exist and make a series that people like me are identify is means a lot to me.

There will be a extra not a chapter of how i am and how thing connect and after that is over and i will click and public everything you can judge me but remember that you have a past like me or worse and even if you denied to everyone you the only one who know it i least everything come to light when you die like some times happen or someone close to you by tell it everyone and not wishing you the worse i am saying that even the most innocent have a hurtful past but we learn and move on so we can be what we wanna be today thank and love you thank for listening or reading a true story of my real dear life.

I feel the worse because i know by this time i let the past come to my head and thing my life is ruin because one day everyone will know my past and because of that past that keep following me i make the mistake to enter on that past and make it a present not by doing the same as them but by trying to feel love and not alone escaping from reality to vitality depress to because i was in a box where i never knew who i am anymore let start with untold website those website where you parent or family so busy in their job or duties that they never knew what teens us do behind that room door and more when we lock it some times to pretend to have privacy the biggest error and mistake tinychat,chatroulette,omegle,chat-avenue chat that i discover and never recommend it to anyone chat-avenue you chat with people and do cam but the dangerous thing is who is behind that chat is can be someone like us or is can be a scary wolf pretend to be like us but fake it to fall in on their traps and do bad thing on a cam and making us their slave since we innocent and we don’t know what we doing and we pretend is for fun until the damage is to late to fix it then omegle is a weirs thing that a skip then chatroulette that one of the chat i do the biggest mistake of my life at night i was chatting and finding friendly people but then i find a guy that since nice like a friend he say he was in my city and then decide to meet i lie and say i was going to do home work then go with him then thing start scale quietly quickly he say to me to show him my part that he show me his part i was scared but i do it because i have no choice of escape then he took me to a hotel and you know what next in the shower then my aunt call she knew i was in a hotel i lie to her and tell him to take me home he take me to target i enter to target and pretend i was applying to a job then go outside and enter the car she knew i was in a hotel with someone and i denied it till end after that day my life change again this time i let emotion from the past control me is was my fault because i knew was it going to happen that where i let my hormones and desire to control me and where my pleasure part of me born i was feeling is was not me anymore that not the guy i am and why i keep doing it I do not recognize myself anymore who i am then i go to tinychat a group of teens like chatting but then i go in one room pure of boys and some times girls 2 gay rooms with a girls straight one that always support us i feel i was part of them but that was not my life i create a Skype and add a lot of teens like me i was on the chat 24/7 i was feeling love and a family i can count and tell everything and feel myself and be me without being judge finding who i am in the run places but i let again my emotion to control me and in Skype start having virtual teens bf like me and others was for cam sex between us and sometimes only me like a slave or toy they control  i know i cross the line doing sex cam with teens just like me at that time i also always make sure they where and look my age and not younger or older but one day i fight in the chat and i do a mistake that i find so much hate all the people who i love that i decide to end the chapter and move on deleting my tiny chat account and ease all people from Skype and deleting Skype a step to move forward...

But i did it again and move backward again intelligent phone touch with billions of app that makes your life easier for do good or been bad and i guess i was being a revel  Sexual App Meet Up there app call grindr,adam4adam,jack’d,hornet,kik(a way to talk to people not a gay app but a way people love to use it for chat,meet and not have the contact on their real phone more like a way to hide it) and more a have a lot online friend,online lover and even i start meeting some teens my age 18+ and i got to a point i meet old guys too like adult not even my age and 3 times old guys to find love in the run place and feel acceptance i have sex with a lot of them and forget them just like a met them and each time i do it i felt my past when i was a kids more like a Chain that only you can break before is affect you and is to late to fix it and go back i have 3 secrets bf that i break up with them because i can’t have a double life and decide to move on even invite them to my home when i was home alone and even with a kiss i still feel empty inside but something i never do with them is penetrated them i am still virgin in that part the reasons is my past that why i never try or i don’t want to do it because is like the same thing as my past the different is a letting them given permission to used my body and do with me what they want.

