raychu

If i don’t get this out of my head i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep tonight and wake up at 5am for my opening shift ... and this could just be me overthinking or over-analyzing but it’s on my mind and i thought it would be best to let you know.

I’m not angry at you or upset or anything. I’m just a little sad? I was really looking forward to getting nuggies with you, even if you were not planning on getting anything to save money. I thought it would be a nice to see you after work and just chat about your day and my day and whatnot. But then I saw your message saying you were going to Chipotle and biking -- which is completely okay if it wasn’t for the fact that I interpreted it as you’d rather eat with whoever it is you’re eating with and go biking instead of chilling with me for a bit like you said you would. I don’t know if you actually got anything at Chipotle or not (to save money) but i had planned on treating you to nuggies. So that’s where the majority of my sadness(?) comes from. To me, it felt like you chose friends over me and i know that’s probably far from your intentions but that’s just what it felt like with the way we communicated or whatever. I know how much your friendships mean to you and I would never say “no” to you wanting to hang out with your friends -- that’s not the kind of person I want to be and that’s just not in my nature. I guess i’m just wondering if you thought of how i would have reacted given you had already agreed to meet me for nuggies. Regardless of whether or not you decide to buy dinner, i think i wouldn’t have thought too much of it if you had asked if you could do a raincheck and we can grab nuggies together some other day because you wanted to bike with friends ... i don’t know. 

but this brings up another point that i’ve been holding back from saying because i don’t want it to be a big deal and whatnot ... but from my perspective whenever you hang out with Tony or Zuber or Jeff (disclaimer: not pinning blame on them, just an observation) you start lacking consideration and sympathy. And i get it -- you guys joke around a lot and like to have fun and make lighthearted jabs and be carefree and that’s 100% okay with me. As someone who usually observes your interactions with others from the side, i notice that you’re quick to make judgement and you’re thoughts don’t extend to factor in how other who might be involved with whatever you’re doing my think or feel. An example would be today when I went through my shift feeling like I wasn’t worth having a short dinner with. Another example would be when we went swimming and you asked for a back/butt massage. Maybe i wasn’t comfortable with doing that in such a public setting (I wasn’t but i’m just saying that to prove a point). If i had firmly refused, i would expect that you would say something to Tony and Jeff and be disappointed and point out how Vanessa does it for Tony or whatever and then I’d feel pretty shitty. 

there are other small things here and there that bothered me but i never thought worth bringing up because i don’t want to get between you and your few weeks left up here in Davis with your friends. i don’t want to be an obligation that takes you away from what you want to do. you know i support pretty much anything you do or want to do as long as it’s not illegal or unsafe. i want to continue to look up to you and feel like i’m winning at life because i have a cute, kind-hearted, generous, and thoughtful boyfriend.

so while i’m eating my nuggies (they’re like medium-sized today, could be bigger) and trying not to think about all the sad things, i want you to know that i am still working on what i promised the last time we talked -- that is to be more open to hanging out with you and your friends and being more considerate of your feelings. what i ask of you, if it’s okay that i do, is to be a little more considerate to people around you. it’s not just me but Zuber ... that one time you guys were hanging out and never asked if Zuber had work the next day until i did and he said he had a 6am shift but it was 11pm already and you and whoever else we were with were thinking of going to McDonald’s or something ... i know you and Zuber have been friends for super long and tease each other and whatever but he didn’t want to tell you about his 6am because he didn’t want to ruin the fun and to me that’s such a selfless thing to do and literally no one else asked about his schedule. Those times you tease me in front of friends (ie. judging something about me, sharing something about me that i may not have been comfortable with, rather loudly proclaiming my breath smells or my ears are dirty or whatever) actually hurt my feelings a lot and while it’s fine if you lightly tease me when it’s just us two, the more this happens to less i feel like i’m enjoying myself when i’m with you and your friends. I don’t think i’ve ever heard Tony say anything bad or tease Vanessa in a way that embarrasses her but that could be that she can easily take it as a joke or whatever ... but personally it hurts to be teased among your friends when i’m at work boasting about how you cooked me food after i had a really long day at work or how you saved me from having to get my car towed when the tire popped or how you make me small gifts from hand (for cat bb but i say its for me) and basically showing you off because i feel like i’m the lucky but unworthy one.

anyway this is getting long and i have to sleep but if you’d be interested and free, i was thinking of trying to making curry rice for dinner on wednesday. if you want some and are free ... no worries if you can’t it was kind of a last-minute thing i thought of doing. 

i really didn’t us to part today with bad feelings. it’s rare enough that we get to spend time together, so i’d rather we leave with positive vibes. but there’s some stuff i guess, after today and after some thought, i should just say.

