never lose control

after another rather miserable failed attempt at clasping the last roller with a piece of her hand , lily throws the plastic onto her bed before she rushes out of her bedroom . ❝ bloody hell , i am coming ! ❞ she calls out to remus in exasperation , whom had knocked once or twice since his arrival and she couldn't in her right mind stop what she was doing to answer the door . since she'd awoken she had been tense , muscles rigid with nerves . why was she so worked up over something so small ? she'd hung with james plenty , but there loomed the same lingering thought . so the door is opened hurriedly , lily already moving back to her bedroom knowing that remus would follow behind her since there had been many times that he had been a guest here . ❝ i still cannot believe you convinced yourself to go to the ball , remus . ❞ lily says with a short laugh , sitting herself back onto the chair that she had sat in front of the tall floor mirror in her bedroom so she could try for the fifth time to get the last roller to hold the larger strand of hair . but before she's directing her hands to manipulate the hair , her eyes catch remus in the reflection . ❝ you aren't wearing that to the yuletide ball , right ? ❞

social events and remus lupin in the same sentence were never a good combination, often a harbinger of trouble down the line. yet, of late, he’d become strangely accustomed to the idea that there were, in fact, worse things than that. like a date. he wasn’t sure if that was exactly the phrase lily had used to imply she was going out with james, but to remus, it certainly seemed to fit the bill. and it was one of the reasons he found himself here now, persistently ringing the doorbell. he needed details. he parted his lips to greet his friend, but the words barely had a chance to leave before she was already out of sight. his eyebrows rose in quiet understanding, a small, invisible nod to himself, before he closed the door behind him and followed her up the stairs. “ pettigrew is more persuasive than he looks, ” he replied in defence, casually leaning against the doorframe as he watched the witch finish fixing her hair. “ well—it's clothes, it serves its purpose, right? ” remus never dressed much more than something relatively formal for these sorts of events, which didn’t stray far from his daily attire. sometimes he'd add a tie or polished shoes, but that was about it. “ let me help with that. ” he said, noticing she was struggling with a stubborn lock of hair, stepping closer to lend a hand. “ you’re a bit tense—are you nervous, lils? ” he asked, an inevitable, mischievous smile curving his lips.

this wasn't the life that he grew up in, and now after talking with his father it felt like he had made a mistake. and he didn't know how his friends would react with the fact that peter was now sort of letting the man back into his life. he's leaning against one of the walls looking out for florence or his father, or hell, even vespera at this point since they seemed to get along. he had been surprised that remus had come. he didn't think that he would. "because you're my best friend and you love me?" he says with a smirk, shaking his head. "because i don't want to have to face my father alone? and what a better person to face him with than with a werewolf." he says the last part quietly. "alright, jesus christ," he says, before the floating tray went passed them and of course remus grabbed the last two. "don't be an arse, moony." he reaches out and grabs one and sticks his face in it before remus can even have the moment to grab it back. he diligently flips remus off with his finger as he takes another drink, holding it against his glass. "let's go see what mischief we can get up to in here. this might be our only opportunity."

a contained smile was visible on his face, reserved, as if he’d been holding back the urge to burst into laughter. “ you're a right manipulative git, aren’t you, wormtail? ” he mocked, rolling his eyes with amusement. and although his tone had been playful, he knew exactly what he had agreed to. he wasn’t about to leave peter alone at a moment like that. his brow furrowed slightly when the wolf had been mentioned. “ yeah, well—you know you don’t need a full moon for me to show my claws and teeth for you, pete. ” a smile, almost too charming, carved his features. “ and how the hell am i meant to get pissed like this, pettigrew? ” he admitted, despite everything, he was a bit grumpy. and it had nothing to do with the full moon. it was probably the bloody social event he still couldn’t quite wrap his head around. he brought the glass to his lips, taking a larger gulp than expected. “ oh please, yes, we’ll never be in the malfoy manor again, ” he adds, walking close to peter to avoid some relatively familiar faces. “ it reminds me of when we were at hogwarts—specifically the yule ball. ” he mentioned, taking another sip of his drink. “ i remember fancying a bloke from the fourth year—or was it the fifth? it was awful seeing him turn up with his girlfriend at the dance, but... ” he paused, then a cheeky grin spread across his lips. “ i ended up snogging him by the end of the night. ”