Secrets Texts and Selfies I also get people i really love and trust to my WhatApp contact i do a lot of dirty text and flirting with them and even sexting where they ask you to send something dirty and more undress until to a point you naked and they ask you to do unappropriated pics and pose, videos and thing you don’t wanna know trying to accomplish others while ruin your life more until a point you see them one time and never ever see them again after you send all those thing and get them what they really want with you they forget everything that even happen forget you even exist on the map and delete you and you see how they change like never text me again or i don’t need you anymore or even forget about me your not my type anymore to a point where they never answer your text or call never again.

I delete all those app erase and think why i do all this to end where i was again alone with a bubble where is break and i see everything still in a box but this time i decide to take action for my own good.

I decide that is time to be serious work on my life leave it in the past after one year without meet and greet i felt different like i want to go back study,work, be someone i want to get married,have a future wife and have kids have this normal life leave and erase the past behind because people deserve second changes and we all have a dark past we afraid to tell because of what happen of what others going to think about you or your reputation going to be ruin but idk about that because for me is a lesson i learn i am not perfect and i make mistake i grown to find who i am and i know who i am now a insecure kids with insecurity and question a lot turning into mature men who know who want now.

2012 20 here another part of me that i felt like i feel been controlled by a toy even if she want the best of me... there 2 side of the story one that hide me in a bubble where there no place that one one can’t hurt me and where i got a my eyes blind of the reality outside where she want it to do it in her time and now and get mad if i never do it right now and makes me this perfect doll where even if i have mistake i never fix it because i still leave in her protective bubble where i can’t break free and go anywhere or any place outside and the other side where this one never hug me or give some love only strict discipline a place where i never learn about love or hugs or how to be social a person that scream you and want to take you force to their places and if you don’t go they make your life impossible and try to ruin everyone you love around in your circle to make sure you also be perfect and never be someone that don’t disrespect the rules that they want you to follow not what you heart telling you to do even if is the right or run thing. just like a girl with a remote control controlling your life to always win and never lose....

Between mom and grandma both turn me into her marionette in her own way one in a bubble and other in a rusk but both have one in common and is controlling me.

Sometimes i wish someone help or i can help myself but in the end i have no escape to go just like a traps.

Maybe one day i can cut the thread and be free and be totally me.

Why anti social media not that social media is bad is that is you need to know how to use it for good or bad and i choose both my web life start with myspace a day that something get really popular all your friends have it and you need to be in like them just like today Facebook,twitter,Instagram,tumblr,musically,karaoke smule,vine,YouTube,snapchat and is goes on and on there a lot popular apps other there that for some reasons someone tell you about it or find it on the web that everyone is using it and you open the door and is never stop because you get out of one and enter on another one to get update on all the website is additive too i end deleting snapchat and twitter for personal reason not is that not bad just like is to much for me all the depend the reasons you use it work,job,business,get update on someone else life or curse and bullied others not me maybe discuss a topic too but here where i enter in the bad side of the internet even if a enter again today and i want to get out games Audition, Toontown,website with scary and haunted games like a a lot,also games for 18+ website that exist trust me you don’t wanna know what there even videos of anime and yaoi all that stuff recommended by people outside or online because you don’t know it until someone tell you nothing comes until someone say it but there one game i cross the line name IMVU a game where you create avatar and online with real people also i remember something for adult name AP i tell you later about that one i create a lot avatar 3 boys and 3 girls on the game i was in group and different rooms until one day with one of my avatar they gift me the AP means they can get undress and do adult stuff on the game just like real life one guy gift it to me in my girl avatar also in the game i play the love game and cheating game and go more far with messenger trying to mess with that person then i say i was joking and i am a male on real live and go on cam like he ask me then he expose the video on YouTube and tell i like boys lying on the web i was so frustrated that i say to that person i left the game and gift all my 6 avatar if you delete that video 1 week trying until he delete it and i end gifting the avatar to one of his friends with the AP and the other 6 and gift it to random people i know in the game i know they will take good care and i left after that lesson i learned i never enter again in a online game about love and real life except sims that you don’t have to connect with real people.

I try singing karaoke app,Musically,YouTube and others app dancing even if they end reporting my video a lot on YouTube i try to be someone and try to be famous but in the end i learn is was not for me and give up because i learn that life was not for me that why i delete twitter and snapchat because i feel social media is killing me inside the way i escape from reality and real life where i turn my life social to anti social a anti social media life that sometimes i wish say i want my life back not that i want my likes back when you enter the door is hard to get out because something always come new and you always going to be curious to be part of it and be where everyone else is that part of technology life something that makes your life easier for good or bad or that can change your life or ruin it forever.

