Uncharted territory of an uncontrollable mind @rawleen - Tumblr Blog

Reading everything I've ever posted

I seem insane and bipolar lol. I'll try to be more consistent with posting so when I look back on this year's later, I'm not totally disgusted with my brain waves.

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My best friend

He said last night or today would work so I could finally give him his Christmas present. I REALLY hope that I'll be able to see him today. It would mean the fucking world. Like please dude, stop avoiding me. Please. I just want to give you this stupid present and be done with it. Also, I have no idea if you even want to be friends anymore. I wish you did but I have no clue. You've been avoiding me for almost two weeks since it happened... You said you were afraid of ruining the friendship yet here you are, ruining it. But I'll try to be positive and think that you will infact see me tonight.

I'm a golddigging whore

My ex thinks I'm a golddigging whore. I blocked him today because he thinks I used him for money during our relationship. All $2,500 of monthly income, SURE. He barely had money for himself. BUT because he convinces me to quit my job and I don't make as much money as I used to so he stops charging me rent, I am fucking using him for money. OH also, because my best friend admits that he had feelings for me, means I was using my ex for money. HOW THE FUCK. I am literally paying him back for all the rent he paid and he is still saying that I used him for money. He died inside every time he spent 10 bucks on me. I made it a point for him to not spend any money on me because of how much it stressed him out. BUT NOOOO, I AM CLEARLY USING HIS FUCK FACE FOR MONEY. It is so GOD DAMN infuriating to be accused of something so low that I highly stand against. Before I broke up with him, most people's advice was to just stay with him until I could support myself. FUCK THAT. I broke up with him quickly after that. And after the breakup, most women told me to get back with him until I could support myself. FUCK. THAT. And fuck everyone who thinks I could ever do that to a person. I am an honest and guilty soul, I would NEVER do that to someone. IN FACT, i have over 3 offers for sugar daddy RIGHT NOW. And 2 were offered while I was with my ex. I HAVE DECLINED THEM ALL. I could have been on a fucking paradise island right now, all expenses paid, but I said no. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE SOME GOD DAMN FUCKING DIGNITY AND SELF RESPECT. But ofcourse my ex doesn't think so. So I fucking blocked him. I move out in 3 days. Just 3 more days of his bullshit. 3. 2. 1.

It's been a while

I've been thinking about coming back to Tumblr so I have somewhere to vent. I'm tired of talking about all my issues to friends. I just want to be positive for them, not negative. So this may seem like a negative place but I'm just letting it out. I'll also post happy stuff too, hopefully.

My guy bestfriend is going through something right now... he's not talking to me anymore. He doesn't know if he even wants to be my friend once he's out of his shit... It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I was really close to him and now its just gone and he doesn't care that it hurts. I miss him so much and I'm in pain and he just doesn't care. And what sucks more is that I understand and I just want to be there for him no matter what. But at what point is he being a horrible friend? At what point do I stop taking all this pain. At what point do I have some dignity and stop being there for him? I'm so afraid its the end of our friendship... and if it is then so be it, and if its not then I'm going to have healing to do and a lot of trust issues, which really fucking sucks because he was the one I trusted out of everyone to not do this shit to me. Oh well, sei la vie right ?

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I MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE RANDOM AT THE BAR! FUCK YEAH! Goals achieved. Bucket list crossed. Random things checked. I win. Cherry popper bitches.

An update

I've basically lost all my best friends that i could talk to about anything... So since I'm completely alone in that regards, i shall be using this tumby more often! YAY!

I have no one to confide in... again. Again i am learning i cant count on anyone, i cant rely on anyone, i cant depend on anyone. I need to be enough for me. How the fuck do i get there

SIDENOTE: i am on the edge of an anxiety attack. Started the day out with a nose bleed. Wonderful.

Dont mean to sound like a bitch but why the fuck did you cancel plans we had made almost 2 weeks ago that i cleared my schedule for (which is really difficult and i get offers to do other shit aaalll the time). Why did you cancel -_- you said you needed to do it, i did too. We planned it. But fuck it. Whatever im sure theres a great excuse that justifies it all but still. Frustrating and annoying.

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Am I nothing?

He had sex with her... and he lied to me about it... why was it so easy for him and so difficult for me. Does that mean he never loved me? Our entire relationship was a lie. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel. I wasted my time. I wasted my energy, my effort, my emotions. I wasted everything for nothing. I tried so hard, all to just be forgotten so easily. I had zero effect, i meant nothing. Every time he said he loved me and that he cared about me... it was all a lie... how the fuck is that supposed to make me feel. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel. How. The. Fuck. I trusted him in so many things. I trusted him. I shouldn't have. I failed. I failed and kept defending my failure. I was an idiot. I was stupid. I am stupid. I had no value. He didnt see me as worth anything. He hurt me in so many ways. But i let him. I hurt myself in so many ways. Fuck him. Fuck me. Fuck. I thought all the wrong things... i was wrong...

I just want cuddles and kissing and naked touching and physical loving. Getting to the needy stage of being alone.

Sidenote, I'm awaiting my interview

I like guys that respect me. And if I never find a respectful guy ever then that's okay. I'm not settling. I am respectful and caring, yall better be the same way too.

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33 days since last romantic intimate moment

July 25, 2016

July 3, 2016 seperated

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Uncharted territory of an uncontrollable mind