Obscure Writings

After Joey’s incident at church, things at home were more than awkward. She wouldn’t speak to anyone, not even me, and she was back to where she had previously been when my father had punished her that one time. My mother just thought she was sick, so that Monday morning, she was rewarded a doctor’s appointment meaning she wouldn’t have to attend school. Honestly, I hated how dramatic she was being and her whole demeanor was confusing me. I still couldn’t believe the stunt she pulled at church of dragging me up to the altar for prayer. Since when did she start acting so holy? All I could think of was her as I got into my car and pulled off down the street, heading to school alone. If I had the option of staying home, I would have seeing that my mind was so clouded that I knew school would be impossible to focus on today. The only thing holding me back was the fact that there was a major basketball game tonight against South Mountain Christian School – our rival school. In order to play, I had to attend classes. I rode to school in complete silence, not wanting to even bother with the radio. The only thing that could be heard was the swishing of the windshield wipers, removing falling rain from my front and back windows. The weather matched my mood and I already had it set in my mind that if anyone fucked with me today, I was liable to go off. It was crazy how I was allowing Joey to control my mind, even when she wasn’t around. The love I had for her was so strong that it was also sickening, but something in the back of my mind was telling me that the whole situation was completely normal. As much as I wanted to have a guilty conscience about having sex with my own sister, something wouldn’t allow me to. God was slowly starting to become my enemy and, well, the Devil was sort of becoming a close friend. The student parking lot was soon in my view and I whipped my car into its usual spot, shutting off the engine and resting my forehead on the steering wheel after doing so. I took slow, deep breaths, trying to get myself together before I stepped foot inside of the building. People weren’t really used to me being in a sour mood. I was usually the kid that walked down the hallways speaking and smiling at everyone. People were fonder of me than Joey, that was for sure. Sighing loudly, I reached into the back seat and grabbed my book bag, securing it onto my shoulder before I got out and jogged towards the side entrance of the school, with the rain pounding down on top of my head. I glanced around to see others carrying umbrellas above their heads. They were smart. The bustling sound of bodies could be heard in the center hallway near the gym, where I had entered. There was talking all around me, but I really couldn’t make sense of most of it because of all the voices. I kept my eyes in front of me as I traveled down the hallway to my locker, squeezing in between people. Some people spoke and some just stared at me as if they knew something that I didn’t. I stared back every now and then, eventually just shrugging it off. Almost reaching my locker, I walked past a group of both males and females, all who started laughing as if on command. I ignored that too, not wanting to make something out of nothing. It just seemed like everyone was in a great mood while I was in a shitty one. I hadn’t noticed Ramone standing at my locker until I got to it. He stood leaning against the locker next to mine, holding a big piece of paper in his hand. “Sup?” I mumbled to him, gaining access to my locker before I begin to search through its messiness.  “I don’t know if you’ve seen this…” Ramone said in return with disappointment in his tone. My mind was barely there, so I continued to search through my locker, barely interested in what he was saying. “Seen what?” I replied unenthusiastically, finally getting my hands on my English textbook.  “Like, is this shit even real, Joel? It’s all around the school,” he added, immediately sparking my interest.  I shut my locker door and turned towards him. “What the hell are you talking about?” I questioned, staring at him, waiting for answers. As if he didn’t want to show me, he looked down at the paper, closing his eyes and sighing before he finally looked back at me. “This,” he simply said before turning the paper around, revealing a picture that I thought only belonged in my memory, not for everyone to see. Right there in front of me was a picture of Joey with Levi’s dick in her hand. It was more than real…it was everything I had remembered. Angrily, I snatched the paper away from Ramone, my eyes glaring at it with intensity and I could feel myself growing hot underneath my uniform collar shirt. As I shook, the paper also shook in my hands and I felt like I was going to explode. “Joel,” Ramone spoke deeply trying to get my attention. “Where the fuck did you get this?” I asked through gritted teeth, looking back up at him with fire in my eyes as if he was now the enemy.  “It was just taped to your locker, bro-“ “Who the fuck put it there?!” I was almost at the point of yelling now and it seemed like all movement slowed down in the hallway. All eyes were on me and Ramone now. On the inside, I was already blaming him for exposing this picture. Something irrational inside of me was telling me that this was all his fault. “I don’t know-“ I shoved Ramone hard before grabbing the collar of his shirt. “Don’t fucking lie to me!” The locker I had pushed him into rattled loudly and almost all movement in the hallway had stopped now. People wanted to know what was going on and I had the idea that mostly everyone already knew. “You put that shit there, didn’t you!?” I accused him, gripping the collar of his shirt tightly in my hand. With great force, he grabbed hold of the sleeve of my jacket and pushed my arm away from him. As an act of defense, his fists were now balled up and he looked like he was ready to go at it whenever I was. “Why the fuck would I put that shit up there, Joel? Huh?! I wasn’t even at that fucking party so how would I even get a fucking picture!” “How do you know about the party then, you lying son of a bitch?” I argued back, feeling my nails dig into my palm as I clenched my fist even tighter. “EVERYBODY IN THIS DAMN SCHOOL KNOWS ABOUT THE FUCKING PARTY, DUMBASS! WHAT HAPPENED IS GOING AROUND LIKE FUCKING WILDFIRE AND OUT OF ALL PEOPLE YOU WANNA BLAME ME!” Ramone’s sudden screaming came as a surprise, but I never allowed my defensive stance to falter. “I THOUGHT WE WERE BOYS, JOEL! I SHOWED YOU THAT SHIT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO WALK AROUND WITH SHIT GOING ON BEHIND YOUR BACK! BUT FUCK IT, FUCK YOU!” His tan skin was now a bright red and he slammed his own locker door shut before turning to leave, leaving me standing there lost, angry, and feeling stupid as hell. Being caught up in the moment caused me to turn on the only person in this school who had my back besides Joey. But the selfish pride I had wouldn’t allow me to apologize and I was too heated to do so anyway. Standing right where I was, I ripped the picture into pieces, balling the pieces up in my hand afterwards. As I did this, I could feel everyone in that hallway staring at me and my blood boiled even more as I heard snickering and laughing. I pushed rudely through everyone before I found the nearest trash can, tossing the pieces into it, never wanting to see it again. I just needed to know who took the picture and it would simply be lights out for them, but at the same time I knew the possibility of finding out was small, so the only person I could blame next was Levi. He was the reason for all of this shit anyway and I couldn’t wait until later to beat the shit out of him. I had no classes with him all day nor was he on my lunch, so the fact that I would have to wait until tonight before the game to whoop his ass frustrated me. If only he knew what he had coming to him, he would have thought twice about shoving his dick into Joey’s mouth. I walked to first period with my eyes on the floor, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. By the end of the day, everyone would know about what happened at that party and to make things worse, Joey wasn’t here to defend herself. Only I could defend her, but I couldn’t get at everyone individually. People were going to talk no matter what and I couldn’t stomach the thought of this possibly leaving the school building and somehow, in some way, getting back to my parents. Joey would be killed for sure; my parents were crazy enough to do so if they had to. And that alone scared the shit out of me. Taking a seat in the nearest desk to the back, I placed my large textbook on my desk and rested my head on top of it, closing my eyes to calm myself down. I needed to save my anger for Levi and whoever else had something to do with this. I could hear people coming in and taking their seats too and I wasn’t ready to lift my head up. I wasn’t ready to have everybody staring in my face, asking questions about something that had nothing to do with them. The final bell for first period sounded moments later and the room was now full of talking, despite the fact that the morning announcements were starting over the intercom. Just like everyone else, I paid them no mind and kept my head on my desk, putting my body into a state of calmness until my phone vibrated in my pocket. Without looking, I slid my hand into my pocket and pulled my phone out, peeking under my arm to get a glimpse of the screen. There was a picture message from an unknown number. Your sister sucks dick like a pro. Ask her if I can be next. Underneath the sickening message was that same sickening picture that I had just torn to pieces minutes ago. The message wasn’t from Levi because I already had his number stored in my phone, but the message alone almost made me crush my phone in my hands. Someone was fucking with me today and it didn’t seem like they were going to stop. They were going to taunt and torture me all the day with this picture of Joey, the love of my life, holding Levi’s dick in her hand. I felt like I was going to throw up, but nothing would come out. Without hesitation, I lifted myself up from my desk, grabbed my book and hoisted my book bag onto my back, and walked up front to the teacher’s desk. “I need to go see the nurse,” I said quickly, lying. “Is everything alright?” my teacher asked in return, her eyes full of concern. I nodded, my eyes flashing towards the door. I just wanted to get out of here. “I don’t know, I just need to go see her.” Reaching inside of her desk, she pulled out the pass for the nurse’s office and handed it to me. “Go ahead, take your time. I hope everything is okay,” she sympathized and I didn’t say another word as I headed out of the classroom. I was lucky that every teacher in this school loved me because anyone else wouldn’t have gotten out of class that easily.  Going to the nurses office was never in my plans and after I tossed the pass into the trashcan, I headed straight for the side doors of the school. The hallways were clear so making my escape was more than easy. There was no way I would be able to stay in school all day and I no longer gave a fuck about the rule about having to be in school all day to play in the game that night. I was the best on the team so they would have to let me play regardless. I didn’t bother running to my car because of the rain and instead, I just allowed it to soak my body, not caring how wet my clothes would get. I walked slowly to my car and got in, turning on the windshield wipers as I just sat there, feeling my body begin to shiver. I felt like shit and this whole situation wasn’t even about me; it was about Joey. Once again, I was fighting Joey’s battles for her. Finally gaining the mental strength to drive home, I started up the car and backed out of my parking spot, heading down the same route I had came that morning. The sound of the rain was once again the only thing I could hear as I drove home with a heavy mind. If I couldn’t get through school today, how would I get through it tomorrow? Plus, Joey would return to school tomorrow and that would make things even worse. The taunting and teasing would increase for sure and she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Joey was the weakest person I knew, but only I knew why she was so weak. Only I knew why she did certain things. The streets weren’t as packed as earlier so the ride home was quick and silent. After driving down the streets of my neighborhood, I finally came to a slow pace at the sight of my house, pulling into the driveway and parking at the back door as usual. Joey and my mother weren’t home yet, which I knew they wouldn’t be back that soon, and my father’s car was gone. When he wasn’t being a pastor, he held a side job as a stock market broker, just to keep himself occupied and bring in extra income. We were filthy rich because of him and I couldn’t complain. His schedule was flexible and because he was respected as a pastor, he could come in whenever he wanted. I was actually glad that he had chosen to go in today because I didn’t want to deal with his mouth. I entered the house through the back and left my muddy shoes on the back porch before proceeding through the eerily silent house and up the stairs to my bedroom. I walked over to my bedroom window and closed the blinds, causing a dimness to come over my room. One by one, I peeled my wet clothes off of my body and tossed them into the nearest hamper, being left in only my boxers and socks. I didn’t think twice or allow a guilty conscience to come over me as I lifted up my mattress, retrieved the bag of weed that I had stored there, and headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I stuffed a towel between the crack of the door and slid down onto the tile floor, opening the bag and getting out the small piles of weed. Also inside of the bag were the papers that I would need to roll the blunt and I did so with a fast pace. Over the past week, during idle time, I had taught myself how to successfully roll a blunt. I grabbed a lighter from under the sink counter and lit the blunt, wasting no time in inhaling its fumes. I didn’t care how wrong or ungodly this was; nothing else was going to calm my nerves but this. I entertained myself by doing tricks with the smoke, blowing it out of my mouth and taking it back in through my nose. I blew out little circles of smoke every now and then and eventually, I could feel my eyes becoming low. It was a dumb idea to be getting high with the possibly of my mother coming home at any minute, but with how my day was going, I honestly didn’t give a fuck. Being angry until tonight wasn’t going to get me anywhere. Finishing up the blunt in no time, I slowly stood up, struggling with the task because I felt like the room was spinning. I chuckled a little at nothing in particular as I gripped the counter, balancing my body to stand up all the way. I slid the towel from beneath the crack of the door with my foot, opening the door to go back into my room. Stumbling all the way to my bed, I fell face first onto the mattress, groaning from the sudden weakness of my body. The atmosphere was causing me to feel tired and before I knew it, I was falling into a deep, marijuana driven sleep, with worries no longer on my mind.