I talk about Games and Social Media but not about music not that i don’t like music just that i have a lot that i delete it all of them even is it hurt for good and now i start to listen to Christians songs because i felt all others type of music Latino,English,Romanian,K-pop,Others because i listen to different language and i know it all you get to a point that when i have my headphone on is not me is the music like a mind control where i change completely into someone else like a enter in another world where i feel confident,powerful,ready to let none stop me and walk with swag and do stuff and poses like a was in a music video or feel in movie i just feel in my opinion that is time to change i not telling you to stop listening to music just listen the one with the right message and positive and clean vibe that the only advice i can say because music can have the power to make you do a lot of thing even if you don’t believe it.

Photographic more like selfies or pics is the next topics because there something even dark in the web that none one told you until  someone get out the truth that part of life.

2007 15 so i take on 7/7/07 a plane to FL Miami in Hialeah not going to tell what part this time i was in my aunt place where i find my grandma from when i was a little kids and she take care of me and travel one day to USA and left us to find a better life them my cousin that he when to visit my country one time he was so friendly that when he see me he expect me to be someone different but he was cold and i tell you more about his life later my cousin she love anime and she still lovely like when i was a little kids she never change we was like best friends them that years i enter on high school name ASHS to keep the school name protect and not mention it i say the 3 first letters of each part of it i only can say tell call it patriots very patriotic right but do they really know what kids do on school,after school and outside school? No they don’t let start with my cousin he take me back home in his car and some times i remember he have a gf that good but what he hiding behind his alcoholic fathers well before he take me home he always find a excuse and his friends tell me to never tell none one they always do at the park smoke and do drugs he always do it to stay cool with his friends and forget all about his problems and sometimes drink just like his dad they offers me to do it but i reject it also the smell was so bad and horrible i never tell it to his mom because they say to me that it a secrets and never say a thing to her and i respect it because is was none of my business because one day one of his friends traps him and put a cold medicine that they used it for do drugs and make him in trouble calling the police he got in jails and learn his lessons but after he got clean he got back to smoking and drinking again i don’t know what his life going to end some of his friend today change and move on and others still fighting he have the best girls but in the end they always left him for personals reasons he was a disasters.

2008 16 i was not freshman anymore i turn sophomore i was in esol classes the friends i have was the best even one of them defend me from i guy that bullied me i start getting bad grates and getting frustrated and little depress because i felt life was getting more hard and nothing was easy on 2009 17 i was Junior this time i was on after school at night and one time after noon to past the year i was more busy this is where i start getting more depress and felt more alone and hurt when a immature teacher one time put me in the back Kick Me before i go i felt something in my back and that teacher never touch me but that day that teacher do it to me and i confirm by someone in the class that was that teacher that do it to me i was thinking like is the teacher supposed to give example to the class or turn childish in a low level??? also another time there was a teacher in night school that was cursing on me and bullied me just like he was a high school kids i almost want to cry and tell myself why a teacher is so cruel when he supposed to teach kids and help us do better not do worse is that what he teaching us to be bullied and revel to others??? i never forget those moments of my life on 2010 18 Senior year Dear High School “Everyone is just so nice until they drive you to kill yourself and sooner or later the truth will come out" i agree with this phrase the last years was the worse part a lot of boys want to have sex with me or find me one outside to a point they offers me one person that her uncle is a gay porn star if i want to join and work there i say no and run away i was not that low key to enter in that world,second fight i broke my fight promise and fight one time with one kids and got into detection because he bullied me i have so much hate that they even thrown me a pizza and everyone laugh at me,or when some times they get my hands and punch me in my stomach was so hurtful that i felt to never going back again to high school one of the reasons my grates was so low and turn so shy and revel,drugs how security was so blind where kids smoke at bathroom and have backpack full of drugs they offers me billion times and i say no i even left some friends and stay away to find others ones but some times they touch my body part and ass saying they want to do it with me i always say no they call me all types of names even makes me do their home work and be their puppets buying them the food they want like a servant to the group and one of the bullied pee on me one time when i was in the bathroom worse moment i felt after that i want to kill myself and never live again was two much everyone on high school used me always for what they want i call one time the office and speak about it they say they going to kick them out if they keep doing it but why i say that for worse they kick me in the stomach again and that one time when they force me in class when the teacher left on a computer class to watch porn with their strong hand on me so i don’t run away i miss all activities and i never went to prom night i learn that years to never trust anyone even the nicest person because everyone even if they pretend to be so nice they always hide their dark side to the end or when none one is watching them like teachers example when they left or something.