sometimes words weren’t necessary between them to know what was going on in each other’s heads. he had the same connection with james and peter. for remus, who was also quite observant, it was even easier to read looks and gestures. his green eyes followed sirius’s grey ones until they landed on the bandage around his wrist. the corner of his lips curved into something resembling a smile before he spoke. " woke up with my wrist broken the day after the full moon. not sure what happened—sometimes i miss hanging out with you lot like we used to at hogwarts. but—i get that you’re all busy. " he also knew that, if he asked, any of them would come to keep him company, but he didn’t want to disrupt their routines like that. the past three years had been enough. " anyway, i went to see peter to have it checked out, " he decided to leave out the new scratches now marking his back. it wasn’t something pleasant for any of them to hear. " and it’s all good now. " he sighed, shaking his head. " yeah, that’s a possibility too, " he shrugged lazily, still aching from the consequences that came with the new missions for remus. " me? oh—no, nothing. don’t think they’d be interested in my… human side. " he rolled his eyes with a hint of amusement on his face. they’d probably have approached him if it was a different time of the month. " but i appreciate it. the interrogations... they put me in a foul mood. you usually don’t get anywhere with them unless you’ve got proof—and as far as i know... there’s nothing. " but maybe he didn’t know everything. it wasn’t like they’d be handing any info over to him. "anyway—do you happen to have a cigarette, pads? left mine at home. "

when remus wanted to meet up it had surprised her, mostly knowing because of what he was currently going through. it must have been hard, having to deal with being a werewolf, which was a sentence she couldn't even begin to understand as a muggleborn. sometimes, coming into this wixen world, was a lot. she still felt like she didn't completely understand what was going on, but that empathy was what kept her here. with what was currently going on in her world was a lot. she knew that she could never talk about it with her family. it made it so isolating. which, in turn, made her even more worried for remus. so when she sees him she can't help but wrap her arms around him for a moment. "you look like shit, babe." she says with a small smile, running her hands through his hair once before finally sitting down. "yes they did," she sighs, leaning back in her chair. "but there wasn't much that i could tell them," she shrugs. most of her night had been with either barty or standing by the doors near the exit. she felt bad for not being able to tell the aurors more than that. "well, i believe most aurors are corrupt." she says with a shrug, of course there was james potter, frank longbottom, or hell even alice fortescue who was decent, but mary was raised to believe the opposite. she didn't trust many people. "here," she says, quickly sliding him a pain and sleep potion under the table. "i brewed these for you." she says quietly. it wasn't often that mary brewed something, but she always would for remus.

he struggled to keep his more human side in check, but with the full moon just a day away, his more feral instincts ruled his every move. his green eyes locked onto the others when he heard the first remark. “ yeah, well, i feel like absolute shit too, sweetheart, ” he said, savouring the irony in every word. his sharp tongue was always the first to lash out when the cycle loomed closer—and the first thing he tried to bite back. he hated the person he became around this time, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. “ sorry, mary—i know i shouldn’t be here today, ” he began, letting out a heavy sigh. these were the days he preferred to spend locked away, with as little human contact as possible. “ but i wanted to see you after everything that’s been going on. ” he shrugged. “ the aurors? corrupt? pff, the whole bloody ministry’s corrupt. and that’s both worlds, unfortunately. fucking hell, i can’t stand politicians, ” he muttered, the same rough tone from before, though the tension in his features eased slightly with the sip of coffee he took. this time, however, he didn’t bother to apologise for the bitterness lacing his voice. when he finished his sandwich, he raised a hand to order another, then shifted his gaze to meet the other witch’s before finally settling on the vials she handed him. “ huh? ” he took them between his fingers, his smile tugging slightly wider. “ cheers, mary, really appreciate it. ” and then, guilt crept in for bringing the mood down the way he had. “ what’s the limit on these pain potions, by the way? took one this morning, but—today and tomorrow are gonna be a fucking nightmare. ”