first of all, i didn’t realize just how triggering he can be. I already know you hate his guts and would probably kill him if murder was legal. i know you don’t agree or necessarily approve of what happened between me and him. i’m sorry i did what i did in front of you. i should have been more considerate of you, and i’m really sorry i wasn’t.

but i guess what bothers me the most is not the fact that you hate him to pieces or the fact that i had to unfriend him ... it’s the fact that something from my past, a relationship i had three/four years ago affects you so much so that it affects our relationship. 

speaking frankly, i’ve made peace with what happened. i don’t want to keep dwelling on what happened, or constantly feeling negative things like regret, self-hate, self-depreciation, and just overall shitty. what happened already past. he’s still alive (obviously) and i can’t change that. if i see him walking on the street, why drown myself in negative feelings when the best thing to do is just ignore him. if he says hi, i’ll say hi back and walk away. to me, there’s no point forever hating him for something that i had fault in. 

this is not to say i want to be friends with him. absolutely not. i’m just not the type to hold a grudge. i don’t want every mention of him to reopen wounds that i’ve already healed. everytime you mention your hate, it feels like a slap in my face. everytime my past comes between us i feel like shit and i feel worthless because your hatred towards him becomes anger towards me (sometimes).

so the fact that whenever he comes up, you become upset and angry and emotionally negative makes me really ... not upset, but more depressed. just because i seem lighthearted about him doesn’t mean i suddenly think about him (ew) or want to start talking to him. i’m actually really fucking depressed over what happened because of how much it hurts you. i spent he entire car ride home today trying to hide my crying from Rochelle because my past can’t seem to stay in the past. 

i don’t like having this rift between us because of him. why him. why does our relationship even put into consideration his existence. i think that’s what bothers me the most. if you want me to delete him from social media, i will. i care about our relationship over my social media friendship status with him. i don’t want to see you hurting over what i did. but i also know that there’s a chance you may see him at work or in downtown and i don’t want you to do anything rash and get angry and fight or anything like that because he’s not worth the trouble and i don’t want you to put yourself in a situation where you go down for something that was between me and him. i want you to just ignore him because he doesn’t deserve your time and attention.

i guess bottom line, i really hope you can let my past stay in the past. everytime you become upset over what happened between me and him, i feel like i’ve been double-tapped in the heart -- one because there’s something about me that you hate that i can’t change and two because my shitty past with him is being brought up again and interfering with the best thing i have in my life and i can feel the hurt all over again. please, please just make peace with it. it was my problem, it is still my problem, i don’t want to see someone i love with all my heart have to bear the pain.

first off, i’m really thankful and appreciative that you shared with me how you felt. i understand why you were reluctant to at first, but please know that i am glad you told me. 

wow okay. my chest actually hurts, like physically hurts. heartache sucks >:

anyway, last night i was too emotional to even think properly about what we talked about. but after a night of sleep and too much time to (over)think about it on the ride back and during class, i’ve figured out what i want to say.

please know that i am not mad at you whatsoever. okay? 

i’ll be quite honest, what you said to me yesterday really hurt. but i’m glad you said what you did, because if you hadn’t i would have never realized how far down my priority list i pushed our relationship. you’re absolutely right. neither of us have really put much effort into our relationship. how ironic is it that the same week my supervisor tells me that a project that is one of my responsibilities is not being worked on, and she is disappointed ... and the same week you bring up how our relationship (which is also a responsibility) is not being worked on as well.

i apologize for not realizing how focused i’ve been on adulting and schoolwork so much that i’ve neglected our relationship and i’ve neglected my responsibilities as a girlfriend. i don’t see our relationship as a chore. it shouldn’t be. it’s a job that both you and i have to keep working on in order for it to move forward, and lately it hasn’t. one big reason is that we’re not physically together, which neither of us can do much about at the moment. it’s just something both of us have to deal with, and the thing is neither of us have to deal with it alone. to help relieve some of the pain both you and i are feeling, i’m committed to setting aside time everyday (unless not possible bc you have work when i’m free or i have work when you free) to skype with you and/or play overwatch with you. i miss being able to do that ): but if it means i’ll have to do homework while i’m cooking or waking up earlier to get meal prep done so i don’t have to do it at night, then i will do it. i want to make time for you, because i haven’t lately and it’s hurting our relationship.