Halfway home, I had to pull over so Joey could get herself situated. There was no way that I was going to allow her to walk in the house dressed like she was because I knew that there was a possibility that our parents were still up. I glanced at the clock and noticed that it wasn’t even eleven o’clock yet. At least we were going to beat curfew and not have to worry about our parents breathing down our necks. It was bad enough that Joey was still high; she would probably be killed if she was caught. “Hurry up,” I rushed her impatiently, clenching my jaw and glaring at her as if her existence made me sick to my stomach. She was acting as if she was in the Twilight Zone and as if everything was funny. Seeing her hypnotized like this under whatever drug she was on made me want to quit doing drugs all together. “You’re killing my high, shut up,” she retorted before another giggle left her lips as she slowly began to button her blouse, taking her sweet time. Sucking my teeth, I leaned down and began to roughly remove her combat boots off her feet so I could get her leggings on for her. “I don’t have time for this shit,” I mumbled, snatching the leggings out of her hands and having my way with her body as if she was a rag doll or something. I didn’t care if I was hurting her or if I was making her uncomfortable because she had hurt me enough already. I had never felt a pain like this before and it made me upset that I had allowed myself to become so deeply in love with my own sister. And then for Levi to fuck me over like that? I’m not saying I ever trusted the dude because everyone around school knew that he was a fucking snake and people really only used him to get drugs. He was the type of person who was forever doing sneaky shit behind someone’s back, not even caring how it would affect that person. What makes me so angry about him is the fact that beforehand, he was smiling all in my face; I even bought some weed and cocaine from him, all to benefit Joey of course. Then I turn around and the guy is making my sister suck his dirty ass dick? He’s lucky that I only knocked him out because I had enough anger in me to kill him if I wanted to. “You didn’t have to knock Levi out like that. He wasn’t doing anything wrong,” she spoke, as if she had been reading my mind. “We were just having fun.” “Just shut the fuck up talking, please,” I begged her, with frustration in my voice. The more she talked, the more I felt my heart tear into tiny pieces. Everything she had done with Levi she had enjoyed and it made me sick to my stomach. I started the car and pulled back onto the road, seeing our neighborhood not too far in the distance. She sighed. “You’re always mean to me.” Her hand brushed down the side of my arm and I cringed, disgusted by her touch. I no longer desired her. I ignored her and kept my eyes on the road, trying my best to keep my emotions under control. The emotional pain that I felt was something I couldn’t put my finger on, but I knew that it was something serious. Joey knew I cared about her, more than I cared about myself, so I couldn’t understand why she would deceive me so badly. I knew that she was high, but she had to have had some kind of conscience while she was sucking Levi’s dick. How could she do this me? How could she not care after all that I’ve done for her? I’m the one always providing her with the drugs to make her feel good, so she can be happy with herself, and she does this? I wanted so badly to hurt her like she had hurt me, but I had too much love for her to ever think about laying my hands on her. Soon, the car was cruising along the streets of our neighborhood and I was then pulling into our driveway. I noticed right away that my dad’s car was gone, which was strange. He or my mom never left the house when Joey and I weren’t home. Maybe they were beginning to trust us. “They’re not even home. Let’s go back to the party!” Joey exclaimed anxiously and I couldn’t take it anymore. She knew how to get under my skin perfectly. “Nah, you’re gonna go in that house and brush that nigga’s dick off your teeth,” I retorted before I got out and slammed the car door behind me. I started to walk towards the backdoor, but when I didn’t hear any movement behind me, I stopped in my tracks and looked back at the car. Joey wasn’t moving a muscle and she was looking back at me with a smirk on her face, as if this was a joke. I then took it upon myself to go to her side of the car, open the door, and snatch her out of the seat. “Chill out!” she said with laughter, but I continued to drag her towards the door. If she wanted to act like a child, I would treat her like one. I hurried to get her inside of the house because I was afraid that some of neighbors could have been watching us. It was bad enough that everyone would be talking about the incident at school. I didn’t need our neighbors running their mouths to their parents. “Shut up,” I growled through clenched teeth, hurrying to unlock the back door. Once it was opened, I pushed her inside, closing the door behind us. “You don’t own me, Joel. So stop putting your fucking hands on me,” she suddenly spat, a sudden anger coming out of her. She was no longer grinning or laughing and I was kind of relieved to get a reaction out of her other than goofiness. “Hoes shouldn’t be allowed to speak, so I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up talking,” I replied harshly, pushing her right into the kitchen. “And keep your voice down. Mom might be here.” She sharply turned around to face me and her eyes pierced my soul. “Fuck you,” she said, right before she turned back around and walked through the kitchen, falling down in the process. She was still high. I walked right past her, not bothering to help her up. “Dumb ass,” I teased her. I found my way into the living room and marched up the steps, ready to be in my bed and far away from Joey. I went by my parents’ bedroom door first, stopping at it and knocking twice to see if my mom was at least here. “Mom?” I questioned at the door, hearing no reply back. I cautiously opened it and glanced around the room, seeing no one. I closed the door back and pulled my phone out of my back pocket, dialing my father’s number just so I could tell him Joey and I had gotten home safely. “Hello?” he answered in a rushed tone, as if he was occupied. “Yeah, Dad, I just wanted to let you know that we’re home…” I walked past the stairs, glancing down to see if Joey had made any progress, but I didn’t see her. “Where are you and Mom?” “One of the church members has been in the hospital battling cancer, so your mother and I thought we would stop by to deliver some prayer. We should be home in an hour.” I stepped inside of my bedroom, turning on the light. I should have known that them being out had something to do with the church. “Oh, okay. Joey and I send our prayers also…see you later.” “Don’t forget to pray before you go to bed.” I had to hold myself back from sucking my teeth. Was he serious? “I will.” “Bye.” I sighed as I hung up, tossing my phone somewhere on my bed before I laid back against the sheets. I stared up at the ceiling, trying my best to wipe this night from my memory and get my emotions in check. My sister wasn’t supposed to have this much of a hold on me, not in this way anyway. She was causing me to almost lose my mind and I had never lost this much control over myself. I was always the one that kept it together. What was going on? “You could have at least helped me up the stairs, you asshole,” Joey’s voice spoke out of nowhere, causing me to clench my bed sheets between my fingers. I just wanted her to go away. “Go do something useful with yourself, like brushing the cum off your teeth,” I retorted ruthlessly, sitting all the way up so I could see her. I swallowed hard as my eyes caught sight of her, standing in my doorway with her hair a mess and her clothes halfway hanging off her. Even with her looking a mess, I still found the beauty in her. “What’s your fucking problem? Why are you so jealous of Levi?” She crossed her arms and stared at me, waiting for an answer. I laughed even though I really found her statement not funny at all. I stood up and walked to the door. “You're being delusional now. It’s time for you to go to bed.” Grabbing her by the arm, I started to push her away from my doorway, but she stood planted in one spot, finally using her strength to fight back. “STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME!” Joey suddenly yelled, right before her hand came down hard across my face, causing my neck to snap to the side. A stinging pain took over and I almost thought I was seeing double until I came back to reality. I grabbed my face and looked back at her in disbelief, wondering if she was really that stupid to put her hands on me. Never had she hit me like that before and I knew it had to be the drugs giving her a sense of bravery. I grabbed her by both of her arms and snatched her up, right before slamming her against the wall, causing a couple of pictures to fall to the ground from the impact. She whimpered loudly in pain and cringed, but I felt no remorse. “You have the most fucking nerve right now, Joey,” I spoke, surprised at how calm my voice was. I was sick of yelling because it didn’t really get through to her. “After what you did tonight, I can’t even respect you.” “What did I do so bad to make you treat me like this?” she asked with frustration in her voice. She was so lost and confused that I wondered if she was even serious about not knowing anything. I realized that she was. That sickening feeling that I had in my stomach intensified and I thought I was going to throw up. If she wanted an answer, I would give her one. “You broke my fucking heart. That’s what you did, Joey. I was in love with you…and you did that to me. I love you Joey. Can’t you see that?” “You were in love with me?” she asked unsurely, looking me right in my eyes. “Yeah…” “And you don’t want me anymore?” Her voice cracked with this question and just like that, I was feeling like an asshole. Joey was my weak spot and I refused to stand there and watch her cry. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to hers. “Please don’t cry…just please don’t, Joey. I’m just angry that you did that stuff with Levi, aight?” “You said you hated me.” I sighed. “I didn’t mean it. I just say things that I don’t mean when I’m angry.” “Let me go,” she said, bypassing my statement. She seemed to be angry with me for no reason at all. She had done everything wrong, not me. “So you’re mad at me now?” I sucked my teeth and clenched my teeth. There were too many mixed emotions in the room and I couldn’t handle it. She stayed against the wall, looking at me as if she wanted me dead. “You don’t want me anymore just because I sucked Levi’s dick and not yours. Stop acting like a fucking baby. Last time I checked you were my brother, so you shouldn’t be in love with me anyway!” Joey exclaimed, clearly taunting me.  I felt so embarrassed after hearing her words that I wanted to hide in a hole. She had a point, a big point at that. I wasn’t supposed to be in love with her like I was. But there was no way I was going to let her see that she was right. “You think you’re something big just because you sucked a dude’s dick right?” I shook my head and chuckled at how stupid she was. “If anything, you’re a hoe now, Joey. No one’s gonna fucking want you and you’re only gonna be known for getting on your knees. It’s fucking pitiful how you’re letting these drugs control you and I’m tired of letting you have them so you can feel better. We’re not gonna fuck with them anymore, Joey,” I added, my voice turning into concern at the end. Right at that moment, I was reminded of the drugs Levi had gave to me and it caused me to take off my shoes, revealing the bags of drugs. I reached down and picked them up, holding them up so Joey could see. Her eyes widened. “Where did you-“ “It doesn’t fucking matter,” I cut in, leaving her to walk towards my bathroom. “This shit is going down the toilet.” “Joel, you wouldn’t dare…” I heard her footsteps behind me and she found her way into the bathroom with me. I didn’t speak a word because I preferred showing her how serious I was. I lifted the toilet seat and went for the bag with the weed in it. “Joel, please!” I heard her beg and hearing her sound so desperate almost made me stop my movements. “This stuff is gonna kill us, Joey,” I said, looking back at her. There were tears sliding down her cheeks and I became deeply worried. Was she seriously crying over drugs. “You can have me all you want, just please don’t take the drugs away. I’m begging you.” She clasped her hands together in a begging motion. “What?” “I said you can have me!” she repeated and I instantly stopped, not because of what she said, but because of how desperate and miserable she looked. These drugs were literally keeping her happy. I slowly put the toilet seat back down and faced her. “Joey, you need help,” I told her softly and she threw her arms around me in a tight hug. She was acting so weirdly. “If you love me you wouldn’t do this to me.” “I want you to get help.” “I want you to make love to me, Joel. Please?” she said, clearly trying to distract me from what I was initially trying to do. I felt my heart beat in my chest rapidly when her lips pressed to my neck lovingly, smothering it in wet kisses. “Joey…” I tried my best to push her away but all she did was hold me even closer. She continued to kiss all over my neck as she massaged the back of it with her fingertips, caressing me as if she was trying to win my heart back. She was distracting me from so much right now and I was allowing her to. “Make love to me,” she whispered again, finally moving back to look me in the eyes. “I don’t know how,” I admitted with embarrassment. When it came to sex, I knew nothing and I felt like a child. “We’ll learn together. Don’t you wanna be the only guy that has me in that way?” I nodded, a little unsure. Then I thought about some other guy taking her virginity. “Yeah, I do, but-“ “Let’s just do it then. I want you like you want me.” She pressed her lips back to my neck and I swiftly picked her up, causing her to instantly wrap her legs around my waist. I carried her all the way to my bed, setting her down on it before I went to shut my bedroom door. I didn’t bother with cutting off the light because I wanted to see everything that was going to happen. I turned around to see that Joey was already undressing herself, taking off her shoes, her leggings, her blouse, and then her skirt. I became nervous as I took off my own clothes, stripping myself down to my boxers. I grew even more nervous as I crawled on top of her, my eyes dancing along her toned body. