This is a continuation of my thoughts for the 10 year anniversary of one of my favorite indie games ever. Content and trigger warning: The following will contain mentions of: Depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness/isolation, covid-19 lockdown, anxiety, and bullying. (There is more, but that will be for another time)
I was in 6th grade when I first discovered this tiny, indie game. It was from an old friend that I wish I still had contant with sometime (but maybe one day I will again), in our history class. I was apart of fandoms, yes, like Sonic or Soul Eater or Vocaloid, but I never truly felt apart, seen, or understood what fandom community was until I fell down into the underground. Seeing so much creativity from such an amazing game opened up so many possibilities and ideas of what I could like and what I could do with that love. At the most formative years where I was being bullied a lot for my budding passions, from what I tried to cling onto with what innocence I had left in me, and when my quiet depression began to grow from; Undertale became a wonderful outlet for me to not only understand what I may be feeling at the time and now and how characters I make are somehow linked to me to express my emotions and thoughts.
I was somewhat put on a watch list of sorts to monitor my depression and thoughts from middle to high school to make sure that I didn't fall off the deep end. I had some amazing friends during those times that I loved spending time with, but after they were gone; there was just the quiet loneliness of my thoughts that I was left with...and it started to poison me to feel numb and confused with my thoughts and emotions...it still sorta does to this day if I am being honest. One of the outlets I had was the internet and my passion for anything artistic: comic dubs, animations, music, and the creation and understanding of Aus... everything. It became everything to me, so much that there were some moments where I was very delusional, admittedly; but it became something positive for me, a way to understand my emotions and find others that are very similar...it became a core part of growing up.
...I'm 20 years old now, I was 11 or 12 when I discovered the game; I was roughly 17-19 years old when I first played it during the covid lockdowns...I wouldn't admit it back then, but that time was the most my depression and anxiety had weighed on me; so many bad thoughts from middle school were coming back and they were stronger this time...I just wanted to be erased and forgotten so much because nothing I did mattered at all or I was just supposed to be a temporary fix or entertainment for them...and some part of it is true from what I was told.
I wanted to leave the earth so badly that I told myself that I should've gone through with my original plan after high school and just become a ghost in a graveyard. My memories were just replaying everything that had happened to me; from the constant blame put on me from elementary school to the physical, emotional, mental, and verbal violence/assault I vaguely remember all throughout my k-12 experience. Getting hit in the face constantly or pushed, too many sexual remarks and passes, racist remarks, there was so much I dealt with that I believe I just blocked most things out and now have memory issues of certain things.
The internet, games, and art were one of the few comforts that I could have personally; my escape, my temporary joys. So when undertale started circulating again in popularity on tiktok, I thought I would check it out for old times sake...I suddenly felt I was transported back in 6th grade when I had not only created my first oc, but also wrote my first fanfic of her exploring the underground and being friends with everyone. Passion began to flow through me again, old and new ideas flooding my brain, and a heart that filled with a desire to share it with others. I began writing and drawing more again, creating so many fan and original ideas, reworking my old oc, and creating more...it's when I sorta knew...I was put on this world to be an entertainer for all and for me...and it was all thanks to the brilliant minds and team of Toby Radiation Fox.
I doubt that you'll read this random post... but Toby, thank you. Thank you for making this game, for putting your passions out there, for inspiring me to continue living not just from spite... but for the dream that one day, I'll be able to tell many stories like you do... that my name could one day inspire others too like you did with me. So thank you for everything, for helping me still be here to this day...I never thought I would live past 18, but now I'm 20...now, I want to give back my passions to the world just like you.
Thank you, the reader, for listening to a small part of my story; of my heart that I'm always scared to share with others. Hopefully, the next post will be something special... Happy 10th anniversary and birthday, Undertale. You were the game that will forever be a part of my life.