besides not being physically there, i understand how hard it is for you to maintain feelings for someone you aren’t with. please know that i’m going through the same thing too ): i see couples walking to class together, going to the gym together, eating together at the coho .... i want that too. i miss being able to do small gestures that make your day -- i agree, we spoiled each other a lot with affection in the past. but just because we can’t do that stuff now doesn’t mean i’m not thinking about it. when you come over, i will do the cooking and make you foods you like and share the foods you like with you because that is how i can show love and affection as opposed to driving to your work/house and visiting you. when you come over, i show love and affection by doing the cleaning/dishes because i don’t want you doing any cleaning. i will make you tea, massage your back, pluck your eyebrows, cuddle you for warmth because that is all i can do at Davis. and remember that time you came over the dorm and i slept for two hours after dinner and you got upset and we talked it out? well, i still keep that in mind. that is why i don’t take naps unless its with you, i don’t take your visit for granted and try my best to make your visit as comfortable and exciting as possible. that is why i take every opportunity to spoil you with cooking, with snacks, with anything i can while you are visiting because i don’t want you feeling like i’m inconsiderate, i’m taking you for granted, or that visiting me is a waste of time. 

now, regarding sexual attraction ... i know i’m not the most sexual person. i know i’m not ideal. i know i seem disinterested. but i’m not. please please please take my word for it. i love you, i love your body, i love those cute, swaying hips and dat twerking booty. i love you just the way you are, i love your pussy destroyer just the way it is. when we have sex, you always ask me how it feels, and don’t i always say “it feels good, it feels full”? i’m not lying, i’m not just saying it to say something. i’m saying it because it’s true. but no matter how many times you ask if i like it (it being your outfit, your little hip dance, your pounding), you keep doubting me. why is that. what can i do, what can i say for you to believe in me. it hurts knowing that i love you so much but the words coming out of my mouth are just words to you. i can’t force myself to be super sexual, i can’t just make myself moan louder ... i only SEEM disinterested, but that’s just not true. would i even be having sex with you if i wasn’t? your comment on how you sometimes just wanted to get it over with and finish really stung because it’s based on your belief that i’m not interested. 

i. am. fucking. interested.

if i didn’t want you to fuck me, i would tell you that. i would tell you to stop. if there was a problem with what you were doing, i would tell you. sex isn’t something where if there’s a problem, i’m just gonna let it go or ignore it. sex is something special only you and i share now, it’s a mutual trust. i trust you to take care of my body, i trust you to know when you need to pull out. but do you trust me when i say that it feels good?

but in a nutshell, i’m just not sexually ideal, am i. you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling incompetent, then what does all that i just wrote say about me. i’m obviously the incompetent one if i can’t satisfy you, can’t be attractive enough ... so can we both just stop putting ourselves down?! 

i know that sex is a really clear way of showing love and affection, but just because we can’t do that as much now, doesn’t mean i don’t love you any less. i still love you so very much, but my ability to show it is limited. please understand that. it’s not that i have no interest, it’s that i have no ability. if i could be the one to drive over to your house and surprise you one day, i would. if i could take you out on a surprise date, i would. 

that being said, when you said that you were losing attraction towards me, i think my heart broke a bit. i didn’t think i was neglecting our relationship to the point where you were losing interest. for that, i’m so very sorry. but at the same time, it makes me wonder “am i worth it anymore?” am i just not worth your time, your effort, your love? i’m not throwing salt at all, but when you said you couldn’t think of anything for valentine’s day ... i was sad. not because i as expecting something from you, but because it seemed like i wasn’t even worth the effort to think of something, i wasn’t worth a single rose, i wasn’t even worth a simple card. in the past, you would go out of your way to surprise me at school/work, you would go out of your way to bring me something i like. i get that me being in Davis prevents that, but isn’t it the thought that matters the most? i’m not really a materialistic person, i don’t need to receive a physical gift for any occasion. your effort, your time, and your thoughtfulness to do something as simple as just buying me a coffee is more than enough. but when i asked you last time you visited Davis whether you had planned anything for valentine’s day and told you i didn’t expect anything, you said something along the lines of “ok good, i wasn’t planning on doing something anyways”. that stuck to me ... 

i get that losing attraction isn’t something you can necessarily control. of course, part of that is my fault. what concerns me the most is that you didn’t mention any effort to rekindle that attraction. are you giving up on me? i most certainly will fight to keep our relationship alive, but will you? will you move forward and up with me? i want us to grow together, learn together, BE together ... but after yesterday i felt like there’s doubt in our relationship and it didn’t seem like you were interested in finding a way to remove that doubt.

i’m not pointing my finger at you, saying that this issue is your fault. it’s yours and mine. neither of us has been putting much effort in moving this relationship forward, of strengthening it. now that it’s come to my attention, i am committed to making changes and rekindling the love we still have for each other. but ... a relationship isn’t just me. it’s you AND me. we both have to be willing to work to make this relationship continue, so ... are you with me?

