Raz

Dear (old) best friend,

I can’t think of any other way to start this than by saying I’m sorry. I’ve said it so many times. Over and over.. I know it’s late. I know it probably doesn’t matter anymore. You’re probably tired of hearing it. But. I am. I’m sorry... every day is a new day. Everyday we make new decisions, we take different paths. Every day we forget, we forgive, we remember, and we hold grudges. Everyday I think of you. I wonder of what you’re doing. How you’re doing. What great things have been going on. And everyday I don’t get those answers. But I don’t expect them either. I don’t expect anything. I’m the one that’s still trying to let go, even though it’s been so many months. I know you’re happy now and I’m so glad. I don’t need you. And you don’t need me. But I love you. And I always will. I will love you from afar because I know I hurt you. Everyone said I did the right thing. But everyday I wonder if I really did. I could have done something else. I could have picked a different path. I should have. I should have talked to you first. I should have told you how I felt. In some ways I acted immature. I started holding a grudge because we started talking less. I started holding a grudge because I felt like you were pushing me away. I started holding a grudge because I felt like... I just wasn’t your bestfriend anymore. And now I’m really not. I know I can’t fix things. I’m not trying to fix things. I wish I could. I wish I could take everything back but, it’s too late.

I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to lose you.. I did what I did because I truly believed something just wasn’t right. I didn’t do what I did because I was upset with you or because I had a grudge on you. I did what I did because I was honestly so worried about you.. and isn’t that what best friends do? I did what I did because I thought to myself “I’d rather say something to someone and have you hate me than be the friend who said nothing have you go down a bad path”. I did what I did because.. I do love you.

I know. I wasn’t always the greatest friend. We got in fights. We disagreed. We got mad eachother. And I did a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. And that’s not your fault. Having friends has always been hard for me. Being me has always been hard for me... since our friendship has ended I’ve changed so so much. I’m not as blind as I was before. I’m still damaged. I’m still flawed. I still have a lot of things to work on. But I know the things I did. I know the good and bad decisions I made. But we’re human. And that’s okay.

I wish you the best of luck in life. I hope that you’re happy. I hope that you’re doing well. I hope that whoever is your new best friend treats you amazingly because you are amazing. I hope that when you have bad days you have someone there to take your hand pull you up. I hope that you don’t forget our good times. Because despite the bad things that happened, we had some really amazing and hilarious moments together..

I hope that you’re making new and amazing moments.

I will always be here for you. You are never alone. If you ever see this. If you ever need someone.. if you’re ever in a dark place. I hope you can push aside the bad things that happen and message me because I still want to be here for you. I still want to help you.

I love you,