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” I asked her respectfully, positioning myself on my knees between her legs. She looked up at me with fear in her eyes. “Will this hurt?” “I don’t know…” I bit my lip, really thinking if this was what I wanted to do. My conscience was eating me up and I knew that this was all wrong. There was no way I could do this sober. “Hold on,” I told her, propelling myself from the bed and quickly going back into the bathroom. I opened the bag with the cocaine in it and dumped some of it onto the counter, rushing to make a quick line. I had just preached to Joey about drugs and here I was crouched over the sink. I did one line, forgetting the burning sensation that came along with it. “Shit,” I cursed lowly, holding the bridge of my nose as I allowed it to sink in. After that, I made another line and took that one in, ignoring the burning pain the second time. I dipped my finger in the bag before returning back into my bedroom, taking back my position between Joey’s legs. “Here, take this,” I said, holding my finger up closely to her left nostril so she could take a sniff. She took it in, rubbing her nose. She coughed a little before relaxing against the pillows. “Do we need lube or something?” “I don’t think so,” I said unsurely, carefully reaching into her underwear and allowing my finger to brush over her clit. She was more than moist. “Nope. We don’t,” I told her with a nervous chuckle. “Well can you do your fingers first? It hurt last time and I wanna see if anything changed.” I nodded, feeling a little light headed. The drugs were starting to take over so quickly because of the amount of adrenaline that was rushing inside of me. Joey removed her underwear and I helped her right before I slowly slid my index finger inside of her, feeling her body tighten against it. She hissed a little and I stopped. “You aight?” “Yeah, keep going. It just hurts a little bit,” she directed me and I did as told, sliding my finger in a little deeper. A moan came from this and I knew I had to be doing something right. Seeing her being pleasured caused my dick to harden and poke outside of my boxers. I moved on to the next step of sliding my finger in and out of her, causing her moans to quicken and get louder. “That feels so good.” Her eyes were closed and I licked my lips, watching her. “Do you want me to put my dick in now?” Her eyes opened back up and she hesitantly nodded. “Yeah, just be gentle.” She ran her fingers through her hair and I could see her hands shaking. I removed my boxers, stroking myself a little before I switched my position, making my body hover over hers before I inched forward. Placing the head of my dick at her entrance, I kept my eyes on our lower bodies, wanting to see everything. I moved forward some more, attempting to get the tip inside of her but it seemed as if she didn’t want to let me in. “Stop, it hurts!” she exclaimed and I stopped, placing my hands on her thighs. “You need to spread your legs some more,” I told her, taking it upon myself to spread her legs wider so I could get a better view of her hole. She leaned forward so she could see what was going on, placing one arm across my shoulder. Wanting to get the hardest part over with, I pushed forward quickly, basically forcing myself inside her.  Joey screamed out in pain and I didn’t move. “The hard part is over with, you’re good,” I told her softly as I kissed her on the face to calm her down. Her face was wet with tears and she was breathing hard. I felt as if my dick was in a choke hold, but it felt too good to take it out. “I’m gonna go slow,” I told her before I showed her, moving my hips slowly as I grinded into her. Her fingers gripped my back and she whimpered in my ear. “Joel, it hurts,” she slurred and I could tell that her high was coming back. “Make it stop hurting.” “I’m trying, Joey, I’m trying…” I stopped for awhile so she could get herself together and then I jerked forward again, basically slamming in to her. The feeling of being inside of her felt too good to resist and I couldn’t help but to be rough. She cried against me and I knew that within a matter of minutes she would be fine. “Fuuuckkk, Joey. This feels so fucking good. You feel so fucking good.” I kissed her on her shoulder blade before I gradually sped up, causing my headboard to slam against the wall. “Shit, Joel,” she whined, still crying a bit as she pushed against my chest.  “Be a big girl, Joey. You’re okay,” I told her, not wanting to pull out. This feeling was better than any drug I had ever allowed to come into my body.  “I can’t take it, Joel,” she whined some more, her nails digging into the skin on my back. “You like it when I go slow like this?” I asked her before slowing down. It took awhile, but soon, I heard a moan escape from her lips. “You like that?” “Yeah,” she nodded and I continued doing slow, sensual movements. Her moans were soft and somewhat…angelic. I looked her in the eyes and at that moment, I felt a deep connection with her. She was no longer my sister. She was my soul mate. I looked back down to watch my movements again and I stopped once I noticed the blood. It was all over my dick and I became scared until I realized what it was. “Joey…I think I popped your cherry,” I spoke, looking back up at her. A look of worry came over her. “Is that a good thing?” “It means you’re not pure anymore.” “Then it’s a good thing. Just keep going,” she ordered me, pushing her body against mine so I could dive back into her. As I made love to her, I realized in that moment that we were both in something we couldn’t get out of. After tonight, our souls were attached and we would never be able to let go of the sick addiction we had with each other. We were both making a mistake that couldn’t be repaired and our lives were going to change drastically. And all I could hear was God tapping me on my shoulder, telling me how much I had disobeyed him.

“Should we just tell them we’re hanging out with some of the church kids?” “We’ve never hung out with them before. They wouldn’t believe us.” “Well let’s just sneak out.” “And die? Sure.” Heaving a sigh of frustration, I placed my hand on my cheek and rested my elbow on the kitchen table, staring into blank space. Joel and I were in the kitchen, plotting on how we would get our parents to let us go out for the night. The only thing was that we were headed to some guy named Levi’s party and we knew our parents wouldn’t go for it if we told them straight up where we were going. The school week had passed by normally and we hadn’t stepped out of line and done anything wrong. It was a Friday night for Christ’s sake – I wanted to go out and have fun for once. “Let’s just tell them that we’re going to a friend’s house for a movie night that we were invited to,” I suggested, looking back over at Joel who was scrolling through his phone with boredom written all over his face. We were both dressed like we had already been given permission to go out. “It would have to be somebody they knew though…maybe one of your friends. They don’t know much about mine.” Joel chuckled. “That’s because you don’t have any friends.” I shoved him hard and glared at him. “I don’t need friends.” He ignored my comment and pulled at the small hairs on his chin, appearing to be in deep thought. “I could always tell them we’re going to Ramone’s house. Dad seems to like him and Mom has met him a couple of times. He’s really the only person they’ll allow me to hang out with…” I nodded at his idea, perfectly content with it. “How are we gonna manage to get past curfew?” Joel slowly stood up and pushed in his chair. “We don’t need to be out past curfew. Don’t push it, Joey,” he said in return and walked past me out of the kitchen. I sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes, kind of bothered by the fact that he wasn’t trying to stay out past curfew. Our mother always told us that nothing good happened after midnight, but I was always the one that wanted to see what would happen. I was just a curious person. “Hey Dad, I gotta question for you…” I heard Joel speak from the living room and I instantly froze up, nervous of what my father’s answer would be to us wanting to go out. I nervously bounced my leg up and down under the table and looked towards the direction of the living room. “You’re not getting any more money this week, Joel. I just raised your allowance,” my father’s stern voice said in return. Joel chuckled. “It’s not about money at all. I just wanted to know if me and Joey could go to Ramone’s house for a movie night he invited us to.” He asked the question so confidently that I just knew my father couldn’t object. “Will Ramone’s parents be there?” “Yeah. I told him we couldn’t come if his parents weren’t going to be there,” Joel answered and I smirked at how much of a good liar he was. “Be home by midnight and no later. Drive safe,” our father replied and just like that, we were granted permission to go out, which was weird. He usually never let us go out or gave us a hard time. Maybe he was feeling sorry about what he did to me last week. I was glad that my mother was out on one of church meeting dinners with the women’s group because I didn’t want to hear her mouth about letting us go out. I heard footsteps approaching the kitchen and soon Joel reappeared with a huge grin on his face. “Consider me the best brother you’ve ever had,” he spoke with a hint of cockiness in his voice. Standing up, I brushed past him and headed for the back door. “You’re the only brother I’ve ever had,” I retorted slickly, grabbing a house key from the back porch before I opened the back door. Joel always reminded me to take an extra house key just in case he lost his. “Besides, all you did was ask him a question. I could have done that.” “No you couldn’t,” he said in return, walking out behind me before shutting and locking the door back. I stopped in front of our car and turned to face him, my hands on my hips. “You would’ve fucked it up for the both of us. You have a problem with putting your words together right, so you end up saying the dumbest shit.” “You’ve been a jerk to me all day, for what?” I looked him up and down and all he did was advance forward and brush past me, bumping me a little. I thought he was just being mean on purpose until I heard him laugh. “I’m just messing around, Joey. Why are you so sensitive?” He unlocked both doors of the car and got in on his side, shrugging at me once I turned to look at him. I reluctantly got in the car and didn’t give him a reply because I didn’t want to hear anymore of his teasing tonight. He cranked up the car and backed out, speeding down the road of our neighborhood. I rested my elbow on the door and looked out the window, pretending as if he wasn’t there. “So you’re gonna ignore me now?” his voice cut through my silence and I wished that he would just cut the radio on. “I don’t have anything to say.” “I don’t have anything to say,” he mimicked in a tiny voice as he poked me in the cheek and I couldn’t help but to crack a smile. He could be so childish at times but he was my brother and I loved him. I couldn’t help but to. Crossing my arms, I looked over at him. “Shut up.” “Make me.” Bypassing his comment, I reached over and rolled the window down some. It was a humid, California night but a little bit of wind was blowing. “So how do you know this Levi guy?” “Well first of all, he’s on the basketball team with me, which shows you don’t pay much attention to the sports at school.” Joel shook his head before continuing. “And second of all, how do you not know him? Almost everyone in the school does.” I didn’t pay much attention to what happened around school nor did I clue in on the latest gossip. My biggest concern at school was to just watch the clock and hope the day would end fast. “What’s so special about him?” Stopping at a red light, Joel looked me right in the eyes. “Let’s just say he’s the one that’s been helping us get high…” My eyes widened immediately and my mouth dropped. “He’s the guy you’ve been refusing to tell me about?” “I didn’t think it would be a big deal to tell you.” I leaned forward in my seat to get a better view of Joel’s face. “It is a big deal. This guy is my hero now.” Joel sucked his teeth. “Aight, Joanna. It’s not that serious. He’s bad news to be honest and I’m only going to this party to get out of the house for once, to meet new people.” He focused his eyes back on the road as the light changed and I took notice of how far we were riding away from our neighborhood. We had already passed the school and were on a different side of Beverly Hills that I had never really seen before. “He’s weird to me.” “Well I really wanna meet him, just to see what he looks like.” I sat back with a smile on my face, excited on the inside that I was going to meet the guy that had been helping Joel and I out. Without him, we wouldn’t have been able to escape from the life we had now. I looked down at my outfit and had the feeling that I suddenly needed to change something about it. I was dressed in a blue mini skirt, with leggings underneath, a white blouse, and a pair of combat boots. I was only allowed to wear the skirt out because of the leggings underneath. My father would have died before he let me show my legs. “And maybe I can finally make some friends,” I added sarcastically and Joel chuckled. I paid him no more mind as I unbuttoned the top buttons of my blouse, wanting to just expose my bra a little. I looked too covered up. “What are you doing” Joel asked out of nowhere in a semi-angry tone and I looked at him to see him looking at me with disappointment in his eyes. “Just tryna make myself look good,” I responded with a shrug and Joel took one hand off of the steering wheel to adjust my shirt, attempting to button it back up.  “You tryna go in this party looking like a hoe or something? Button it back up, Joey,” he ordered, as if he was my father or something. I looked at him as if he were crazy as I pushed his hand away. “You can’t tell me what to do!” I exclaimed, keeping my shirt as it was. He moved his hand, but didn’t put it back on the wheel. “Every guy is gonna be staring at you like you’re a piece of meat. They’re just gonna want to fuck you, Joey. Have some respect for yourself. I don’t want those guys looking at you!” he yelled and he nearly made me jump out of my skin. The look on his face scared me and I had never seen him like this. I could have sworn his eye color turned to red. Still, I didn’t do as he said. “I’m fuckin’ eighteen, Joel, and it’s my clothes so I can do what I want. And for your damn information I do have respect for myself!” I shouted back, my voice shaking some. I didn’t want him to see that I was scared but it was probably too late for that. Both of his hands were now clenching the steering wheel and I could see his knuckles turning white. “Joey, just-“ He stopped himself and took slow, deep breaths, clearly calming himself down. “Fine then, do what the fuck you want since you’re so grown. Don’t talk to me no more tonight. Do your own thing,” he finally said in a calmer tone and I was speechless. Was he dropping me already and we hadn’t even arrived to the party yet? He had blown up so fast in just a matter of seconds. It was crazy. I angrily crossed my arms. “Okay then,” I said with attitude, sitting back in my seat and staring back out the window. He cranked up the radio and spoke no more words to me. Frustrated tears formed in my eyes and wiped them away before they could even fall. I wasn’t going to allow an overprotective brother to ruin my night. Besides, we didn’t need each other all the time. A nervous feeling came over my stomach once the car came to a stop and I looked out the window to see a house blinking with colorful lights from the inside. On the outside of the house, there were different groups of people hanging around on the lawn, all laughing and screaming as if they were enjoying themselves, but none of these people looked familiar. I don’t even think they went to my our school. “Don’t take your purse inside, that’s all I have to say. People like to steal shit these days,” Joel spoke after he had turned the radio down and cut off the car. I pretended as if I was ignoring him but I did toss my purse in the backseat. He got out without another word and waited for me to get out before he locked the doors. After that, he basically left me on my own, already walking towards the front door. The house was huge and I felt small as I looked up towards it, anxious to see what was inside. The music coming from inside was loud and had a techno sound to it and as I walked up the front steps behind Joel, I felt as if everyone was staring at me and him, wondering how in the hell the preacher’s kids managed to come to a party like this. Then again, maybe they weren’t staring at us. Maybe I was just extremely paranoid for no reason. I kept my eyes straight ahead of me as we walked inside, the smell of weed instantly hitting my nose. At that moment, I relaxed and all nervousness went out the window. Weed always made me feel brave and confident and I was ready to get my hands on something. In the blink of an eye, Joel had disappeared and as I looked around, I saw him nowhere. I couldn’t make out faces because the house was mainly dark with just the flashing, colorful lights all around me. The music pounded in my chest and caused me to bob my head a little. I took refuge on the nearest wall and just watched my surroundings, taking in the different smells of what I assumed to be the living room. There was definitely liquor somewhere in here because I could smell it strong on the clothes of others as they passed me. “Joey?” I heard a voice speak in confusion and in front of me I noticed no one other than Lauren approaching. I was lucky that she couldn’t see me roll my eyes in the darkness. “What’s up, Barbie?!” she exclaimed over the music and she gave me one of those fake hugs that all the girls did at school. I should have known that she would be here. “Just thought I’d come check this party out with Joel,” I answered her with a shrug and she grinned. “Joel’s here? That’s awesome,” she replied. Everyone in school knew that she had the biggest crush on Joel and he paid her no mind. He always told me how white chicks weren’t his type. “Your parents let you come to something like this?” I chuckled. “They don’t know.” She pointed at me. “Niiiceee. Finally learned how to lie to your parents, I see. You’ll be on the road to being a bad ass in no time.” She gave me a pat on the shoulder before looking around. “But I’ll be right back.” I nodded and just like that, she left. I silently hoped that she wouldn’t come back. The wall didn’t hold much action and I found myself becoming bored, but then again, I was just a nice, little church girl…what the hell did I know about action? I tore myself from the wall and ventured further into the living room, seeing a couch full of people surrounded by a table full of weed and other hardcore drugs that I knew about. I tried my luck by taking a seat beside a random, dark haired guy who was missing his shirt and his eyes were covered with shades. “Sup?” he spoke, giving me a head nod once I sat down. “Hi,” I said shyly, eyeing the blunt that was in his hand hungrily. “Want a hit?” He held out the blunt in my direction and I wasted no time in taking it from it. When it came to weed, I had no conscience and I was fine with that. I took a long drag and held the smoke in my chest before I handed it back to him and blew it back out into the atmosphere, grinning at how good it felt to finally be able to let go and have a good time. “Looks like someone is a pro,” he said with a chuckle, taking another hit before he passed it back to me. He was being so generous to a stranger like me and I was surprised, but I didn’t speak on it. If he wanted to share his weed, that was fine with me. At least ten minutes passed of us passing the blunt back and forth and I wasn’t as high as I thought I would be. There was a possibility that my tolerance was probably higher and never once did I ever think I would become bored of weed, but I did. I slowly stood up, wondering where the kitchen was so I could get something to drink. My throat was insanely dry. As I started to walk away, the random guy grabbed my hand and I looked back at him. “Where you going, beautiful?” he asked. “I’ll be back,” I reassured him because I did have plans on coming back. He dropped my hand and nodded, going back to his weed. I focused on navigating my way through this house that I knew nothing about, squeezing by dancing sweaty, dancing bodies. My eyes darted around me with the music still beating in my chest and finally, I found what had to be the kitchen. It was nearly packed with bodies and I uncomfortably walked in the direction of the fridge, just wanting a glass of water. “Excuse me,” I said politely and majority of the people I said it to moved out of the way. My hands landed on the fridge and I opened it, only to see bottles of soda instead of water. Sighing, I grabbed a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew and found a red plastic cup to pour it in. As I turned around to put the bottle back in the fridge, I bumped into a body, nearly spilling my drink. “Sorry,” I mumbled, looking into the face of a white guy with blue eyes and brown hair. He was beautiful. He grinned, showing his perfectly white teeth. “It’s cool,” he responded, looking me deeply in the eyes, taking the bottle out of my hand and placing it on the counter. The moment became a little awkward and I almost left until he spoke again. “I’m Levi.” The infamous Levi? If it wasn’t for the weed, that nervousness I had would have probably came back. “I’m Joey,” I replied confidently. Levi nodded. “I know,” he said and I gave him a look of confusion. “Well, everyone knows who you are. You’re Joel’s twin sister, right?” “Yep.” I smiled, wondering where the hell Joel was anyway. I hadn’t seen him at all since we got inside the house. “Nice place you got here.” He laughed. “Wouldn’t be shit without my parents.” He shrugged before biting his lip. I could have just been seeing things, but it seemed as if he was interested in me. “Are you having a good time?” “I guess you could say that. I feel relaxed, but not relaxed enough, ya know?” “Maybe you haven’t had something strong enough yet. Weed doesn’t always do the trick and the guy you were smoking with has the weakest shit.” I raised an eyebrow. “You were watching me?” Levi smirked. “I happened to glance over there. I have way better stuff then him, trust me. Joel knows.” I watched him as he then reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small back. He placed it in between us on the counter and I looked at it, seeing a pink pills. “Ever popped a pill before?” I looked back up at him. “Only pain medication.” “Well this definitely isn’t any pain medication. It’s better if you ask me. It’ll really help you relax,” he explained, taking one out of the bag and handing it to me. “Take it.” He gestured towards the pill in my hand. I was hesitant for a couple of seconds before I mustered up bravery and tossed it in my mouth, swallowing it down with the soda. I didn’t want him to think I was lame or anything like that because I was already finding myself becoming interested in him. “How long does it take before it starts working?” “Give it ten minutes. Wanna go chill?” I nodded and soon, I felt his warm hand in mine as he lead me through the crowd, bobbing his head to the loud techno music. I felt like I was something big as we navigated through everyone as they stared at us. Something was telling me that I was the luckiest girl in the world right now and the other girls in the room wanted to be me.  For once, I felt wanted. We ended up in a huge bedroom that had a huge bed to go along with it and the walls were decorated with posters of vintage rock stars and marijuana symbols. Levi closed the door behind us. “Is this your room?” I asked, looking around before I took a seat on the bed. “Yeah, you like it?” I nodded. “Looks better than my room,” I said, wiping sweat from my forehead. All of sudden I was feeling extremely hot, as if someone had been a dumbass and turned the heat on. I touched my hair and felt it frizzing up some. “It feels hot all of a sudden,” I added, fanning myself with both hands as I looked in Levi’s direction. “Well you do have a long sleeve shirt on,” he pointed out with a chuckle and I felt dumb as I pushed up my sleeves and kicked off my combat boots. He pulled his white t shirt over his head and I felt myself staring at his body. “Nice tattoos,” I complimented, feeling as if I was being engulfed by fire. My body was also starting to feel a bit jittery and I knew the drugs just had to be working now. “Thanks.” He sat down beside me so that we were sitting shoulder to shoulder and I felt the heat inside of my body cool down some. My heart beat sped up as soon and I cooled down and I suddenly couldn’t sit still for some reason. “How are you feeling?” “Like I can jump off a building,” I replied in a high pitched voice before I laughed at myself, feeling as if my eyes weighed a ton. This stuff was working fast and I still had no idea what the hell he had given me. Levi licked his lips, staring at me. “Good.” I stood up and pulled at his hands. “Let’s go jump off a building together!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands into the air before I fell on top of him, giggling. I was starting to feel so free. He laughed, placing his hands on my hips. “I don’t know about you but I’m not tryna die tonight,” he joked, brushing a stray piece of hair out of my eyes. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” I bit my lip. “Yeah, but I never wanted any of those guys. I want you,” I said slowly, moving my body against his to the beat of the music. Nothing else existed right now except the music and Levi. Not even my own thoughts existed. “My body feels like Jell-O, like I can’t control it.” I laughed some more, feeling Levi’s hands land on my butt. It felt so good to have his hands there, but it felt as if my body was heating up once again. “It’s so fucking hot, Jesus Christ!” I quickly moved off of him and unbuttoned my blouse, tossing it over to the side with my black bra now exposed. “You know, you should strip for me…” Levi suggested. I nodded. “I should…” I stood up and moved so that I was standing in front of him. “And I will.” I smiled big, with my eyes still low and the music pulsating throughout my body. What was this feeling? It made me feel as if I were on top of the world. I ran my hands down my neck and over my breasts, sliding my bra off my body and feeling a coolness come over my nipples. I shuddered a little, but I kept my eyes on Levi, feeling as if I had something to prove. As I was doing this, he watched me and removed his jeans at the same time, leaving himself dressed in only his boxers. “Keep going,” he spoke softly, looking my body up and down. I did as told with a sneaky smile on my face, leaning down to remove my leggings, showing off my bare, toned legs. I was having more fun feeling myself up as I ran my hands up and down my body, feeling like I was one with the music. I slid my skirt off next and I was left standing there in only a pair of bright pink boy shorts. I ran my fingers between my thighs before I sauntered to Levi, parking myself on his lap. “You like what you see?” I asked sluggishly. “I fucking love it,” he commented and I giggled before pressing my lips to his. He wasted no time in sliding his tongue into my mouth and it felt good to tongue kiss him. I moaned in his mouth as his fingers danced across my breast, massaging them in his hands.  I broke the kiss and stared him in the eyes. “Can I suck you off?” I asked him boldly, getting off him and placing my hands at the brim of his boxers. “I’ve never done it before.” “You can do whatever the hell you want.” His tone of voice was anxious and he even helped me get his boxers off. I licked my lips at the sight of his dick standing straight up. It felt hard, yet soft against my fingers and I massaged it like I did that time with Joel. He sat back on the bed and I sat down beside him, still holding his dick in my hand. “Go ahead,” he encouraged me and without hesitation, I placed my lips on the tip, letting my tongue come out between my lips as I gave him one quick lick. “Don’t be a tease, Joey,” he said and I opened my mouth as wide as I could, taking in half of his length. I closed my eyes and went with the flow of the music, feeling as if I was doing something right for once. I heard him softly moan and then he grabbed a handful of my hair, aiding me in moving my mouth up and down. Levi seemed to be enjoying it so I sped up my pace some, still not having any idea what I was doing. I felt as if I was going to choke at one point but I never stopped. I felt important, I felt dirty, and better yet, I felt amazing. This was amazing. I came up for air to see Levi with his eyes completely closed, enjoying the moment. I smirked before going back down, taking in more of him. In the background I could hear the door opening but I paid it no mind. “This room is fucking occupied-“ I heard Levi speak before things got silent. “Oh shit…” he said in a voice as if he had been caught and I finally took my mouth off his dick to look up to see Joel standing there. And boy was he livid. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” he screeched and I escaped to the nearest corner of the room, wanting to be out of his path when he went off. Everything seemed to move too fast as I stood there and watched Joel basically drag Levi off the bed, throw him on the floor, pick him back up again, and punch him ruthlessly in the face. “YOU GOT THE WRONG FUCKING ONE RIGHT NOW, LEVI!” he yelled some more, the veins bulging in his neck as he screamed at Levi, who was too knocked out to even listen if he wanted to. I had never seen Joel hit anyone in my life and to see him knock someone out cold was shocking. “YOU THINK SHE’S A FUCKING WHORE OR SOMETHING? YOU BROUGHT HER IN HERE TO SUCK YA DIRTY ASS DICK?” He sent a hard kick to his body and by this time, a crowd had formed at the door, watching in both enjoyment and shock. When Joel’s eyes snapped to mine, I looked away from him. “We were just having fun,” I slurred, rubbing my face to remove all sweat.  “YOU GOT TEN FUCKING SECONDS TO PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON, JOEY. DON’T FUCK WITH ME,” he spat in my direction and I couldn’t help but to giggle at his anger now. It couldn’t even fuck with my high. I might have been caught off guard at first, but now I found the situation to be funny. He was yelling and making himself look stupid for no reason. There was so much anger in his eyes and he watched me slowly put my skirt back on and then my bra. I didn’t bother with putting the blouse of leggings back on. I shoved my feet into my combat boots and before I could take another breath, Joel was snatching me by the arm. “Don’t be so rough,” I told him as he pushed past everyone at the door. I looked at all of them and playfully blew kisses. “I love all of you. Let’s all take pink pills and have fun!” I joked despite the situation and no one laughed. I was being snatched through the crowd by Joel and all I could think about was how high I still was. I wanted to dance, I wanted to run, and I wanted to be free. The night air smacked me in the face and I realized that Joel had taken me out of the party like the buzz kill he was. I was carrying my blouse and leggings in my hand and I didn’t have the urge to get fully dressed. I could feel Joel shaking as he held me in his grasp and I attempted to snatch away from him but his hold was too tight. Before I knew it, we were away from the crowds and at the car. “How the hell did you find me?” I asked him. He turned around and stared me down. “How the hell did I find you? After what happened, that’s all you fucking care about? Just get in the fucking car, Joey. You’ve done enough tonight,” he said through gritted teeth and I still found his anger to be humorous.  I placed my elbows on top of the car and leaned against it, not worried about getting in. “Aww, is someone mad?” I teased. He was already on the other side of the car and he almost got in until I spoke those words. “Get. In. The. Car. Now,” he replied in broken sentences and I laughed loudly at him. “You’re just mad because I’m high and you’re not,” I taunted, sticking out my tongue and laughing against the car. “Joey…” “What, you want me to suck you off too? You mad because you’ve never had your dick sucked you little virgin!” I exclaimed and as always, my mouth had gotten me in trouble. Next thing I knew, I was shoved up against the car with Joel gripping my arms between his fingers. “SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW, YOU FUCKING SLUT! I HATE YOU, YOU DUMB ASS BITCH!” he yelled in my face and even through my insensitivity, I could hear the pain in his voice. I could hear the disappointment and hurt clear as day. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?” He slammed me against the car again and I cringed, and on his last words I heard his voice crack. “I FUCKING HATE YOU! he screamed one last time before he opened the car door for me and pushed me inside, closing the door behind me. My face displayed a blank stare and I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I just knew Joel hated me. He got in on his side and started the engine right away, speeding off with the tires of the car screeching. The silence inside of the car was killing me and if anything, all I could hear was his heavy breathing, with his clenched jaw and eyes full of tears. I was just too confused. “Joel…” I spoke softly before I reached to touch his face. He moved away. “Don’t touch me with those dirty ass hands. I fucking hate you.” At least his voice was more calm now. “You’re acting like you’re my fucking boyfriend or something! I wouldn’t have acted like this if I saw some girl sucking your dick.” “I would never let a girl even come near my dick, Joey. I can’t believe you…I can’t…” He stopped talking because his voice wouldn’t allow it. His face was soaked with tears now and all I could do was sit there and confused. I wasn’t even feeling sympathy. “I love you…and you did that? Doing shit like that makes you look like a fucking slut and now everyone knows. Fuck you, Joey. I’m ashamed to even call you my sister anymore…” “Well I don’t care.” I shrugged and sat back in my seat, feeling the pills take a toll on my body. I was cold again and just wanted to be in my bed. “You hurt me and you don’t care?” “How the fuck did I hurt you, Joel? Please tell me.” “Because we were supposed to be…” He suddenly stopped himself and I opened my eyes to see him looking away with shame. “Just fuck it. If you don’t care, I don’t care. Don’t talk to me ever again…you’re dead to me.” His words didn’t matter at all nor did they hurt me. It wasn’t my fault he was jealous of the life of the party.

She laughed in my face and caressed my cheek with her hand. “You just wanna see me naked, you pervert.” “You know you wanna see me naked too.” She nodded and bit her lip. “You look like you got a big dick, Joel…do you? I ain’t never seen a dick in person before,” she admitted. “I’ll show you,” I whispered to her and she sat up slowly, never taking her eyes off me. “Can I touch it?” I sat up also. “Yeah,” I said in return before I removed my white t-shirt from my body. Her eyes danced across my tattoos and I could feel myself wanting her more and more. I wanted my own sister and I could tell that she wanted me. “You gotta take your clothes off too,” I reminded her and she wasted no time in removing her shirt, probably eager to see me naked. I became wide eyed at the sight of her breasts sitting comfortably in her bra. I never knew they were so big. Well, they were big enough. I removed my basketball shorts, immediately revealing my dick seeing that I never wore boxers underneath them. I loved to feel free at night when I went to bed. I glanced down to see that I was already hard. Joey gasped and I looked up at her. “Why does it look all stiff like that?” she asked. I sniffled and rubbed my sore nose. “Because it wants you.” She laughed and I laughed also. “Let me feel…” With one swift, slow movement, her hand was cupping the head of my dick and I threw my head back against the wall, feeling too much pleasure to feel the pain from the impact. Just that one little touch that she did was multiplied, making my toes curl. “It feels good?” “It feels fucking great,” I corrected her and my response caused her to rub my dick slowly. “Should we be doing this?” “I don’t know.” I placed my hand on top of hers to stop her movements. “Do you wanna stop?” Joey shrugged. “I’m not sure.” “Take your clothes off,” I instructed her next, remembering and seeing that she was fully clothed. She slowly did as told and in a matter of seconds, she was fully naked, sitting in front of me on the floor. “Joey, you’re beautiful,” I told her, looking her up and down before my hands slowly began to wander over her body. She grinned and watched my hands as they traveled down her stomach and stopped right above the most guarded area on her body. I noticed that she was bare with no traces of any hair. “I thought you weren’t allowed to shave?” “Mom doesn’t have to know everything,” she retorted, impatiently looking at my hand as if she wanted me to go further. I carefully touched what I knew was her clitoris from what I learned in health class, and I rubbed it slightly. She hissed and grabbed my wrist. “Do you want me to stop?” “No. It just feels too good.” Licking my lips, I moved in a bit closer to her before pressing my lips to hers to capture her in a slow kiss. All that could be heard in the bathroom was the sounds of our lips smacking against each other’s and I was so ready to have her. I went a little ahead of myself by inserting one finger inside of her because she yelled out in pain and backed away from me in a panic.  “What did I do?!” I exclaimed, trying to move back towards her, but all she did was scoot away further. “Don’t touch me!” she yelled back, her voice trembling. “What did I do?!” I repeated back, my body temperature rising with pure fear as I stayed planted in one spot.  “You hurt me!” she told me and my heart dropped to my stomach. “I didn’t mean to…I didn’t know what I was doing.”  Joey looked at me with wide eyes, not knowing if she wanted to believe me or not. I sighed loudly and sat back against the wall, not wanting my high to go away. “Just…don’t do that anymore,” she said, slowly standing up, keeping her eyes on me. “I need to shower. I feel dirty,” she added. I stood up. “At least let me shower with you?” “I don’t care.” With an awkwardness in the air, I stood behind her and waited for her to turn the shower on and once she did, I stepped in beside her. Our sexual moment had happened so fast and just like that, it was over all because of my stupidity. I stood behind her in the shower, feeling the water bounce off her body and hit mine. I watched her every move as she just stood there, her eyes closed as if she was enjoying the feeling of the water. “Joey…” I said softly and there was no response. I wrapped my arms around her waist, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin, but she calmed down and made herself comfortable against my skin. “I love you,” I told her in her ear smoothly. She nodded. “I love you too, Joel.” “We’re gonna be fine.” “We are.” And with that said, she turned around and pressed her lips back to mine. She was my beautiful, sick, twisted addiction.

