The Absolute Truth... (as it appeared to me)

No.1 I really believed she loved me. I dove willingly down the hole. She faked it so well. I've never been such a gullible fool. She sucked my soul from my body and spit it out like it was nothing. Destroyed me just to do it. Fuck love, fuck trust, fuck ever believing a bitch again. She destroyed a good man fir the sport of it. And then blamed me for it. And my pathetic ass is still so in love with this bitch? Fuck my life!

Update... it's been months since I've seen her or talked to her. I still hate this bitch fiercely at this point. She did so much little irritating shit that keeps messing with my head. I'm catching myself being a dick to other women for no reason. I'm constantly apologizing for comments etc... that I normally would've never said. Anything makes me think of her now and I instantly have the desire to hurt something. I am so not like this at all. It's scaring the shit out of me to be honest. I was already a scary ass dude if I wanted to be but that was always so controlled it was never an issue. The things I think whenever she crosses my mind are just horrendously spiteful and angry. It's friggin embarrassing at it's best. I finally have a place in my life that if I could go back on time I would do totally differently. Our experiences make us who we are, so I've always tried to embrace them fully. But I don't like this ones influence at all. I gotta stop. I'm fucking fuming now. I now this has to be part of the healing process, but seeing that little puddled out piece of shit would actually be kinda dangerous right now because there's nothing I wanna do more than use every punch I have held in check over all these years and tee the fuck off on her lying ass face. I've never raised a hand to a woman in my life. But I've never dreamed one could deserve it this much?

#4 got no response at all. Wasn't really expecting one. I'm guessing there's gotta be some dipshit up in there. There was last time. Getting back on my hustle was what's up though. 2 days in and stackin. Be whipped up with a new place in a couple days. It'll even be legit! Like Ice Cube said.. today was a good day.

No.3. I cracked a little today. Not horribly, but I definitely did crack. She keeps signing me up on quora to massage boards about codependency and narcissism. It was actually interesting in the beginning. But the thing about message boards is you need to verify your source before assuming it's viable or useful information. These people make it sound as if narcissism is a bigger threat to society than Covid? Back to the point that these long ago became redundant and obnoxious. I have learned enough to know a borderline personality disorder when faced with one. She'll swear and spit that I'm wrong... but I know better. I responded with an email that I sent to each of the 8 addresses I knew about. She had only blocked me on 2 lol. Long story short, I told her to stop not just the emails, but all contact other than a child emergency until she finds a way to sober up and get back to therapy. All I've ever wanted was honesty and effort. Anything else I will find a way to cope with. I wished her the best and I tried to keep it pleasant, even though a few things surely slipped by. I do really hope and believe that eventually she will get herself right again. I know how ignorant it sounds but when you love someone truly, it doesn't fade or go away. So like I told her... I'll hope and pray. Only time will tell? Until a day like that comes I'll be kinda lost I guess? I've got to and am going to get my shit together again and get as much of my life back as possible. But I'll never feel quite whole again without her. Enough for today.

No.2 To be honest, I am fighting like hell right now to keep myself from calling or messaging her. I know that I should hate that women's guts with everything in me. But I can't? I've always been one to preach about "nothing is ever impossible... there's just things that we don't know how to do yet." She has done everything in her power to make me wrong. She's not quite there yet. She has shown me just how capable she is of being cold, calloused, jaded, and downright evil. I have seen her do and say things with a smile that I could never be capable of. If I'd had a clue of her destructive potential, I would have chosen to concede long ago. But the lengths she's gone to prove it are so utterly ridiculous that I'm still not buying her shit. She's let things slip way too often. I am far more observant than she thought possible I guess? Or I guess there is a minute possibility that she was playing me then too? Doubtful. I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or a mental health professional by any means, nor would I ever make such a claim. What I am is a man who was struck with a horrible disease they call love. Watch out for that shit, it'll destroy you if you trust the wrong person. But without that risk... you'll never know what true joy and happiness feel like either? Myself, I'm gonna take in everything. I will endure the bad as much as the good and just hope that it's worth it in the end. From what I've seen in my own life so far... and believe me when I tell you it's been an insane ride... it only takes a tiny amount of good to make it worthwhile. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, since Christmas. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold off, this is the most trying experience i've ever endured. My patience vs. her stubborn will to be right is just not a fair fight. But when you add in the validation of having been right with so many guesses along the way, the faith I have in things working out the way God intended, the unbreakable strength a relationship could have if we made it through this, and then there's the knockout punch... I truly fell all the way in love with her. Once you get to the point that your love becomes unconditional, and you're anywhere near as loyal as I am... it makes giving up near impossible. As long as there's an inkling of hope it's worth fighting for. My best course of action now is to wait it out and hope she comes around. If I end up being wrong... I'll be damn sure I've exhausted every option possible. When you find what you've been looking your whole life to find, fighting to keep it seems like the only intelligent option. I did things that I know hurt her deeply, none of them were intended to. She also grossly misunderstood not just my intentions, but what she saw happening was grossly misunderstood. Hopefully I'll get a chance to get through the stubborn walls of fear and pull her back before it's too late? But I am gonna be one fucked up mess if I can't. Sounds so ridiculous, but to me...absolutely worth the risk. In the start of our downfall, she had thought me to be emotionally unavailable, unsupportive and inconsiderate. I immediately went a full 180 and pretty much kissed her ass for a few months after finding that out. I was doing everything I could to show her just the opposite. So far over the top that she thought it phony and started thinking I had some devious side plot? I just wanted the love of my life back and was willing to do anything for it. I can see the truth behind all her feelings and assumptions. I even understand how she so blatantly misunderstood so much. She thinks I never believed her and there have definitely been a few times since... but for the most part I always did. I'm beat and gonna crash because I'm exhausted. The story has just begun so stay tuned. This will be either an epic adventure or a catastrophic failure of epic proportions. Comments, advice, etc... are always welcome. Good night.