They tells of how to be professionals and be successful on education and be perfect but they never tell us how to fight and handle real life and problems and struggle and how to find help when we needed the most...

2011 19 Graduation i least i graduate and my father came to celebrate at that time i was moving second time to another apartment with my grandma and sis  because there was problems with my aunt and her husband i have 3 of them one i felt like a mothers because she help me on everything school, college, job, advice me on life, take me to Disney world without her i am nothing,second one i love her she also advice me and she is lovely and kind she gift me on my bday like 3 times going to royal Caribbean cruise and i felt like the best vacation of my life and best gift she always takes me to the best places and a 3 aunt that she always celebrate my Bday and she also advice me and she the best.

2006 14 i go back with my teens friend again but something change everything when i see it i cant believe what i saw until what he say i was even more shock one day i was at school and they told me to go home early i find it really strange i feel there was a surprise at home but is was not even my Bday at the same time i was thinking did i do something bad at school?? but when i arrive and walk those stairs and open the door my dad was there i was really shock after years without see him i never knew if i hug him,smile,say something,react or cry i was speechless and thing don’t end there he come to take us to USA but he did not come alone he come with his new wife more like stepmother to us the one who will help get us to a new life he did not just come back to visits but to take us away from mom to start a new living my mom accept it he do all the process with us and convince us that everything will be different we was excited to start a resident life i told one of my friends a girl in my neighborhood that i was leaving to USA New York when she ask me i was excited to live with my dad pack everything and ease my past and move to a new life and start all over again and keep those memories and miss at the same time some of my really true friends,my country,family that i have there,food, everything about my country a place i don’t change for anything the good moment obviously but i knew since i had a hard life is was time to move on.

After we fly away for the first time and all that process a new experience with your tongue feeling it in your stomach when the airplane fly away and the blue sky with the cloud everything so beautiful until we arrived and again immigration process and welcome to USA we a big cold weather that night i never felt something so different because of course i am from Caribbean hot weather is felt so cold just like some part of my life we get a taxi and saw a lot building when we get that feet on the floor my sis say hello with a big vomit i guess she don’t like changes lol we was on the 5 floor last one in that building in a neighborhood name Woodside, Queens they translate us to a new school name  Academy Of New Americans  a school based on people who came from all over the world the first day i saw a big yellow bus i never see that in my life was part of my new life but i was not expecting is that where is start everything changes are good but they always come with a risk i saw kids from different language India,Chinese,Latins but in another accents that some times is hard to know what something means even if the same language but different ways to say it and more country at the beginning was to understand the teacher but some speak English and Spanish now that where my shy start to born i was learning but loss i was loosing my talkative me to a point i ask myself who i am because i don’t even know who i am anymore i gains friends but i gains enemy at the same time where again bullied call your names i start watch one time in the bathroom a guy putting a kids his head on the toilet i try to defend him but they kick me out of the bathroom that where i say this is not right i was also one time in love with the most popular girl name Brenda she was beautiful the most popular girl on the middle schools all boys love her but she never wants me she say i was to kids and to shy for her at that moments i was extremely shy i knew that was not me i was feeling like i have double life or double mood i have some rebel part of me that i have to much bullied in my head to a point that i pretend one day planed to put the chair down and broke the kids nose and say is was and accidents the group almost beats me up i lie to the principal saying was a mistake and was not my intention to hurt him but inside of me i feel that was the only way people respect me and stop bullied me after that day everyone respect me and never bullied me again i also have a BFF that we felt like brothers a guy felt i never feel alone in my darkest time of my life he was Mexican but one of the best friends i ever have in my life he was like the brothers i never ever have until a point that he protect me and we dance in the Brazilian dance on the school country ceremony something like that with the girls obvious and tells each others we love the partners we have and talk about boys topics until last day of school that was emotional and say that i will miss my bro and remember him forever for who he was a bro i will never forget someone i count on everything and trust for the first time of my life someone serious and that makes me smile at the end of the day no matters what happen or what i been.