BEFORE SUNRISE (1995) dir. Richard Linklater

shawna  raises  a  brow  at  his  define  appealing  comment,  already  clocking  the  doubt  in  his  tone.  ❝  oh,  come  on,  lupin,  live  a  little,  ❞  she  teases,  nudging  his  arm.  ❝  i  know  you’re  allergic  to  fun,  but  i  promise,  it  won’t  kill  you.  ❞  but  then  he  grins,  throwing  out  that  you  really  do  hate  me,  don’t  you  ?  and  she  rolls  her  eyes,  though  there’s  no  real  heat  behind  it.  ❝  please,  ❞  she  scoffs,  leaning  back  in  her  seat.  ❝  if  i  hated  you,  you’d  know  it.  ❞  she  smirks  before  adding,  ❝  i  just  find  great  joy  in  making  your  life  difficult.  it’s  a  hobby,  really.  keeps  me  sharp.  ❞ his  admission  about  the  foam  finger  makes  her  pause,  blinking  at  him  before  breaking  into  a  slow,  delighted  grin.  ❝  you  say  that  like  i  won’t  hold  you  to  it.  ❞  she  leans  forward  again,  all  mock-seriousness.  ❝  just  imagine  it.  you,  in  the  stands,  decked  out  in  wasps  merch,  giant  foam  finger  and  all.  cheering  my  name.  maybe  even  shedding  a  single,  proud  tear  when  i  make  the  winning  goal.  ❞  she  sighs  dramatically,  placing  a  hand  over  her  heart.  ❝  it’ll  be  beautiful.  ❞  if  only  she'd  be  up  to  play,  and  then  play  well  enough  to  score  an  actual  goal.  maybe  all  this  talk  was  more  of  a  dream  for  her  to  imagine  than  something  for  him. when  he  finally  starts  considering  the  deep  cuts,  she  props  her  chin  on  her  hand,  watching  him  closely.  she  knows  enough  how  he  is  —  knows  that  some  stories,  especially  ones  from  back  in  the day,  are  harder  for  anyone  to  tell.  but  when  he  admits  he  doesn’t  even  know  all  of  them,  she  tilts  her  head,  thoughtful.  ❝  yeah,  well,  that  tracks,  ❞  she  muses.  ❝  i  feel  likes  james  can  be  the  worst  when  it  comes  to  secrets.  probably  took  half  of  them  to  the  grave  just  for  the  fun  of  it.  ❞  she  wasn't  sure  about  sirius,  or  even  their  other  friend,  peter,  but  if  they  were  anything  like  remus  and  james,  she  was  sure  the  stories  were  endless. she  takes  a  pause  to  finish  her  drink,  and  then  he  says  that.  her  glass  hits  the  table  a  little  too  hard  as  she  stares  at  him,  eyes  wide.  ❝  …  sorry.  run  that  back.  ❞  her  lips  part  into  a  slow,  almost  incredulous  smile.  breaking  into  hogwarts  ?  that’s  what  he’s  leading  with  ?  ❝  oh,  you  absolute  menace.  you  can’t  just  dangle  something  like  that  in  front  of  me  and  expect  me  not  to  take  the  bait.  ❞  she  leans  forward,  elbows  on  the  bar,  eyes  glinting  with  something  between  amusement  and  intrigue.  ❝  you  do  realize  who  you’re  talking  to,  yeah  ?  breaking  into  hogwarts  is  practically  a  bucket  list  item  at  this  point.  is  the  secret  way  to  get  there  nearby  ?  ❞

@amcrtentias ft. 𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 & 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐖𝐍𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐁𝐌𝐀𝐍

At the mention of money, James waves a dismissive hand, it never having occurred to them to ask Remus to contribute to the bills in the first place. “Honestly, mate - and I’m about to sound like a massive bellend, so bear with me - but I don’t really need your money. I mean, I’m not exactly hard-up for cash, and I’ve been affording the place on my own all this time, haven’t I?” They say, their tone carrying enough good humour to counteract just how gentle their smile has become. James doesn’t mean to insult him, or imply that he’s incapable of paying his way, but they hope Remus will see the logic in their offer - after all, there’s only one heir to the Sleekeazy fortune, and they’re sitting directly opposite him with money to burn. “You can kick in something if that’s what you need to do to feel comfortable, or whatever, but I’m never going to ask you for anything, okay? You could save your paycheck, or blow it all on books and muffins, whatever you want.”