With the previous evening’s events, the thought of getting up and dressed for an early Saturday morning practice was out of the question. All I wanted to do was stay home and watch over Joey, but my father had thought otherwise. He came banging on my door, ordering me to get up and I couldn’t argue with him because I knew that if I did, I would probably be sitting in that bathtub, being cleansed of sins that could easily be prayed away.  I sat up and stared at the blankness of my bedroom wall, my eyes low and full of sleep. I hadn’t gotten any sleep because I stayed up most of the night with Joey, calming her down and keeping an eye on her. She was scarred and there was really nothing I could do; that was her first time ever experiencing something like that. As for me, I had experienced it more than twice and each time, I thought I was closer to death. If anything, I was more worried about Joey than anything. I didn’t want her faith in Christ to disappear, but my father had damaged her. Shaking my head as I thought about everything, I finally found the strength to get out of bed and head to my bathroom to brush my teeth. I had no plans of showering because I didn’t think there was a point; I was bound to get all sweaty and funky at practice. Brushing my teeth would suffice for now, so after doing so, I moved along with dressing myself in my practice uniform along with the proper shoes. I grabbed my gym bag from under my bed and soon found myself downstairs in the kitchen, in the presence of my mother. I didn’t speak a word to her as I reached into the fridge and pulled out a carton of orange juice, pouring myself a glass and downing it soon after. She sat at the kitchen table, her Bible laid out in front of her as her hand rested on her forehead. She looked stressed, but I didn’t care enough to ask her what was wrong. In my eyes, she was the whole cause of what went down yesterday. If she would have just kept her mouth shut and not over exaggerated, Joey wouldn’t have been upstairs looking as if she had seen a ghost. As I turned my back to place my glass in the dish washer, I heard her tired voice speak from behind me. “How is Joanna doing?” she asked me and I furrowed my eyebrows at the nerve of her even asking that question, before I turned around. “She’s fine,” I said in return, lying to her and myself. Joey was anything but okay. But if my mother cared so much, she could have went upstairs and checked on her. She sighed. “I just want you and her to understand that me and your father are only trying to do what God asks of us,” she told me and I had to bite down on my lip to stop myself from snapping on her. “Yeah,” I simply said, not having the patience to talk about this or argue with her. I picked my gym bag up from the kitchen floor. “See you this afternoon.” I gave her a small head nod before I walked out of the kitchen and then out the back door, trying to put everything behind me. I got in my car and then drove off towards the school. I’ve always wondered what it felt like to have a normal life, to be able to hang out with friends and be yourself with having to be judged. For once, I wanted to be able to sin and not feel bad about it the next day, but my conscience repeatedly beat me up, even when I just did simple things like say a curse word. Ever since I was little, I’ve been dealing with daily routines; everything has to be in the perfect place at the perfect time. In my family, there’s no room to have flaws or even be human. If anything, Joey and I were scarred from perfection. Maybe that’s why we did certain things, like smoke weed…it simply helped us relax. My picturesque thoughts of a normal life were washed away once the school came into view. It was starting to become annoying having to get up every Saturday morning for an hour and a half practice because to be quite honest, I didn’t think I needed the practice. I’m always on the starting line-up and I’ve been point guard on Varsity since my freshman year; that’s how good I am at the sport. Don’t get me wrong, there are other good players on the team, but without me, we wouldn’t have gone to the state championship last year. The only reason I come to practice is to keep my father happy and my coach smiling. I got out of the car, slamming the door shut with my gym bag at my side. I peeped some of the other guys pulling up into the parking lot and I gave them simple head nods before strolling casually into the back side of the school, where the gym was located. I didn’t see the point in heading to the locker room since I was already dressed out in my practice gear, so I set my bag down on the bottom bleacher and began my warm ups on my own, not really having the patience to wait around for everyone else. “Always ahead of the game,” I heard my Coach’s deep voice speak from the other side of the gym, just as I was beginning my calf stretches. I looked up a little caught off guard, just now realizing that he was in the gym. “Always,” I said back, showing a small smile before going back to what I was doing. Feet could be heard on the other side of me walking into the locker room and I looked up again to see Coach walking towards me. He took a seat on the bleachers behind me and I glanced at him. “I’ve never really asked you this, Joel, but what are your plans after you graduate?” I stuck my tongue out between my lips, trying to concentrate on the stretches and his question at the same time. “Probably attend a four year university out of state and continue playing ball. I was thinking about going to Howard in DC…” He leaned forward to get a better look at me. “Why out of state? Trying to get away from your parents?” I shrugged. “Something like that,” I said in return and he chuckled. If only he knew I wasn’t joking. “I can agree with you and say I know how you feel.” He sighed. “You ever thought about playing for the NBA? They could use your talents.” I nodded. “Of course, that’s the main thing I’m gonna work towards once I graduate. As long as I stay focused, I know there won’t be a problem with me being drafted into the NBA. I’m too good to be looked over,” I said with a smirk. He stood up with a grin on his face also, patting me on my shoulder. “Well good. It relaxes me to know that I at least have one player whose mind is focused on the big picture, unlike these other goofs who’d rather be focused on smoking, drinking, and partying. The teenagers these days are something else.” Coach shook his head before releasing my shoulder. “Tell me about it…” I agreed with him, feeling a bit of guilt down inside of me. A part of me was just like everyone else with the whole smoking aspect. He blew on the small, silver whistle that had been around his neck, sending a high pitched noise throughout the gym. “Alright boys, dressing room time is over!” he shouted and I chuckled at his choice of words. About a minute later, majority of the team came walking out of the locker room, heading over to where Coach and I were standing. “Look at Mr. Goody Two Shoes, being an over achiever as always,” one of my teammates, Ramone, commented as he took a spot beside me, playfully punching me in the arm. I shoved him back. “Gotta show some type of enthusiasm for the sport,” I said in return. Ramone was something like the brother I never had; he never judged me or my parents because of our strict religion, nor did he care. He came from a Hispanic family full of Catholics; he had experienced some strict religious practices himself. “I want everyone to give me ten laps around the gym. Slackers will be told to start over, no exceptions. Let’s go,” Coach instructed as he clapped his hands together and a couple of groans could be heard around the gym. I didn’t see the point in complaining because we did this every Saturday. I was used to it. I took off in a jog, my feet hitting the gym floor in rhythm to a beat in my head. I could hear feet behind me like I always did, seeing that I always kept myself out in front. I soon felt someone’s shoulder brush up against mine and I looked to my right to see Ramone running alongside me. “Did you ever find out who gave Joey that hickey?” he asked out of nowhere and I shook my head, never slowing my pace. We were running steadily enough that a casual conversation could be held. I glanced at him. “Nah. I don’t really think it’s a big deal.” Ramone sucked his teeth. “Are you serious? If I found out some nigga gave my sister a hickey, I would be ready to whoop his ass,” he said rather loudly and I gave him a warning look. “Keep your voice down,” I replied, looking back ahead of me. Lap one had been completed and we were now starting on our second one. “Joey’s eighteen years old, she can handle herself. Besides, I don’t think it was a hickey anyway.” “Yeah, sure. What was it then?” “Her skin is sensitive to jewelry. She could have worn a necklace that wasn’t good for her skin or something.” “I thought she wasn’t allowed to wear jewelry like that,” he debated, beginning to annoy me. “Since when did you start getting all in her business?” I snapped at him. Ramone put his hands up in defense. “Chill, bro. I’m only going off of what you tell me,” he pointed out and I had to tell myself to calm down. I just didn’t like when people talked about Joey when she wasn’t around to defend herself. I wasn’t the type of person to talk negatively about my own sibling like most people did. “But you’re right, she’s eighteen, she can take care of herself. I just find it weird that she didn’t tell you anything about it. I thought you guys had that whole twin bond shit going on.” He chuckled but I didn’t laugh at all.  “Just drop it,” I told him, now noticing that I was on my third lap. It seemed as if these things were never going to end. “Aight, it’s dropped,” he said, taking his eyes off me. “Prom is coming up in like three months. You going?” Ramone always knew how to drop one subject and switch to another one without making things awkward. “Probably.” “Yeah, I think I’m going too. Cynthia is dragging me to it, so I have no choice.” He sighed and laughed a bit at how his girl friend, Cynthia, basically wore the pants in their relationship. It was as if she had Ramone on a leash. “Who are you taking?” His question kind of struck me powerfully, catching me off guard. There wasn’t really any girls that I talked to like that in school. I knew majority of the females here had a crush on me, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. Maybe it was because I was so stuck on Joey – I had deep feelings for my own sister. It was as if I had some kind of sick addiction to her. If I ever even saw her talking to a guy, I would become jealous in an instant. On the inside, I was relieved that she wasn’t allowed to date because I wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing another guy kissing on my sister. “I don’t know yet. Might just go with Joey ‘cause I doubt she’s gonna find a guy to go with,” I said in return, a confident smile spreading across my lips. I was horrible. “Aww, isn’t that cute? Taking your sister to the prom…” Ramone replied sarcastically and I shoved him in the arm.  The fourth lap finally came, but I felt as if I was moving too slow. I usually went faster than this. “You’re slowing me down. I’ll talk to your nosey ass later,” I told him right before I sped up, getting ahead of him and still staying ahead of the rest of the team.  The wind that my body created flew past my face and I felt at ease almost immediately. Running always made my stresses and worries go away. After all the exercises were done with, practice went by like a blur. I felt as if it was too easy and got through everything before everyone else. That hour and a half I always dreaded seemed like it went by in a matter of minutes and soon, it was time to pack up and go.  I ventured to the locker room with the rest of the guys only to use the bathroom. I wasn’t the type of person to shower in the locker room because I liked to do all the personal stuff at home. After taking care of my business, I walked back into the locker room and took a seat on the bench just to rest for awhile. Ramone was busy digging in his locker and the rest of the guys were indulged in their own private conversations. “You plan on going to the NBA after all this school shit is done with?” I asked Ramone before I bent down to retie the laces on my sneakers. Ramone finally pulled out a stick of deodorant from his locker, shutting it afterwards. He applied the deodorant roughly as he looked in my direction. “I doubt it. My pops wants me to enlist in the army, so that’s what I’m doing.” “Is that what you wanna do?” I countered. He shook his head. “Not one bit, but I gotta keep the family tradition going. Almost every guy in my family has been in the military or air force.” “Guess you have to then,” I said in return and Ramone nodded with a look of defeat on his face. I opened my mouth to say something else but the feeling of a finger tapping on my shoulder interrupted it. I looked up to see that same face, with those blue eyes and that blonde hair, that helped aid me in my greatest sin almost every week. He nodded his head towards the bathroom and I stood up. Ramone gave me a look of confusion. “I’ll be back,” I told him before I followed my dealer into the bathroom. Levi Rouse had to be the worst thing to ever arrive to a Christian private school. He loved to walk around and remind people that he was an Atheist and that he had been forced to come here by his parents. If you wanted to get high, he was the person you would come to and only a select few had connections with him. I was one of those few people. Levi had been supplying me with weed for two months now and I found myself continuously going to him. I was lucky that he was on the team, meaning that he was always close by. I walked into one of the stalls with him and closed the door behind us, shielding us from any curious onlookers. “What you got?” I asked him, leaning up against the door. “It’s not weed…” he started off and I raised an eyebrow as he reached into his gym shorts and pulled out a Ziploc bag. I was caught off the guard by the sight of cocaine. I had never touched that shit and I didn’t have plans too. “…but it is something better,” he added with a devious smirk, holding the bag up in front of me. “Nah, I ain’t messing with that,” I said, turning to leave. He placed his hand on my shoulder, turning me back around. I sucked my teeth. “Are you really that much of a pussy, Joel?” Levi retorted, looking at me with disbelief. “You like weed right?” “Yeah, but-“ “Alright then. This is like weed, except ten times better. You’ll stay high longer and you won’t have to worry about hiding the smell ‘cause there isn’t one. Less chance of your parents catching you,” he pointed out, but I still wasn’t persuaded to buy the bag of cocaine. “Fuck that. I’ve seen what it does to people.” “That’s because those dumb fucks slipped up and let themselves get addicted. I’m just asking you to try it, that’s all. You know I wouldn’t sell you no dirty shit, Joel,” he said next and I looked at him as if I was crazy. “I’m pretty sure Joey would like it,” he brought up with a grin and I almost punched him in the mouth. “Don’t put her in this, she ain’t touching that shit,” I told him firmly and he laughed at the anger I was showing. “See, this is why you need this shit ‘cause you’re always on edge. I’ll sell it to you for ten bucks.” I stood there contemplating, not even knowing why I was thinking about it in the first place. I knew what this shit did to people; I watched enough television to see it all. This wasn’t what I wanted to do. “Take it.” The Devil’s whisper was so loud. Reaching down into my shoe and into my sock, I pulled out the ten dollar bill that I always brought to practice whenever I knew Levi would be there to sell me weed. I pushed the money towards him and he took it, giving me the bag of cocaine in return.  “I’m not buying this shit next time, Levi. You better have weed,” I told him, unlocking the bathroom stall, prepared to leave. He snapped his fingers behind me and I looked over my shoulder. “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I’m having a rave at my place next weekend. There’s gonna be more than enough weed to go around, so you should come if your parents let you off the leash.”  “I’ll look into it,” I replied before quickly leaving the bathroom, making my way back to Ramone. Levi bypassed me and left the locker room swiftly, as if nothing had happened. “What the hell were you talking to him about in there?” Ramone asked right away. I shrugged. “He’s having a party or something like that. I doubt I’ll go, he’s fucking crazy,” I told him. Maybe Levi was the Devil himself.

