Rando thoughts by Reuben

I feel like there needs to be a Doug the Bounty Hunter who is highly apologetic, wears flannel, and always eats Tim Hortons.

I don't know if dating would work for me. If I were going to date someone I would probably get to know people in a biker bar and then be as white as possible so I can take someone to the biker bar and know everyone's name.

I've been trying online dating lately and is it just me or are all women interested in hiking, staying inside, knowing their star sign, and being near water. Be creative ladies! You could be a licensed owl wrangler who herds corgis or a full time low tier demon summoner. Instead your all trying to be a spiritual guru with a side of enjoying outdoor adventures.

I just thought of a way to explain to people how I can describe to people why I can't remember words or people sometimes. Remember back in the day when libraries had card catalogs to help you find books but is was kinda inefficient and took a while? It's kinda like that.

I feel like if a crime is crazy enough, there should be a rule that the person should be allowed to get away. Like if a person robbed a bank in a cartoonish costume with a black bandanna over his eyes, had henchmen who were dressed in the same theme as them, had a car that was some ludicrous shape like a cake, and a Snidely Whiplash mustache was robbing a bank and shouted some cartoonish thing like " You'll never catch me coppahs!" The police should allow that person to get away simply because it would be kinda sad to arrest them after all the prep they had done.

I wish I had the guts to do it but I want to be the guy that's in the movies that is on the street corner shouting crazy sh!t at people like "This world isn't real it's all a fabrication to trick your minds!" Except I want to wear a carrot costume and get paid by people to show up at funerals or to give motivational speeches to children.

I'm not saying whether the bikini barista stands in the Seattle area are good or bad but it is a little troubling that libido is being tied to our coffee addiction.

I often think ridiculous things like I feel like all parents could be Pod People. You see them walking around often dragging small children by the wrist; they're not even walking just being dragged. And the parents always have one of two looks on their faces like dads are always either confused or angry and moms always have some exhausted or dead eyed stare. The worst is when they talk to you and they only reply in monotone one to three word phrases like: "Join us" , "happy", "have children too". When I meet parents like this I always feel like I should be looking behind me making sure some pod person dad isn't trying to sneak up on me and infect me with a papoose.