“ we’re keeping the same rules as hogwarts, yeah? if you invite someone over… let me know. and cast the silencing charms—please don’t forget the silencing charms. ” his voice was serious, but his expression wasn’t. “ and i’ll be inviting lily over. at least once a week—i’ll let you know in advance so you can dress appropriately, ” he added, his tone teasing as he took another sip of coffee.

lily had almost taken the bait set by remus , the dealt wounds on her psyche still engorged by the phantom that haunted the muggleborn's dreams night after night . she'd been interrogated just like everyone else had been , but why did it feel like lily evans had let everyone down that night ? the hospital was filled with anti-apparition wards ( as per usual ) so her own eyes would have watched the person set foot onto the grounds and most likely , she would have seen them leave too . every face she could draw from her memories were as insignificant as the other - ❝ no , definitely not . ❞ she replies with a shake of her head , saying the whole truth to her close friend . if lily had allowed herself a moment of stillness again , it would break whatever fragile happiness she had now . but remus touched her hand with a gentleness that felt so foreign , yet needed in that moment . it brimmed with the same endearment that she once held for petunia , and while the absence of her sister's love left a permanent scar on lily , remus lupin had somehow placed himself into her life and left nothing for her to miss most days . ❝ being busy is good for me , i promise . ❞ she says sincerely , doing her absolute best to convince the other that she would ( eventually ) be fine once more . the last time she had conceded to someone to take a beat , lily evans had accidentally fallen asleep on james potter's couch for the entire night . in hindsight , not the worst thing to do but it was not the kind of coping mechanism that the female could use once again . ❝ as if i would have ever let you rent an apartment near knockturn , ❞ lily says with a playful swat of her hand . ❝ i would have had a proper talking with rosie , and i am sure the both of us would prefer you as a third roommate than you out there alone . ❞ lily would have even taken the couch in the living to accommodate remus . ❝ but this will be good for the both of you . ❞ lily musters a smile, averting her gaze too at the preoccupation about the wix with glasses , who was most likely buried under a mountain of papers . but lily is taken from her thoughts at his next question, already pushing herself away from the counter to summon the enchanted chest that was several meteres away . ❝ of course i do , ❞ she says matter-of-factly , obtaining two vails from different compartments and placing them between the pair . ❝ one's strong enough to numb it a bit , but the other will make you a tad drowsy so i'd advise you to take it once you've made it home . no need to accidentally splinch yourself cause you're too tired - ❞ she jokes lightly , eyes fixed on him . ❝ everything alright with you , then ? ❞

remus wasn’t the type of person to push or pressure others into expressing their thoughts, let alone their feelings. he simply played the role of the listener when someone needed him, leaving that message subtly woven into the conversation. like the small smile he now offered his friend, one that, though bordering on shy, was genuine. or the warm touch he occasionally allowed himself to give her soft skin, a gesture as simple as it was kind. “ lils, ” he breathed lightly, tilting his face ever so slightly to the side, his greenish eyes fixed on hers of a similar shade. “ you know you can tell me anything, right? anything, whenever you want, at any time—i’ll always be here to listen. ” he didn’t want it to seem like there were only certain moments to talk. remus would always be available for her. he then seized the chance to change the subject, giving lily the space she needed to process whatever was going on. a reserved curve of his lips softened his expression. “ hm, well, it was close to work—i've been working there for so many months now that it doesn't seem that bad. ” part of him had grown used to repeating that, not wanting to worry his friends, though over time he had truly learned to ignore the little details of the place. “ besides, sometimes you overhear some rather interesting conversations, ” he admitted, a playful glint in his eyes. “ now that you mention it, living with you and rosie sounds lovely—far better than living with a bloke, i’d say. ” he narrowed his eyes for a moment, but before long, an amused smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “ though i’m so used to living with james—and if i have to annoy someone with my grumpy humour just before the full moon, i’d rather it be them than you two. ” either way, he could say his three closest friends were used to living with those mood swings. and then he didn’t take long to slowly nod, his expression becoming more cautious. “ i think so too—i’ve seen them… tired lately. i know we’re all tired, but… i feel like it’s different for them. i wish they’d worry a little less about everything, so it didn’t affect them so much, but… then, they wouldn’t be james. ” he subtly raised his shoulders, shrugging in a gesture of understanding. “ i’ll need to see you over there more often then, yeah? also, i’ll need you as backup to help explain to james how muggle appliances work. ” he smiled appreciatively at the explanation of the vails, taking the one he was meant to take at that moment. if he didn’t, he’d probably mix them up later. when lily asked one last question, remus debated whether it was right to mention his conversation with dumbledore just then. he obviously didn’t want to worry her, but if he didn’t talk to her, he’d feel like he was lying. “ lils—i think i need to tell you something. ” with a graceful flick of his wand, he locked the door so no one could enter and interrupt, and just in case, muttered, “ muffliato. ”