He ignored me and picked the cross up from the ground. “Place it back on the wall,” he told my mother, handing the cross to her before he turned his attention back to me. “Who gave you that mark, Joanna?” he asked calmly, so calm that it scared me. “Who have you been having sex with?” he added. I shook my head right away. “No one,” I told him, sniffing. “How could I have sex when you and Mama don’t even let me go anywhere?” I said back in a tone that was slick. A little bit of bravery was starting to appear in me. A short silence took over the room right before I felt the force of my father’s hand coming down against my face. The slap was so shard that it echoed off the walls and caused my mother to jump. I gasped from the sudden pain and immediately placed my hand on my cheek, feeling it sting under my touch. Never in my eighteen years of living had my father ever put his hands on me in any way. Why was all of this happening to me? I was too good of person to be feeling such pain, yet my father stood above me with no remorse or sympathy. After I snapped back to reality, the tears came flooding back and I was crying like a hysterical fool. “You don’t talk to me in that tone of voice, you hear?” he snapped, gripping the collar of my shirt and shaking me with every word he spoke. This had to be unreal. I couldn’t believe any of it. “What has gotten into you, lying to a man of God like this? Huh?!” His eyebrows furrowed into two angry lines and I didn’t answer him. I stayed quiet out of fear of saying something else stupid and being hit again. My mother stepped one foot forward. “Jeremiah-“ she began to speak, but all my father had to do was hold his hand up in her direction and she became quiet again. Was it possible that in that one second my mother had felt sorry for me? “Get up,” he said to me firmly, snatching me from the floor before I could even get up myself. He let my body go and I stood before him, never making eye contact. “Go to the bathroom, fill up the tub, and wait for me. I’m gonna wash that sin right out of you,” he informed me and I thought I was going to pass out right then and there. I had seen this same routine when Joel had went through it; my father had nearly drowned him. “Please…” I pleaded with him one more time, my legs shaking under my body. I wanted so badly to just push past him, run out of the front door, and keep going until my feet couldn’t carry me no more. But I knew doing that would be a risky move and would only make things worse. There just had to be some way that I could get out of this cruel punishment.  My father looked at me in return with so much disgust in his eyes. “I said go,” he spoke in a sharp retort and reluctantly, I turned on my heels and started towards the staircase, my legs feeling like liquid the whole time I walked. It felt as if I walking straight towards the gates of Hell, as if an invisible force was pushing me forward and I didn’t have the strength to stop and stand up for myself. It felt like Judgment Day so badly and the shakiness of my stomach made me feel as if I was going to throw up all over the expensive wooden floors beneath my feet. I took each white step one by one with fear now in control of my body. I tried to concentrate my mind on more positive things, but that task alone was impossible, seeing that I knew what was about to go down. Before I knew it, I was at the top of the stairs and walking in the direction of my bedroom. Maybe I would be more comfortable if the punishment was done in the comfort of my own bathroom. Joel must have heard my movements because his bedroom door popped open and he stuck his head out the door, looking at me with depressed eyes. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Joey. I’m sorry,” he told me in a whisper, his voice trembling. It was so weird to see him like this because he hardly showed any deep emotions, but I knew it was because of how much he loved me and how close we were. It probably felt as if he was being put through the same thing all over again. I opened my mouth to speak back, but I couldn’t form any words. There was nothing I could say in return to make things any better or calm myself. I shrugged with hot tears running down my cheeks before turning away from him, going into my room. I moved fast, afraid that my father would make my punishment worse if I moved too slowly. My feet padded across the bathroom floor before I took a seat on the edge of my porcelain tub, turning the hot water on and then the cold water to mix it in. It would suck to have to be cleansed in excruciatingly hot water. I let the water run for awhile as I stripped down to my bra and panties, not wanting to get completely naked for this. There was no way I would allow my father to see me in that way. Hearing heavy feet near my bedroom door, I immediately shut off the water and got into the tub, feeling completely embarrassed. The height of the water stopped right below my chest and even though the warmness of it calmed my nerves a bit, the reminder of what was to come made me shake all over again. I had never been a swimmer nor was I ever good at holding my breath. The fact that I occasionally smoked cigarettes didn’t help at all; I had picked up a smoker’s cough and my lungs weren’t perfectly healthy. Joel had survived this because he was a great swimmer and had been healthier than me. I was worried. From the corner of my eye, I saw my father walk into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. I sat there frozen, my breathing speeding up and my heart beating wildly. He took one knee beside the tub and stared at the side of my face, shaking his head in disappointment. He didn’t speak a single word of apology for what he was about to do to me, nor did he try to speak to me about the situation. My father was never the type to beat around the bush; when something had to be done, he wasted no time in doing it. Pressing one hand to my forehead, my father closed his eyes and I closed mine right along with him. It was best if I just cooperated. “Hear, Lord, the prayers we offer from contrite hearts. Have pity on us as we acknowledge our sins. Lead us back to the way of holiness. Protect us now and always from the wounds of sin. May we ever keep safe in all its fullness the gift your love once gave us and your mercy now restores. Amen.” Before I could even say ‘Amen’, his hand was pushing against my body and I soon found my face emerged underneath the warm water. My ears popped immediately and I could no longer hear anything around me, but my instinct kicked in, telling me to hold my breath. If you could see my tears under water, you would see that my face was full of them. I estimated in my head that he would only hold me under water for five seconds, but five seconds soon turned into ten, and then so on. I felt myself unable to hold my breath any longer, so I gripped my father’s arm trying to get up, but his strength held me down in the water. My eyes popped open right away and I stared up at the ceiling with shock before my eyes darted around the bathroom. He wasn’t going to let me up! He was purposely trying to drown me! I moved my body wildly in the water, gripping his skin between my nails in a panic as I struggled to get up. I felt my lungs feel up with water and my insides began to burn like crazy. I prayed that he wouldn’t kill me and as if my prayers had been answered, I was soon brought out of the water. I gasped for air and instantly began to cough, crying at the same time as if someone was trying to murder me. “Have you learned your lesson?” my father asked me in a stern voice as his eyes pierced my skin, as if he wanted to kill me. I nodded like crazy. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” I said over and over again, still gripping his arm. I don’t know what I said wrong, but once again, I was put back under water, panicking more than the first time. Was this really happening? I barely had time to recuperate and he was already putting me back under again. I squirmed under his hold, somewhat believing that maybe all of this was a dream and that my father wouldn’t hurt me like this intentionally. “DAD, STOP! YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS TO US!” I heard my brother’s voice yell from outside the bathroom door as he banged on it loudly. I guessed that it was locked because otherwise, Joel would have barged in. “LEAVE HER ALONE!” I could hear now that he was crying. At the same time, I thought I was slowly but surely dying under that water. I was brought back up again, gasping and coughing as before. “If you sin in this house ever again, your punishment will be worse than what happened today. You hear me?” I hoped that it was all over as I nodded. “Yes sir,” I said in return, still sobbing. With no more words, he got up from his knees and went towards the bathroom door, unlocking it and then snatching it open. I looked back to see Joel’s face and he started to come towards me, but was soon stopped by my father’s hand wrapping around his neck. “Don’t you ever get in the way of what I do, you demon child,” my father snapped at him and Joel put his hands up in a silent surrender, nodding under my father’s hold. He was just as afraid of him as I was. To be honest, I knew my father hated Joel. They could never get along. He was let go and my father went on about his business, leaving the room as if nothing had happened. My mother was nowhere to be found like always, but I didn’t care. All I wanted to do now was curl up into a ball and fade away slowly. Joel rushed to be by my side and he wasted no time in lifting me out of the tub, cradling me in his arms and getting his clothes wet at the same time. “I got you, Joey. You’re gonna be aight,” he told me in a soothing voice, carrying me out into my bedroom. The cold air hit my body and I hissed, burying my face into his shirt. There was nothing I could say; I was too much in shock. He placed me carefully on my bed and I almost panicked when he left my side to go out into the hallway, but he soon returned with towels in hand. He closed the door behind him and smartly locked it before he began drying off my body from head to toe, just like I had done when he had received the same treatment. I shivered and he continued to rub my body vigorously with the towels, warming me up inch by inch. He even took it upon himself to dress me in clothes that were comfortable enough to sleep in. The covers of my bed were peeled back and he slipped me under them, crawling in on the other side and wrapping his arms around my body. I cried against him and he shushed me, rocking me back and forth in his arms. “Jesus still loves you, Joey…I swear he does,” he said in a reassuring voice, somehow knowing that I was starting to lose my trust in Jesus. I was starting to think that he didn’t exist. I laid there in my brother’s arms, wondering if there was a way we could get out of this Hell. 

“YOU’VE BEEN LETTING ONE OF THEM LITTLE BOYS AT SCHOOL KISS ALL ON YOU, HAVEN’T YOU?” Her voice was so loud and it surprised the hell out of me. She had never spoken to me in this manner but then again, I had never been in any trouble to be talked to this way.  “Nobody!” I exclaimed, slowly backing away from her. I backed up too much because the back of my foot hit up against the bottom stair, causing me to fall flat on my butt. I probably looked so pitiful right now and my body shook with fear. Her eyes looked down on me with disappointment and anger. She took a lot of deep breaths before she looked up the stairs at Joel. “Who gave this to her?” she asked him, her voice more calm. I looked behind me, seeing the fear in Joel’s eyes also. “It’s just a scratch, Mama, like she said,” he told her. I was thankful that he didn’t confess. My mom shook her head furiously. “That ain’t no scratch, you two must take me for a fool.” Her fists were balled up at her sides, but I knew she wouldn’t hit me. My mom never got physically violent with us. “Get up,” she said, turning her attention back to me. She yanked me by my collar and dragged me behind her, going over to one of the bookcases and removing the medium-sized metal cross that hung above it. She then placed me right at the front door and I looked at her with confusion. “I want you to kneel in front of this door until your father gets home. And when he gets home, I want you to tell him about what you did today and I want you to show him that mark of sin on your neck, you hear me?” She roughly placed the cross in my hands and tears instantly came to my face. “Mama, please. I’m sorry,” I sobbed, my body shaking as I held the cross in my hand. Then like a ton of bricks, it all came piling down on me that I was about to do the Kneel of Sin. I had seen Joel go through this same procedure when he had gotten his ears pierced and again when he had marked his body up with those tattoos. The thought of my father getting home and doing to me what he had done to Joel…it made me just want to die. “I said kneel,” she hissed, getting in my face. I was crying so hard now that I could feel my cheeks becoming sore, but out of fear, I got down on the wooden floor by the front door, placing the cross in front of me. “You can’t do this her, Mama. It ain’t right,” Joel spoke up from the top of the stairs, his voice shaking. He was experiencing the same fright that I had experienced when I watched him go through this. “Go to your room, Joel,” she said back to him before turning her attention to me. “That is why I say to run from sexual sin. No other sin affects the body as this one does. When you sin this sin it is against your own body. What chapter and verse is that from?” She asked me and I knew what portion of the process this was. Just like she had done with Joel, she was going to recite bible verses based on my topic of sin and ask me to tell her where they came from. It was torture at its best. “First Corinthians, chapter six, verse thirteen,” I said through my sobs without a doubt in my mind. Unlike Joel, I was good when it came to reciting bible verses, so maybe this would go more smoothly for me. “She didn’t do nothing!” Joel still argued from the stairs and I was proud of his bravery. “You either go to your room, or you get down here and kneel with her. Choose one,” she snapped at him and there was a long silence before I heard him suck his teeth and then a door slam. He couldn’t argue with that one. Once again, her attention turned back on me. “You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Chapter and verse.” “James, chapter four, verses one through four.” My voice was raspy now and my head was bowed towards the floor.” “And remember, when someone wants to do wrong it is never God who is tempting him, for God never wants to do wrong and never tempts anyone else to do it. Temptation is the pull of man's own evil thoughts and wishes.” “James, chapter one, verse thirteen and fourteen…” This seemed to go on forever and my tears never stopped. My knees began to hurt from kneeling so long and as every minute passed, I became fearful of my father’s arrival. Soon, I heard the sound of a car door shutting right outside of the house. I scooted back in a sudden panic, only to have my mother pull my body right back to the door. And then the door unlocked.