2006 15 everything was hard for me i got one time to a big fairs in new York with ride and everything, to the first 8 grate prom that i never heard before and i get lost 1 time in a train with my sis when the train was going in opposite way not the right way that day and when we go outside we was in the run place going back with one past and skips both enter 2 in 1 in one to enter and try to find the map to get home even if we made it and the time when i decide to walk back home and dad was worried because i was to lazy to wait and want to adventure new York yes i get home almost at night how??? remember the key places the bus go to get to my place i graduate from 8 grate tankfuls for my teachers and friends that was there for me without some of them i will never learn everything i need to be where i am today they help me a lot to keep moving forward after that they celebrate in summer my Bday on a fairs was fun.

after i know my stepmother was using us to take away money from my dad and even if i thank her i least to take us a lot places in New York because without her we never knew every part of New York and when we move she throw away everything we left to the garbage like she never care about us and later on we discover more reasons why she did it even she promise me to find the video of the dance i did but that never happens a lie promise i was start feeling alone and a little depress one time i almost die of sick at home there was to cold for me and inside all my feeling freezing and turning cold to a point i have none emotion and fake smile pretending everything was perfect when inside everything was wrong and dying inside of me.

2005 13 I miss my friends but was time to move on again and leave the bad thing at the past and stay with the good part like my friends i move where is begins everything ones again The neighborhood of teachers (El Barrio De Los Maestros)  but in another part and another street but was still the same neighborhood even if i was in another street and another home this time was ones again in a second building i got friends even two friends from USA ones again and two adult in theirs 20s something in the group this time thing scale really quick like these guys show us porn one time, my sis fighting with their new friends,a guy that want me to get a girl pregnant but i left and run because i was not prepare yet for a future, me lying about friends i don’t like and telling to their parents i loss them all and move to play to little kids games GameCube games but before i touch that part i remember playing with my teens friends gta,San Andreas in play station two,dragon ball z, also talk about girls like all boys do, play Marbles, Broomstick and a  Bump to play vitilla or bitilla like a way to play baseball also i was in a baseball game where that was a christian league best time ever i learn a lot until one time i saw two kids trying to rape me but i run and hide and never happen and also 3 times when i see the same guy from my past again name Micol or Maicol if you remember and been reading my life i hide from him because i don’t want him to see me or tell everyone about my past so sometimes i skip baseball to play GameCube with my little friends i was the only one teen that have 13 i even play game at the mini  Grocery store (Colmado)  or GameBoyAdvance playing Pokemon all type of them with friends the teens ones a way  to escape from the past that don’t want to tell everyone about my life yeah that was me even saw one time there Carla the girl i like but ones again she only want me like a friend and i was surprise that she has family with one of my friends that part where i live there was a little rich people and educated they cared about their kids like their life and that was good but there was at the same time the teens where was gangsta and more swag not saying we was the worse in the neighborhood but in a way where we do more street thing that home games and i was part and have a change to be in those 2 world like Hannah Montana say best of both world.

