tw: body image, eating disorder, photoshopped bodies, image editing
sooo many of u were rlly sweet and asked why i took down this picture of me on twitter, and i feel like i kinda owe u guys an explanation bc it's been bothering me sm lately >.< i feel like i've been a little misleading and i don't want anyone here to feel deceived by me ;;
over the last few months, i finally became sm more confident about how i look than i ever hve before. ive always been superrrr self conscious of how i look from the body shaming tht i received during puberty, my rlly abnormally big eyes, the way tht i don't rlly look fully japanese bc of my mixed background, the freckles on my face and body, and just how curvy i am in general. this + the normalization of editing ur own pics in japan made me rlly scared to ever rlly show a completely unfiltered pic of me. i first started using apps tht removed freckles from my face tht i couldnt hide with my concealer, which then grew into more things like using face whitening apps, apps tht make my body look skinnier, etc. by 2022, when i first started posting for ppl outside my family n friends under my neutralhoneymilkers alias, the idea of posting unedited pics became my WORST nightmareee.
looking back on it now, it's honestly so wild to me bc it was definitely something i'd internalized myself >.< ppl would always compliment me and call me pretty n say tht i looked fit and healthy, but my rabbithole into the eating disorder side of tumblr and twitter meant tht i cud never see myself for who i was but just this girl who needed to get skinnier n skinnier n skinnier
on twitter, once i posted more "natural" pics of myself (still w heavy makeup but no editing), i started to get SMM moree interactions on my posts n wayyy more compliments than i ever received beforeeee. i started to embrace my more darker complexion n my freckles skin (something tht is like TOTES the opposite of the asian beauty standard) and realized tht i look so much prettier tht way. I WAS SOOO HAPPY like it might hve been the first time in yearsss since i actually looked in the mirror n was not disappointed at wht i was looking at. the pic of me in my green dress on twitter, and my pinned post in my black top on insta blew up sososo muchhh, and to know tht they were taken w no editing had made me feel SO SO HAPPY W MYSELFFFF
mayb bc i started amassing a much bigger following, the fear of being perceived rllyyy got to meee in the last week to the point where i was so scared to post pics again. i kept trying to take many more pics of myself n each time i was so disappointeddd,,, i kept thinkinggg tht i owe my followers at least ONE picture a week to show how grateful i was to themm (esp since i made the promise tht more likes wud equal more posts), but i didnt feel like i cud get the "perfect" pic to post. and so, mayb bc i was trying to seek refuge in my old habits, i ended up editing tht recent post of mine on twitter again 😭 i felt SO BADDDDDDD like genuinelyyyyyyyy i actually ended upp breakingg downn so much n crying n i hated myselff for it n then i told myself what the heckkk am i evenn doinggg like im never ever gnna enjoy posting pics of myself againnn if i keep deceiving my followersssss. and now, looking back at those pics, i look SOOO UNCANNY N UNREAL like !!! not to mention it was a pic of me SWEATINGG likeee i was never ever gnna hve the courage to post something like tht without some edits.
i think moving to london has rlly helped my self image bc wowwww its so hard to be a girl in japan,,,, dont get me wronggg, i still got lots of attention in school and outside, but every single movie/show/modelling images always featured this impossibly pale, impossibly skinny look tht was just never possible for me to achieve. i think the ways my paternal grandparents talk about my body (who were raised in the uk) n how my maternal grandparents (in japan) talk about my body shows this rllyyy bigg difference in body acceptance tht i hve only come to learn nowww.
i think im gnna stop mking false promises to my followers tht i will be posting pics of myself more frequently, n instead be patient w myself n post whtever unedited pic i wnt to post !! even if they r months apart. its so much hotter tht way too bc like i know when ppl ummm jerk off to me n stuff, theyre jerking off to all the imperfections in me tooo lol (which is why i enjoyed posting tht green dress pic so muchhh).
i hve also taken down all the pics i hve edited on instagram, and am gnna take down the pics i hve edited on twitter soon. the reason why i cant take down the twitter pics immediately is bc if i delete too muchhh ill get shadowbanned, n i rlly dont wnt tht to happen >.<
finally, ik there r lots of accusations used against lots of ppl online of using ai, whether tht is artists or models. GIRLL i understand the fear given tht there r soo many ai creators but not everything is ai !!! i hve been posting wayy before it n hve never used ai oncee (other than mayb accidentally using it when facetuning pics tht i didnt know used ai software, IDKKK). i am 100% against any use of ai bc i think it ruins sm of the creativity on the internet n is not even helpful for mee. PLUS its so environmentally bad !!! i feel like the ai accusations get to me the worst bc i hve had ppl undress me using ai online n it hurt me SO MUCH for ppl to think i use the same tools tht others use to non-consensually nudify mee. i think its so gross. also i dont think my pics even look tht ai so i dont even know where this is coming from 😭 i see my online girl friends also get accused for it so mayb this is just happening to everyone but i just wnted to clear the air
here r some more pics i heavily edited tht i hve taken down on insta so u can get an idea of how frigginnnn insecure i wassss, so pls SHAMEEE MEEEEEEE. i feel like its the only wayy tht i can feel like im not deceiving uu guys. im sososo sorry about this n if this has made uu disappointed in mee which im sure it has >.<