-- i love you bae. i really really do. of course i want to be the best and most ideal person for you. i want to be there for you always, but if there is doubt in your mind about our relationship, i want to fix it. i also want YOU to want to fix it, because if it’s just me, then it’s not a relationship anymore. it’s just a one-sided love. i will show my love and affection for you more, if that will help you feel more confident in our relationship. i will sacrifice time out of my day for you because i love you. please don’t give up on me. please don’t give up on us. --

i love you unconditionally, and i love you no matter who you are as long as you are you.

i’m sorry i am not very good at just saying what is on my mind. when something is my problem or my fault, i don’t want to share it because it’s an issue of my thought process. if i do something that makes you upset at me, half of me will be sad and depressed and want to cry, but the other half is scolding me for wanting to cry, for being sad when i don’t deserve to, telling myself it’s my fault and i have no right to be emotional .... you’ve probably seen this happen several times: our angel island trip, that time i slept for two hours after dinner when you drove up to Davis to visit ....

so that relates to today, because i had that happen at the gym and therefore my mood is just complete shit. i am not at all blaming you or upset at you. but what i saw was you showing my sister how to use certain machines. inside, i thought “how nice of him, showing her how the machines work”, “he hasn’t even acknowledged me, he’s just paying attention to her”, “it’s not a big deal, he’s just being nice and teaching her how to use the machines like he did when i first went to the gym”, “he looks much happier to see her at the gym than me” ... you get the point. today at the gym, i felt alone, i felt like you didnt even bother to pay attention to me until an hour into the gym session, i felt so inferior ... but i KNOW i shouldn’t be feeling this way. i KNOW you’re not ignoring me on purpose, i KNOW i shouldn’t be whining about getting no attention because if i wanted your attention i should have just gone up to you.

you see where this is going? my emotions will say one thing but my mind will say another. i always see both sides of a situation, i’m always arguing with myself and counter-arguing with myself. it’s so fucking annoying how this always happens and i just feel like shit for feeling a certain way but then i feel even worse because i shouldn’t be feeling some way.

and then this escalates to me feeling shit not because i’m overthinking and interpreting the situation and interpreting my emotions from all different angles, but then i start feeling shit because i know i’m not ideal. i know my sister is much more athletic, much more fit, much more in shape to keep up with you, she’s so much more ideal than me and i hate how i have to feel this way because i know it’s dumb and i’m dumb and it’s not at all your fault for how i am feeling. you’re being a nice, helpful bae and i’m just being a moody, bipolar, dumb girlfriend.

this also relates to why my attitude at the gym with you is different than when i gym alone. i know you like being fit, you like pushing yourself, and that reflects in your expectations of me. and something i haven’t told you before, but whenever you lecture me (bad choice of words, i just can’t think of a more accurate one) about going ham, being more fit, not being lazy, i just get so upset and mad at myself because 1. you’re right 2. i have no reason to be mad, yet i am and i am therefore dumb, and 3. i know there are people out there who would meet your standards and i’m not there but that’s my fault so i shouldn’t even be feeling bad about it but i do. then my shitty mood acts as fuel for working out and i’ll just go do my own thing and be angry and push myself and isolate myself and at the end, because you don’t know what i’m going through, you come by and give me a kiss and tell me i’m doing a good job and i feel so dumb for being mad and using my anger at you to fuel my workout that ... everything just goes away. it doesn’t matter anymore. you love me and that’s why you push me hard at the gym. i love you and that’s why i push you hard in academics. 

so ... now you kinda know what i’m going through. this is not to say that i don’t like going to the gym with your or anything. you tend to do your own thing at the gym, and i do mine. we’re both at different levels, there’s no use for me to try and jump to your level everytime ... i should work on myself at my own pace. that’s why i have a better mood when i go to the gym by myself. i still like going to the gym with you, being able to talk with you when we do and even hang out afterwards, but i feel like i’m more efficient when im alone. sure, you pushing me which gets me frustrated makes me work harder and that’s GOOD, but using negative emotions as fuel for exercise is not healthy, in my opinion. When i feel good about myself and my progress (like this summer while i was taking Stats at CSM), i’ll have more self-confidence and feel better knowing you see through my hard work and know that i’m doing my best at my own pace.

please don’t take this as me saying “i don’t want to go to the gym with you anymore”. it’s a way for me to see bae, of course i want to go to the gym with you. this is more like me saying “i’ll do me, you do you, and we’ll meet at the steam room and hang out after”. 

now that i’ve said all this, i feel like i’ll have a lot easier time with my mood at the gym. whenever you do your thing and don’t really pay any attention to what i do, at least you know that I know that you’re just working hard and concentrating and you’re not ignoring me on purpose. 

i’m sorry for being so bipolar and emotionally and moody. i just want to be your ideal girl and meet your expectations and standards and make you proud ... i don’t want to compare myself with Rochelle or Vivienne or that other girl who looks like me (or who i look like), i want to make bae proud and have bae love me no matter what fitness level i am at.

me: okay

me thinking: oh my god they know everything I knew this would happen I should have deleted everything I knew it fuck I'm done for