Now when i leave my teens friends to start playing games like dragon ball z,sonic 2, Mario party 5, Luigi mansion, super smash bros and more with kids one at the mini stored in the back with 7 kids or more i guest and another one in a big house more like a mansion there was a brothers in that group one of the kids he was like 19 this guy rarely appears to play with us until one day he i became friends with him now i was not the bigger teen now there was someone bigger than me and bigger than the kids everything was fine until one day we was going to play that day hide and seek all the kids scream at me and him saying you two need to be BF and that we make a good couple they say kids never lie even if he was white and good looking i know behind that beauty he will used it for advance to do the run thing he look me that day different with a shine eyes i feel inside me this was not going to end good and a joke turn something serious we was playing the hide and seek he was was touching me and getting to close to me i say why you always back of me or touch me then he say can we go some where else i want you to tell you something i say yes because i was thinking he was going to say sorry but we was going to far away into a  stadium  he start hugging me is was so dark that place and empty he say climb up i say this is run we cannot enter in  a close property this is bad he say none one will notice we enter and climb he say close your eyes i going to tell you a secrets in that time i knew what going to happens because i have these experience from the past but i don’t know if i run or scream but ones again i fall in his game he used me kiss me in the chick and rape me just like all of them at a point where i let him touch me and do everything to me and refuge all my problems on him even if when i don’t do it he get mad and jealous till a point he tell everything to the kids and they never look at me the same again he ruin my life at the end where i say Will you just save me Or Just say goodbye and after that i never go there again to see him or play with the kids because i knew he ruin my life where i don’t want to get out of home i start feeling alone like everyone i love left me and destroy me in one second he look for me to keep using me and forgive me but i never look again for him even if i forgive him in my heart for what he did beauty can hurt you but someone with a kinds heart inside never kill you.

You do not know what the others are going through ...

......You never know what happens in the lives of others

Everyone have their problems and each of them affect it in a different way or All have their problems, and each affects you differently

2004 12 some times you try to forget the past and move on and make a new life in another place in the same city but some times memories don’t go away and they hunted you and follow you again but memories some times are so hard to let it go just like this time where all begin the twist from the past one time i give 10DR in a Lottery numbers from a fair or carnival i win 100DR they ask me if i want to play more and since i was a teen and not a kids anymore i ask for more because i has the desire to wins more money i was with my friend and i lost all the money that day i was with a friend just having fun in all the rides till one unexpected guest arrived from my past that was going to ruin everything i was so afraid i did not recognize him at first but them when i see him coming i try to skip him but he appears again when we was doing a line the guy that watch me and do nothing the bro that watch while they rape me with a knife he stand there and say to my friend you can’t trust this boy and be around him he dangerous he have sex with and before he continue i say i don’t know what you talking about i don’t know this guy let go home i grab my friend hand and run because i knew if he keep talking my friend going to ask me about my past and find out and tell all the neighbor hood something I did not want to let my past destroy my present again so i stay away from it but that was just the beginning the other day i find me and my mom in a motor the mechanic guy (the first guy who break my soul and my innocent the one who rape me first and destroy my entire life in one second when i see him at was mad,angry feeling i never felt before has a teen i want him to be disappears he say you want a ride in my motor i take you to a place if you want with a evil smile this time i don’t fall in his game my mom say to him to get out or she will call the police and he go away she knew he have bad intentions but she never knew what he did to me because this time i was sure i was not riding with the devil.

is like going back again where you begin and all those memories come like you right there even if you not there a trap that can hurt some times just by remembering and is hard to let it go even if affect you that what i felt in those moment more crazy stuff happens another time i saw 2 not so friends one time we play all people hide and seek and i hide down in my bed and two guys hide there two they never notice i was there i watch it all the guy was a teen and the other was in his 9 or 10 there was minor he was sucking the teen and the teen was forcing the minor all i can i see is his pain is like a mirror of your past reflecting on someone i saw my past ones again in someone else i watch the whole thing i was so shock that i never do anything to stop it or make the different and save that kids life why i was only looking and never find a adult to help i guess i was so focus about thinking that was my story repeating on someone else than do something right. (Also now i felt how that bro was when he was there only looking without do nothing even if was enjoying it and never have to past that experience the only thing we have in common is don’t knowing how to react or what to do in that moment of shocking scene)

later on another day he was in my room with another guy they lie they was my friends and my mom let them past to my room i knew something run will happen soon and this was not going to end good he blind my eyes with something and say let play the feel it with your mouth i say its was a pencil but i knew that was not a pencil and was something else they do a innocent game to do dirty stuff on me and that was not right..there was also one time where one guy in their 20s try to be with me but that never happen i avoid it in that time i was in school in afternoon

Illegal Site because that site is not legal for kids if you get me...

