I Can't Think of an Inspiring Title, So Here.

the other night i tried to make a curry and i got chilli burns all over my face, so i thought to myself ‘hang on, doesn’t milk soothe chilli burns? it does’ and i couldn’t google because i couldn’t see so i just had to blindly feel my way to the fridge and pour out a bowl of milk, and then plant my face in the bowl of milk, anyway at that point the rice cooker went off and triggered a power surge which turned my electricity off, which i didn’t notice at first because i had my face in a bowl of milk and when i did emerge from the dairy prison i thought i had gone blind with chilli burns. so no i don’t really cook much.

me

Oral sex between two cannibals is probably the purist form of trust there is.

The police walk in and you’re wearing the one on the left. When they tell you he’s dead you gasp daintily, excuse yourself for a moment, then come back in the one on the right.

when my boyfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down

ok but PRANKS

Unbelievable! THIS…is not butter–?

hey man can we pull over i need some cheesits