Just as she’s making progress towards the help desk, a particularly overeager wizard pushes in front of her, catching her with his elbow and sending her pile of brightly coloured envelopes scattering all over the floor. “Hey!” She exclaims indignantly, already getting to her knees to try and collect them back up before they get completely trampled underfoot (with no regard for her own potential to meet the same fate), “Fae the love of Morgana, I thought ye English were supposed tae be good at queuing.”

he could have asked one of his friends for an owl to send a couple of letters, but remus felt like they were already doing too much for him to keep bothering them. besides, it wasn’t exactly a hassle to go to the post office himself and send the letters he needed to. he understood they had to reach wales, but he wasn’t sure how the owl system worked for such long trips. wasn’t it too much for a bird? he couldn’t help but wonder as his feet hit the post office floor, and the familiar scent of the place hit his nose. and, to make matters worse, it was absolutely packed with people. he looked around, seriously considering just sending the letters after christmas, but he’d come all this way, and it felt morally wrong to back out now. he shuffled to the correct counter, when suddenly, he felt a shove to his side. he tracked the unfamiliar figure with his eyes for a fraction of a second before hearing a familiar voice next to him. " rosie? " he called, cautiously moving closer to kneel beside her and help pick up the scattered letters. " i don’t know who made you believe that lie—i'm pretty sure it’s not just tea they drink at breakfast, " he warned, his dry tone showing off the characteristic sharpness of remus’s humour. " here, " he offered the letters, lifting the corner of his mouth just slightly to give her a small smile. " are you trying to steal the job from the owls, or do you just have a lot of friends? " he asked with a teasing grin as he noticed the pile of envelopes she was carrying. they might not have been that many, but to remus, more than two was practically a mountain.

— Elizabeth Strout, My Name Is Lucy Barton (via wordsnquotes)

peter was running ragged, it felt like. it was never anything he couldn't handle but it was tiring being in this profession. he had gotten very little sleep and most of the time he was at the hospital more than he was in his own flat that he shared with melis. he had barely seen her it seemed like. when he gets a new case he looks at the chart before realizing the name and he jumps to their bed, opening up the curtain to see the other. he never liked seeing his friends here, but with all of his friends line of work it didn't surprise him. but seeing remus? he didn't know what to think. "how did you break your wrist?" peter asks, he usually had more tact, but he's known remus for so long he just gets straight to the point. he puts the chart down and grabs his wand, holding remus' wrist delicately in his hands and looks at the bruising before doing a diagnostic charm for any other damage. he frowns looking at it, he grabs a pain and numbing potion off the crash cart and holds it out for remus. "take these," he says, "and then take a deep breath for me, you shouldn't feel it too much but i'm about to put your wrist back in place." he holds his wrist delicately, his wand in his hand sturdy before he says the incantation quietly before it snaps back into place. "this is going to hurt for a while. even if prescribe you a pain potion." he says quietly. "what happened, remus?"

the last thing he wanted was to bother peter. or any of his friends, really… or people in general. god. remus could probably live on a deserted island just to avoid feeling like a burden to anyone. but here he was, in the hospital, bothering peter. his brows knitted together as the other wizard moved closer to treat his broken wrist—not out of pain, but because this wasn’t exactly what he had asked for. “ bandages would’ve been fine, you didn’t have to— ” he cut himself off, the sharp pain forcing him into silence. sometimes, letting his friends take care of him was difficult. but they couldn’t blame him for that. no one had ever really cared about him for the first sixteen years of his life. “ thanks, pete. ” his voice softened as his gaze met peter’s, and that’s when he saw it—genuine concern. he had to choose his words carefully, say just enough without giving too much away. “ a hippogriff or—maybe another wolf, no idea— ” he admitted, which was only partially a lie. “ i don’t have you lot every month anymore to tell me what happens during the night, ” he added with a small, genuine smile. “ the wolf must’ve decided to go exploring. i woke up somewhere i’d never been before. ” that, at least, was true. part of the plan had been to seek out the pack. he didn’t feel well. and not just because of the terrible night he’d had. his skin was paler than usual, fresh scratches marked his face, and the rest of his body bore wounds he’d rather not let peter see. but more than that, he felt sick with the weight of the secret he had to keep from them. “ i’m not sure what happened, wormy, i just… ” he hesitated, lips twisting into a grimace as pain rippled through his arm. “ could you not tell james i was here? he’s got enough on his plate already, with work, the radio leaks… everything else. ” he exhaled, glancing away. he hated making them worry. “ what time’s your shift over? ” he asked, maybe just to change the subject.