2003 11 here where my rebel life start been alive a side i never knew i will have i hit one time a kids that was like 8 or 9 that we fight and hit him hard with a  Car belt that i find on the street don’t tell me where i got it front because i don’t know who left it there i just know i get that and hit him after one day i feel so bad what i do and tell him sorry and to forgive me he accept it and we where friend again another time there another guy that we fight so hard that i lost at that time but since he always past thought my home at specific time i wait for him with a big rock till he past with his bicycle and when that time come i hit him so hard in the head that i see a little blood on him and bump and run to my place after that day he never mess with me again and respect me i knew i was becoming a bad rebel kids feeling i never have before even in school i fight 2 times till a point that one time a boy a put his head on the teachers desk that how bad i was and tell him to say at loud to not mess with me and tell me sorry he did it but them he got a knife and if i never run hard i will never be alive again and i know i been close to dead more than one time i used to it.

Also there another rebel time of me when i was jealous that she kiss the pretty boy and she say she will kiss both her name was Criseli she was a nice girl but i was so mad she don’t kiss me that i let my emotion win and steal her a kiss she snap my face and say i will cut your tongue she get inside home came with a scissors ready to cut it and i run fast i can to my place and close the door before she cut me my home was in front of her place so is more easier for me to run.

I was becoming i bad kids in trouble always to a point i skips home to be with my my friend since there a hole in the back of my home and respond to my mom when she break my play station one yu-gi-oh CD game and jumping into walls with friends even smoke one time in my whole life with my friend but i say i don’t like this shit taste bad and never try one again i even don’t know how to smoke it right i did it the run way i remember also the time we put fireworks to a neighbor home and one name search feet because is follow you (busca pie) and almost hit me if i don’t climb a wall i was turning into a bad tiquere even to a point that i steals one time in a stored candy with my friend to eats i say this is so run we can not cross the line he say put it on your pants and pretends nothing happen in a time there no alarm when you go outside and eats the candy i was happy we got outside without trouble but inside i knew this was run and we was eating a candy feel with poison in a point that this can cost us jails and he knew it but but tasting sweet can taste bitter some times when is run we only did it one time and never again.

I pick my own poison and nothing can kill me like the damage only that poison can do to me...

This is my feeling ...

I just want to run away from everything; from my ‘friends’, the bullshit at school, the thoughts in my head, all of it. (i felt that way before i know how it feels)

2002 10 still on that time here where everything start going out of control me and my friends always shower on the rain until one time that day we run so hard we can’t even see each others one of the hardest rain we ever see like a fog when you can’t see i thing that how hard the rain effect was we run each of us to the biggest tree of the neighborhood hood where some times we climb to tell story's  then when is was time for me to run a big stick wood falls down just in the same time when i heard a big light thunders without running as fast as i could that is almost hit me and in case is hit me i will never be alive trust me.

Another time i was in a mini lottery stored sitting in there because i know the girl she was nice talking with my friend one of them them randomly 2 guys came to robber in a motor (motoconcho) he have a knife in my friend neck and i was calm but dying inside with the big toy a gun in my head he say to her if you don’t give me all you have including all her personal inform he will kill us in front of her i say in my head God you have a purpose with me give me a change but in case is time to say goodbye i will be glad to be with you in heaven them at that moment she give everything and i never forget she say something in me makes me feel to give everything to them because i was not feeling to give it to them yours kids are lucky to be alive of course after they left she say run go home and i told everything to my family they can’t believe what happen but they knew something run was happening in their hearts.

These where i start been revel one time i fight with a boy that have cancer in his hands he always go to the doctor and have some times a gypsum on his hands we fight in the middle of the streets one time for thing that kids find stupid and get mad find a lot of discussion saying profanity to each others until a time the blood go to their head in fire and end fighting until a moment where i hit him so bad in his hand where he have cancer that where i see where my revel part of me born years later i find out the same person i fight he die of cancer on his hands i feel so in pain that i wish i never fight with him or hit him in the hands even if him dying was not my faults that was the disease he have i feel like is was my fault because i fight with him one time and hit him where he have the cancer in that moment where one of my friends tell me what happen with him i want to feel in tears and pain because he was one the good friends i never have in us we where the best team friends i feel sad that i lost one of my friends a heart breaking moment i never forget with a lesson for me to never fight again this is on my present but in my past there more than one fight i going to tell you right now this just don’t end here...