“Nah.” My attitude was now nonchalant. “I didn’t mean to say what I said…” “Don’t lie. You meant all of it.” Silence, then sighing. “Okay, so I did. But you know I was speaking the truth.”  “Aight.” She knocked again and turned the door knob, still unable to get in. “Come on. I wanna smoke. Mom and Dad aren’t here so we have the opportunity,” she spoke softly, persuading the hell out of me. Her logic was on point this time around. I slowly got up and opened the door, glaring at her. “You got lucky.” She ignored my statement. “Almost forgot you had those tattoos.” She smirked. “Bet you don’t forget the time you snitched on me about them.” I picked my bag up from the ground and retrieved the weed, holding the bag carefully in my hand. “Let’s hurry up and get this over with before they get home. We have enough time to be high for at least an hour or two.” I walked into the bathroom that was in my room with Joey close on my heels. I could feel the aura of eagerness coming from her as I shut the door behind us. Grabbing a towel off the towel rack, I stuffed it under the door so that the fumes from the weed couldn’t slip under the door and get into my room. I always chose the bathroom as our smoking area because of the air vents that lead to outside. I could have chosen the backyard, but we had too many nosey neighbors around waiting for Joey and me to slip up and do something so they could gossip about it. Joey slid down the wall and sat on the floor and I did the same, placing myself beside her. It got quiet quick like always because the guilt that was both inside of us stopped us from speaking. I opened the cabinets under the sink and grabbed a lighter I had stashed there. The blunts were removed from the bag and I placed mine in my mouth first and lit it before taking one small pull. I swallowed the fumes and held them in my chest for awhile before I blew the smoke out in a circular shape. “I wish I could do that…” Joey finally spoke up right before I took the other blunt and placed it between her lips, lighting it for her. I was a little bit more experienced in this than she was. She couldn’t even light a lighter, yet I was the baby. Her pull was longer than mine and she also held the smoke in longer before blowing it out. I watched it disappear into the air vents and the smell of marijuana immediately took over the bathroom. “You waste no time in getting high, Ms. Perfect,” I teased her, casually taking another pull out of my blunt. “I’m not perfect. I don’t wanna be,” she said in return right before she blowed some smoke into my face. Instead of waving it away, I took it into my nose, closing my eyes in pleasure. All the stresses of life seemed to join that smoke and disappear down the air vents. I felt warmth on the inside and my fingers eagerly lit the lighter again and brought it up to my blunt. “Ain’t nobody perfect but Jesus.” “Don’t bring him up.” I chuckled. “Sorry. I forgot you hated him.” I tilted my head back and blew smoke out into the air.  “I don’t hate him. I just don’t think it’s right to talk about him right now, ya know?” “Mhm.” A half hour passed with us just smoking and carrying on pointless conversations. It seemed as if we were sitting inside of one big smoke cloud because my vision soon became hazy and I couldn’t see as clearly as before. When I stood up to place the lighter on the sink, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and saw how low my eyes were. “Come sit back down with me, Joel,” Joey begged as she tugged on my shirt and pulled me roughly back down to the ground. As I hit the tile, I erupted into sudden laughter and knew right away that I was high. The sound of her voice gave away that she was high also. I placed my head in her lap and looked up at her, smiling as if I had just won a million dollars. “You’re so needy of me, Joanna,” I slurred. “Don’t call me that shit,” she retorted, pinching my cheeks between her fingers trying to do harm, but I felt nothing painful. Instead it felt as if her fingers were freezing ice skates, skating across my hot face. “Don’t call me that shit,” I mimicked her and she laughed right along with me. Silence overcame us again and I looked at her, studying her face as I always did whenever we were too high to almost function. I studied every angle of her face, seeing how we had similarities but weren’t exactly alike, though we were twins. I had freckles on my face, but she had none and her eyes had a blue tint to them, while mine were just light brown. I had more of my father’s genes while she had our mothers. “Why are we sinners, Joel?” she asked out of nowhere and I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “I don’t know and I don’t care.” “But everyone sins right? Not just us. I’m pretty sure there’s someone out there smoking weed right now…” “Probably.” I closed my eyes again, tired of speaking. I wouldn’t allow her to ruin my high. “Kiss me, Joel,” she spoke softly, a little bit above a whisper. With my eyes still closed, I slowly sat up and navigated her neck with my hands, caressing it softly right before I pressed my lips to hers, sinking into a feeling of euphoria. Satan was working in this room.

We were the preacher’s kids. That’s what everyone at school called us, that’s what everyone at church definitely called us, and that’s what the community labeled us as. Every move we made and every word we spoke was watched and observed. If we slipped up, it made a sinful person feel good about themselves and it embarrassed our father. That’s why slip ups weren’t a normal thing with us and we tried our best to avoid anything associated with sin. We never attended any of the high school parties, didn’t indulge ourselves in any music unless it was from the Gospel genre, and we tried our best to stray away from any crowd who didn’t have Jesus as their main thought. If you were to look up the word ‘perfect’ in the dictionary, our faces would indeed be beside it. “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours, now and forever. Amen…”  I lifted my head up slowly and opened my eyes, staring right into my father’s. My brother did the same on the other side of me, brushing his hand against mine to let me know that he was still there. I glanced over at him and gave him a small smile, right before turning my attention back to my father. He gave the both of us a proud smile before he marked our foreheads with oil, creating the traditional cross with his fingers. This was something that was done to me and my twin brother every Sunday in front of the congregation of my father’s church. We were the examples set for the other teenagers; we were our father’s trophies. “May the blood of Jesus Christ, Our Savior, be with you wherever you are,” my father said to the both of us, his voice feeling the sanctuary as he spoke into the microphone. His face was magnified on two big screens at the front of the church, so not only could people sitting in the back of the sanctuary could see, but so could the people at home watching online. If you haven’t guessed it by now, my father was the preacher of a “mega church.” He reached out to people in over ten different states and a select few countries.  He nodded his head at us, silently instructing us to go back to our seats and we did in almost a synchronized manner. I smiled that same fake smile that I put on every Sunday, showing people that I was a happy little Christian girl. My brother did the same. We were both far from happy though. We took our seats back beside our mother and she gave us both that same wink of approval as always. I gave her a small smile just as my father began his sermon. Everything after that sounded like gibberish. They say your ears only hear what they want to…well, my ears were going to miss out on the whole service. When I think of the direction my life has gone in, I can’t help but to frown. You would think that I was happy seeing that my father was the owner of a mega church that raked in thousands of dollars each service from offering alone, which meant that we were an extremely wealthy family. I would say that your assumption was wrong because to be quite honest, I’m not happy. I can’t really speak for my brother, Joel, because I never know what he’s thinking these days, but I can speak for myself and say that I’m miserable. It’s not easy being eighteen years old and not being able to do normal young adult things, such as seeing late night movies with my girls or getting all dolled up with them to attend a party or the club. It’s no fun being on close watch every second, every minute, and every hour of your life. I’m eighteen, yet I feel like I’m six. “Joey, get up. It’s time for the final prayer,” Joel whispered from beside me, tugging my arm as I sat there like a boulder, too zoned out to realize that the service was almost done. Had I zoned out that long? I shook myself from my darkest thoughts and stood up, smoothing out my peach colored skirt. Joel gave me a quick look of confusion right before he bowed his head. I didn’t bow my head until I heard my father speak into the microphone again. With my eyes closed, I thought about everything but God. Instead, I thought about ways that I could possibly escape my lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be accepted into Heaven when it was my time just like everyone else, but I was getting tired of spending seven days of the week worshipping and praying when I barely even made time for myself. I could hear people mumbling their small praises of agreement as they listened to my father’s words and I momentarily opened my eyes to see my brother impatiently drumming his fingers against the pew in front of us. There was only so much he could take, just like me. “Let the church say Amen.” “Amen.” Sighing, I lifted my head and wasted no time in starting towards the nearest exit. “Joanna, aren’t you going to stay for awhile and greet the first time visitors with me?” My mother’s voice asked from behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see her standing there with Joel. “You know I would love to, mom, but I’m just not up for it today. My stomach is cramping really bad, so I think I’m gonna go sit in the car.” I frowned slightly and held my stomach for extra emphasis. My mother shook her head. “I keep telling you to take medicine before you come to church when you’re on your cycle. Go ahead and sit in the car then. Joel, you go keep your sister company,” she spoke with a little bit of sympathy in her voice, handing Joel the extra pair of car keys she had to my father’s truck. Joel nodded eagerly, most likely happy that he wouldn’t have to stand back and greet those first time visitors. It was the same routine every Sunday, where we had to stay back and talk to the people who made their first visits to my father’s church. Then right after, my mom would leave without my father because he always had to stay back and take care of last minute business. It was her duty to make sure dinner was ready and on the table when he got home. “You the best damn liar I know, Joey,” Joel said with a chuckle when we were out of my mother’s sight and heading out into the hot, California sun. “Don’t cuss on the Lord’s property,” I said back to him, having to look up at his tall stature. He scoffed. “Since when did you become such a saint?” he retorted, nudging me in the side with his elbow. “You just got done lying to mama back there. You know you ain’t cramping.” I shrugged and looked around, easily navigating my father’s all white Range Rover parked in his reserved spot. “Everybody tells a fib every once and awhile, Joel. Just ‘cause we’re the pastor’s kid’s doesn’t mean that we can’t lie.” I shot him a sneaky grin and stood by the car, waiting for him to unlock it.  “Well if that’s the case, then I got every right to cuss, Joanna.” “My name is Joey, mothafucka,” I shot back, glaring at him before I pinched him with my fingers. He hissed and pushed me away before finally unlocking those doors so we could both get in the backseat of the car.  “Don’t cuss on the Lord’s property,” Joel said back, clearly mocking me. I sucked my teeth and began to remove my clip on earrings that my mom always made me wear since I wasn’t allowed to get my ears pierced. I didn’t think it was fair at all that Joel had his ears pierced, but then again, he had gone and got it done without our parent’s permission. That was two years ago and he still gets fussed at for it. If you were to look at his arms, you would see tattoos. I wonder why my parents favored me more over him? Ignoring his teasing, I tossed the earrings into the cup holder in front of me. “Did you bring the stuff?” I asked, feeling that emotion of guilt wash over me like it always did whenever I asked him that question.  Joel bit his lip and looked away from me, glancing out the window beside him. “We can’t keep doing this on church grounds, Joey. This shit ain’t right…” “Did you bring it?” I hassled him, leaning up so I could get a better look of his face. His leg began to nervously bounce up and down. “Yeah…” “Since you’re so worried about doing it on church grounds, why do you bring it with you every Sunday?” I furrowed my eyebrows out of confusion. He was the most complicated person I had ever come across. He sighed. “Because I know you’re gonna ask, Joey. You depend on this shit.” “You do too!” “Yeah, but not more than you. That’s probably what you think about in church, huh? Coming out to dad’s car so you can get a quick fix…” Joel paused to look around, checking to see if anyone was watching. “Whatever, Joel. Just give it to me,” I demanded, reaching towards the pockets of his jackets. He snatched away and backed away from me before finally deciding just to pull it out of his pocket. My eyes lit up as I looked before me and saw the Ziploc bag full of cocaine: the one thing that made me feel alive in my world of bleakness.